Post-Fest Hangover

This may come as a surprise to you, dear readers, but after spending the last five days writing about Summer Fest, I'm pretty zonked out as movie writing goes. It's one thing for the Cap'n to produce something every day and then move on; it's another thing entirely to write up 17 recaps plus a non-movie picture post over the span of 120 hours. I'm also totally out of it as movie news goes, so if this blogorium is a little, shall we say, lacking tonight I apologize in advance.

Nevertheless, let's move forward, shall we?

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The one thing I saw today that made me chuckle was this silly rumor about a prequel trilogy to the Blade series starring Stephen Dorff. They would follow his character Deacon Frost as he ascends the vampire chain of command, only to be killed by Blade at the end of Blade. Oops. Guess that's a spoiler.

Since this isn't a remake I guess that doesn't bother me, and the really stupid idea of making three movies about a character I didn't care about in Blade isn't an issue either. Let's be honest here: this trilogy is never making it further than Direct to Video, no matter how excited New Line is. I know vampires are the new zombies and everybody is trying to draw teenage girls away from Twilight (which is stupid because there are no vampires in Twilight, no matter what Stephanie Meyer calls them), but a series of movies based on the villain of the first Blade is a waste of everybody's time.

The only conceivable way it could be interesting is if New Line somehow talked Parker Posey and Triple H to appear in all three of the movies, and if they played their roles as retarded-ly as they did in Blade: Trinity. Then I might rent the second one.

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You know when good actors show up in movies that look shitty from the trailer and you think to yourself "well, they either thought it would be better than it ended up being or it was just a paycheck?" That's what watching Adrien Brody in the trailer for Dario Argento's Giallo feels like. I'm inclined to believe it was the former rather than the latter in Brody's case, since he does take weird roles in small movies (like The Jacket). Based on the trailer, which I'm not going to bother linking to here, Giallo looks cheaper and more insipid than Mother of Tears, which is higher end Argento Crap. Phenomena, which also would qualify as high end Argento Crap, still looks like Gone with the Wind compared to both of them, but that was back when you didn't have to pretend new Argento might be good.

As I've said before, I'm a fan of Dario Argento's movies up to a point, but I'm not even going to defend anything he's done since The Card Player, including the awful Masters of Horror episodes. Sometimes it's best just to remember the "Masters of Horror" as they were, specifically Tobe Hooper, John Carpenter, Dario Argento, and yes, even Larry Cohen.

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Yeesh! I'm still talking about horror movies. I'd like to talk about something else, like the new MST3K box, or the Do the Right Thing Blu-Ray which has all the Criterion supplements, or even the MacGruber movie that will no doubt disappoint but who cares it's a MacGruber movie! Alas I have neither of the former and know only that the latter exists because I just read it. Oh, and Lonely are the Brave is finally out on dvd. It's a Kirk Douglas western, but a non-period western from 1962. I first saw it on TCM three or four years ago and was quite disappointed to discover it wasn't out on home video, so it's nice to see a quality movie finally hitting shelves. You should all check it out, even if "westerns aren't my thing."

Finally, I might consider checking out Street Fighter: The Rise/Legend/Whatever of Chun Li, because every review I find for it seems to indicate that it's the kind of movie polite company would refer to as "wicked retahded", and that for once in his life, Chris Klein steals a movie. I'm not saying it's time for another "Bad Movie Night" yet, but between this and Robo Geisha, the puzzle pieces could be falling into place...

Summer Fest Wrap Up: Non-Movie Version

Tonight I thought I'd let the pictures do some of the talking, with a handful of anecdotes from the Cap'n about what happened between movies and during Summer Fest. There are a lot of subplots that develop during any extended movie marathon, and we invented a handful of new terms / phrases based on movies we watched.

To prove it really happened, I took a picture of Ad Rock and Cranpire at a Horror Fest together for the first time since I started them. Nathan was kind enough to join in.

When I say that people who come to Summer Fest partake in Bad Alcohol, I'm not talking simply the run of the mill crap. To make my point clearer, note that Ad Rock and Cranpire are toasting with Budweiser with Clamato and Wild Irish Rose.

To prove they really drank it.

See what happens after you drink it?

