It's the (Second) Most Wonderful Time of the Year

 At one point, the Cap'n used to update the Blogorium to let everybody know when Horror Fests and Summer Fests were. That was back in the days before I was (vaguely) active in "social media," and the Blogorium was the best place to tell friends about it. And then I could create "events" and what not, and I kinda drifted away from "social" updates here in order to focus on reviews. After the fact, I'd put recaps up, but people visiting this blog didn't know when Fests where happening.

 Well, let's rectify that today. This weekend brings The Hyde Park Summer Fest Massacre Part 6(66), the seventh year of July film festival mayhem*. It promises to be a madcap extravaganza of the strange, the unusual, and the "what?!"; I've spent the better part of the year putting together the precise combination of B-Movies, slasher flicks, low-rent action films, and general "what the hell was that?" entries, and this year looks to be another wild one.

 This year, we'll be digging into:

 The Creature with the Atom Brain

 Remote Control

The Visitor

Tales from the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight

Attack of the Crab Monsters

Sleepaway Camp

Suburban Sasquatch

Creepshow 2

Deadly Prey

Savage Beach

Godzilla on Monster Island (aka Godzilla vs. Gigan)

A Special Mystery Movie

Destroyer

From Hell It Came

Death Sport

Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II

Zaat!

  Reviews / recaps will be up as quickly as I can get them online next week, but the entire weekend (starting Friday) will be devoted to movies. I'll also cram in as many trailers, interstitials, and crazy finds as I can (including our dear friend, Dr. Re-Animator). We aren't as young as we used to be, so we can't stay up until the crack of dawn. Ah, the days of Summer Fest 2, when we watched Shark Attack 3: Megalodon and Friday the 13th Part 2 until the sun came up. Still, we'll go as late as people with kids and 30-somethings can before we nod off.

 Summer Fest is (and always has been) a little different from Horror Fest, in that I'm open to watching more than strictly horror films. In the past few years we've tried to branch out from cult films to include action movies, science fiction, and Z-Grade schlock, all with great success. We don't pretend to be Mystery Science Theater 3000, but we aren't afraid to react to what's happening on screen, so keep that in mind. Try to keep conversation on-topic with the film, however.

 If you would rather experience Summer Fest vicariously, or would just like to know more about previous Fests, what the general atmosphere is like, check out the list of films here, or coverage here:

 Horror Fest (Summer Edition) (aka Summer Fest 1)

 Summer Fest 2

 The Greensboro Summer Fest Massacre Part 3

 Summer Fest 4 (Supplemental)

 The Cary Summer Fest Massacre Part 4

 The Hyde Park Summer Fest Massacre Part 5


 Also, Horror Fest: A People's History (Parts One and Two), which covers all Fests.

 Please forgive the writing in earlier recaps: not only was I writing between films, but my style was... evolving. The trade off in later years is immediacy in favor of quality.

 It's going to be a wild one, so if we see you there, be prepared!


 * Summer Fest 4 had to be pushed back a year because of work commitments, so there are "Supplemental" and "Official" versions, hence the numerical inconsistency. Think of it like The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror, if you like.

Cap'n Howdy's (Back)Log: The Night the World Exploded

 The Night the World Exploded is a bit of an odd bird as movies go. Had a friend not asked me about it out of the blue, I probably wouldn't know it existed. I'm guessing most of you have never heard of it, and it's not surprising necessarily: the film comes from dependable cast and crew members who you probably haven't heard of but have definitely seen before. For example, director Fred F. Sears made movies like Teen Age Crime Wave, Apache Ambush, and Cha-Cha-Boom! - he worked a lot, but if you've seen anything he made, it was probably Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, even if you didn't catch the director's name. He worked reliably and consistently, but perhaps not notably.

 Similarly, stars Kathryn Grant and William Leslie appeared in a few movies you might have heard of: she appeared in Anatomy of a Murder and had an uncredited cameo in Rear Window, and he has a small role in John Ford's The Horse Soldiers. The Night the World Exploded is what would fall into the classic description of "B-Movie": the second film to play in a double bill with a more prestigious picture, and at barely over an hour long, it would fit nicely after some cartoons and short films at a Drive-In. In fact, according to IMDB, it was the "B" picture to legendary Summer Fest flick The Giant Claw.

