Showing posts with label Grumpy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grumpy. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Oh, for crying out loud!

Augh! I thought I'd do a little post-Oscar commentary, or maybe give you a quick review of It's Complicated (very quick review: it reminded me a little bit of Up in the Air, but with an audience friendly ending. There are some clever bits, some well thought out plot turns, and a lot of "rom-com" contrivances that keep it from being better than the average bear), I was even thinking of taking a couple of hours away from the PC in order to watch one of the many movies I haven't gotten around to.

But I can't. Oh no, because my mortal enemy - Grampa J - that impostor with the leastest, has waddled his way out of limbo in order to smear digital crap all over his face and dance like a monkey. I really thought that after his totally inane "@ 2009" recap, the Cap'n really hoped that this absurd charade was over and done with. But no, after the first trimester of 2010, the bane of my existence, the name-stealing, review demeaning, joke of "film scholarship" is back with reviews of Gooby and JCVD.

Some pearls of wisdom for those of you smart enough not to give this schmendrick more "hits":

"There are many great lines and screwball scenes in this movie. Gooby takes Willie to a costume party at a movie theatre and when a bully dressed like a hotdog tries to beat willie up, gooby scares him so bad that he pees himself and says "Willie, the hotdog just peed!". One of the more touching lines is when gooby tells Willie:"I liked being your dad!"'

"In the past few years, however, I haven't been paying much attention to Van Damme because I tend not to pay much attention to movies that are released directly to video. For those of you who don't know, the reason movies get released only on video is because they are either A) not very good to begin with B) have too much sex for main stream movies or C) are really artsy-fartsy and don't have a chance to make any money."

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Hey, Grampa Genius, how about you do me a real favor and find out what that science fiction movie I was talking about last night was? It has a scary robot that will give you something to fill your adult Depends with, and weird bat-looking things and space zombies. I double dog dare you to find out what it is and review it. I know that Sherlock Holmes was "too scary" for you, but try to grow a pair if you're going to keep antagonizing the Cap'n, huh?

And now I'm in a mood again. Thanks, Grampa J. Thanks a truckload...

Friday, December 4, 2009

Shipping Anomalies

This is a movie-related digression, one that the Cap'n is only bringing up because he knows a bit about the subject, and it's just a smidge irksome to me. Allow me to give you some brief context in order to make my point clear.

Last week, I ordered Mystery Science Theater 3000 Volume XVI from Amazon. It's pretty much a given that I'll pick up any MST3K boxed set, but this one was of particular interest. Volume XVI has two of the Five MST3K episodes I consider all-time favorites: Santa Claus and Warrior of the Lost World. I have very nearly worn out my VHS copy of Warrior (which also has Laserblast and Joel Hodgson's TV Wheel) and since the dvds started rolling out I've been waiting patiently for some Robert Ginty / Fred Williamson / Donald Pleasance /Persis Khambata action. Santa Claus, as previously mentioned, is a deliriously bizarre movie in its own right, so it's nice to add with Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

Since I have class until 3:15 on Tuesdays, and considering the odd purchasing habits of Greensboro citizens (who tend to gobble up any release with moderate geek buzz), it seemed like a safe bet that Volume XVI would be sold out, particularly the "Limited Edition" set with a Tom Servo to compliment the Crow from the 20th Anniversary set. Ordering the set from Amazon was not only slightly cheaper, but insured I would get a copy, and this week.

Or so I thought. Without bothering to knock or ring the doorbell, my mail carrier left a 3849 (the beige slip of paper) indicating that my package could not be delivered due to a "Delivery Confirmation" signature required. Now I have to wait until Monday morning to pick up the set.

There are two problems with this, even if I put aside the fact that I was home and he made no effort to actually deliver the package. I've worked for the Postal Service, and I know the circumstances surrounding a 3849, and my package did not meet either of them:

1. The package was shipped Standard, not One Day or Two Day delivery, so signature isn't required. I've had larger packages left at my door from Amazon with no problems from the mail carrier, so it's not even a size issue. There's no reason to take the box back to the post office, but to be clear, let me illuminate the "Delivery Confirmation" conundrum.

2. Amazon frequently prints a "Delivery Confirmation Scan" barcode as part of their shipping label. This is so you can track the package, but does not require a signature. I know, because I've delivered them. Delivery Confirmation labels on packages or envelopes which require a signature come with a bright green border and their own 3849 attached to the parcel. Again, I know because I delivered to a number of businesses which frequently required Signature Confirmation for letters and packages. Because of the volume of packages from Amazon, it would be ridiculous to demand signatures from everyone who ordered dvds bundled together, as that's a huge waste of time on the part of the carrier.