Back for more...

Speaking of which, the Cap'n did promise to share his recipe for "Hobo Bug Juice", which is equal parts Wild Irish Rose and Mountain Dew Game Fuel (The red one) in a Styrofoam cup. If you're feeling very brave - or just hate yourself - feel free to substitute the Game Fuel with Miller Lite.

Before Hillbillys in a Haunted House.

It really is a movie, and that's really how they spell it.

After Hillbillys in a Haunted House.

Added to the vernacular from Summer Fest are the following phrases:

"Official Police Business" - you'll have to ask somebody what it means if you don't know.

"Medical Investigation" - a corollary to Official Police Business

"What kind of retardation...?" - a response to plot points, stupid questions, or dumb comments.

I also unveiled plans for two movies: Stab Lincoln, a horror movie about zombie Lincoln attacking modern day D.C., and its sequel, necessitated by the fact that there's only one way to kill a zombie Lincoln - zombie John Wilkes Booth with Confederate Army.

Of course, if you have a zombie Confederate Army, you have a sequel: Civil War Zombies.

The tagline is "The South Will Rise Again... FROM THE DEAD!!!!"

These things practically write themselves, so look for the dvd from Troma by next year.

I also came up with another great movie to make after Civil War Zombies 2: Zombie Sherman's March. Without saying too much, I can tell you the title is Raptor of Liberty, and it might look something like this:

Just some concept art, of course.

Finally, some images from The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires:

Summer Fest Day Four: Creepshow and Shaun of the Dead

For the last night of the Greensboro Summer Fest Massacre Part II, we watched two HD downloads from the Playstation Store: Creepshow and Shaun of the Dead. If you're going to have a weekend of "Horror Comedies", then you'd better include these at some point.

There are a number of strange reasons why we only got to watch two movies tonight. Some have to do with exhaustion, some with auto repair, and a few related to the fact that all of us have school, work, or both tomorrow morning. That being said, I wanted to close things out on a high note, so the Cap'n will give you some brief thoughts on both films.

Creepshow is a movie I often forget to be a George Romero joint, in part because of how well he adapts the "comic" sensibilities. The movie is awash in strong primary colors, weird framing, kooky angles, and broad acting. Of course, that's why Creepshow works; because it borrows so heavily from EC Comics and it's very difficult to do those kind of "ironic horror" anthologies without tongue (or fang) firmly planted in cheek*.

The cockroach story at the end remains my favorite, as after years I still find the final scene disgusting (where the bugs emerge from inside his body), and Stephen King's acting in the plant man segment is so bad that it almost works. Well, almost.

I'll be picking this up on Blu-Ray in September, as the film looks like gangbusters in 1080p, no small feat for a movie made in 1982. Kudos to Warners for making their catalog stuff look top notch. Now we can just hope it's not a barebones disc.

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Shaun of the Dead continues to reward with repeated viewings, as I catch more and more payoffs to seemingly innocuous setups late in the film. There's virtually nothing Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg don't introduce early in the movie that doesn't appear in some way, shape, or form before Shaun of the Dead is over. The gore continues to be impressive for a "comedy", and I had a nice chuckle at a throwaway 28 Days Later joke at the end of the movie (where the zombie plague is not blamed on "rage filled monkeys") delivered by Wright in newscaster voiceover.

I think that Hot Fuzz is perhaps better in other areas, but as watchability goes, Shaun of the Dead is hard not to watch repeatedly.

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Thanks to everyone who came over the four days (and those brave souls who were there every day) and the Cap'n and others can attest that having both Cranpire and Ad Rock was something not to be missed.

I really have to recommend you hunt down Terrorvision in any way you can and watch it, and that you sit tight on Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Drag Me to Hell was fun but I suspect many of you can save it for a renter. Hillbillys in a Haunted House is also something you should look into, but it's not for all tastes. Just good ones.

Stay tuned tomorrow for some pictures from Summer Fest and a handful of anecdotes that deal loosely with movies. I'll also give you my recipie for "Hobo Bug Juice" if you're daring enough to try it.

If you're lucky, I might even tell you about Stab Lincoln and Civil War Zombies (1 and 2).




