The “Who’s Who” of Horror Fest Memories:
The Cap’n: Fearless leader, host of Horror and Summer Fests, sadist.
Nathan: Horror aficionado, frequent attendee. Also sadist.
Andrea: Regular Horror Fest attendee, geek. Not particularly sadistic.
Adam: Nuclear Physicist / Engineer. Masochist.
Patrick: Video Store employee, has attended every Summerfest. Porn expert.
Riannon: Roller
Tom: A Doctor. Has attended every Horror and Summer Fest.
Neil: Comes for the torture. Stays for the movies.
Barrett: Reluctant mechanic. Enemy of the Cranpire.
Phillippi: Parent and Politico. Not a fan of Matango.
Liz: Culinary expert and Used Book seller. Loves Golden Girls.
Kai: Graduate Student. Afraid of C.H.U.D.s.
Kevin: First time visitor last fall. No fan of Jive Turkeys.
Random Memories and Movies:
Nathan: My best memories of Horror Fest(s): Revisiting old favorites (Chopping Mall, C.H.U.D., Night of the Lepus) with people who weren't as familiar with them and the beautiful commentary that came as a result of it.
Andrea:
The Cap’n: I really wish I could have recorded the commentary for Night of the Lepus [at Summer Fest 1]. It may never get better than that. We may have used every rabbit joke there is.
Nathan: Adam's various attempts at drinking Wild Irish Rose and the faces he made because of them.
Adam: Just remembering the taste gives me the feeling that someone is walking
over my grave.
Andrea: Also, the endlessly entertaining picture of Adam post-Budweiser with Clamato. 
Tom: There will always be Tripwire, which I eagerly anticipate downing yet again, just for auld lang syne.
Liz: Getting to see [Return to Horror High] was a life-changing moment. I think that film launched George Clooney into that bit part on Golden Girls.
The Cap’n: I’m forever grateful that Neil introduced us to the film Blood Car, a movie that took a year to get ahold of.
Tom: I remain convinced that Blood Car may be the unsung hero of low-budget horror-comedy. Perhaps, even, its Messiah, given that the subject matter - at once palatable as well as beyond-the-pale-inconceivable - propels the juggernaut forward. I would probably never have seen this flick were it not for SummerFest (and, reluctantly, Neil), nor would I have ever thought about the ludicrous - yet in our era of living beyond peak oil - moral and ethical ramifications of using living beings to power the world in which we live. As over-the-top as the story is, and as painful and occasionally gruesome as it is (puppy hunting, anyone?), it stands to reason that Blood Car fits our times and delivers a message (that presumably few will see) we need. When I saw this at SummerFest, my then girlfriend and I ruminated over the film and bonded even more over it. We would break out laughing when we encountered wheat grass or a bag of chips at the grocery store. Tofu became an awkward commodity. We balked at the idea of ever becoming that speciesist as a human race, but were kept in check when a gallon of gasoline was nearly one-half of an hour's work for me at the time.
Nathan: Blood Car! I need me a Blood Car.
Tom: As a kitten-loving vegetarian, I was alarmed at how loudly I was laughing at the slaughter of a disabled, triple-amputee vet for his luscious sanguinity.
The Cap’n: Oh, and there was The Giant Claw, which most people missed out on!
Neil: Trying to decide on a closing film for horror fest is serious business, so Nathan and I knew we were in for an experience when all of a sudden [the Cap’n] says, "alright sit down, we're watching Giant Claw." It's from the 50's, stars no one you've ever heard of, and it's called Giant Claw. Sounds incredi-awesome, right?
The Cap’n: Yes.
Neil: Ladies and gentlemen, by my count, I watched 13 movies, and all of them lived up to any preconceived expectations, but this one exceeded my wildest imaginations. For the first half hour, you never see the mysterious, out of focus threat plaguing the skies. (Whether out of suspense of lack of money is anyone's guess.) But nothing, and I mean nothing can prepare you for when it's finally revealed. Not even me spoiling it for you right now and telling you it's a giant antimatter space turkey.
Nathan: *combination of sighs and chuckling*
Neil: Yes, that's right, an giant antimatter space turkey, who boldly ignores the basic laws of particle physics and declares war on humanity, presumably out of boredom or the need to procreate light years away from whatever galaxy it flew from. (According to the trailer, it's also 17 million years old.) It also has googly-eyes.
Adam: I feel so bad for that bird.
The Cap’n: I feel bad that we watched The Ruins.
Neil: I don't remember much about The Ruins because I was distracted by Adam's running commentary, which should tell you all you need to know about how interesting a movie it is.
