Horror Fest VIII (Day One): Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

To kick off the fest, it only made sense to start with the only part 8 I was willing to watch (sorry, Hellraiser: Hellworld) - Friday the 13^th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. While not the wisest decision, Jason Takes Manhattan did at least start Horror Fest on a high spirited tone. It was only after we’d begun that I discovered two people had never seen a Friday the 13^th film before, so the Cap’n did have the common decency to apologize for starting them off with such a bad entry point.

 There aren’t a lot of seventh sequels out there, but one has to imagine that Jason Takes Manhattan would still take the cake for managing to disappoint fans of the Friday series. Paramount slashed the budget to the point that director Rob Hedden shot most of the film in Vancouver, had to change most of the major set pieces involving New York landmarks, and the “cruise ship” became more of the focus than what the title promised. The end result is more “Jason Takes a Cruise Ship and Eventually Gets to Times Square,” which is, let’s be fair, not the bill of goods we were sold in that fantastic teaser trailer.

 And yet, Jason Takes Manhattan has some enjoyable moments to be gleaned from its overlong run time and mostly bloodless kills. If you wanted a slasher movie that thoroughly covered all of your favorite character tropes and encapsulates what people think of when you say “80s”, Manhattan has it. Rocker with a boombox hooked up to her electric guitar? Jason can use that to kill you. Guy who looks like River Phoenix that films everything with a camcorder? Check. Bitchy prom queen doing coke with The Scorpion King’s Kelly Hu that knocks our Final Girl into the ocean? Yup, got that too. Creepy uncle with a leathery face and a stuffy suit? Yessir. A disco? Wait… a disco? Well, sure, why not?

 If left to just that, we might have a moderately entertaining movie, but thankfully Hedden managed to throw in a few curveballs to compensate for the watered down gore and lack of “Manhattan” in Jason Takes Manhattan. And I don’t even mean the scene with the punks or Jason in front of a giant hockey mask. Not even the toxic waste sewage flood that happens at midnight every night in New York. Obviously that has to happen or the C.H.U.D.s would pack up and leave.

 No, the real enjoyment to be gleaned from Jason Takes Manhattan come from pointless subplots like Rennie (Jensen Daggett)’s stupid dog, who vanishes for most of the middle of the film only to show up in the lifeboat just in time to leave the cruise ship that Jason managed to blow up (? Burn up?), or the ridiculous way she (Rennie, not the dog) is connected to Jason. Beyond that, Daggett’s frumpy outfit (consisting of too-high jeans, poofy shirt and overlong vest) make Rennie look ten years older than she actually was during the making of the film and fifteen years older than the high school graduate she was supposed to be. Oh yeah, did I mention that the cruise ship Lazarus is taking high school seniors on their graduation cruise from New Jersey to New York. Don’t ask how Jason got from Camp Crystal Lake to the ocean; what’s important is that when they reach international waters, his murder spree is no longer illegal.

 Also of note is the way that Jason wanders around the Lazarus, and by that I mean rather than moving around with some sense of purpose, Hedden simply has Kane Hodder open doors and poke his head in to see what’s going on before moving on. This may be the least effective Jason I’ve seen in any of the Friday the 13^th films, because he doesn’t seem to know what he’s supposed to be doing, and we’re talking about the same Jason who punches a guy’s head off in a boxing match later in the film. Oh, *SPOILER*. He does kill a guy with a hot sauna stone, which manages to set said victim’s intestines on fire, which looks cool even if it doesn’t make sense. As it’s one of the few kills we see in any detail, you have to take what you can get. It does seem like Jason’s strict moral code now extends to people who lose while sparring, people who play the guitar, and people that own diners. I’ll chalk that up to being resurrected by underwater electrocution, though.

 Special attention must be paid to Scott Reeves, playing Sean Robertson, the son of the Lazarus’ Captain. I understand he was a late replacement for another actor, but in nearly every scene Reeves can be observed looking off camera as though to be prompted for his next line before responding to another character. It prompted the running gag of someone saying “line?” as soon as anyone asked Reeves a question in Jason Takes Manhattan, and without fail he’d look past the other actor before saying anything. I could be nice and pretend that it was just a coincidence, but Jason Takes Manhattan isn’t deserving of that benefit of the doubt. While charming in its own stupid way, it’s not hard to understand why Paramount gave up on the series after eight films.

 Up next:  V/H/S 2!

News and Notes: Breather Edition

 Yeesh! I feel like I've been doing nothing but putting up reviews for the last few weeks. Yes, there are the obligatory Video Daily Doubles and Trailer Sundays, but between those have been a nonstop run of reviews and not much else. I'm not even done with the list of movies I've seen but haven't done write ups for (The Descendants, Young Adult, Captain America: The First Avenger, Saw IV, V, and VI), and now I'm strongly considering diving into the first season of Game of Thrones.

 Well, I watched the first episode last night, and based on how it ends, you have plenty of incentive to watch the second one. I've also been keeping up with season three of Eastbound and Down, which manages to up the ante on the horrible things that Kenny Powers is able to endure and inflict on others. It seems like either would be a fine candidate to return to TV Talk with. I must confess that I am not up to date with The Walking Dead or Breaking Bad, and if I'm going to invest another nine hours on Game of Thrones, it could be a little while before I get there.

