Middlesex, Virginia. 1988.
Donnie Darko was killed when a jet
engine fell from the sky and crushed him while
he was sleeping. The government never located
the plane from which the engine fell, nor did
they even admit the incident ever occurred.
But that was just the beginning of
the tragedy... and the mystery.
Now, 7 years later, Donnie's
youngest sister, Samantha, seemingly alone
and lost in the world, has run away from a
home shattered by the death of her brother.
Drowning in sadness and unable to dream,
she has drifted deeper and deeper into the
darkness of her sleep. And when darkness
consumes the starlight, nightmares
rule the night...
That's how s. Darko begins, and it doesn't get any better.
No one should ever have to subject themselves to this pale imitation of Donnie Darko, so I hope that anyone reading this now or those of you who find this in the future understand that when I say the Cap'n saw this So You Won't Have To, he means it.
I'm going to say *Spoilers ahead*, only as a formality. Since I hope none of you see this, consider this my doing you a favor.
Allow me to alleviate possible curiosities about this wholly unnecessary sequel. Just as I could barely bring myself to watch the whole thing, I can't honestly write a full review. I will try to give you some bullet points of the reasons why seeing this is a waste of anyone's time:
- As the scroll suggests, the movie takes place in 1995. To make sure we understand this, the OJ Simpson trial is playing on a tv early in the film and a George Foreman Grill ad is the backdrop for a stupid "dream" sequence involving one of the film's many non sequiturs, and we get a lot of bad 90's music, including "Hobo Humping Slobo Babe" (which if you remember it at all is because of Beavis and Butthead)
- Speaking of "dream" imagery, since the scroll indicates that Samantha Darko can't dream, why does she see a unicorn dancing in the clouds near the beginning of the movie, and how can she pluck a feather from the tv screen?
- The movie is loaded with terrible sequences designed to remind of of Donnie Darko, not limited to but including the speed ramp party sequence, the movie theatre scene, the countdown, dreams, and the time arrows, all of which are appropriated poorly or are completely misused (especially the time arrows). There's not one but two montages designed to make you think of the "Mad World" sequence in Donnie Darko, and neither of them are successful.
- Speaking of the movie theatre, the "clever" double feature this time is Twelve Monkeys and Strange Days. Get it? One involves time travel and the other one... well, it came out in 1995.
- All of the actors remind you of other actors, often not in a good way. There's a Jake Gyllenhall look-alike (playing a character named Iraq Jack), a Joaquim Phoenix circa 1995 look-alike, a Brandon Routh look-alike, a Cary Elwes look-alike, and an Elizabeth Berkley look-oh. No, sorry, that IS Elizabeth Berkley. Yikes.
- Most of the characters are superfluous to the story (at best). Many of them simply exist because the chain of events would be even less tenable if there wasn't someone to stand there and stare blankly. Even Iraq Jack, who should theoretically be the "Donnie" role (more on that in a second), is ancillary because the film is obsessed with the pointless arc of Samantha Darko. Darko's friend Corey is even pointless in the movie for a reason I'll get to very shortly.
- Oh, Iraq Jack is Roberta Sparrow's grandson, and yes that means if you ignore that his real name is Justin, his name is Iraq Jack Sparrow. (I wonder what his rank was...) He builds a Frank the Bunny mask that stretches the usefulness of causality in the film.
- I really need to address how poorly conceived the time travel element is in s. Darko. The way that the film sets up incidents which lead from Iraq Jack not dying in the tangent universe to Samantha's death during the meteor storm stretch logic to the breaking point. There's no reason for "zombie" Samantha (the manipulated dead, ala Frank in Donnie Darko) to force Iraq Jack to make the Frank mask just so living Samantha can fall on it and die.
In fact, if I understand the movie correctly, Jack dies in order to prevent an alien from taking over the body of one character (yes, that's what happens) but in the final montage it's clear the alien takes over another character's body instead, so all of this was pointless anyway. But it gets better!