 Dr. David Conway (Leslie) has been working on a high powered seismograph in order to better predict earthquakes with his colleague Dr. Ellis Morton (Tristram Coffin) and research assistant Laura "Hutch" Hutchinson (Grant). One night the machine gives them readings of a quake of serious magnitude about to hit the west coast, but their warnings fall on deaf ears and calamity ensues. It turns out only to be the first of many massive earthquakes, first in the U.S. but eventually all over the world. When strong seismic activity appears deep in Carlsbad Caverns, Dr. Conway, Hutch, and Dr. Morton head down to find the source and discover a natural phenomenon that threatens the entire world...

 I'm not quite sure what I have more of a problem with in The Night the World Exploded: the "bad science" or the rampant sexism towards Hutch. Early in the film, Dr. Morton tries to talk Hutch out of leaving as Dr. Conway's assistant because she's planning to marry the never seen but often mentioned "Brad." His argument is, I kid you not, that she should wait for Dr. Conway to realize he's in love with her because "why settle for something rather than expect the best?" Mind you, he's not asking her to stay because she's a valuable team member - which is actually why Dr. Conway wants her to stick around - but because eventually she'll be seen as a romantic object by the male lead and that should be good enough for her. It's far from the last time that pervasive sexism is directed at Hutch in the film, but it gives you a good idea how The Night the World Exploded is going to approach women in the scientific field.

 The "bad science," on the other hand, is pretty funny: the cause of the earthquakes as a new element (dubbed "112") that's been pushing itself up to the earth's surface. When in water, element 112 is dormant, but when exposed to air it increases in mass and heats up, eventually exploding (as a Carlsbad Caverns guide / amateur rock collector unfortunately discovers). Hutch suggests that "maybe the earth is fighting back after all of the mining we've been doing" which, it turns out, is exactly what's happening - all of the worst quakes seem to be based in areas with heavy mining.

 The solution is actually just as comical: Conway manages to pull the world's scientists together and get all of the disparate governments in line to fix the problem by flooding these areas, largely by bombing the ground to create new rivers and with weather machines to generate rain. When that's not working fast enough, a volcano appears out of the ground in New Mexico and Conway and Hutch have to blow up the nearby dam to stop it from erupting. I did not make up that last sentence. It's the climax of the film, as a matter of fact (SPOILER). They go to the dam despite the toxic fumes from the volcano and bring along some acid, which "escalates the reaction of element 112" in order to blow up the facility faster, only the acid is spilled and they have to run out and barely make it to the helicopter in time. But it's all okay in the end because even as large parts of the world are flooded, Dr. Conway realizes he loves Hutch and they're together at the end and that's what counts.

 I'd like to mention something that stood out to me in an already silly and mostly inaccurate movie (I watched it a second time with a scientist who confirmed that The Night the World Exploded, like The Happening, wasn't the least bit plausible). While in New Mexico a few years ago, I went to Carlsbad Caverns, and as a result I could tell immediately that the people who made this movie had seen pictures (maybe) but had mostly just heard about it. The rock formations were largely correct, but even by Hollywood conceits, the "caverns" were way too well lit and, well, small. Carlsbad Caverns is a prehistoric undersea cave, absent the "sea" part. The caverns are massive - so much so that 99% of the pictures I took failed to convey any sense of scope because there isn't enough light to do it justice. Once your eyes settle, you can make out just how large the space is, but the only photos that came out at all were ones taken very close to a rock formation or near a large source of light that indicates where the walkways are headed. The "Great Hall" that Conway and Hutch are standing in is, at best, a tenth of the size in any direction of the real Carlsbad Caverns. I appreciate the attempt to use the location, but like many things in The Night the World Exploded, it just doesn't do the real deal justice.