 Now that we're nearly two weeks removed from The 84th Annual Academy Awards, allow me to share a few things I found amusing:

 - I didn't really like the "test audience" segment as it pertained to the content, but it was nice to see the Christopher Guest Players (sans Parker Posey) together again. I hope this entices them into making another of their mockumentaries.

 - The fact that the cast of Bridesmaids had a drinking game involving Martin Scorsese's name made me smile. That no one ever explained or confirmed said drinking game makes me smile all the more.

 - The Cirque de Soleil performance that people, at best, can describe as "impressive" is still tenuously (at best) related to movies after the North By Northwest opening. It is, however, as ridiculous as the "interpretive dance to scores from movies like Saving Private Ryan" from the 2000 Academy Awards telecast, so there's that.

 - Did I miss it, or was there only one pointless montage this year? To be fair, I had some apple pie early in the program, so I didn't even catch all of that montage, but if there was another one I've forgotten it.

 - Chris Rock looked younger. Like, a LOT younger. Also, he called out celebrities that do voice-over work in animation and was funnier than Billy Crystal while he did it. It didn't hurt than most (if not all) of the stars in attendance have done animation voice-over, including Martin Scorsese* (drink now).

 - Not to be outdone by George Lucas, James Cameron made sure everybody watching the Oscars that didn't DVR it would know that Titanic will be in 3-D very soon. I look forward to not watching the film for the first time again, but this time in fake 3-D.

 This is maybe something that only I chuckled at, but Criterion made it so that Belle de Jour and Godzilla will sit side-by-side in Spine Numbers from here on out. Also, they are upgrading The Last Temptation of Christ on Blu-Ray in time for Easter. Being John Malkovich, The War Room, Harold and Maude, and Shallow Grave are soon to follow. Now we just need C.H.U.D.

 Speaking of which, why is nobody trying to remake C.H.U.D.?

Finally: A List of Fifteen Minute Movie movies I Watched on VHS but Never Got Around to Writing About:

 Midnight Run
 Kelly's Heroes
 Wayne's World
 Best in Show
 The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring



 * Shark Tale. You're welcome.

Four Reasons for "Spoiler of the Day"

 If you've never seen a Four Reasons before, it's because I don't have a chance to do them that often. The Cap'n is usually so focused on doing a review that I rarely opt instead to focus on any four aspects of a film that build one case (the most recent entry was about how silly Tron Legacy was), and of all of the specialty columns, it gets the least coverage. Ironically, I've chosen to bring it back tonight to discuss something most of you can't see (yet).

 Over on my non-Cap'n Howdy social media site (which is not linked for various reasons), I've started doing what I call a "Spoiler of the Day*" a feature devoted to giving away the ending (or twist) of one movie every day. At first this might seem cruel, particularly when I try not to spoil endings of newer movies on the Blogorium. In fact, despite not answering the question of how John Carpenter's The Ward ended - and instead hinting it was similar to another movie (Identity) I knew people hadn't seen - The Ward and Identity were two of the first SotD.

 I do have four very good reasons why I'm doing this, and I thought I'd share them here before I integrate the Spoiler of the Day to the Blogorium as a supplemental post next week.

 1. Chances are, You Won't be Seeing These Movies Anyway - While it won't always be the case, you can look at SotD as an extension of the "So You Won't Have To" reviews. I'm going to try to spoil all different kinds of movies, but the bulk of them will be ones I know people didn't see but might enjoy knowing what happened at the end. How do I know this? Because Blogorium favorite The Happening generated all kinds of disbelief when I explained what's killing people. Sometimes all you need to know is the premise of a movie you didn't see to appreciate how stupid it gets, and I guess most of the world didn't know that (SPOILER) plants conspiring to wipe out the northeastern U.S. was what The Happening was about. If that's a service I can provide, then I'll happily share the dumbest twists to the dumbest movies.

 2. The Obvious Choices Aren't on My List - Look, spoiling Psycho or Citizen Kane or Soylent Green or Planet of the Apes isn't any fun. Even if you haven't seen them, you know what happens. I'd much rather throw a curveball and spoil Murder By Death completely out of context in the hope that it sends someone to the movie with a desire to figure out how what happens, well, happens. Because they won't always be "bad" movies, I might leave out certain plot details and just cover the ending in order to generate interest in the film itself. The spoilers won't always be in context, in part because of my next reason...

 3. I'm going to have fun with it - This isn't just another Moviepooper situation where I simply recap the film for people who don't know whether they want to invest time in it or not. There will be cases of misdirection or occasionally misleading facts. For example, when I spoiled The Boogens, I went a step further and implied the movie was somehow tied to C.H.U.D.? Why? Slight resemblance in the monsters. And it made me chuckle. I don't want this to be a dry recap of what happened in a movie - I want it to be as entertaining as anything else on the Blogorium.

 4. Down the Line, It's Going to Be Interactive - After I've been doing this for a while, both with movies I've seen and ones I happen to know the ending of, I'm going to bring back the poll on the right hand of the screen. I'll ask you what you want to see Spoiled, what you've always wanted to know the ending of but can't be bothered to watch or find yourself online (and Moviepooper, while handy, is far from comprehensive). For example, want to know what happened at the end of Blues Brothers 2000? Me neither, but someone out there might! I'll find out for you (I think I know, actually) and post it. If you have one that you'd like to share, I can arrange that too.