* A key example is the straight up horror version of Tales from the Crypt Amicus made in the 1970s. It's still better than you'd expect it to be, but the lack of humor pulls it away from the source material in odd ways.

Summer Fest Day Three: The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires

Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires (or Seven Brothers Meet Dracula) is exactly what you'd expect from a Shaw Brothers / Hammer Horror co-production. There's a lot of kung fu chop sockey with Hammer gore and a smattering of gratuitous nudity.

The movie itself is concerned with Dracula stealing the identity of a Chinese wizard in order to control the 6 Golden Vampires (one of them is dead by the time he gets there). Most of the time he just hangs out while the golden vampires torture topless Chinese women and drain their blood into a boiling jacuzzi pool. Meanwhile, seven brothers and their sister enlist Van Helsing (Peter Cushing), his son and a Scandinavian Princess to help them find this village and kill the other six Golden Vampires, which they do.

With that synopsis, it shouldn't be hard to figure out what happens, and the kung fu and gore is pretty good. The golden vampires look cool and so do their armies of zombie vampires, who can also kung fu fight. That only makes sense. The final fight with Dracula is, well, underwhelming, but Cushing does what he can to not make it totally lame.

One more night of Summer Fest to go, but first your Cap'n needs some sleep!

Summer Fest Day Three: Troll 2

I think everything I said about Troll 2 here is still accurate. The only additional thoughts I have are about how good it looked in HD, which is just weird. The popcorn scene is funnier the second time, along with the strange homoerotic overtones in the camper van those guys share. Realizing that movies are shot out of sequence, I understand that maybe there was no "continuity" crew member, but its kind of silly to have characters clearly realize something is totally wrong in one scene and forget in the scene that immediately follows it, even if the same characters are involved.

I speak, of course, of the "Church" scene where Josh's father saves him from eating that nasty Goblin ice cream and freak out about their handling of his son only to welcome them with open arms into his house not three minutes later and accept their evil green food.

Troll 2 is some kind of awful, which in this case translates to some kind of special, but you need to be prepared for a movie that struggles to advance a simple plot forward and subplots that don't make sense, period. If you can do that, this "Best Worst Movie" is right up your alley.

Summer Fest Day Three: Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

Truth be told, I was a bit disappointed in MSVGO, despite Cranpire's promises of bad-goodness.

Don't get me wrong; there are things to like here for sure. Wooden acting, Deborah Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas, people "doing science" (and by that I mean pouring one colored liquid into a beaker with another colored liquid), and a few inspired attacks by Mega Shark.

If you can find the "Best of" reel on Youtube, I recommend you watch it, because the "Shark jumping 40,000 feet to take down a jumbo jet" or "shark eating the Golden Gate Bridge" or "Octopus swatting a fighter jet out of the sky" scenes are fun. There are a handful of funny "being serious in a submarine scenes" with Gibson and Lamas, but the downside is there's a lot of movie where nothing interesting happens.

For that matter, there's very little Mega Shark and Giant Octopus in the film, even if the reasons they're separated and (spoiler) reunited are incomprehensible at best. Their undersea smackdown is too short and consists of two effects shots repeated at least three times (Mega Shark bites off Giant Octopus' tentacle) and it's a lot of yapping by humans to get to this underwhelming fight. I'd liken this movie to Godzilla: Final Wars, where what you want to see is limited to small burts of "cool!" punctuated by "boring!"

Despite the Cranpire's promises, this movie is simply not worth the 90 minute investment of time. You're better served watching Megalodon: Shark Attack 3, a far superior "Giant Shark" film with John Barrowman of Torchwood and Doctor Who fame. That has a better pick up line and sex scene, even if it lacks the crucial Debbie Gibson component.

Summer Fest Day Three: Hillbillys in a Haunted House

You see, this movie is the tops. Cranpire and Nathan may disagree, but they're wrong. Hillbillys in a Haunted House is not necessarily misleading as titles go, even if there aren't really hillbillies, or a verifiable "haunted" house anywhere to be found.

What we got instead were frequent musical numbers strung together using the most meager of explanations, a gorilla, some cheap ghosts, bad lip synch, inexplicable shifts from day to night and back to day, and an idea for a new sitcom:

This Fall on CBS - Three Queens and a Drunk, starring Basil Rathbone, John Carradine, Sandra Ho, and Lon Chaney Jr. as the drunk. It's a full house of comedy!

