Blogorium Review: Machete

This summer, I worried about Predators. I anticipated Inception. I decided to "wait and see" about The Expendables. I mostly didn't think about The Other Guys. I hoped Piranha 3-D would back up Aja's boasts of "gore and nudity". I politely tried to ignore Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. But there was one movie that I gave no second thought to, no pause: Machete. After Robert Rodriguez slapped that faux-trailer at the beginning of Grindhouse, there was no question that if it ever came to fruition, Machete would be pure exploitation through and through.

And folks, Rodriguez and co-director Ethan Maniquis deliver all the gore, guts, gratudity, and irreverence that the trailer promises, and then some. If you're not interested in seeing a movie where Danny Trejo uses a guy's intestines to swing from one floor of a hospital to another, then Machete isn't going to be your cup of tea. That's really the tip of the iceberg, too: expect numerous decapitations, Cheech Marin being crucified, Michelle Rodriguez losing an eye, threesomes, telephones hidden in vaginas, seppuku, defenstrations, electrocutions, and Lindsay Lohan.

Despite anything you were expecting, Machete does actually have a plot. In fact, it has several: Federale Machete (Danny Trejo) is trying to take down Mexican Drug Lord Torrez (Steven Seagal, doing the worst Mexican accent imaginable, until he drops it mid-movie), when he's betrayed by his chief. Torrez kills Machete's family and leaves him for dead. Three years later, on the other side of the Texas / Mexico border, Immigration Agent Sartana (Jessica Alba) is keeping an eye on illegals that formed the Network, led by Luz (Michelle Rodriguez) out of her taco stand. Meanwhile, a vigilante border patrol led by Lt. Stillman (Don Johnson) is hunting down and shooting anyone who crosses illegally, with the approval of Senator James McLaughlin (Robert DeNiro), who is running for re-election.

Following me so far? Okay, so Machete resurfaces in Texas as a day-laborer and is hired by Booth (Jeff Fahey) to assassinate Senator McLaughlin, but it turns out to be a trick since Booth is McLaughlin's campaign manager (none of this is spoiling anything since all of this set-up is in the trailer). Machete turns to his brother, a Padre (Cheech Marin) for help, and also seduces Booth's wife June (Alicia Marek) and Meth-head daughter April (Lindsay Lohan). Booth sends his sniper (Shea Washington) and bounty hunter Osiris Ampanpour (Tom Savini) after Machete while trying to maintain a massive conspiracy to re-elect McLaughlin so he'll build a border fence that only Torrez can smuggle drugs through. Sartana and Luz try to keep Machete alive while he seeks vengeance against Booth, McLaughlin, and Torrez, who he doesn't realize are connected (at first).

Still with me? That gets us to the halfway point of Machete and doesn't properly cover the less than subtle immigration subtext in the film, how the Crazy Babysitter Twins from Planet Terror figure into the film, or Booth's henchmen, or the reporter from Exactamundo Television, or the day-laborer army that the Network brings together to help Machete (including Spy Kids and World's Greatest Dad alum Daryl Sabara) or any other subplots that may involve Lindsay Lohan shooting people while dressed as a nun.

That the plot doesn't necessarily resolve itself should surprise no one, but there's plenty of mayhem and insanity to keep you occupied. At the center of it is Danny Trejo, who makes even the most implausible moments seem possible with his squinty-eyed, "I don't give a shit" attitude and genuine bad-ass presence. Jeff Fahey is on the opposite side as a sleazy, perverted politico willing to do anything to make money with a morally dubious boss (an over-the-top Robert DeNiro). Cheech Marin has fun as the confession taping, pot smoking Padre that wields dual shotguns, and somehow avoids his Nash Bridges co-star Don Johnson for the entire film.

Johnson and Savini are pure moustache twirling villains that chew up every scene they're in. Michelle Rodriguez acquaints herself to the film better than Jessica Alba does, but only because Alba seems so silly trying to rally Machete's army or fighting a Luchadore Hitman. And then there's Steven Seagal, who plays, well, Steven Seagal as a Mexican Druglord. I'm not kidding when I say he gives up on his terrible Mexican accent about halfway through the film, and I love his death scene, which may be the most ridiculous thing in an already over-the-top movie. Oh, and I guess there's Lindsay Lohan, who spends most of the movie naked but strategically placed in such a way that she's not really naked, unlike Alicia Marek, who spends most of the movie entirely naked. Just like Myra Leal, who is credited as Chica (Naked Girl) on IMDB.

I'm reasonably certain that most of the trailer was actually integrated into Machete, save for a handful of changes in the story between 2007 and 2010. As it is, Machete is a wildly offensive movie to just about all types, but what did you really expect from the trailer? Remember, this is the same Machete where the line "they just fucked with the wrong Mexican" is only slightly changed to incorporate the voiceover into actual dialogue. Machete is pure exploitation, and if it's not as knowingly goofy as Planet Terror, it's because of the earnest (if ridiculously delivered) anti-anti-immigration message. Plus, the film ends promising not one, but two sequels: Machete Kills and Machete Kills Again.

So needless to say that seeing Machete won't necessarily enrich your life or increase your standing among film snobs; I doubt that's going to linger in the minds of groups that go to see this wanton display of violence, nudity, gore, and hammy acting. Even if you try to give this a serious walk-through of intertextuality or critical analysis, you do so trying not to admit that you enjoyed a movie that promised nothing more than exploitation and delivered accordingly.