So there are my reasons for arbitrarily spoiling the endings, twists, and unexpected turns in a movie every day. It started as a lark, but when you've sat through as many movies as I have that nobody is ever going to watch, it's best to find some way to put that trivia to use. Look for the feature on Monday, when I'll be spoiling... let's save that as a surprise.



* I'm seriously debating switching it to Spoiler FOR the Day, just because there's something grammatically troubling about Spoiler Of the Day that I can't quite put my finger on.

Newer News and Older Notes

 It looks like the inevitability of The Hangover Part III became a little more inevitable with the Box Office madness last weekend. While I tend to joke that box office numbers are directly proportional to the quality of the film, in this case I really can't even say that with a straight face. While The Hangover Part II is funny, which technically means it succeeds as a comedy, the sequel is one of the most flagrant examples I can think of recently of not straying too far from the original Or straying at all: the changes are all superficial, the character arcs are basically unchanged, and The Hangover Part II becomes strangely predictable even if you've only seen the first film once.

 Todd Phillips recently suggested that "if" they made a third film (Warner Brothers has subsequently hired Part II screenwriter Craig Mazin [Scary Movie 3 and 4] to start writing the next film) it would be the "finale" and would be "different" from the first two. Now it would be nice if that happened, and I don't doubt Phillips is sincere in his desire not to continue remaking The Hangover, I doubt Warner Brothers is very excited at the concept of a radical departure from the formula. Since audiences have demonstrated that they're willing to pay for tickets to a movie they've already seen, why risk scaring them away, or worse still, "ending" this emerging franchise?

But we all know the more pressing matter is what the Cap'n will do if I decide to see The Hangover Part III: Diminishing Returns - I can't repeat my repeat review. That's so passe, and besides, I must stress that it wasn't even my idea to begin with. I guess I have a year-and-a-half or so to figure that out, although if I'm going to watch a movie I've seen before, it probably isn't going to be The Hangover.

---


However, if you're looking for a way to separate me from money I don't have, you could come up with worse ideas than Shout Factory's Mystery Science Theater 3000 volume XXI, also known as MST3k vs. Gamera. As Volume XX was a Joel-centric set, Volume XXI is also a "theme" set, this time collecting all of Joel and the Bots' encounter with the giant, fire breathing turtle (or whatever Gamera is supposed to be). They also happen to come from Season Three of MST3k, when the show was really hitting its stride, and benefit from the fact that all of the films had already been a part of the KTMA pre-series season, giving the writers a second go-round.

For some reason, it never occurred to me that when Shout Factory picked up the Gamera series for release, it dramatically increased the chances that exactly this boxed set should come to pass. Since there's almost no chance we'll see Godzilla vs. Megalon again, this may be the best gaijin Mistie you can expect for a while.

---

Finally, I thought this tidbit might be interesting, and it allows the Cap'n to keep hoping: this week, Criterion's Facebook page posted a screen cap from Krzysztof Kieślowski's Red, hinting at a Blu Ray release of the "Three Colors" trilogy. What's significant about this? At first, it merely seems logical: Criterion has already released The Double Life of Veronique and fans hope that The Decalogue may find its way to "Spine Number" status down the line.

 That said, what I noticed immediately, because I still have the DVD boxed set of the Three Colors trilogy, is this impending announcement is significant for another reason. Red, Blue, and White were released on DVD by Miramax, who owned the rights and presumably sold them during the great "catalog dump" when the mini-major studio folded. Previously I had mentioned that as far as the press announcement indicated, the catalog was being split between Lionsgate and Echo Bridge (the former not being such a bad thing; the latter more so).

 At the end of the post I said that I hoped people would avoid Echo Bridge's mangling of From Dusk Till Dawn because a better studio might pick up the rights. I half-jokingly suggested Criterion pursue the film, not ever expecting it be reality. While it still remains hope on my part, the fact that the Criterion Collection is pursuing rights to previous Miramax titles (like the Three Colors trilogy) means that my pipe dream may not be so outlandish after all. Maybe we could see that Spine Number after all. Right after C.H.U.D.*.

* It was a great April Fool's Day joke, Criterion, but seriously get on that disc. Did you see the out-pour of fans supporting the idea of an actual C.H.U.D. release? I'd buy it today and I'm flat broke.

Horror Fest: A People's History (Part Two)

Welcome back to Part Two of the oral history of Horror Fest. If you need a refresher on who's who, please refer to Part One. We begin the recounting with a favorite (and hotly contested) story from the first Summer Fest:


The C.H.U.D. Incident:

Barrett: I remember that chick that nearly jumped out of her seat when she saw a C.H.U.D. Then Cranford looked over and said “were you just scared by a C.H.U.D.?” The answer was clearly a “yes”

Kai: I was not scared by C.H.U.D!

Nathan: She was definitely scared by a C.H.U.D.

And Now Barrett Presents His Patented Rules for Surviving Horror Fest:

Rule Number One of Horror Fest -

Bring your own Booze

Okay now you may be asking yourself "Well Brains won't there be booze at the Horror Fest?" Well of course there will be booze at Horror Fest, Satan may not partake but he still knows how to get down! BUT you see here is the thing, the booze at Horror Fest can't be trusted, remember who’s supplying it, your drinking Satan's booze and it's not his good stuff it's primarily fucking Wild Irish Rose & Mountain Dew game fuel (sponsored by red bull). Unless you’re Adam or, well, Cranpire (in which case I'm really fucking sorry) you really don't want to drink it. So what I'm getting at is that Horror Fests are great, as long as you remember it's BYOB, a good time will be had by all... oh yeah, and as long as you follow Rule Number Two!

