Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Retro Review: The YAD Archives (Part Five)

 Welcome to our final edition of the YAD Archives. Maybe. If Major Tom permits, I might put up his reviews of Collateral and Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, along with another friend's review of a "movie" called Stern Auditor or a review of Mona Lisa Smile. Today I thought I would focus on "character" reviews.

 Looking back at older "From the Vaults" posts, I see that one of YAD's two "gimmick" reviewers already has a post devoted to some of the movies he saw. The idea behind "Timothy Brednick" was to have the perspective of a child on movies that children should never, ever see. I'll include the reviews from that older post, along with a few others I found digging through the archives.

 Timothy wasn't our only ridiculous gimmick reviewer. My personal favorite was StanDAMAN69@yahoo.com*, and to a lesser degree, his nemesis Smooth69AllNite@hotmail.com**. The idea behind both "reviewers" was to have the perspective of the average high school alpha male mixed with the hyperbolic profanity of the average Ain't It Cool News "talkbacker." I think we were largely successful, although my favorite reviews were the movie "mashups."

 A different kind of disclaimer: while I am leaving everything "as is," this is more a warning to those easily offended. The "Stan" reviews are equal parts juvenile, homophobic, profane, and insipid. They don't represent the views of Cap'n Howdy's Blogorium and were intended for parodic purposes, not to disparage anyone. Other than the people of West and East Lansing Michigan. No, I'm just kidding; I've never been to Michigan, I don't know anybody who went to high school there, and I really just liked the way it sounded as a proclamation of how awesome an idiotic high school student would think he was.


Timothy Brednick:

Open Water
by Timothy Brednick

I thought this movie was very scary. Why did they get left behind and drown? The girl commited suicide and no one found her and the jelly fish scared me. what is a jelly fish made of mommy says it is not jelly. i do not like jelly fishes. someone said there was a shark but mommy made me cover my eyes like when we went to see Cabin Fever (i did not like cabin fever it was so boring and nothing happened but the dog was cool and the bunny suit. i like bunnies) i guess i will not go swimming alone anymore but mommy says that the lifeguard is always there any way so ok. can i have some juice now? apple juice would be good. i have to give the movie stars? like the gold stars mrs jonson gives us? i guess i give it 6 stars that is pretty good right.

The House of Sand and Fog
by Timothy Brednick

I do not understand why i had to watch this movie. people are very sad and argue a lot and i guess some woman loses her house and then the man puts a bag on his head and she steps on some nails my daddy did that one time and it got infected and he stayed home like the time i ate too many worms and got parasides. that was gross. there was a lot of fog and i remember some sand at the beginning but why did the foreign man have a mushtash and then he did not have one. too confusing. mommy and daddy cried at the end but i went into the living room to play with transformers i hate reviewing movies i wish mom wouldn't yell at me and not tell me i have to earn my keep what does that mean ooooh blues clues is on

Scooby Doo: Monsters Unleashed
by Cynthia Brednick

Timothy is sick in bed, and since I assume in order to get paid he needs to provide a review every month, so here I am in his stead. Scooby Deux, as I like to call it (I'm so clever, don't you think?) is the usual garbage disguised as children's fare, promising the moral that you should be true to yourself, but the reliance on fart jokes and insinuations of Lesbianism and Drug Use assure me that my child will never see this film. I should've known it, the cartoon was bad news. Shame on Peter Boyle (so wonderful in Everybody Loves Raymond) for lowering yourself to this. And that Tramp Alicia Silverstone! don't think I haven't seen The Crush. WHORE!!! Feh. I don't know what I was expecting, but Scooby Deux didn't Deux it for me!

The Ring 2
by Timothy Brednick

it's not fair! i wanted to go see the Ice Princess, but stupid mommy told me i had to see stupid Ring Two instead! sll because daddy was boosinkittup again and bills are due. again! I hate mommy. I wish she'd go into the tv and never come back like in stupid Ring Two. This movie is not scary but is really stupid, and Im only five years old (almost six). Lots of gross girls were in the audience with older guys and they would not shut up but after a while i didnt care because the movie is stupid. if all people who are dead look like the guy in that truck then i am not afraid of ghosts anymore. samara was cool she hates taking baths too! i want to be able to kill grownups! ima make a videotape just you watch me...