The mail carrier, in this instance, made a snap judgment that it was easier to assume I wasn't home and not deliver a package, leaving the onus on my part to pick up something rather than simply deliver the parcel. How do I know this? Because I had to do the same thing earlier this week and when I arrived at the Post Office, NO SIGNATURE WAS REQUIRED for my package. Same situation. Same 3849. Same handwriting. Same mail carrier. I could pretend that they didn't know better, but I know mail carriers. They know protocol backwards and forwards, especially city carriers, so I'm not sure what to make of this.

From here on out, is everything I order going to be withheld from me until I pick it up on their schedule? Because that's not how I was taught to do the job. You delivered to the very best of your ability, even if someone's dog tore up your jeans or a wasp's nest was in the mailbox. Cutting corners meant being chewed out, and you'd better not waste a 3849 when the package didn't call for it.

This is a long, slightly grumpy way of saying I couldn't write up the new MST3K box for you folks tonight, which is what I wanted to do. It probably sounds like sour grapes, or even whining, but the fact is that I know that there's no good reason to avoid delivering the box. I know the protocol, and I know what you can and can't do when delivering packages with "Delivery Confirmation" labels. So yeah, I'm a little grouchy.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

From the Vault: Numbers can lie too.

editor's note: it's up to you to figure out whether this piece reflects the actual opinion of the Cap'n on box office numbers, or whether pieces from earlier this summer do. I can't tell you what to think...

It occurs to me that sometime tomorrow or Monday the box office figures will either tell the world what movies succeeded and failed in the open market. I used to really follow that kind of thing, because it seemed like some kind of pseudo-scientific system to give you an idea of how people responded to movies. But while watching A Decade Under the Influence and getting some idea of just how much box office changed the way movies are perceived, I decided not to pay attention to them anymore.

The "Blockbuster" had a lot to do with the change from letting a movie happen to turning filmmaking into calculated gambling. If a movie could open on as many screens as humanly possible, making a ton of money on the first weekend of its release, the studio could recoup their investment quickly. Somewhere along the way, every successive weekend became less and less relevant. The race was to get the big money up front and minimize the "in theatre" time. DVD's been compounding this, and if you've listened to many commentary tracks, you'll notice that more often or not they're being recorded BEFORE the film is in theatres. That's how quick turn around is now.

I worked as a projectionist in a movie theatre for a few summers, and it was explained to me that we could expect a movie to play AT MAX for four weeks, and only if it did really well the first two weeks. After that it got split billing or was packed up and sent back to the studio or the bargain theatre. It wasn't merely the influx of new releases, but the mentality that people weren't interested in seeing a movie two weeks into its run, as though we suffered from cinematic ADD.

There was a movie that proved this wrong, and not surprisingly, that's because it operated on the old system. In 2000, God's Army, the first film financed, written, directed, and starring Mormons got a "premium" slot in our theatre (one of the big screens) and no one was concerned about first weekend numbers.

What happened instead was that over the next two months, every day or so another bus would come from somewhere in the South East United States (we were the only theatre playing God's Army in the South) and the screen would sell out. It wasn't making $100 million dollar weekends, but God's Army did it the old fashioned way: word of mouth and a dedicated audience.

That's the same way films like Easy Rider and Halloween did it: week by week, person by person. In fact, that's also how something like Deep Throat became the cult legend it is. Most modern horror classics, including The Evil Dead, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and Night of the Living Dead also played the slow way, moving from drive in to drive in and building an audience by word of mouth. None of them were "failures" because they didn't recoup their budgets in three days.

Nowadays, if you hear any kind of word of mouth about a movie, you're usually going to be waiting for the dvd to come out. Odds are by the time it gets to you, there's no chance of seeing something on the big screen. Grindhouse was a "bomb", so before I could even get anyone to come see it at Mission Valley again (and you have to see that movie on the big screen to really get what Tarantino and Rodriguez are after) it had been pulled by the panicking Weinstein brothers.

Well before my time, a movie would play in theatres for at least a month, allowing people to see it over and over again before the next film came in. This, at least, is what professors and family tell me, because that's the exception and not the rule these days. Nowadays Speed Racer and The Golden Compass are judged by their opening numbers, and both, regardless of the actual movie, were failures based on opening weekend.