Rule Number Two:

Do Not Pay Any Attention To That Hideous Pile of Crap on the Couch (That's Cranpire)!

So just to give you a bit of a warning Horrorfest's have been known to be one of the rare occasions when you can see the Cranpire outside it natural surroundings. For those uninitiated with the beast, he is best described as a Golgothan, yes that's right, he's basically a 6 foot tall pile of crap. I mean for a six foot pile a crap he doesn't smell that bad, just of the plague and communes for some reason, but I digress, he will make noise at you he may even follow you around, but what ever you do don't touch him or your cloths will never be the same (Brains tip: go to goodwill for the perfect Cranpire safe attire wear once then burn). But as long as you follow these simple rules a good time will be had by all.

Strange Adventures on the Front Porch:

Patrick: Two words, Hammer and Bullet. Now yes I was intoxicated (I usually am at the fests and elsewhere) but it was just a bullet and a hammer.

Barrett: Does it shock anyone that Cranford was intoxicated? I’m surprised he even remembers this story!

Patrick: My memory is shit and most of you know it. I really do not know how many [Horror Fests] I have been to.

The Cap’n: I remember that people didn’t want to be anywhere near him while he was hitting a bullet with a hammer. It pretty much cleared off the porch.

Riannon: I cannot recall now if Cranford was intent on provoking that bullet to explode with a hammer before or after we dealt with The Happening, but I’m leaning towards before. You see, Cranford lives in the existential torture chamber into which The Happening shoved the rest of us, so his clumsy dance with death was routine. But the rest of us would not have been made so nervous, and would not have repeatedly asked him to distance himself from us if this was post-Happening. Should you have to see this film, be forewarned: the events depicted therein only rudely re-imagine the effects of watching M. Night Shamilividanron pictures. Remove yourself from sharp objects, high ledges, firearms, and Cranfords with hammers.

Patrick: The amount of fear and nervousness that I inspired in the hearts of the other festers was just laughable. Yeah, I am a goof and not very careful but really what was I going to do. People were hiding and getting worried but I was just fooling around. Nothing would of or could have happened but the fear in faces still makes my day...

Phillippi: I’m pretty sure that Mythbusters has proven Cranford right on that one.

Nathan: But if any freak accident was going to happen, you know it would happen when he was doing it.

Terrorvision:

Tom: Some time later, I flashed back to January 1988, watching on the old WKFT-40 station from Fayetteville - which has since become Univisión - on a Saturday evening with my family the film TerrorVision. We had recently as a family obtained our first VHS VCR - a sleek Emerson front-loader - and it became a weird hobby of my mother and me to randomly record things that showed up on television. We have stacks of VHS tapes of things taped from TV, but TerrorVision was the first movie we taped. The very fact that this was -ever- on broadcast TV - and, unedited, since I've hence found the original tape - is mind-boggling given how gratuitously dirty the movie is. On the same tape were two episodes of PeeWee's Playhouse, an episode of 21 Jumpstreet, and about half of Poltergeist. (We were still learning the subtleties of SP, LP, and EP speeds) This is what passed for fun in our house, especially if there wasn't anything good on TV that particular night. And, until we had built up a reasonable library of film texts, a lot of our off-time viewing pleasure derived from this tape and others like it. (I think I had watched the orphic Canadian Christmas special "George and the Christmas Star" a solid dozen times between Christmas '87 and New Year's '88) But TerrorVision remained that anomaly. Years later I recalled it, and remembered the name Mary Woronov, though uncertain how or where. I tried tracking this gem down, but it was never released as a DVD and the VHS had long been out of print. I happily forked over eight dollars plus shipping just to get another glimpse at what I remembered, ostensibly, as a family movie. After seeing it at Horror Fest for the first time in probably eighteen or so years, I can only conclude that my family was nothing more than fucked in the head. I am happy that my childhood recollection of a weird-assed film no one else in the room had ever seen paid off big: this may have been one of the few times that I have ever heard the Cap'n, among other aficionados, ask non-rhetorically: "What the hell did I just watch?"

Kai Once Again Disputes "The C.H.U.D. Incident":

Kai: Ladies and gentlemen, Horror Fest attendees one and all, I am writing to address a serious case of slander and libel that has caused me many a sleepless night. I stand accused of being the only person to ever be frightened by a C.H.U.D. Yes, I do mean Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers from the 1984 cult classic. I hope to clear my name and reputation by recounting the true events of that fateful movie showing.

One dark and stormy night in early July I stood in front of an ominous building that was bathed in red light straight from hell. I thought it was only the oppressive humidity that was causing my hair to curl but now I know that it was the impending horror and evil that I would encounter.

The movie selection was C.H.U.D. and all was well for most of the showing. My fellow horror fans and I laughed at the special effects and questionable script yet I still detected danger under the seemingly benign joviality. I attempted to quell my suspicions but my survival instinct told me to prepare for the worse.

And then came that scene, oh what a scene, I can hardly bring myself to narrate the horror! As the protagonist made his way down into the deep dark sewers teeming with unknown dangers I felt as if all of humanity was in mortal peril. When all of a sudden OHGODNO! The C.H.U.D. appeared with glowing eyes, dripping fangs, male pattern baldness, and an aura of pure evil. No circle of Dante's hell or Nicholas Sparks book contained such a horrific creature worthy of contempt.

