Make no mistake; this movie is just as bad as you'd think it would be, but it's also something else. Something very important: it's consistently entertaining for all 85 minutes you'll spend with it. Despite the fact that almost no one can deliver a line reading well (particularly the star - former WWE Superstar Rob Van Dam), music that is inappropriately mixed in action scenes, and a painfully low budget that diminishes the scope almost immediately, I enjoyed the hell out of this movie.
I knew that things were off to a good start right away, when the standard "crook catches the snitch and kills him" scene came out awkward in just about every way. The villain delivered his lines like he'd just finally memorized them, the snitch probably hadn't gotten that far, and the "abandoned pier" where he's maybe loosely tied to a cinder block was in full view of just about everyone. But just when you think this is gonna be just crappy, the credits start.
The opening credits to Wrong Side of Town are a knock off of James Bond title screens, complete with its own song, and there's something audacious about starting a film this cheap by drawing comparisons to 007. But it works. It's hard to miss that DeFalco and company were trying to make a movie that, while shamelessly ripping off Commando and After Hours, is trying to be a big time action movie.
Speaking of shamelessly ripping off Commando, the post-Bond sequence is a full of lifts designed to remind you of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Alyssa Milano joking around, but Rob Van Dam cannot deliver a line to save his life. Considering how much more natural he behaves in the interview extras, I have no idea how he came to this decision, other than maybe not smoking pot, which is what he's known for outside of wrestling and kind-of looking like Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Normally I'd give him a harder time, but you can tell that RVD is trying really hard and taking this movie seriously in order for it to not suck. In fact, everybody is. They're so convinced they aren't in a low rent DTV action film that can't even afford to get it's co-star wet that you start believing it too, because that "let's put on a show" attitude gets you past the amateurishness of it all.
Okay, let me give you an example. I'd argue that the best acting in the entire film takes place in a scene between Ja Rule and WWE Superstar Dave Bautista (otherwise known as Batista- I know, it's confusing), and Ja Rule is not the superior thespian here. To give you some idea of his normal work, check this out:
Considering that this is (I'm pretty sure) Bautista's first movie, I'm not surprised that the fact that's he's on the front of the dvd cover, even though Big "BR" Ronnie doesn't show up until halfway into the movie and then appears and disappears for the rest of Wrong Side of Town. He's actually pretty charismatic, has great line delivery, and is funnier than any of the other jokes in the film.
(additionally, Ja Rule is also barely in the film, just like Omarion and Stormy Daniels. Of course, neither one of them is on the cover of the dvd. Rob Van Dam is the guy behind Batista that isn't Ja Rule, by the way)
Not that I'm really bagging on the film, mind you. The villain (Seth), is played by Jerry Katz, who you might know from... well, nothing. I checked.
Anyway, Seth is some kind of crime boss that owns a club so exclusive that maybe eight people are trying to get in. It must not need to advertise, because it didn't look very busy inside, either.
His brother / son (oh no! ripping off Chinatown too???) is a coke head loser that tries to rape(?!) Bobby Kalinowski (RVD)'s wife, and ends up stabbing himself when Bobby sorta trips him in self defense. Anyway, Bobby, his wife (Lara Grice), and their new next-door neighbors (Edrick Browne and Ava Santana) are interviewed by a crooked Detective (Louis Herthum) that works for Seth, but because he's "a crooked cop who's suddenly developed a conscience" (as Seth says three times in the movie), he lets them go.
Rather than go home, the suburbanites from the Right Side of Town for some reason decide to run afoul of every crime gang trying to get the $100,000 bounty on Bobby and stay down town (the "wrong" side). What I like about the absurdity of Bobby refusing to leave (to the point that when they all could go home, he insists on staying) is that they find some clever (albeit goofy) ways for him to avoid being killed:
1. Bobby lies to some thugs about why there's a bounty on him, promising them that he has a sock full of diamonds he'll be happy to give them. (What he really has is a sock full of pain, and by pain I mean his kicks).
2. He avoids being beaten within an inch of his life by getting into a gasoline fight (I trust we've all seen Zoolander) at a Gas Station ambush.
3. It turns out that Bobby is Special Forces, which he demonstrates by showing a "Special Forces" card he's been keeping in his back pocket (not in his wallet, just his pocket) and until halfway into the movie has neglected to ever mention or even hint at.
So Bobby finally sends everyone else home and goes to Big Ronnie's strip club (actually just a bar) and tries to cash in on a "favor" that BR owes him from their time doing, uh, special forces stuff. And Big Ronnie says no, but not because of some macho crap. Oh no, he's mad because Bobby never invited him over for dinner and doesn't want to hang out any more. See, Bobby moved to the "right" side of town and doesn't have time for his friend, which is admittedly a dick move.
After we see Bobby remove a bullet from his shoulder (in his own bathroom. See, eventually he went home), he finds his wife tied up and duct-taped and his daughter kidnapped. This is where the "abandoned pier" comes in, because that's exactly how his wife describes it, "They said to meet at the abandoned pier." I think Vern covered this pretty well in his review, so I won't dig into the peculiar nature of what makes a pier "abandoned."
I won't spoil the last seven minutes for you, but needless to say there's some more action. Maybe Big Ronnie changes his mind, maybe not. I can't remember. I had too much fun with Wrong Side of Town to really let it simmer in the brain too much. It's just the right combination of good intentions with bad execution to keep you chuckling for its brief running time. Admittedly, I'd only say to rent this, but it's a strong Rent recommendation.
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