The subplot involving the Queens, the drunk, and that gorilla have virtually no bearing on why the house is "haunted", even if their ill-defined plan to steal Acme Missiles takes us away from the aspiring Nashville country-and-western musicians that lip-synch badly to canned music. When these two pointless stories aren't happening, some other musicians show up (in person or on tv) to sing two or three songs at a time, interspersed with reaction shots that hold on too long.

Our heroes (if you can call them that) are a guy whose name I can't remember, his manager Jeepers and a lady named Boots Malone. Or Boobs Malone. You could really make the argument either way, since her large chest keeps an iron maiden from closing her in, even though it has no spikes.

Made during the Summer of Love in 1967, Hillbillys in a Haunted House tries to make some new stars in country and western music, but mostly is notable for featuring Merle Haggard as the opening act for some totally forgettable "talent." I still found it to be charming in a stupid way and most of the attendees agreed.

Summer Fest Day Three: Uncle Sam

I'm all kinds of goofed by Uncle Sam. This movie is totally appropriate for the 4th of July, and not just because of the title or the fact that a character named Sam (who is somebody's uncle) comes back as a burnt zombie that dresses in an Uncle Sam costume and kills people. It's more because the story is so hyper-patriotic that the movie spends half of its running time setting up exposition.

You see, instead of letting zombie Uncle Sam kill people, writer Larry Cohen (It's Alive, Q The Winged Serpent) and director William Lustig (Maniac Cop) want you to understand that anyone who doesn't go off to war to kill people is a coward and deserves to die. To really drive that home, characters marked for death include a Vietnam Draft dodger, a crooked Congressman, some teenagers that spraypaint swastikas on tombstones and burn the American flag, a pot smoking teenage girl, and Isaac Hayes.

For some reason, Sam isn't particularly interested in killing his wife, who is clearly cheating on him with the local Sheriff before she knows he's dead. If memory serves me correctly, he might not even kill the Sheriff, who could also be a Park Ranger and steals two joints for himself from the Barbeque Girl.

The hyper-patriotism is a little silly and takes forever to establish before Sam kills some dude on stilts who appears to have bought and Uncle Sam costume for the expressed purpose of being a peeping tom. The kills are all right, I guess, with the most notable one being Robert Forster's crooked congressman dying in a hail of fireworks. I can scarcely remember the other kills and the ending just doesn't make sense. We're led to believe throughout the movie that Jody, Sam's nephew, is seriously taking after his "kill all the cowards" mentality, but then the (spoiler) helps blow up Sam with a cannon and burns all of his GI Joes.

The final shot is a slow motion turn of Jody towards the camera, so you're expecting a cutaway to Uncle Sam preparing to kill again (after all, the dude's been burned alive so what was another fire really going to do to him?), but instead the image shatters and credits roll. Are Cohen and Lustig suggesting that this is a Tommy Jarvis "cuckoo for cocoa puffs" setup for future movies, or did they just not know how to end it?

Overall I'm giving this a "pass" because it was Holiday appropriate, but Uncle Sam is nothing to write home about.

Summer Fest Day Three: Student Bodies

Student Bodies brags that it was the "First Horror Comedy", which is technically true, if you aren't counting something like Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, but I don't know how good that distinction makes the movie. Just because you got there first doesn't mean the movie's necessarily going to be great, even if it's sporadically funny.

And I'll give Student Bodies that; it is sporadically funny. Jokes are thrown out so rapidly that something has to connect, although the further the film goes, the less gags arrive and the less funny it gets. The writer/director seems to blow his wad in the first 20 minutes or so, front loading tons of sight gags, non sequiturs, and throwaway lines to elicit at least a chuckle. My personal favorite is a running gag in the first few sequences about unlocked doors and windows, or the line "besides, you can't wash away herpes."

The movie is essentially a Zucker Brothers-esque take on slasher films, although as the film progresses it moves more and more into just slasher movie territory. Oh sure, there are still jokes about the high school doing a non-musical version of Grease (because they "couldn't afford the rights to the song") and a Wizard of Oz joke near the end that takes the time to invert all of the stereotypes set up during the movie proper, but it's never as wild as the film gets during the first act.