But do not dare to think that I was frightened. My valor did not falter. The so-called "start and gasp" that has been taken as evidence for my faintness of heart was truly a rush of adrenaline as I prepared to defend those crammed into the tiny room. Only I recognized the menace that was in our midst. So no, I was not frightened by the creature, this C.H.U.D, but I was preparing myself for the inevitable battle to the death that must occur in order for humans to maintain dominance over the despicable monster. While it turns out that my assistance was not required to vanquish the evil C.H.U.D. foe, you dear Horror Fest fan, must recognize that you stared into the glowing eyes of pure evil that night and that John Heard and I saved humanity so that you may drive your Prius in safety.

Nathan: Nope. She was definitely scared by a C.H.U.D.

Controversy:

The Cap’n: Generally speaking, the hardest time someone has at a Horror or Summer Fest is their first. If you’ve never been to one before, it’s hard to know what the atmosphere is going to be like. Movies take precedence, generally with running commentary from the viewers, but these events are not like normal parties where people wander in and out during movies. The following anecdote is about such an incident.

Adam: One year, a relative newcomer (who we will call Mr. X) showed up for
the Friday night festivities. He seemed like a decent guy, maybe a
little too in to Madden NFL, but personable. He had such a good time
that he decided to bring a date (Ms. Y) the next night.

Andrea: Y'know. *them*

Adam: Saturday night is typically the crown jewel of the fest, featuring the most anticipated flix and thus the largest audience. I believe we were watching Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus (or MSVGO to the initiated), when Mr X. and Ms. Y came in. They sat on the floor and began chatting...well, she began chatting. She was drunk and getting drunker by the minute, which would have been fine if she could have even constrained her conversation to the movie. MSVGO is not a movie that demands constant attention and some light heckling is warranted. Her first real mistake came when she decided to confront Pat on his encyclopedic knowledge of pornography. Anyone who knows Pat, is well aware that he could write a column for the Adult Video News (I assume
there is a periodical).

Patrick: I do know my porn.

Adam: The confrontation centered on her insistence that a certain actor in the movie resembled some porn actor, who she incorrectly named. When pat corrected her, she fought a little too hard for her mistake and it fell to Barrett and his Blackberry Storm to confirm Pat's information. She, at this point, became very impressed
with Pat. This was not reciprocated.

Barrett: Oh, you mean [NAME DELETED]? I actually knew her independently of this situation, and when she’s drunk, things can get bad pretty quickly.

Adam: Her second mistake came in instigating too many intra-movie smoke breaks. Anyone who has been to horrorfest or summerfest is well aware that the smokebreak is the Cap’n's natural enemy.

The Cap’n: Were it not for smoke breaks, I assure you we could watch every movie in the lineup without problem. Instead, the breaks get longer and longer the more of them go out there, so I tend to put on Dr. Re-Animator’s “Move Your Dead Bones.”

Andrea: Yay! The "Move Your Dead Bones" video ad infinitum, and the dancing!

Phillippi: Oh god, not that stupid video.

Neil: I'd love to tell you all about the Beyond Re-animator techno remix in all it's... well, I don't know the word. Unfortunately, if I described it, you would not believe me. It is quite possibly the worst thing I have ever seen, in too many different ways to count. I may just have to claw out my eardrums and eyeballs, but that still won't dislodge it from the deep recesses of my brain.

Nathan: [the Cap’n] found it on the Beyond Re-Animator dvd. It’s some vaguely Spanish Mark McGrath looking guy singing a techno song about being re-animated.

Barrett: [the Cap’n] says he puts it on when people go out for smoke breaks. I say it causes the smoke breaks.

Phillippi: It’s more of a “chicken or the egg” thing, if you ask me. The video sucks, and he does play it between every single movie.

Adam: So the more she convinced people to go out on the roof and smoke, the more annoyed many of us got. Not to mention the fact that the more time people spent with her, the more they grew to dislike her, but at this point it remained largely tacit. Finally during one of the breaks, Pat sneaks back inside to talk to those of us not smoking or milling around outside and says "OK. Which one of us is going to tell her to shut up? Let's draw straws." Which we did. As I recall, Neil drew the short straw but
really didn't want to be the one to do it.

The Cap’n: I don’t remember this at all.

Adam: Eventually we settled on feeding her a little concoction we like to call Hobo Bug Juice (HBJ) which is a mixture of Wild Irish Rose and Mountain Dew Game Fuel. She didn't get very far into it before, as far as I could tell, she realized that she was in a hostile environment. She got very quiet and then wanted to leave. Mission Accomplished. Neither Mr. X or Ms. Y showed up at any further fests as far as I am aware.

Cars, Tools, and Ratcheting the Tension:

Phillippi: This happened a year or two ago, a friend, we'll call him Cranpire so as not to protect his identity at all, hauled himself to Greensboro in his car (which is the same steady sort of process of decay as the Parthenon) for horrorfest and of course it broke down on him. He was pretty sure it was the spark plugs, so he called some other friends who knew about cars to come help him replace them. They brought tools, and the only thing they requested of him was that he go down to the auto parts store and get the plugs and the proper size ratchet to change the plugs with. Cranpire did this, and in the early afternoon we all gathered around his car to quickly and easily (or so we thought) fix it. The tools came out, and not having a ratchet there (hence the request Cranpire buy one) They guys looking at the engine asked for the tools. Cranpire handed over the plugs, along with a two inch long shiny cylindrical slug, the socket. I looked over and asked... "Where's the ratchet?"