The Omen
By Timothy Brednick

This may be the bestest movie I ever saw. Damien has dogs and he has toys and a nanny and he goes to the zoo and has a circus at his birthday party and anybody who doesn’t like Damien goes away and never comes back. That’s good because I don’t like knives and if daddy came at me with a knife then the police would come and then I’d be the presidents son and then I go from a mansion to the white house. I went to the white house one time and there were lots of rooms and ropes and stuff and places I couldn’t go but if I was the presidents son I could. I’ma ask mommy if I can change my name to Damien and go to the zoo. Oh mommy says I hafta give it stars like in mr kerners class one time I got three stars for tying my shoes but the omen gets like a hundred stars it is the greatest movie I ever saw!

Brokeback Mountain
By Timothy Brednick

I don’t understand why people do not like this movie and will not see it. Kissing is gross but only if you kiss girls because they have cooties but if you kiss boys you wont get cooties because boys don’t got them. I mean duh! Of course those cowboys did kiss girls too and one of them gots sick see I told you cooties. Whats a parenpasis mommy? Mommy says there should be parenpasis on the cooties part. Anyway there were fireworks in one part and the blonde cowboy sounded like sling blade hah ha sling blade was funny I met him one time he was a mall santa and smelled funny. Anyway if I play cowboys and Indians I know that it is ok to kiss cowboys and to say “I cant quit you” and then go hide in the tree fort daddy built because the Indians wants to scalp us oh no!

Army of Darkness
By Timothy Brednick

Daddy has this dvd that’s always sitting on the shelf and so I put it in because I know how to work a dvd player. It is silly. Ash is this guy who has one hand and the other hand has this silver glove on it that crushes stuff like the hulk. ASH SMASH! Hahahahah it rhymes. Parts of it were scary but it was ok because ash would say stuff like “give me some sugar” and “this is my boomstick” and king Arthur was in the movie I saw this movie with king Arthur that was sooooooo boring it was named after his sword boo I hate that movie but ash saved the day and this book tried to eat him and this other book was really a vacuum and his face was silly and I don’t know why im not allowed to watch it it was way funny. Eight stars is good.



The Punisher
by StandaMAN69@yahoo.com (guest contributor)

Not Since Next of Kin has a movie rocked my world so hard. ROCKED, I say. Because that is truly what the Punisher will do to your puny world. IT WILL ROCK YOU! Tom Jane is the friggin Punisher and he whups a whole heapin load of ass on Vincent Vega for fuckin with his schema! Arrows and shit! THE PUNISHER BEATS FRICKIN KEVIN NASHS ASS! and he's so cool that even tho rebecca hot piece of score ass romijn offers herself up to him hes like "babe, i'm sorry but i rock to hard. asses need kicking and that's what i do!" THAT ROCKS! give it ten frickin stars because five just dont ROCK ENOUGH! EAST LANSING HIGH SCHOOL REPRESENT!