Before any of the "manipulated dead" causality really kicks in during the story, Samantha is KILLED by the Joaquim Phoenix look-alike "bad boy" character when her car comes out of another universe and hits both Samantha and his car. In order to keep this from happening, another "manipulated dead" character that ultimately serves no purpose to the story talks Samantha's friend Corey into traded places with her in the past and dying instead.
That's right. There's a ten minute section of the film that serves no purpose except to change which character dies halfway into the movie, and it doesn't matter because both of them come back when Jack dies. Time travel within a time travel structure and it has no bearing on the story whatsoever. Nice job, s. Darko.
- Because Samantha is co-existing as herself in the present and as the "manipulated dead" showing Jack why he needs to die, the "Frank" voice is still in effect, even though it's just Daveigh Chase in "zombie" makeup. Not only does it look silly when you can see her lips moving, but all of the dream sequences involving Samantha utilize the same herky-jerky motion that films like Th13teen Ghosts do. That just makes them look foolish. Instead of being mysterious, the dreams are now leaden and embarassing, especially when the "time arrows" (those Abyss-like water phalluses) are pointing people in the same direction that Samantha tells them to go.
- I don't even know how to start on the really awful parallels drawn between the Church and Patrick Swayze's character from Donnie Darko. It's handled so badly (including the "burn it down" sequence) that it's hard to believe anyone thought this would work, and the vague suggestion that Trudy (the Elizabeth Berkley character) and uh, the Cary Elwes looking dude were kidnapping children just to keep them from "spoiling" and yet the Elwes preacher guy is also a rapist...
You know what? I give up. This is not an issue of "not understanding" the movie because believe me, there's nothing to "get." s. Darko unnecessarily convolutes itself in order to convince you the arbitrary plot points are "deeper" than they actually are. The end result is a movie that never needed to exist and was a waste not only of the time it took to watch it, but also of the time I spent explaining why you never need to see it.
Thankfully, many of you will stay away from this movie on principle, but for any of you that thought "well how the hell did they make that sequel?"; now you know, and hopefully I made it abundantly clear what a waste of space it occupies in the pantheon of cinema. Thanks for nothing, s. Darko. Now go back in the past and kindly undo yourself.
Donnie Darko was killed when a jet
engine fell from the sky and crushed him while
he was sleeping. The government never located
the plane from which the engine fell, nor did
they even admit the incident ever occurred.
But that was just the beginning of
the tragedy... and the mystery.
Now, 7 years later, Donnie's
youngest sister, Samantha, seemingly alone
and lost in the world, has run away from a
home shattered by the death of her brother.
Drowning in sadness and unable to dream,
she has drifted deeper and deeper into the
darkness of her sleep. And when darkness
consumes the starlight, nightmares
rule the night...
That's how s. Darko begins, and it doesn't get any better.
No one should ever have to subject themselves to this pale imitation of Donnie Darko, so I hope that anyone reading this now or those of you who find this in the future understand that when I say the Cap'n saw this So You Won't Have To, he means it.
I'm going to say *Spoilers ahead*, only as a formality. Since I hope none of you see this, consider this my doing you a favor.
Allow me to alleviate possible curiosities about this wholly unnecessary sequel. Just as I could barely bring myself to watch the whole thing, I can't honestly write a full review. I will try to give you some bullet points of the reasons why seeing this is a waste of anyone's time:
- As the scroll suggests, the movie takes place in 1995. To make sure we understand this, the OJ Simpson trial is playing on a tv early in the film and a George Foreman Grill ad is the backdrop for a stupid "dream" sequence involving one of the film's many non sequiturs, and we get a lot of bad 90's music, including "Hobo Humping Slobo Babe" (which if you remember it at all is because of Beavis and Butthead)
- Speaking of "dream" imagery, since the scroll indicates that Samantha Darko can't dream, why does she see a unicorn dancing in the clouds near the beginning of the movie, and how can she pluck a feather from the tv screen?
- The movie is loaded with terrible sequences designed to remind of of Donnie Darko, not limited to but including the speed ramp party sequence, the movie theatre scene, the countdown, dreams, and the time arrows, all of which are appropriated poorly or are completely misused (especially the time arrows). There's not one but two montages designed to make you think of the "Mad World" sequence in Donnie Darko, and neither of them are successful.