 The Night the World Exploded is available from Sony as an "On Demand" DVD-R, or you can find it on YouTube. It's exactly right for some harmless Saturday afternoon shenanigans with friends if you're in the mood for some 50s cheese. Pair it up with The Giant Claw for even more fun - in fact, I think I might do that in the near future...

Retro Review: Tales from the Crypt Presents Demon Knight

 It's been a while now since Tales from the Crypt was on television, either in its uncensored form (HBO) or the network cleaned up iteration (Fox). If it airs in syndication, I haven't seen it, but to be fair I don't watch a lot of Syfy or Chiller (where I imagine it would end up), but HBO did release all seven seasons on DVD and they aren't too hard to find (or too expensive if you're willing to dig around for good deals). The series ran from 1989 to 1996 and had two (three?) theatrical spinoffs, the first of which I thought I'd take a look back at today.

 Demon Knight always had the edge over Bordello of Blood when it came to second wave Tales from the Crypt movies (the Amicus Tales from the Crypt and Vault of Horror deserve their own separate consideration), in part because it tries to extend the concept of the series beyond an elongated episode. In fact, Demon Knight wouldn't work condensed to thirty minutes (whereas the goofier Bordello of Blood could easily be truncated and played as a "comedic horror" episode). As the Crypt Keeper (John Kassir) suggests during the "movie within a movie" prologue, Demon Knight is his full-fledged Hollywood effort, and the producers of Tales from the Crypt brought an "A" game mentality to a "B" movie and succeed in a trashy good time.

 It starts with director Ernest Dickerson, the director of Juice, Bones, and Surviving the Game but likely better known as a longtime cinematographer for Spike Lee (including Do the Right Thing and Malcolm X), as well as a DP for Tales from the Darkside. Well, maybe only I remember that. I was also a big Tales from the Darkside fan. Also he's directed episodes of The Wire, The Walking Dead, Dexter, Treme, and is one of the Masters of Horror. Demon Knight was his third directorial effort, but years as a cinematographer gave Dickerson the skill and experience to make Demon Knight look dynamic, inventive, and maintain a humorous tone while still being tense (and at times, pretty gross).

 Also helping in a big way is Billy Zane, he who sort of vanished after Titanic (well, unless you have an affinity for DTV movies, in which case he's a busy guy), who plays The Collector, a human disguised demon hellbent on retrieving a key from Brayker (William Sadler), the titular hero. Brayker is sullen, distrustful, and behaves with questionable moral values at the beginning of the film, whereas Zane's Collector is gregarious, forthcoming, and polite to a fault to the police (Gary Farmer and John Schuck) who find the wreckage of his car - the one Brayker shot until it caught fire and exploded. Of course, when it becomes clear that he's not going to get the key, his true nature comes out, and Zane has a prime opportunity to chew scenery and unleash hell.

 While I've always enjoyed CCH Pounder, Dick Miller, Brenda Bakke, Charles Fleischer, Jada Pinkett , and Thomas Haden Church (the "sponge" scene with Zane cracks me up every time) as the unwitting participants of the battle between good and evil, Billy Zane really owns Demon Knight. His seduction (failed and successful) of every character per their weakness keeps the "siege" horror subgenre trappings fresh. Along with the special effects by the combo of Todd Masters Company and Kevin Yagher Productions, who create not only the demon spawn that The Collector raises but also a number of great gags (including the SPOILER half arm Pounder's Irene is left with and how she uses it to respond to The Collector).

 If you're wondering, I watched Demon Knight again recently and I still enjoy it as a better than average "B" movie, one worthy of the reputation that Tales from the Crypt implies. The back story of Brayker and The Collector is spread out through the film in a manner that keeps you unsteady about whether the "hero" is really someone we should trust, or just a desperate loner who lived a long, long time. It's not the kind of movie that's going to make it on or near lists of the "greatest horror films" of all time, but it makes a strong case for being a movie to kick back with some friends and a few beers. I'm certainly more inclined to recommend Demon Knight over Bordello of Blood, and having never seen Ritual I can't really speak for that film. It's a down and dirty, fun and filthy horror movie that has the edge over Feast (which borrows some of the tone of Demon Knight) and Filter's "Hey Man, Nice Shot" aside, it has aged pretty well.


