Those six-month layovers from Taco Bell really can make a person forget just how much it sucks to eat there. When a whim turns into a three hour replay of Grendel cursing God, you should stay away from that fast food joint forever. Someone please remind me of this in six months. I will be eternally grateful.
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Somewhere between losing count of the number of people brutally murdered in five minutes and laughing because it's the only way to process that much carnage, I knew Punisher: War Zone was something special. I'm not exaggerating when I say that the Punisher kills more people than he utters lines of dialogue (or even words).
This is not spoiling the movie. I need to stress that. In the first fifteen minutes of the movie, without saying a word, the Punisher:
1. Cuts a man's head off with one slice of a knife.
2. Takes the same knife and slits at least three throats
3. Drives the same knife into someone's skull (ala the end of The Chronicles of Riddick)
4. Pulls the knife back out and throws it at someone.
5. Begins shooting people at a rate you can't keep up with.
6. Hangs upside down from a chandelier and fires two machine guns indiscriminately.
7. Rams a chair leg through someone's eye.
8. Blows someone's leg off with a 9mm pistol.
9. Kills some guy with a mini-crossbow
10. Grinds up some dude in a vat(?) of broken glass.
I never thought I'd call a movie excessively violent, but Punisher: War Zone goes above and beyond the call of duty. At a certain point you have to laugh, so overwhelmed by the wanton destruction of everything. Imagine if you took the extreme violence of Dolph Lundgren's Punisher and made it enjoyable on some sick level.
That's Punisher: War Zone. A movie that explains away no police responding to gunfire by having a detective say
"I called in to tell the city a construction crew would be using dynamite all night."
Ladies and gentlemen, this movie was pulled from 99% of theatres after one week not because of poor box office numbers but because American couldn't handle this movie. They were not and may never be able to handle this movie. It takes the gratuitous brutality of early Schwarzenegger action films and removes all of the puns. Faced with such unencumbered gore, your only choice is to laugh for 103 minutes.
Punisher: War Zone is a very special film. A film I suspect many of you may be watching in the coming weeks.
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Speaking of which, I have some very good news.
Mac and Me is on dvd.
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I'm going to close out with this trailer for a movie that may or may not exist. Okay, it doesn't exist. The "Funny or Die" component to the embedding pretty much gives that away.
So disregard the idiot who keeps talking about his junk and wait for Christopher Lloyd. That's why this is worth sharing.
Good night, and never eat Taco Bell. You're better off letting the Punisher punch your face in. Or blowing it clean off with a shotgun. You'll see.
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