If you've never heard of Student Bodies, it's for a pretty good reason: the movie isn't really worth you time. Slasher fans are better served enjoying late-era films which self-consciously poke fun at conventions than watching this more-miss-than-hit film from the height of 80s horror mania. It played on USA Up All Night for a long time but has deservedly slipped back into the muck of obscure lower-tier 80s films.

Summer Fest Day Two: The Prowler

The Prowler might as well have no plot. That there is one is something of a miracle, albeit a dubious one at best. Mostly characters wander around from place to place while a guy in military fatigues kills the crap out of them in horrible ways.

In fact, the only reason to watch this movie is for the Tom Savini makeup effects, which are admittedly pretty spectacular. My favorite involves a shower kill where the killer drives a pitchfork through a naked girl and then forces her up the wall slowly while she bleeds to death but somehow never looks like a makeup effect. There's another one where a knife slices sideways rather deep into someone's throat, then the corpse goes underwater and blood continues squirting out. There's a two-for-one kill with a pitchfork in the beginning, and a knife-through-the-head gag that turns a guy's eyeballs white. Pretty brutal.

Otherwise, I can't tell you much. Nothing really seems to happen and characters come and go at random. There's a great scene involving a really lazy motel clerk messing around with the local sherriff that feels oddly out of place in the movie, if for nothing else than seeing a morbidly obese redneck wearing a Boston Red Sox cap.

Watch The Prowler for the kills, skip the exposition. That's my advice.

Off to bed. Back tomorrow and Sunday with Hillbillys in a Haunted House, Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires, Uncle Sam, Dracula A.D. 1972, Werewolf vs the Vampire Woman, Shaun of the Dead, Student Bodies, Creepshow, and Troll 2, plus more Tales from the Darkside, Tales from the Crypt, Twilight Zone, and a Treehouse of Horror episode!

Summer Fest Day Two: Friday the 13th Part 3

This was a much better 3-D experience than My Bloody Valentine, and really just a better movie. Oh sure, Friday the 13th 3-D is not a great movie, and I'd say 90% of what happens is totally arbitrary, from the way Jason stalks and kills his prey to why characters end up doing what they're doing at any point or the completely random use of 3-D technology.

For example, here's a quick list of things you see jump out at you:

A laundry pole, a TV antenna, a plastic snake, a rat, some guy's fist, a baseball bat, a wallet, a yo-yo, some juggling apples and oranges, a fireplace poker, several moths, a speargun spear, two separate eyeballs, and a joint.

Most of these have nothing to do with people being killed in any way, shape, or form. The characters don't really conform to any "types" other than I guess "Stoner", "Biker", and "Obnoxious Jewish Guy".

During the film, we found ourselves debating the relative merits of Friday the 13th part 3's anti-semitism, product placement, whether "paying for it" counts as "losing it", the "Girlfriend Experience", the continuing argument about whether Jason is alive or undead, and whether or not he's actually retarded or just a mongoloid. It was also pointed out that Shelly looks like what would happen if you smooshed Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen into one person and drained out the funny, and how snarky the stoners were.

Still, the film looks surprisingly good on Blu-Ray and the 3-D worked out nicely. It was a fun, if somewhat distracted, experience.

Summer Fest Day Two: Terrorvision

Oh my goodness. How did Terrorvision escape my life for so long? How had I never seen, nor even heard, of this movie?

Major Tom brought over Terrorvision in VHS format for our consumption tonight, and regardless of what you've heard, it doesn't prepare you for the real deal.

This movie can roughly be described as "Ghoulies meets Videodrome" and that's totally accurate. What I would add are the following handy tidbits of information:

- Terrorvision is produced by Charles Band, of Full Moon Entertainment fame (or infamy). They're responsible for the Puppetmaster films, The Gingerdead Man films, Castle Freak, The Dead Hate the Living, Subspecies, and Sorority Babes at the Slime-Ball-Bimbo Bowl-O-Rama. He also produced Ghoulies, Rawhead Rex, From Beyond, and Robot Holocaust.