 Interesting tidbit: In the "making of" for The Frighteners, Robert Zemeckis and Peter Jackson reveal that the former approached the latter to make the Michael J. Fox / ghost scam artist horror comedy under the Tales from the Crypt banner, before the two agreed it worked better as a standalone film.

Stupid Eyes

 I don't have much to say, because it's really hard to look at any one thing for long periods of time. The short story is that Cap'n Howdy's eyesight has improved, to the point that my glasses are too strong. I guess that would be a good thing, except that until my new prescription comes in, I've been advised to use the computer without them. They're better than the glasses can handle, but they aren't THAT good, so I get a wicked headache from staring at the screen, and I just worked eight hours sitting in front of a computer.

 As you can imagine, since I don't like sitting right in front of the TV screen, watching movies is very difficult. I'm about 20 minutes away from finishing More Brains: A Return to the Living Dead, but I just can't do it tonight. I'll get that review up Friday or Saturday, when my eyes don't hurt so much. I don't even know why I agreed to go see something (anything) tomorrow night when I know good and well I won't be able to see it. Thankfully, Professor Murder has his heart set on Jack and Jill, which violates my "No Adam Sandler Movies" rule (of which Little Nicky and Punch-Drunk Love are the only exceptions after 1993*). Then again, if I can't see it, it didn't happen, and I have no intention of paying for it. I'd rather not be able to see The Thing if that's an option.

 So I can't watch movies, I can't write for very long, and I have trouble staring at the computer screen. You can see how this isn't conducive to proper Blogorium decorum. Hence I will leave you with the following: Francis Ford Coppola's Dementia 13, in its entirety.



 Please accept this as my apology for not being able to create a fictional dialogue between The Dude and CLU this week.



* I would not necessarily consider Airheads to be an "Adam Sandler" movie, but for you sticklers out there, I put in that qualifier.

A Few Thoughts on SyFy Channel Originals

If there's one thing the Cap'n gets more grief about from friends, it's my unwillingness to embrace the Syfy (née Sci-Fi) Channel Original films. "But you love schlock," they say, "this is the same kind of b-to-z grade crap they churned out in the 1950s, 60s, and 70s, so where's the love?"

And it's true: I have no love for Syfy originals like Frankenfish, Mega Piranha, Raptor Island, S.S. Doomtrooper, Ice Spiders, and Grizzly Rage. Beyond that, I really don't like the more recent trend of "giant _____" films that are then combined into dreck like Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus or Dinocroc vs. Supergator (or the forthcoming Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus and Mega Python vs. Gatoroid). I'm not even sure the latter qualify as "Syfy Originals" or if Syfy just airs them.

It is true that I enjoy low budget "thrillers" like Them! or Fiend without a Face or The Beginning of the End. All are imminently watchable, and while cheap often attempt to disguise their low budgets with imaginative monster effects and as many thrills as they can muster with a no-name cast. Attack of the Crab Monsters, a very early Roger Corman film, is still far better than it has any right to be, as does Beast from Haunted Cave. So yes, I do like vintage schlock; now allow me to explain why calling what Syfy does the same is erroneous.

The central difference between the films listed in the above paragraph (plus many, many others) and the weekly Syfy output is simple - every time I see a Syfy Original, it seems like nobody is trying at all. The films are barely competent, and not because the people involved weren't capable of doing so, but because many of them look like they're in it for a quick paycheck. I mean, who's going to see this garbage, right?

That's the impression one quickly gleans from these films, which all seem to follow a similar formula: cast one or two actors / musicians / quasi-celebrities on a career decline in lead roles, find one more B-movie icon to cast in a tiny role that requires as little work from them as possible, fill the rest of the cast out with desperate unknowns, then unleash a Toy Story 1-era CGI monster to kill them off, mostly by eating them because it requires less animation for one "gulp."

The films then pad out the cheap, uninteresting "monster" attacks with long, pointless subplots that continually separate the main characters from the action, introduce superfluous roles for truly talentless amateurs as "comic relief," then eventually get back to the monster in time for the finale, which of late consists of the main characters watching two badly animated creatures "fight" until one or both "die" - at least until the next sequel.