Adam: I really stopped caring after the HJ collector died.
Kevin: I remember when me and Zak came up there last year and you and me were the only ones left to watch Scream Blacula Scream. We talked of jive turkeys and funky soul antics all through out the movie.
Andrea: Omg, the Troll 2 popcorn scene!
The Cap’n: Best. Sex. Scene. Ever.
The Happening:
Riannon: I wish I could say that my favorite moment from Horrorfests gone by was not a cruel, sadistic/masochistic (depending on who you ask, of course), and unnecessary viewing. But I’m a fucker, so that wish is dishonest. We all deceive ourselves at the unconscious level, though. Which is perhaps why someone—several people, rather--thought it was a really great idea to put The Happening into production.
Nathan: Ah, the modern crapsterpiece The Happening and everyone else's vitriolic reaction to it.
Riannon: It was only a week or so earlier that The Cap’n had arranged a special trip to the theatre to view what he hailed as THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE. Even in an age hip to hyberbole, this was a claim not to be ignored. Like moths to a flame, like whores to a Harley, like us to this movie, we fell in line and went to see Mark Wahlberg undo all the good that was I Heart Huckabees. The laughs issued from our bellies and even deeper, and we were, by those final scenes in the old shed--where the downsy leads reveal the true love you felt not even once, for a second, ever-- on the edge of giggling insanity. (Perhaps it was happening?) I just found this excerpt of a review: Joe Morgenstern of The Wall Street Journal said that the film was a "woeful clunker of a paranoid thriller" and highlighted its "befuddling infelicities, insistent banalities, shambling pace and pervasive ineptitude". Joe, you’ve wasted too much time looking for college words. Piece of shit.
Tom: (July 2008) I will unregrettably never see The Crappening by M Night Shit-on-my-lawn. While I could piecemeal together the entirety of the film from what I have been told, and while I could tell you unequivocally that no amount of pressuring or convincing me that I should see it because it might be the worst thing ever made and I may never have that chance again.
The Cap’n: After everybody came to see The Happening for our Field Trip movie, I brought them back to watch Plan 9 from Outer Space. Lucky Tom only caught the second part…
Tom: I have room enough for only one Worst Movie Ever Made. Once Plan 9 From Outer Space is wholly obliterated from the museum of human creation, I can safely see The Crappening. The two cannot feasibly or safely coexist in my existence, and to do so would be to unleash antimatter unto my soul, which would, of course, devastate the universe and create a black hole precisely where in the movie house (or Kinohaus) I sit.
Nathan: Tom was lucky. He didn’t see it – the first time...
Riannon: But Shamlasdidgyanana’s B movie was a great occasion to be amongst friends, friends that love to torture themselves in public as well as the comfort of their own homes. Yet, I never expected to have an opportunity to revisit the pain in such terribly, wretchedly close proximity to the first exposure. That’s where the Cap’n can get you—if it seems too much, too soon, he’s probably considered it.
Barrett: He tricked us, you know. The Cap’n made us go see it on the big screen and then made us watch it AGAIN the following October.
The Cap’n: That is true. Ain’t I a stinker?
Nathan: After making us watch The Paul Lynde Halloween Special.
Riannon: So then there we were, huddled in the viewing room waiting for Horrorfest’s secret surprise great times fun picture…and we were firmly punched in the asshole with the opening credits to The Happening. Fuck. We suffered well, the only way we knew how: by making as many interruptions, mocking to the best of our ability, by adding a bittersweet commentary track to the biggest budget snuff film ever—if you consider that we were watching the deaths of several Hollywood careers, and the drawn-out sacrifice of the dignity of human storytelling. Our laughter was a thin veil for pain, real pain, the kind that interrupts our comfortable 21st century being with echoes of the ancient suffering that sent many off to war with the glad hope of being impaled by broadswords.
Liz: Has anybody mentioned how drunk Adam and Tom got during The Happening? And how Freddy’s Dead turned into on long DEEZ NUTZ joke?
Tom: I honestly don't remember much of the second half of The Happening, and for good reason. Dr Davis and I decided that there was a necessity in easing the torturous pain from the onslaught of rife overacting, plebeian and laughable storyline, and every imaginable absence of cohesion possible in a film by consuming a fair to middling amount of... of... well, I'll be damned if I knew what we were drinking.
Adam: DEEEEEEEEZ NUTZ!!!!
Tom: Who is the most captivating character in "Freddy's Dead: the Final Nightmare"? DEEEEEEZ NUTZZZZZ!!!!!
To be continued tomorrow...
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DEEEEZ NUTTTTZZZZZ
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