- During Chopping Mall, Adam asked "What else has Mary Woronov been in?", and the answer was Terrorvision. The film also features John Gries (Real Genius, Napoleon Dynamite, Lost) as a heavy metal dude, and Sonny Carl Davis (Where the Buffalo Roam, Fast Times at Ridgemont High).


- The movie has the most demented artwork you're ever going to see in what could be construed as a "kids" movie. By this I mean that Terrorvision takes and abrupt turn from straight-up horror comedy into Mac and Me territory in the third act, only to get even weirded before it ends.

- Terrorvision features an Elvira-ripoff named Medusa, who operates a Horror Show / Sex Phone Line. Seriously. It changes mid-movie for no apparent reason, but her show also closes one segment on an extreme closeup of Medusa's cleavage. I'm guessing it's a close as the camera could possibly get to her breasts.

- John Gries is rocking a poodle-like haircut with studded leather jacket and armbands. He's also wearing a WASP t-shirt and frequently makes references to being high or taking drugs. It's really silly. He also utters perhaps the best line in a movie full of great lines, "This dude is into metal!"

- Speaking of which, this movie is all kinds of crazy inappropriate for kids, which is odd seeing as the heroes are kid-to-teenage level. I realize that the older sister (Suzy) was 24 when she made the movie, but she looks like she's 14 max, which makes her dating Uncle Rico seem a little-pervish. He looks old even then, which doesn't help matter. The youngest kid, Sherman, spends 80% of the film with a loaded semi-automatic rifle pointed at people or being jostled around.

- The parents are, hrm, how shall I put this... fucked up. Rather than watch their kids, they go to a swingers party and bring him a floozy blonde and a foreign guy who is more interested in the husband than the wife. He says "How is your husband at taking it like a man? I am Greek, and I am into Greek life. I like the boys." That they're eaten by the alien (along with a gun-crazy Grampa) and subject to really nasty masturbation / fellatio jokes is actually a relief.

- The alien itself is alternately disgusting and endearing. I don't really know if you should be afraid of it or want to hug it, but it is slimy. It kills people in a way stunningly reminiscent of Troll 2, which was just strange.

Truthfully, I cannot recommend you track down this tape enough. Why it isn't on dvd is a crying shame, because it even has a theme song where the chorus is "Terrorvision!" I could tell you about this movie all night but it honestly doesn't paint a clear enough picture of how strange, inappropriate, hilarious, and marvelously fucked up Terrorvision really is.

Big ups to Major Tom for this discovery. Holy crap was that great.

Trivia junk: some of the movies visible during the "broadcasts" are Earth vs the Flying Saucers, Robot Monster, and The Giant Claw! Yes, the very same Giant Claw from Bad Movie Night. Adam had fond memories.

Summer Fest Day Two: Chopping Mall

I don't know what I'm supposed to say about Chopping Mall. It's terrible, but it's perfect.

While I can't argue that there's no way a remake of this movie wouldn't be superior in just about every possible way, I would never want that to happen. This movie doesn't need an improved version, because the charm is in how much it works in spite of itself.

For example, Chopping Mall has no chopping whatsoever. While it does deliver on the promise of the Killbots (listed as Killbots in the opening credits), none of them ever do anything close to chopping. They kind of slice two guys, but no chops. Admittedly, when you come up with a quality pun like "Chopping Mall", you have to roll with it.

The following conversation took place during the film:

"You don't really need to do anything when you have a title like Chopping Mall"

"The script will pretty much write itself"

"And from the looks of it; it did."

And yet, it's hard not to love a movie that wants nothing more than to terrorize some kids in a mall with Killbots. They throw in some Dick Miller, some Paul Bartel, and some Mary Woronov. There's even a young Barbara Crampton (Re-Animator, From Beyond) as the girl in the dual layered leotard, but the Killbots are the stars of the show. The film just barely hits the 77 minute mark, and most of it is spent with the kids running from the Killbots or just Killbots killing people. I was bummed when the "jerk" character died so early, just because he was a d-bag, but not so bad you want him dead right away.

One final note: this movie may have even more bullets fired without reloading than Army of Darkness, which is quite a feat.