"That's it," he replied

"No that's a socket, that doesn't work very well without the ratchet wrench to apply torque to the plugs," I tried to explain.

"Well I asked for something to change my spark plugs with and that's what the guy at the parts store gave me," Cranpire replied as if this wasn't his fault. I shook my head.

"So you don't have the ratchet." I said.

"Well.... I THOUGHT I did." We all stood around alternating shaking our heads in disgust, laughing, or cursing under our breaths. The more mechanically inclined members of the group took what wrenches they did have, needle nose vise grips, a pipe wrench and a couple of small general purpose adjustable wrenches and set about trying to get down in and loosen even one of the spark plugs. I could tell it wasn't going to work.

After about ten or fifteen minutes of trying to fit wrenches clearly not made for the purpose of removing spark plugs down into spaces clearly not large enough for the same aforementioned wrenches, they start to look at other ways to get to the plugs. As I stood there watching my friends discuss the possibility of removing the entire fuel injection system from the top of the engine block to get a better shot at getting to the spark plugs, I look over at Cranpire, who is busy flipping an eight inch long metal object about the size and shape of a wooden cooking spoon over and over in his hand... My jaw dropped.

"What is that?" I demanded.

"What?" Cranpire responded obliviously.

"In your hand... what is that?"

"Oh its just the thing that came with the spark plug thingie." He explained wondering why everyone was suddenly staring at him.

"That," I said as calmly as I could at the moment, "IS. A. RATCHET!" I slapped my forehead with my palm.

"Really, well how was I supposed to know?" He asked indignantly.

"You could have guessed from the fact it came ATTACHED TO THE SOCKET!!!"

"Oh, yeah.... does this mean you guys can fix my spark plugs then?" And yes indeed we could, after at least ten minutes of berating him for wasting our time, and one or two attempts to explain to him how badly we could have fucked up his car removing the fuel injection system ( a lost cause), we did in fact get his spark plugs replaced.

AND WE HAVE NEVER LET HIM LIVE IT DOWN.

Parting Thoughts:

Patrick: You mean besides getting to hate on Barrett (which is a great joy)?

Adam: Well, there was Pat trying to piss on people from the roof, Pat considering trying to piss in the toilet through the bathroom window when he didn't want to leave the roof…

Patrick: Hey!

Adam: I shirked a wedding I was supposed to be heavily involved in for Summerfest, me working through my grief over a Halloween funeral by driving clear across the state round trip to make it back for Shark Attack 3: Megalodon and the Shecklestein brothers.

The Cap’n: Oh yeah! Shecky and Yankel Shecklestein!

Tom: There are ever more things that I will remember, but these seem to be the most prominent, and I am sad that the tradition is coming to a graceful and classy close, but look forward to what may in fact be other offshoot traditions. I could write some plenty about the idea of creating a community and fostering a central idea or axis about which people rotate and gravitate and return to, but I'm hoping this message is in the very least implicit for the lot of you reading this. Don't make me break out the sociological guns.

Andrea: My absolute favorite Horror Fest / Summerfest memory is the feeling of sheer delight that I get from being so freely silly with (and enjoying shared experiences of the absurd with) such wonderfully wonderful people. People I feel I can relax around, people who are hilarious (isn't laughing the best?), people I love. People who are very, very dear to me. Us all gettin' together to watch something ridiculous & crack wise about it is just SO MUCH FUN. It makes me giddy. I'm a kid at Christmas when I'm going to Horrorfest.

Tom: And as long as I can find some way to make a DEEZ NUTZ joke, hopefully at Adam or Neil's expense, the merrier I shall be.

Neil: I just heard a strange noise coming from downstairs, so I'm going to go investigate. I'll be right back…

Horror Fest: A People's History (Part One)

Editor's Note: After compiling the testimony of those who where there for the madness that is Horror and Summer Fest, the Cap'n has more than he expected. Ergo, I'll be breaking the oral history of Greensboro's Underground Horror Event(s) into two parts. Each part is broken into relevant sections covering the fests and surrounding events. Enjoy.

The “Who’s Who” of Horror Fest Memories:

The Cap’n: Fearless leader, host of Horror and Summer Fests, sadist.

Nathan: Horror aficionado, frequent attendee. Also sadist.

Andrea: Regular Horror Fest attendee, geek. Not particularly sadistic.

Adam: Nuclear Physicist / Engineer. Masochist.

Patrick: Video Store employee, has attended every Summerfest. Porn expert.

Riannon: Roller Derby intellectual turned horror nut. Sadistic and masochistic.

Tom: A Doctor. Has attended every Horror and Summer Fest.

Neil: Comes for the torture. Stays for the movies.

Barrett: Reluctant mechanic. Enemy of the Cranpire.

Phillippi: Parent and Politico. Not a fan of Matango.

Liz: Culinary expert and Used Book seller. Loves Golden Girls.

Kai: Graduate Student. Afraid of C.H.U.D.s.

Kevin: First time visitor last fall. No fan of Jive Turkeys.