For example, this is exactly what happens in Dinocroc vs. Supergator, minus any recognizable cast members aside from the late David Carradine, who really seemed to be shooting his scenes at home and literally phones in most of his dialogue as the evil corporation head who had something to do with... I don't know, let's say Supergator's existence. Even he doesn't seem to care that he's in the movie, so why should I be enthused that he graced this waste of 90 minutes with his presence? Or F. Murray Abraham trying to stay involved in Blood Monkey before being killed? (Oops, SPOILER).

The Mega-whatevers vs Giant-whatsits are even more transparent in their attempts to draw audiences into interminably boring conversations and lab scenes by including "whatever happened to's" like Deborah Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas, Jaleel White, Corin Nemec, Vanessa Williams, Casper Van Dien, Lou Diamond Phillips, Sean Patrick Flannery, Armand Assante, Amy Locane, Robbie Williams, Mickey Dolenz, Barry Williams, Daniel Baldwin, and Tiffany. The plots are so interchangeable that it doesn't matter how the monsters got there, let's just watch the singer of "I Think We're Alone Now" fight a giant piranha! Then they throw in Bruce Campbell, Robert Englund, Tony Todd, Daryl Hannah, John Rhys-Davies and Jeffrey Combs (or anyone else who won't say "no") to come in and give the film some "cred" for fanboys.

It's fair to note that the other big Syfy trick has been licensing sequels on the cheap, like Lake Placid 2 (and 3), Firestarter 2, Stir of Echoes: The Homecoming, House of the Dead 2, Pumpkinhead (Ashes to Ashes and Blood Feud), Dungeons and Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God, Bats: Human Harvest, Anacondas 3 and 4, and a remake of Children of the Corn. Of the films I've sampled from that last, almost all of them had the same "we just don't care" attitude that rubs off on the audience.

Say what you will about schlock films of yesteryear, but they weren't boring. Well, some of them were boring, and a lot of those have faded into obscurity, with good reason. Horror of the Blood Monsters is a turgid, lifeless mishmash of prehistoric and vampire elements, and I can't finish it. I will happily watch The Blob though, because an effort was made to, oh, entertain audiences even as the producers sought a quick buck.

By the way, it's not as though movies with virtual unknowns and limited cgi effects can't be entertaining - Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, which has Torchwood's John Barrowman as its marquee name (nothing against Barrowman, who is great in the movie and on the show, but this did come out four years before Torchwood and I'm making a huge assumption that the average visitor to this site has seen the spin-off of the 2005 relaunch of Doctor Who). It has all of the same hallmarks of cheap "giant monster" schlock, but the film is funny, occasionally surprising, has better than expected "kills," and the best pick-up line in film history (even better than "get the butter"). Blood Car, another Blogorium favorite, has no monster but a better gimmick and My Girl's Anna Chlumsky, and it's better than any Syfy film mentioned above.

There are a handful of Syfy Originals that I've found amusing in small doses - Alien Express, Terminal Invasion, parts of Alien Apocalypse, The Man with the Screaming Brain, and Beyond Re-Animator. It's probably worth noting that almost all of them deviate from the formula listed above in one or all aspects. Alien Express, for example, has actual puppets instead of CG monsters, and even if they look goofy, it's a creative choice. Terminal Invasion makes the best of a limited location, and Alien Apocalypse tries hard (and fails miserably, if enterainingly) to tell an Planet of the Apes knock-off story. I've heard good things about Abominable from people like Dr. Murder and the Cranpire, and he also swears by Hammerhead because of the presence of William Forsythe and Jeffrey Combs.

The recent Sharktopus (with Eric Roberts) at least has the right idea with the goofy trailer and theme song, even if it looks like every other "hybrid / giant monster" movie the channel ever aired. And what is Syfy airing this week? Will it break the trend of movies the Cap'n is happier not seeing? It's - oh, something called Mega Snake. No thanks. Let me know when the execution actually meets the premise of this so-called "schlock."