Four Reasons the Cap'n neither loves nor hates The Wolfman

Gang, here's the thing about Joe Johnston's The Wolfman; it's a mess. Not an unwatchable mess, but not exactly an enjoyable mess either. It just kind of "is," which may actually be worse. There's not a lot to recommend here, and at the same time I just can't bring myself to slap a "So You Won't Have To" on the movie. I'm not even positive I'd call it an "unnecessary remake," despite my fondness for the Lon Chaney Jr. version. Adam has pointed out to me that for a movie called "The WOLF MAN," that it's just the right kind of stupid, and he's gone so far as to say it "rules!"

Okay, I can understand that to a point (and we'll get to that in sections 2 and 3), but the Unrated Cut I watched apparently put the focus back on character beats - particularly giving the audience a better grasp of Lawrence Talbot in the beginning of the film - and unfortunately that diminishes what little cheap thrills are to be had by the goofy third act. By trying to restore some of the psychological drama to the film (and doing so awkwardly, as you'll see in point 1), the rest of the movie sticks out like a sore thumb, not to mention that the haphazard way the "Unrated" footage is reinserted creates plot holes.

For example, the extended cut (which runs an extra sixteen minutes) brings Gwen Conliffe (Emily Blunt) to London in order to personally appeal to Lawrence Talbot (Benicio Del Toro) after his brother - and her fiance's - disappearance. I know this wasn't the case in the theatrical cut because the editor(s) left in a line here or there about how Talbot came back to Blackmoor because of "her letter." Yes, it's still in the movie. They didn't bother to fix that, so the Unrated cut has a slapped together quality that muddles an already unnecessarily messy narrative. I have no idea how the silver wolf's-head cane actually figured into the theatrical cut since the Max Von Sydow cameo that establishes how Lawrence is given cane is only in the Unrated version, but I digress.

Let's take a closer look at four points that simultaneously work for and against The Wolfman.

1. The Wolfman is not successful trying to appeal to the intellectual and the gorehound - The screenplay by Andrew Kevin Walker and David Self is all over the map. At times, The Wolfman wants to be about the curse of family legacy and about fate. Some times it wants to be a serious horror movie that builds up suspenseful (and violent) set pieces like the gypsy camp massacre. At other times, it wants to suggest that Talbot is already so psychologically damaged that... well, actually the entire subplot is a red herring, considering the "slaughtering the psychiatrist in the observation room scene."

But what hampers the film the most is that when Del Toro transforms from man to wolf, while the film gives audiences gore-aplenty, it's hard to know whether we should feel bad for him the morning after or not. The movie doesn't really seem to know either; so much time is spent with Talbot moping around in human form, kinda-flirting with Gwen and basically standing around creepy patriarch Sir John Talbot (Anthony Hopkins) that when he finally cuts loose in wolf form it's a sigh of relief. We're then immediately stripped of that the following scene and subjected to more moping and grousing, this time with the added suspicions of Inspector Aberline (Hugo Weaving), and suddenly the Cap'n was hoping for more howling at the moon.

Part of this falls on Benicio Del Toro's shoulders; his Lawrence Talbot is essentially a blank slate, barely reacting to anything. I never got the sense of horror in Talbot that one finds in Lon Chaney Jr.'s portrayal (one that he was so devoted to that it persisted in much sillier films like Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man and Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein). Chaney's transformation was a curse, and he played the burden on his face and in the way he carried himself. Del Toro, a normally gripping presence onscreen, has nothing to work with here. When Talbot is needed to react to something, the scene is either robbed of its emotional arc or Del Toro simply doesn't convey the suffering. Only when he's packed into Rick Baker's wolf man makeup does Del Toro seem to come to life and really be invested in the action. The lack of pathos in the human Talbot is crippling for the story.

2. On the other hand, it's nice to see a major studio film this unabashedly violent - For all the various permutations The Wolfman was in (and do yourself a favor and look up the strange production history behind the film; eventually it could make quite the book), the one thing I'm impressed that they managed to keep was the insistence that Universal release the movie as a hard "R." And it is. This is easily one of the most violent horror movies I've seen come out of a major studio in a long time. A Nightmare on Elm Street's remake has nothing on the creative carnage of The Wolfman. Half eaten bodies, severed limbs, decapitations, people (and wolves) burning alive, huge gash marks, and intestines littering the ground. Oh, the intestines. There's a scene where Abberline is surveying the carnage and the ground is covered in human guts. I have to give credit where credit's due to the creative team that let Baker and the makeup department turn this film into a Fangoria centerfold. It's really one of the few things that kept me hanging in there.

3. Thankfully, the movie is also unintentionally stupid - You'd think this would be a bad thing, but actually the ridiculous plot points gave The Wolfman some unintentional levity and kept the movie out of dull, navel-gazing territory, especially towards the end.

