2010 Year End Recap, Part Two

An important note from the Cap'n: While every review available is included as a link, the placement of the film on these "year end" lists may not appear to reflect the review. As time passes, I have the opportunity to reconsider films, revisit initial reactions, and every now and then, change the way I feel about movies.

Let's continue not with the top, but the bottom. Originally, I thought there would only be one or two truly awful films I saw in 2010, but revisiting this year's reviews, that was not to be the case. If Tron Legacy was the last movie I could (weakly) say I didn't hate, then just imagine how bad the following ten films are. When the Cap'n says "NEVER AGAIN," I hope you grasp the magnitude of the cinematic dreck that follows.

Whenever possible, I have included links to the original reviews, indicated with an asterisk (*) films that technically had screenings in 2009, and expanded on why I will do my best never to watch these films again.

Alice in Wonderland - Tron Legacy barely got a pass for its visual palette, but the Tim Burton Players Present Alice's Adventures in Narnia doesn't. Not only is this not reminiscent of Lewis Carroll's Alice novels, but the sense of whimsy one might hope from Tim Burton is replaced with a dour, joyless adventure story about slaying the drag- er, Jabberwocky. The dirty trick I played with this review in April is better than anything you'll find in this inexplicably popular film.

The Wolfman - That's right: I say in the review "neither loves nor hates," but I'm also never going to watch the movie again.

The Descent Part 2 - What a difference watching this movie with a like-minded audience can make. When I first watched The Descent Part 2 - a wholly unnecessary sequel - the fact that it was marginally coherent and pretty gory was enough for the Cap'n. The second time (at Summer Fest III) we slogged through the bad writing, awful lighting, rotten acting was only partially redeemed by the gore. And the gore is pretty good; The Descent Part 2 was not, and twice is enough.

Faster - Again, it has a "So You Won't Have To" tag on it. Faster billed itself as a stripped-down revenge film, then delivered anything but.

From here on out, things get rather vitriolic.

Nightmares in Red, White, and Blue: The Evolution of the American Horror Film* - This was a late addition to the list, which is why there's no review. Also, the documentary doesn't deserve one: Nightmares in Red, White, and Blue is a freshman level analysis of horror films through a sociological lens, often coming to erroneous (or ridiculous) assertions about changes in the genre over the 20th century. My personal favorite? How about comparing Leatherface in the Texas Chain Saw Massacre remake to Osama Bin Laden, based on the specious logic that he can "disappear and reappear on a whim, keeping us in a constant state of terror," which describes almost every horror boogeyman, including all of the ones that existed before Osama Bin Laden declared war on America. The grossest offense this documentary makes is to copy the structure of David Skal's The Monster Show, which does a much better job laying out the case that horror films reflect social movements.

Survival of the Dead* - I should have learned my lesson with the terrible Diary of the Dead, but curiosity (and positive reviews) got the better of me, and I went back to the George well. Not the George Lucas well, which gets the lion's share of complaints, but George A. Romero hasn't made a film that's remotely watchable for the last five years, and he's been working exclusively in his beloved "living dead" territory. If Diary's insulting, obvious narration wasn't bad enough, Survival's wafer thin characters and idiotic "Irish Cowboy" feud plot bored me to no end. For people who complain about Land of the Dead, I can't imagine how you found this drivel watchable.

Kick-Ass - Okay, so while I don't love Scott Pilgrim, I at least understand why people might. Fan favorite Kick-Ass fails to deliver on ANY level, from its "superheroes in real life" premise to its obnoxious protagonist or the totally pointless Hit Girl. Matthew Vaughn kills the only remotely interesting character, Nicolas Cage's Big Daddy, and ensured that not only would I ever watch his film again, but I'm definitely going to see Kick-Ass 2.

Cop Out - There are only three films I've never finished: Horror of the Blood Monsters, Neil LaBute's remake of The Wicker Man, and Cop Out. You can, therefore, only imagine how insufferable, unfunny, and ineptly constructed Cop Out must be that despite the presence of Bruce Willis, Tracy Morgan, Sean William Scott, Jason Lee, Michelle Trachtenberg, Guillermo Diaz, and Kevin Pollak, I couldn't bear to sit through more than thirty minutes. The best I could muster for this skid mark on the underwear of Buddy Cop Comedies was a brief footnote at the end of The Other Guys.

A Nightmare on Elm Street - I shouldn't even have to tell you how much I hated this soulless, money-grubbing waste of ninety minutes. Every possible positive is squandered, including seemingly novel ideas like "micro naps" and the suggestion that Fred Krueger might be innocent, are squandered in order for cheap scares that aren't scary. That two of my favorite movies of 2010 feature the "stars" of this wretched film - Rooney Mara and Jackie Earle Haley - saddens me further. I always swear off of Platinum Dunes films, and I really should have learned my lesson after Shit Coffin, but if that title is appropriate for their Friday the 13th molestation, Shit Coffin 2 doesn't properly prepare audiences for what they do to Freddy Krueger.

And yet, A Nightmare on Elm Street is not the worst movie I saw in 2010. That honor goes to:

Resident Evil: Afterlife (in 3-D) - I'm not going to spit more bile at this worthless, lifeless, pointless sequel. Instead, I genuinely want for someone to explain to me how, in any way, the fourth Resident Evil film, the return of Paul "What Script?" Anderson to the director's chair, is good? Even the moderate pans of Resident Evil: Afterlife on Blu-Ray claim the film is still watchable. How? Even better, I'd like one of the vocal fans of this movie, the people who bragged its opening weekend silenced the "haterz," to walk me through how, in any way, this film doesn't fail at every single thing it tries, from the 3-D to the action to the impenetrable story. Make your case, please. People want to give this movie a pass, even when they hated it, and this movie does not deserve it. Never Again.


Tomorrow, we'll look on the bright side of life, and I'll discuss my favorite films of 2010. See you then.