Fest Sidenote: At this point, Ad-Rock, the Cranpire and Major Tom begain drinking Wild Irish Rose. Just imagine how that went.

Summer Fest Day Two: Alien Apocalypse

As we were waiting for more attendees to arrive, the Cap'n and company popped in Alien Apocalypse, a Sci Fi Channel Original Picture starring Bruce Campbell. If you've heard of it that's probably because Bruce shot the film back-to-back with The Man with the Screaming Brain in Romania and it uses most of the same crew (and some actors). Otherwise, I can't imagine too many folks having seen this, erm, gem.

I will say this: Alien Apocalypse is better than The Man with the Screaming Brain, but so is Terminal Invasion, and all of them are likely better than My Name is Bruce. I enjoy all of them in different ways, with Terminal Invasion being the favorite. However, Alien Apocalypse really delivers on the cheapness-to-scope of story ratio, so it's better suited for the Fest.

The movie is equal parts Planet of the Apes, Army of Darkness, and The Postman, and it lives up to all the strange ways you'd imagine a hybrid like that to appear. Bruce stars as Ivan somethingorother, an astronaut (and doctor) whose crew returns to find Earth in a post-apocalyptic state and Portland, Oregon ruled by giant space Termites*. Campbell and Renee O'Connor (Gabrielle from Xena: Warrior Princess) are the only survivors and something dumb happens where they work in a sawmill helping cut wood for no apparent reason.

You would assumed they cut the wood for the Termites, but those nefarious alien bastards only eat human heads and fingers. The Termites themselves are a mix of cheap looking puppets and cheaper looking cgi effects. Then again, everything is cheap in this film, from the dubbing of Romanian cast members to the patently fake beards and wigs various human "slaves" are wearing. Even the gloves they wear look like they came from Lowes or the Dollar Store gardening section.

Anyway, so you've figured out the Planet of the Apes part, so I'll clue you in on the AOD and Postman ripoff parts: Bruce trains the townspeople he meets and other freed slaves how to fight back against the termites, which is where the Army of Darkness part comes in, down to an automated arrow shooting car-thing. The Postman comes in because as the Bruce wanders post-Apocalyptic Oregon, he tries to find the President, who is hiding out somewhere. The catch is that his heroic tales begin to replace those about the President and the Doctor (as he is known by the end of the movie) becomes a new folk hero for these Oregonians. I know most of you never saw The Postman but that's basically what happens too, just with Tom Petty playing a futuristic version of himself.



The film is pretty cheesy and mostly not-bloody, although they make up for it near the end. After a largely bloodless arrow battle with exploding woodpiles, Bruce and Renee go nuts with some swords and cut the crap out of four or five termite puppets. They show the same termite decapitation clip like three times, but the green blood is kind of fun and it's a little silly. Overall, Alien Apocalypse is nothing out of the ordinary for Sci-Fi Channel Originals, but when you're dealing with Bruce it raises the bar a smidge.

Then we watched the Doctor Re-Animator video. Well, we watch it between almost every movie.


* Actually, I guess it could be Earth Termites, but it makes more sense if they're from space.

Summer Fest Day One: Tales from the Darkside

Finally, we watched an episode from the first season of Tales from the Darkside, entitled "I'll Give You a Million."

If you've never seen the show or the episode, Tales from the Darkside is an anthology show devoted to "another world; one that is just as real, but not as brightly lit". It bridged the gap between Night Gallery and Tales from the Crypt and could frequently be rather funny or very creepy.

The episode in question is about two elderly rich men (Keenan Wynn and George Petrie) who have bet money on pretty much everything they could throughout life. Bored with simple bets, Duncan Williams (Wynn) offers one million dollars for Jack Blaine (Petrie)'s soul. Blaine, an atheist, balks at first but then agrees to sell his soul on the basis of a legally binding contract.

Then things get complicated. What I love about this episode is that you're pretty sure you know where the story is going when it throws a curveball that takes things in a much darker direction. The final images of the episode are, in fact, so dark I'm surprised it ever aired on television. Along with a handful of other episodes in season one, I'm beginning to remember why I couldn't sleep after watching Tales from the Darkside.

See you tomorrow for more Summer Fest action!