Of course, Donnie Darko was a "failure", and Freddy Vs. Jason was a "success", strictly by the numbers. The remake of The Grudge was a huge "success", while The Assassination of Jesse James was a "failure". Why I bring this up is because somehow the stigma of box office numbers now bleeds over into the perceived "quality" of a film. Since anyone can open up their newspaper and see the Box Office results, they can now say "oh, well movie X didn't do so well, so it must not be good". This leap doesn't always hold up, and if I did some more digging, it wouldn't surprise me at all to find out some of my favorite movies were "bad" because of the arbitrary Box Office figures.

Remember that a movie like Trainspotting is never going to open on as many screens as The Phantom Menace, or get the kind of advertising blitz that we're seeing for Indiana Jones right now. I've seen probably fifty ads for Crystal Skull in the last five days, and only two for David Mamet's Redbelt. Does this make one movie better than the other? Will Crystal Skull be better than Iron Man if it does better numbers? Will it be worse if it doesn't?

All I'm saying is that maybe we should step back from the numbers game and not let it stand in for actual opinion on a movie. Good and Bad alike can do good numbers, and the same goes for low performers. Give a movie some more time than "right now" to see if it has legs, and remember that almost every film has drop off from one week to the next, so that doesn't mean that everyone was duped and it actually sucks. Audiences are a fickle lot, like pretty much everything else in the market.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Nuke the Proton Accelerators?

Folks, I present you with a potentially "lose/lose" situation. I ask that you pick your poison:

In this corner, the wave of terrible reviews for Harold Ramis' Year One, which has the exact same writing team as (wait for it) Ghostbusters 3.

In this corner, the one-two punch of news from Shia LeBouf and Gary Marshall that Spielberg and Lucas are working on Indiana Jones 5.

You are not allowed to cross the streams, so which of the potentially disturbing developments worries you more about your "childhood" favorites? You are also not allowed to use the stupid "raped my childhood" metaphor, as it's cheap and wholly untrue. If you don't believe me, I'll hire Doc Brown to take me back in time and show you what that phrase REALLY implies.

See what you did? You made the Cap'n resort to a really heinous joke in order to put that overused phrase in context. As they say in The Princess Bride, "I do not think it means what you think it means."

---

Okay, to be serious for a moment, I think I'm a little more worried about Ghostbusters 3 for two reasons:

1) Year One looked bad from the first trailer, but I haven't found a kind review today. This sounds like a Golden Raspberry contender, and that I was not expecting from the director of Groundhog Day and the criminally underrated The Ice Harvest.

2) On the other hand, the folks I know who have been playing the Ghosbusters game love it so much that it can only set up a new film to fail, and fail miserably. Maybe a third film doesn't need to happen, and it's weird for me to say that since I've been championing a third Ghostbusters almost as hard as Tron 2.

Is it a possible apples-to-oranges question? Hard to say. The reason that the two Office writers got the Ghostbusters gig was in part because of the experience Ramis had on Year One. I get the distinct impression Year One is a well intentioned misfire that turned out to be an elevator fart disguised as History of the World Part Two. If the writing and directing are sloppy in Year One, then who's to say Ghostbusters was just what they were really working on?

I'm genuinely curious what you think about this.

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As one of the five people in the world who liked Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (along with Vern, George Lucas, Harrison Ford, and Shia LeBouf), I'm not necessarily saying "no thanks" to more Indiana Jones. If it could maybe possibly be a little less stupid or at least not have the phrase "The treasure was knowledge!", I could even welcome another fridge nuking.

I will not, however, watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Didn't see the first one, not going to watch the second one. I was once told I was "less of a man" for being more interested in Ratatouille than Transformers, but I'm sticking to my guns here. My semi-nostalgia for a toy based cartoon isn't strong enough to blindly trick me into believe Michael Bay has done anything worth watching since Don Simpson died*.

For those not keeping track at home, I made that leap because a) Shia LeBouf is in both films, and b) Steven Spielberg produced both Transformers movies. Michael Bay is not a frequent punching bag in the blogorium, partially because I don't usually feel like wasting my time bringing his movies up. I do still enjoy The Rock and I'll give him that.

---

"Cap'n, are you feeling grouchy because of this seemingly impossible housing situation?"

Maybe so.

"Don't you think you should go watch Dr. Strangelove and feel better for a while?"

Perhaps I should.

"We think you should."

Thanks for your considerate advice.



* and yeah, I watched Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys 2, and The Island. I know what I'm talking about here.