Back in Business

The great internet drought of aught nine is over, good readers. I hope you haven't all drifted away while the Cap'n stared at a solitary blinking light on his cable modem.

With good news, inevitably, there is bad: by fixing the internet, there is no more free cable. Since I wasn't paying for it, I can't really complain about that, but it does mean I won't be keeping up with tv shows on cable (or the redo of The Prisoner that begins tonight). Instead, I will use the extra time idly spent flipping channels to focus on the piles of movies and tv shows in Blogorium Central HQ (aka The Apartment that Dripped Blood).

The missing two entries will appear chronologically where they ought to, based roughly on when I wrote them using Word on Friday and Saturday. To ensure you see this first, I'll timestamp Trailer Sunday so that it ends up below this entry.

Enjoy the return of my daily shenanigans, now with less distraction.

Spooky Doom: Aw, who am I kidding?

Sorry for the slackadasical posting today, gangerinos, but the Cap'n was a little burned out after spending five hours writing a ten page paper. I don't know whether two pages an hour is good or not... probably not. Well, there was a lot of digging through primary sources and... you don't even care, do you? You're slowly backing away towards the door. I see you! Ghoulface Killah lives behind that door!!!!

Bwaaaaaah! Now look what you've done!

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Okay, so I started but haven't finished watching Slaughter of the Vampires, which is a nice slice of Italian Cleavesploitation (no nudity, but lots of nubile young ladies in very tight bodices for no reason whatsoever) and I guess a vampire. I mean, there is one, but I'm not far enough in to see what his plan is, other than finding a new vampire bride (the old one was left behind and staked by angry villagers).

The film is dubbed but it's not such a bad thing. I don't honestly know how watchable it would be with subtitles, and horror is the universal language, y'know? Besides, I'm pretty sure that the vampire is a German gentleman and perhaps this was a multilingual shoot, like those Spaghetti Westerns.

For some reason, this movie was released stateside as Curse of the Blood Ghouls, which is admittedly a better title, but it doesn't set you up for any vampire slaughter. I like it when the movie promises you something and then kinda delivers on it in the first three minutes. Hopefully there's more slaughtering to come.

Here's the trailer, which looks much worse than the dvd picture does. Kudos to Dark Sky Films for cleaning this up, I suppose.



When (if) I have time to finish this 79 minute movie, you'll get a REAL spooky doom about it. Until then, you're going to have to fend for yourself against Ghoulface Killah!

A brief follow-up on Watchmen

Because the Cap'n hadn't actually seen the first five minutes (or so) of Watchmen, and because of a combination of Borders Bucks and coupon action, I supposed it might not hurt to at least watch the beginning of the movie - if not the whole thing - since I could bring the damn thing home for free.

I'm on the record as saying that it wasn't some horrible disaster like I assumed it would be. On the other hand, not only did the film not live up to the considerable hype that comic fans and the internet raised it to, but the movie had a lot of other problems. The changes in story were dumb and kind of arbitrary, the music cues were mixed in a little too loudly, and the speed ramp-ing was a taaaad overused.

There was something else that bothered me about the movie, something that I couldn't quite put my finger on until I saw the beginning and skimmed through the beginning of the film again. When I realized it, I understood immediately why I had such a hard time getting into the world of Watchmen: the makeup appliances look horrible.

It's not just Nixon, who does look like a bad impersonation of an impersonation of Nixon; it's everyone. I think I mentioned in the other review that Sally Jupiter and the original Nite Owl looked bad, but it's not limited to the "old age" makeup. Castro looks terrible, Pat Buchanan is all but unrecognizable until Jim Lehrer (or a guy who barely looks like him) says his name. Kennedy looks awful and fake. The only person with a rubber (or latex) appliance that is even remotely convincing is Moloch (Matt Frewer), and I'm convinced it's because you don't notice the ears right away.

I spent 90% of the well-crafted opening credits alternating between settling into the world of the comic and being instantly pulled out by really shoddy makeup. I don't know why it's so bad but I had a very hard time buying into the story when such simple effects work looked so fake. The "old age" Comedian looked like he had piles of appliances dolloped on his face just before shooting, and it can really kill the mood. More than anything, this may be the reason I'm reticent to finish watching the Watchmen, even for free. That's a shame, because I might give the movie a fighting chance if I could get over such a simple mistake.

I wish I was at San Diego Dork Con

I'll keep this short, but every year when the Cap'n reads about the cool shenanigans SDCC attendees are privy to, I get a bit bummed. This year, with its Tron: Legacy's and its Avatar footage and its Trick 'R Treat and Inglorious Basterds screenings, I wish - just once - that I could go and be a part of that giant geeksplosion. You could make fun of me for the rest of my days and I wouldn't care. I'd even sit through the underwhelming junk, like Saw VI and Alice in Wonderland if it meant somebody was going to share the cool shit I just get to read about.

But I'm not there. I'm here packing, and reading about it like the rest of you. If you hadn't guessed yet, I don't think I care at all about Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. It sounds (and picture-wise) looks like Tim Burton's Sweeney Todd or Tim Burton's Corpse Bride, etc. At this point, the Tim Burton players suit up and play make believe for two hours while he indulges in visual flourishes that remind you of earlier, better work. For some, it's like crack. For me, it's getting a little worn around the edges.

I'm already bored by Dark Shadows, which is likely the next to follow Alice in Wonderland. Yee-ha. A show that, by design, took a long time to say and do nothing interesting. That's why the most interesting things I could rent, Dark Shadows-wise, were the "scariest moments" tapes, which weren't that scary because they lacked any context. Of course, when you have to plod through (literally) hours of context to see a vampire, ghost, or werewolf, you'll settle for 50 minutes of unrelated "spooky" moments. Imagine what a movie that'll make!

Alas, the Cap'n protest too much. I'd be happier if there was some hot Tron-on-bootleg footage action, or some Ghostbusters related news*, or more stuff like this pretty cool Book of Eli trailer from the Hughes Brothers. Admittedly, I'm a mark for post-apocalyptic stories of pretty much any persuasion, but it still looks like fun. Maybe we could get some confirmation from QT about that Grindhouse blu-ray that's been rumored. Or maybe something totally off the wall, like Sam Raimi directing a World of Warcraft movie...

Oh, right.

Anyway, maybe if I go to grad school on the west coast, perhaps the Cap'n could be reporting to you along with the other lame-o-matic bloggers who are no doubt updating with photos and crap. The difference is that I know the people reading this are not reading those other blogs, so the Cap'n could drop some new shit knowledge on you guys. Stay tuned...



* No, I haven't played any more of the game. Both the system and the game are in boxes...