Johnny Paycheck
another review by StandaMAN69@yahoo.com

starring Keanu Affleck
Uma Thurman-Rollins
and Ice-T Eckhardt

Johnny Paycheck is basically about this computer hacker dude that puts Judge Dredd into cryogenics because he beat wesley snipes demolition ass and then he gets some program that erases his memory and takes away like 90 millions bucks or something. then this chinese dude chops peoples heads off because Ice-T told him to do it for special crimes unit or some shit. Then Agent smith shows up and beats some serious ass until the bride chops him in half or something. so now there's two agent smiths and along with the bride and the dude from rollins band they set out to beat up the chinese dude and ice-t. then pig vomit comes in and says whoa wait just one minute you've got this bag of clues johnny paycheck and you'll get your memory back (or some shit like that) them the chinese guy flips out and cuts his head off and for some reason juliette lewis is in this rock band playing songs while it happens with the dude from the crow. what the fuck? so anyway johnny paycheck and pig vomit's head use their bag of tricks to remember that he's really the one and that he invented a machine that can predict how to kill the chinese guy and then ice cube shows up and presides over a battle to the death between the bride and the chinese dude and the guy from rollins band flips out and kills ice-t and agent smith porks juliette lewis and that dude from the crow. meanwhile the bride is beating some serious ass on the chinese dude but he gets the upper hand and cuts both of her hands off and she's like oh shit i'm so dead, but johnny paycheck uses the machine to tell her to kick him in the nuts (theres like some built in explosive or some shit) and she does it and he friggin explodes, killing ice cube and the dude from rollins band too. then johnny paycheck and the bride run off into the sunset and use surgery or something to graft her hands onto pig vomits head. pretty fuckin gay man.

Walking Tall
by StanDAMAN69@yahoo.com

yeah so the rock plays Buford T. Puser, ass kicker extraordinaire (see mrs. jonson I told you I could use those grammar words shit) who comes back to his hometown after layin the fuckin smackdown on terrorists or brendan fraser or some shit how should I know? anyfuckinway, he finds this babe at a strip club/casino/drug dealership and along with his boy johnny knoxville and a HUGE fucking stick he sets out beating serious loser ass then he becomes the sheriff after some jabronis cut him all to hell so you know how that ended ….. serious smackdown action one problem though it was too short man like seriously I felt like it was over before I could build up a good whiz in me, and that folks is the gauge of a rockin movie (like collateral I had to fuckin piss twice and I held it the second time cos… whoa) like it was cool and shit but there was a lackage of stiffler-action and most definately no WALKEN-mania… shit. anyway I guess it rocked my world as much as it needed to and then went along the rocks merry way. fuckin a man, fuckin a.

Denzel Washington Sets a Man on Fire
By StanDAMAN69@yahoo.com

NO FUCKING SHIT I swear to you he stuffs C4 up this dudes ass and fucking blows him up and the fuckin car hes tied to! Holy shit this movie rules!!! Its like the punisher but with way more crazy camera moves and rack focus and all that shit that I love no way should you miss this movie DAMN I am so pumped about MAN ON FIRE fuckin mark anthony blows his brains out and shit, and Christopher walken does his thing and…. goddamn HE CHOPS THIS DUDES FINGERS OFF AND THEN PUTS A CIGARETTE LIGHTER ON THEM! Yeah boy fuckin represent! MUTHAFUCKIN DENZEL AND SHIT this redeems him for the way he went out in training day screw ethan hawke what a LOOOOZAH like them fucks from west lansing FUCK YOUZ GUYZ!!!!

Zombie Dead Eat Some Fuckin' People
by StanDAMAN69@yahoo.com

yo, i know this shit isnt like in theaters or whatever but man that new dvd is the shizznizzle! fuckin dawn of the dead and shit. MORE GORE MORE NAKED ZOMBIE SHIT FUCKIN HEAD SHOT THAT TAKES OFF THE DUDES SKULL BUT THERES HIS FUCKIN EYEBALL!!!!! u know the score guys go buy it and get ready to kick out the jams with some ass kicking zombie slaying action... oh yeah, if u fucks at west lansing think u r so tuff, fuckin bring it beotches! ill fuck up up hardcore cuz im comin strong 24\7. yeah ill bring the dawn of the dead to ur fuckin asses

by Smoooth69AllNite@hotmail.com

Shit, lemme show you how this is done, StanDAFAG!!!! HAHAHAHA YOU SUCK!

SAW is pure ass beating punishment of LOOOSAHS that deserve to have their jaws ripped open and split to shreds by razor blades. Dr. Douchebag finds himself chained in a room with Paparazzi Jerk, and the doll of death wants them to duke it out. They have a pair of hacksaws with which to chop off their feet and some cigarettes, plus the corpse of some dude that blew his brains out before they woke up. BOSS. Oh yeah, and Danny "LETHAL WEAPON" Glover mopes around and gets his throat slit, but that's nothin compared to what happens to his partner. If you were down with HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES but you thought Zombie pussed out on the bloodshed, then this is your joint, straight up. SHIZZNIZZLE. Eat it, Stan, U SUCK!!!

