Oh goodness how do I even begin to explain what happened here?
For starters, the Quadruple Feature was a success; we watched (in this order) Batman & Robin, Mac and Me, Troll 2, and Riki Oh: The Story of Ricky. Plus I snuck my "surprise" in, the Star Wars Holiday Special (on VHS). Let it be known that The Cap'n does not mess around in planning a Bad Movie Night.
In the kitchen I had Robot Monster playing on a loop and in my room (which was the way out to the roof for smokers) Sorority Babes at the Slime Ball Bowl-O-Rama was on a loop. No matter where you went, something incredibad was waiting for you.
As you can tell, it's nearly five in the morning and everyone headed out but we had a number of attendees and a few first timers to boot. I'm really itching to sleep since we didn't exactly take breaks, so I'll try to keep the movie portions short.
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First note: between movies we attended to more trailers, including Cop and A Half, Suburban Commando, Moonwalker, Bloodrayne, The Vampires Night Orgy, Shocker, Hell Comes to Frogtown, Teen Wolf Too, Knock Off, Stunt Rock, Scream Blacula Scream, Cyborg, Tales from the Crypt Presents Bordello of Blood, Ticks, and Young Guns 2.
We also watched Teenage Mother another FOUR times and "Move Your Dead Bones" by Doctor Re-Animator. Nicely played.
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Batman & Robin was (conveniently) suffering from some Blu-Ray related issues (or PS3 related issues... I'm not sure) which caused the film to skip during the middle. No loss there.
Uma Thurman aside, there's nothing to recommend about the craptastic fourth Batman film unless you're in the mood for woefully unfunny jokes and the most unoriginal Arnold puns in his filmography.
Things we learned: Adam does not like Alicia Silverstone, Alfred is a lousy butler, you can direct pure sunlight onto Gotham City without vaporizing everyone.
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Mac and Me... oh lordy. While McDonalds and Coca-Cola paid for big chunks of this movie, that's not to say a number of other corporate sponsors didn't get in on the action. Skittles, Valvoline, Sears, He-Man, Voltron, Power Wheels, and yes, Dos Equis all shill their products flagrantly in Mac and Me.
The movie is still entertaining in a "they really did that in a children's movie?" way, and we laughed our way past the shameless product placement and illogical plot machinations.
Adam made the poor decision of taking a swig of Old Irish Rose every time product placement appeared. Tomorrow I'll share a picture of the face he made every time he tried to drink it. I only wish I'd snapped a photo when he tried using a straw...
Things we learned: Mac and Me uses footage from a non-existent The Hills Have Eyes 3, including the mine scene*, Even children in wheelchairs are fair game, Wild Irish Rose is vile, Paul Rudd is a genius.
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Now that I've seen Troll 2 as an adult, I bow down to its reputation. That movie makes the cast of The Giant Claw look like polished professionals and the story makes even less sense than it did 20 years ago. Holy cow is this movie funny for all the wrong reasons.
My favorite subplot has to do with the guys who follow the Waits family to Nilbog and stay in an RV outside of town. They seem to think there's plenty of girls to score with if they just hang out in the RV. Somehow they just end up naked in bed together or in similarly compromising positions. Finally one of them gets lucky with the Goblin Queen (?) and has the greatest scene involving popcorn ever**.
It is totally fair to call Troll 2 the "Best Worst Movie" and show it at midnight. I only wish a nearby theatre offered such an experience.
Things we learned: Italians hate vegetarians, Part of Stonehenge is in Nilbog, Kicking a guy in the nuts will in fact turn him "into a homo", the Biscuitville in Nilbog is open past 2:30 pm.
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There's no reason to watch the Star Wars Holiday Special. People who tell you the Boba Fett cartoon is awesome are lying. The only reason to ever watch it is for the commercials, which are hilarious.
No less than four ads deal specifically with Unions (my favorite being the International Ladies Garment Workers Union) and children's toy commercials are inexplicably juxtaposed with ads for Colonial wine or some of the strangest pantyhose commercials I've ever seen. Also of note is the CBS News bulletins indicating that people didn't have sex during the Blizzard of '78 because "men were outside shoveling", and the Neutron bomb which "wipes out humans but leaves cities intact".
CBS Evening News is also responsible for the following phrase: "Tonight at 11: Fighting Frizzies", which at one point sounds like "Fucking Frizzies" and then simply "Frizzies". There's also a CBS program called Flying High that looks and sounds as dirty as anything on tv today.
Things we learned: Carrie Fisher and Bea Arthur shouldn't sing, Mark Hamill can look a LOT like Julie Andrews, Jefferson Starship went down on Dr. Manhattan, More than one wookie talking at a time sounds stupid, and Life Day is a stupid holiday.
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I already wrote about The Story of Ricky. The only new thing I have to add is just how much better it is to watch it with others. I let a lot of the subtitle non sequiturs slide the first time through, but when others try to make sense of the story based on a very bad translation of Mandarin the movie grows exponentially funnier.
Things we learned: Ricky's jacket is magical, The main warden had a good time in Hawii, There's really no reason why every prisoner didn't leave the prison whenever they wanted to, It's really easy to repair torn sinews.
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In addition to trailers from the incredible nights of Bad Movies, I'll include some photos from tonight, including the "grab bag" recipients and their prizes. Everyone went home happy!
* Adam may have made this up.
** Even better than Real Genius.
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