For example, I haven't talked too much about the desperately undercooked "father / son" storyline in the film between Anthony Hopkins and Benicio Del Toro, partly with good reason. If you can't figure out almost immediately that Hopkins' John Talbot is also a werewolf, I don't know what I can do for you. I won't even slap a SPOILER on that because it's just that obvious from the first time you see him. All Hopkins does is wander around their derelict family estate behaving strangely, with periodic flashes of parental concern for Lawrence (mostly after he's bitten him... oh right, SPOILER). When he's not doing that, Hopkins is leering at Emily Blunt in a way that doesn't actually make sense considering the reason he actually wants her to stay at Talbot Manor (he killed his other son because he and Gwen were going to leave, and yet the elder Talbot makes no real effort to harm Gwen).

What all of this builds to is a werewolf on werewolf showdown, but because it's almost impossible to tell them apart in a dimly lit room, the Hopkins wolf man rips his shirt off. Then, for reasons that only made sense to the filmmakers, the movie turns into a Pro-Wrestling smackdown between two guys in wolf costumes, complete with flips and suplexes, culminating in (SPOILER) the Hopkins werewolf being thrown in the fireplace, burning alive, and then being decapitated by Del Toro. Since they're both wolves, there's no taunting or back and forth during the scene, just "growl, growl PUNCH!" with the occasional howl. It's totally inconsistent with the beginning of the film and also hilarious.

I mentioned in yesterday's Murder By Decree review that The Wolfman also has a tangential connection to Jack the Ripper, and its inclusion is chuckle-worthy in this film. During a bit of verbal back and forth between Lawrence Talbot and Inspector Abberline, Lawrence suggests that the Inspector is keen to catch the Blackmoor murderer because he failed an assignment in the "Ripper case." Abberline strikes back with what can only be described as a comparably stupid "You're a direct man. So I'll be equally direct with you. I am not your enemy, Mr. Talbot. You've been seen as Hamlet, Macbeth, Richard III, all with that same face. A prudent man would ask who else might be living inside that head of yours?" And I laughed out loud. Weaving's ultra serious Abberline is the source of many chuckles, particularly during a late night werewolf chase through London (that really serves no purpose in the movie) when he asks a fellow officer "I don't suppose we have any silver bullets, do we?" What movie am I watching here?

I'd like to touch briefly on the Gwen Conliffe subplot, one that boggles the mind at times in its use purely out of plot convenience. After consulting Maleva (Geraldine Chaplin, totally wasted in the movie), the gypsy expert, Lawrence is told that he can only be "set free by someone who loves" him. Unfortunately, there's nobody in that movie who really fits the bill, so Gwen gets stuck in the odd space between bereaved almost-widow and not-actually love interest for Lawrence. That way she can kill him at the end, which really doesn't work (and doesn't involve the wolf's head cane for some stupid reason) but it does set up the best unintentionally hilarious moment in The Wolfman: Gwen also talks to Maleva and then goes to the library to research Lawrence's condition. Of all the books she could possibly choose, Gwen finds a text that has "Lycanthropy" literally separated by one page from "Ancient Gypsy Lore," worded exactly in that fashion. I challenge you not to laugh at the dunderheaded decision to stick that together.

Oh yeah, I mentioned the ending, didn't I? That brings us to our final point...

4. Really? Sequel? - I've always given credit to The Wolf Man for being a self contained movie; even when they found a way to bring Lawrence Talbot back in Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, it happens in such a way that he immediately regrets being resurrected. You can, however, put that aside because The Wolf Man doesn't indicate in any way that coming back to life is an option for Talbot. And I suppose, to its credit, neither does the remake. Instead, it does something far less logical. (Technically speaking, everything from here on out is a SPOILER).

After Abberline has finally seen were-Talbot in action and he believes in the supernatural etc, he goes into Talbot Manor to stop Lawrence from killing Gwen and is mauled. Now the movie's already established that if you're attacked by a werewolf and you live, you're going to become one, so when the bleeding Abberline picks up the wolf's head cane (which is, by the way, also a sword) and gives chase to Talbot and Gwen, we can only hope that he'll actually take out the werewolf and himself. But that's not what happens.

Instead, Gwen shoots Lawrence, who turns and thanks her for pumping a silver bullet into his heart and ending the curse we didn't really get much of an impression about. Meanwhile, Abberline is leaning against a tree with the cane / sword staring at the whole thing while his men are approaching in the distance. See, Abberline knows what's going to happen to him, so does he run that sword through his chest? Nope. He just stands there, gasping like a dope. The camera then cuts to a wide shot of the moors, bathed in full moon glow, and you hear another wolf howl. Credits.

I mean, really? Who thought teasing a sequel to this incarnation of The Wolfman was a good idea? Especially considering how much of a mess the movie is. There's no reason that that character would allow himself to become a werewolf, and all of the other werewolves are dead, so does anybody actually think that's what would happen next? Really?

So there you have it. I can't say that I'll ever watch The Wolfman again, and yet I don't necessarily regret having seen it. By the same token, I'd recommend a dozen movies to you before suggesting anyone even rent The Wolfman. It's too stupid to be taken serious and too serious to be enjoyable stupid. In the end I can't say that I loved or hated the film. It just was, and that's not quite enough for the Cap'n.