Buffy the Grudge Slayer and The Temple of Suck
by StanDAMAN69@yahoo.com

MAN THE JAPANESE MAKE SOME SHIIIIIIITY FUCKIN MOVIES for real tho, what in the fuck were they thinkin with this movie, cuz they musta been on shrooms or some shit "yo man, lets put this all out of order and take the scary parts out and get fuckin daphne from dooby deux (heheheh)" what the shit sam raimi? i mean did u see the fuckin japaneez one or did u just get high and point at a board. fuck, i was board all the way thru this fuckin joke. kids r not scary, their lame, and the floatin chick with stupid eyes? totally rippin off the Ring dude and not even some hot chick to distract me cuz that movie sucked ballz too! note 2 hollywood: STOP remaking sucky ass japanese movies becuz you dont bother to improve them first. U R like that pie fucker Smooothlubeupmyass@homomail.gay.

Blade Sucks Three
by standaman69@yahoo.com

aight so what was i expectin right? fuckin more blade ass beatin check fuckin score ass chix check fuckin LAME ASS VAMPIRES check WTF????? shit man, this movie has so little ass kickin that i can barely qualify it as action, more like "im mopey ass blade cuz i cant act for shit" and hey lets cut away to cap' chocula for a halffuckin hour drake ass lame shit. FUCK u think van helsing got dracula wrong oh shit u have no idea! fuckety fuckballs is this shit lame. on the plus corner, porker posey and jessica biel and bonk-worthy, reapers dogs are pretty funny. fuckin van wilder kicks some ass but he cant shut his fuckin yap. oh yeah, like triple "how do u know how big my dick is" h (seriously he fuckin says that shit) man trips, ur no rock. ur not even hogan quality YEAH U HERD ME GAME STICK WITH EVOLUTIOn! fuuuuuck im getting sick of all these shitty movies man! but fuckin saw is comin out on dvd soon!!!!!! SHIT YEAH!!!!

Sin Shitty!
By standaman69@yahoo.com

yoyoyo sherboy Stan, back from spriiiiiiiinnnngg breeaaaaakakaka! shit yea homez, i was fuckin tearin it up in east lansing last fuckin week. man i was so fuckin ripped that i almost forgot i saw fuckin sin shitty! now that i remeberd i fuckin wish i had. yeah yeah whatever it was violent n shit, but dudes looked like they had fuckin jizz all over their jacketz 4 most of the movie

MAJOR LEAGUE GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yo i wont front the bitchez in sin shitty were smokin hawt (even if mah girl alba didnt get butt nekkid i still stroked it in her honor) and who knew the chick from gaymore girls was bone worthy??? still aint gonna watch that shit. fuckit im all for decaptatin and whatevah, but this movie just a little 2 gay if u kno what i mean...

1 star for da movie
5 starz for my bitchez

now i yall excuse me i gots half a bottle of crown royal left and that shit aint gonna drink itself....

Adam Sandler fucks it up again!
By standaman69@yahoo.com

i dunno what ur fuckin problem is snadler but this fuckin spanglish shit was worse than donkeypunch love and at least that had some fuckin class a ass beatin. instead of bein the ass we all know ur, instead you mope around like some fuckin pussy 4 2 hours when U KNOW that spanish maid wants your ass! DO IT MAN!!! fuck mrs david duchovy... wait, no do them both 3WAY!!! yeah baby thatd be better than the fuckin shit i just slept thru. fuckin longest yard better kick some serious ass or make fuckin happy madison again just stop bein such a pussy snadler.


* By the way, I don't actually know who has that email address, but it was taken by the time I realized I should probably register it with Yahoo.
** I also don't have that email address.

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