From the Vaults: Guest Blogger - Movies Reviewed by a 5 Year Old!

*blogorium staff note: the Cap'n sent us these reviews via email last night. He was ranting and raving about their magazine of origin, You're All Doomed, which apparently no longer exists. He insists these reviews are 100% legit and that full credit should be given to the five year old author.*

My movies review

By Timothy Brednick

The omen

This may be the bestest movie I ever saw. Damien has dogs and he has toys and a nanny and he goes to the zoo and has a circus at his birthday party and anybody who doesn’t like Damien goes away and never comes back. That’s good because I don’t like knives and if daddy came at me with a knife then the police would come and then I’d be the presidents son and then I go from a mansion to the white house. I went to the white house one time and there were lots of rooms and ropes and stuff and places I couldn’t go but if I was the presidents son I could. I’ma ask mommy if I can change my name to Damien and go to the zoo. Oh mommy says I hafta give it stars like in mr kerners class one time I got three stars for tying my shoes but the omen gets like a hundred stars it is the greatest movie I ever saw!

Brokeback mountain

I don’t understand why people do not like this movie and will not see it. Kissing is gross but only if you kiss girls because they have cooties but if you kiss boys you wont get cooties because boys don’t got them. I mean duh! Of course those cowboys did kiss girls too and one of them gots sick see I told you cooties. Whats a parenpasis mommy? Mommy says there should be parenpasis on the cooties part. Anyway there were fireworks in one part and the blonde cowboy sounded like sling blade hah ha sling blade was funny I met him one time he was a mall santa and smelled funny. Anyway if I play cowboys and Indians I know that it is ok to kiss cowboys and to say “I cant quit you” and then go hide in the tree fort daddy built because the Indians wants to scalp us oh no!

Army of darkness

Daddy has this dvd that’s always sitting on the shelf and so I put it in because I know how to work a dvd player. It is silly. Ash is this guy who has one hand and the other hand has this silver glove on it that crushes stuff like the hulk. ASH SMASH! Hahahahah it rhymes. Parts of it were scary but it was ok because ash would say stuff like “give me some sugar” and “this is my boomstick” and king Arthur was in the movie I saw this movie with king Arthur that was sooooooo boring it was named after his sword boo I hate that movie but ash saved the day and this book tried to eat him and this other book was really a vacuum and his face was silly and I don’t know why im not allowed to watch it it was way funny. Eight stars is good.

Scooby Doo: Monsters Unleashed

1.5 Stars

by Cynthia Brednick

Timothy is sick in bed, and since I assume in order to get paid he needs to provide a review every month, so here I am in his stead. Scooby Deux, as I like to call it (I'm so clever, don't you think?) is the usual garbage disguised as children's fare, promising the moral that you should be true to yourself, but the reliance on fart jokes and insinuations of Lesbianism and Drug Use assure me that my child will never see this film. I should've known it, the cartoon was bad news. Shame on Peter Boyle (so wonderful in Everybody Loves Raymond) for lowering yourself to this. And that Tramp Alicia Silverstone! don't think I haven't seen The Crush. WHORE!!! Feh. I don't know what I was expecting, but Scooby Deux didn't Deux it for me!