Random Memories and Movies:

Nathan: My best memories of Horror Fest(s): Revisiting old favorites (Chopping Mall, C.H.U.D., Night of the Lepus) with people who weren't as familiar with them and the beautiful commentary that came as a result of it.

Andrea: Cranford's spot-on comment timing.

The Cap’n: I really wish I could have recorded the commentary for Night of the Lepus [at Summer Fest 1]. It may never get better than that. We may have used every rabbit joke there is.

Nathan: Adam's various attempts at drinking Wild Irish Rose and the faces he made because of them.

Adam: Just remembering the taste gives me the feeling that someone is walking
over my grave.

Andrea: Also, the endlessly entertaining picture of Adam post-Budweiser with Clamato.

Tom: There will always be Tripwire, which I eagerly anticipate downing yet again, just for auld lang syne.

Liz: Getting to see [Return to Horror High] was a life-changing moment. I think that film launched George Clooney into that bit part on Golden Girls.

The Cap’n: I’m forever grateful that Neil introduced us to the film Blood Car, a movie that took a year to get ahold of.

Tom: I remain convinced that Blood Car may be the unsung hero of low-budget horror-comedy. Perhaps, even, its Messiah, given that the subject matter - at once palatable as well as beyond-the-pale-inconceivable - propels the juggernaut forward. I would probably never have seen this flick were it not for SummerFest (and, reluctantly, Neil), nor would I have ever thought about the ludicrous - yet in our era of living beyond peak oil - moral and ethical ramifications of using living beings to power the world in which we live. As over-the-top as the story is, and as painful and occasionally gruesome as it is (puppy hunting, anyone?), it stands to reason that Blood Car fits our times and delivers a message (that presumably few will see) we need. When I saw this at SummerFest, my then girlfriend and I ruminated over the film and bonded even more over it. We would break out laughing when we encountered wheat grass or a bag of chips at the grocery store. Tofu became an awkward commodity. We balked at the idea of ever becoming that speciesist as a human race, but were kept in check when a gallon of gasoline was nearly one-half of an hour's work for me at the time.

Nathan: Blood Car! I need me a Blood Car.

Tom: As a kitten-loving vegetarian, I was alarmed at how loudly I was laughing at the slaughter of a disabled, triple-amputee vet for his luscious sanguinity.

The Cap’n: Oh, and there was The Giant Claw, which most people missed out on!

Neil: Trying to decide on a closing film for horror fest is serious business, so Nathan and I knew we were in for an experience when all of a sudden [the Cap’n] says, "alright sit down, we're watching Giant Claw." It's from the 50's, stars no one you've ever heard of, and it's called Giant Claw. Sounds incredi-awesome, right?

The Cap’n: Yes.

Neil: Ladies and gentlemen, by my count, I watched 13 movies, and all of them lived up to any preconceived expectations, but this one exceeded my wildest imaginations. For the first half hour, you never see the mysterious, out of focus threat plaguing the skies. (Whether out of suspense of lack of money is anyone's guess.) But nothing, and I mean nothing can prepare you for when it's finally revealed. Not even me spoiling it for you right now and telling you it's a giant antimatter space turkey.

Nathan: *combination of sighs and chuckling*

Neil: Yes, that's right, an giant antimatter space turkey, who boldly ignores the basic laws of particle physics and declares war on humanity, presumably out of boredom or the need to procreate light years away from whatever galaxy it flew from. (According to the trailer, it's also 17 million years old.) It also has googly-eyes.

Adam: I feel so bad for that bird.

The Cap’n: I feel bad that we watched The Ruins.

Neil: I don't remember much about The Ruins because I was distracted by Adam's running commentary, which should tell you all you need to know about how interesting a movie it is.

Adam: I really stopped caring after the HJ collector died.

Kevin: I remember when me and Zak came up there last year and you and me were the only ones left to watch Scream Blacula Scream. We talked of jive turkeys and funky soul antics all through out the movie.

Andrea: Omg, the Troll 2 popcorn scene!

The Cap’n: Best. Sex. Scene. Ever.

The Happening:

Riannon: I wish I could say that my favorite moment from Horrorfests gone by was not a cruel, sadistic/masochistic (depending on who you ask, of course), and unnecessary viewing. But I’m a fucker, so that wish is dishonest. We all deceive ourselves at the unconscious level, though. Which is perhaps why someone—several people, rather--thought it was a really great idea to put The Happening into production.

Nathan: Ah, the modern crapsterpiece The Happening and everyone else's vitriolic reaction to it.

Riannon: It was only a week or so earlier that The Cap’n had arranged a special trip to the theatre to view what he hailed as THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE. Even in an age hip to hyberbole, this was a claim not to be ignored. Like moths to a flame, like whores to a Harley, like us to this movie, we fell in line and went to see Mark Wahlberg undo all the good that was I Heart Huckabees. The laughs issued from our bellies and even deeper, and we were, by those final scenes in the old shed--where the downsy leads reveal the true love you felt not even once, for a second, ever-- on the edge of giggling insanity. (Perhaps it was happening?) I just found this excerpt of a review: Joe Morgenstern of The Wall Street Journal said that the film was a "woeful clunker of a paranoid thriller" and highlighted its "befuddling infelicities, insistent banalities, shambling pace and pervasive ineptitude". Joe, you’ve wasted too much time looking for college words. Piece of shit.