- Speaking of the movie theatre, the "clever" double feature this time is Twelve Monkeys and Strange Days. Get it? One involves time travel and the other one... well, it came out in 1995.
- All of the actors remind you of other actors, often not in a good way. There's a Jake Gyllenhall look-alike (playing a character named Iraq Jack), a Joaquim Phoenix circa 1995 look-alike, a Brandon Routh look-alike, a Cary Elwes look-alike, and an Elizabeth Berkley look-oh. No, sorry, that IS Elizabeth Berkley. Yikes.
- Most of the characters are superfluous to the story (at best). Many of them simply exist because the chain of events would be even less tenable if there wasn't someone to stand there and stare blankly. Even Iraq Jack, who should theoretically be the "Donnie" role (more on that in a second), is ancillary because the film is obsessed with the pointless arc of Samantha Darko. Darko's friend Corey is even pointless in the movie for a reason I'll get to very shortly.
- Oh, Iraq Jack is Roberta Sparrow's grandson, and yes that means if you ignore that his real name is Justin, his name is Iraq Jack Sparrow. (I wonder what his rank was...) He builds a Frank the Bunny mask that stretches the usefulness of causality in the film.
- I really need to address how poorly conceived the time travel element is in s. Darko. The way that the film sets up incidents which lead from Iraq Jack not dying in the tangent universe to Samantha's death during the meteor storm stretch logic to the breaking point. There's no reason for "zombie" Samantha (the manipulated dead, ala Frank in Donnie Darko) to force Iraq Jack to make the Frank mask just so living Samantha can fall on it and die.
In fact, if I understand the movie correctly, Jack dies in order to prevent an alien from taking over the body of one character (yes, that's what happens) but in the final montage it's clear the alien takes over another character's body instead, so all of this was pointless anyway. But it gets better!
Before any of the "manipulated dead" causality really kicks in during the story, Samantha is KILLED by the Joaquim Phoenix look-alike "bad boy" character when her car comes out of another universe and hits both Samantha and his car. In order to keep this from happening, another "manipulated dead" character that ultimately serves no purpose to the story talks Samantha's friend Corey into traded places with her in the past and dying instead.
That's right. There's a ten minute section of the film that serves no purpose except to change which character dies halfway into the movie, and it doesn't matter because both of them come back when Jack dies. Time travel within a time travel structure and it has no bearing on the story whatsoever. Nice job, s. Darko.
- Because Samantha is co-existing as herself in the present and as the "manipulated dead" showing Jack why he needs to die, the "Frank" voice is still in effect, even though it's just Daveigh Chase in "zombie" makeup. Not only does it look silly when you can see her lips moving, but all of the dream sequences involving Samantha utilize the same herky-jerky motion that films like Th13teen Ghosts do. That just makes them look foolish. Instead of being mysterious, the dreams are now leaden and embarassing, especially when the "time arrows" (those Abyss-like water phalluses) are pointing people in the same direction that Samantha tells them to go.
- I don't even know how to start on the really awful parallels drawn between the Church and Patrick Swayze's character from Donnie Darko. It's handled so badly (including the "burn it down" sequence) that it's hard to believe anyone thought this would work, and the vague suggestion that Trudy (the Elizabeth Berkley character) and uh, the Cary Elwes looking dude were kidnapping children just to keep them from "spoiling" and yet the Elwes preacher guy is also a rapist...
You know what? I give up. This is not an issue of "not understanding" the movie because believe me, there's nothing to "get." s. Darko unnecessarily convolutes itself in order to convince you the arbitrary plot points are "deeper" than they actually are. The end result is a movie that never needed to exist and was a waste not only of the time it took to watch it, but also of the time I spent explaining why you never need to see it.
Thankfully, many of you will stay away from this movie on principle, but for any of you that thought "well how the hell did they make that sequel?"; now you know, and hopefully I made it abundantly clear what a waste of space it occupies in the pantheon of cinema. Thanks for nothing, s. Darko. Now go back in the past and kindly undo yourself.
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