Tom: (July 2008) I will unregrettably never see The Crappening by M Night Shit-on-my-lawn. While I could piecemeal together the entirety of the film from what I have been told, and while I could tell you unequivocally that no amount of pressuring or convincing me that I should see it because it might be the worst thing ever made and I may never have that chance again.

The Cap’n: After everybody came to see The Happening for our Field Trip movie, I brought them back to watch Plan 9 from Outer Space. Lucky Tom only caught the second part…

Tom: I have room enough for only one Worst Movie Ever Made. Once Plan 9 From Outer Space is wholly obliterated from the museum of human creation, I can safely see The Crappening. The two cannot feasibly or safely coexist in my existence, and to do so would be to unleash antimatter unto my soul, which would, of course, devastate the universe and create a black hole precisely where in the movie house (or Kinohaus) I sit.

Nathan: Tom was lucky. He didn’t see it – the first time...

Riannon: But Shamlasdidgyanana’s B movie was a great occasion to be amongst friends, friends that love to torture themselves in public as well as the comfort of their own homes. Yet, I never expected to have an opportunity to revisit the pain in such terribly, wretchedly close proximity to the first exposure. That’s where the Cap’n can get you—if it seems too much, too soon, he’s probably considered it.

Barrett: He tricked us, you know. The Cap’n made us go see it on the big screen and then made us watch it AGAIN the following October.

The Cap’n: That is true. Ain’t I a stinker?

Nathan: After making us watch The Paul Lynde Halloween Special.

Riannon: So then there we were, huddled in the viewing room waiting for Horrorfest’s secret surprise great times fun picture…and we were firmly punched in the asshole with the opening credits to The Happening. Fuck. We suffered well, the only way we knew how: by making as many interruptions, mocking to the best of our ability, by adding a bittersweet commentary track to the biggest budget snuff film ever—if you consider that we were watching the deaths of several Hollywood careers, and the drawn-out sacrifice of the dignity of human storytelling. Our laughter was a thin veil for pain, real pain, the kind that interrupts our comfortable 21^st century being with echoes of the ancient suffering that sent many off to war with the glad hope of being impaled by broadswords.

Liz: Has anybody mentioned how drunk Adam and Tom got during The Happening? And how Freddy’s Dead turned into on long DEEZ NUTZ joke?

Tom: I honestly don't remember much of the second half of The Happening, and for good reason. Dr Davis and I decided that there was a necessity in easing the torturous pain from the onslaught of rife overacting, plebeian and laughable storyline, and every imaginable absence of cohesion possible in a film by consuming a fair to middling amount of... of... well, I'll be damned if I knew what we were drinking.

Adam: DEEEEEEEEZ NUTZ!!!!

Tom: Who is the most captivating character in "Freddy's Dead: the Final Nightmare"? DEEEEEEZ NUTZZZZZ!!!!!

Barrett: If he ever shows [The Happening] again, I’m leaving.

To be continued tomorrow...

Summer Fest Day Two: End of night Recap

We really did talk about more guest blogging, I promise. Once again it's actually 6:15 in the morning and the sun is coming up.

Tonight we had the highest turnout in Summer Fest history and were left with "standing room only" for the second Prime Time Movie. Saturday night's Summer Fest flicks were:

Dead Heat - reviewed by Tominator earlier, despite his not being here or ever having seen it. It's the kind of movie that takes the premise of Dead & Buried and marries it with Lethal Weapon. Except with Joe Piscopo and Treat Williams, and guest appearances by Darren McGavin, Robert Picardo, and Vincent Price. I can't make this shit up. It's silly except for any joke made by Piscopo, who seemed on the verge of saying "knock knock" almost all the time.

The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VIII - with The Homega Man, the "fly" segment, and Easy Bake Coven. It seemed fitting to include Treehouse of Horror, as they've played during every Horror Fest to date. This was particularly amusing because it ran simultaneously with Cranpire playing Grand Theft Auto 3 on the other tv and pretty much just destroying cars over and over again in police chases.


C.H.U.D. - someone actually was scared by a C.H.U.D. in this movie, which may be the first time in recorded history that's happened. If I have to say more, then you clearly need to dust off your copy and watch it again. The film became the target of our running gag involving Daniel Stern's inability to do anything useful at all during the story, mostly because someone would ask him to "prove it". I guess you had to be here.

Night of the Lepus - we simply did not have enough room for everybody during Lepus, but damned if it wasn't a blast and a half. Imagine, if you will, six sets of MST3K bots riffing nonstop on this "nature and science gone amok" monstrosity, with every possible rabbit joke or reference appearing, as well as the ability to build sets that look exactly like Lionel Train miniatures. Possibly as much fun as seeing The Happening on Thursday.

Fido - This strange slice of Romero meets Lassie was pretty popular with the folks who stuck around after Night of the Lepus. Not quite as campy as the films that preceded it, but definitely a good choice to follow killer rabbits.

Friday the 13th Part 2 - We started this around 4:45, after pretty much everyone left in some state of exhaustion. It was agreed that to stay up a film with "shock" scares or crazy action had to follow Fido, and it was between Friday the 13th part 2 and Tales from the Crypt Presents Demon Knight. We chose wisely, although sleep deprivation takes its toll even when you're trying hard to focus on bag-headed Jason and Amy Steel.

At this point, I need to pass out. The sun is on its way up and there's still one day left of Horror Fest. We've got a lot of ground left to cover, so hope to see you on the other side...