Summerfest 3 Wrap Up: Yearbook Edition!

This year, the Cap'n is afraid to say I took less pictures, but what I did do was make sure that the nights (except Thursday) had a group photo, which I'll share with you as a way of wrapping up the fest.

The Thursday Night Summerfest Groovie Ghoulies were: Phillippi, Englund, Chris, Riannon, Domenic, and Nathan (all pictured on other days, so not a total loss photographically)

Friday Night's Summerfest Groovie Ghoulies:

(seated: Cranpire, Tom, Riannon, Alicia. standing: Phillippi, Barrett, Domenic, Rebecca, Chris, Nathan)

Stairway photo designed to evoke the first Summerfest.

Saturday Night's Summerfest Groovie Ghoulies:

(row one: Tom, Chris, Liz, Englund. row two: Riannon, Andy, Randy. row three: Domenic, Alicia. back row: Ben, Andrea, Cranpire, Nathan.)

Sunday Night's Bonus Film Summerfest Groovie Ghoulies:

(from left to right: Ben, Andrea, Neil, Nathan.)

and now a handful of other random photos, alternate shots, and moments that bear sharing:

Nathan, the new Jonas Brothers King.

Domenic attempts to take a group photo, Facebook style. We ended up with this.

How to move your dead bones en Espanol.

The Cranpire and the Doctor engaging in the mortal enemy of the Cap'n: the smoke break.

Thank you, Netflix "Watch It Now." Thank you.

Good times outside.

Finally, two alternate takes of the stair picture:

I had the flash on by accident, losing the red light, but I like it in its own way.

Still shot from a video I took of the stairwell. If the video wasn't sideways, I'd post that too.

Thanks to all of the Summerfest Groovie Ghoulies that helped make this year's fest my favorite yet! The Cap'n might take a day off but will return this week with more insight and foolishness, so stay tuned.

Summerfest 3 Bonus Film: Chopping Mall

After the 4th of July cookout elsewhere, the Cap'n and a small circle of Summerfest maniacs returned to the Apartment that Dripped Blood to watch the "final" final film of the fest as it exists in North Carolina: Chopping Mall.

As I've already reviewed Chopping Mall during last year's Summerfest, this review is going to rely strictly on things we noticed for the first time. When you've seen a movie like Chopping Mall as many times as we have, it's a pleasant surprise when you focus on obscure things like the "more butter" guy and catch background details that escaped previous viewings.

Like what, you say? How about the customers shopping behind Dick Miller when the mall is clearly supposed to be closed? Or the stores, some of which can't possibly be real (okay, some of them aren't real, like Peckinpah's gun shop, or Roger's Little Shop of Animals). But what about House of Almonds? Are there really that many types of almonds available in Los Angeles that you can open an entire store devoted to them? Or the shop that sells Toy Houses and Cuckoo Clocks? A restaurant called "Restaurant"? Yes, as you can guess, I spent a considerable period of time paying attention to the store names, but there's more.

In all the years I watched this film. I'd somehow never caught the names of Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov's characters, Mr. and Mrs. Bland, which does in fact make this a semi-spin-off of Eating Raoul. Or that Dick Miller is playing Walter Paisley, the same character he played in A Bucket of Blood (and The Howling!). I'd noticed the Roger Corman references elsewhere, but somehow missed those. And the Cap'n calls himself a film geek...

Chopping Mall is also a movie that uses "The End" title cards twice during its runtime, neither of which occur at the end of the movie. This sort of trickery must have wreaked havoc on the unsuspecting TV viewer. Or not. Incidentally, according to IMDB, the film was originally released as Killbots, but nobody wanted to see a movie called Killbots. While there is not chopping in Chopping Mall, I have to say that it's certainly the kind of title I gravitated towards in the glory days of Video Bar and Carbonated Video.

Thanks to all who attended Summerfest! The next time I cover this, it'll be from New Mexico. Madness! I'll have pictures up with the honor roll tomorrow, but for now it's time to recuperate...

Summerfest 3 Day Three: ThanksKilling

Continued from earlier today:

Back to ThanksKilling.... ah yes, where was I? After making the audience sit through The Navy vs. the Night Monsters, it only seemed fair to reward them by showing a movie nobody was going to regret seeing. Oh sure, it's hard to regret anything that's 66 minutes long, but it should be telling to you, dear readers, that the Cap'n wanted to watch the same movie twice in one day.

There may not be anything I can do in a review that does justice to the demented work of Jordan Downey's ThanksKilling. It is a movie that, by its own math, takes place in the year 2126 (if you follow the title card that the first Thanksgiving was in 1621 and that the Killer Turkey strikes once every 505 years) and opens with Wanda Lust running around topless in a Party City "Pilgrim" outfit.

Of course, when you're watching a movie about a talking Killer Turkey, things like "Turkeyologists" and a Tipi made out of sheets that might as well be a TARDIS (it IS bigger on the inside than on the outside), getting picky about the details is a moot point. Downey and co-creator Kevin Stewart are aware of the inconsistencies of his low budget film and compensates by pointing them out whenever possible. For example, the turkey kills one character's father, and then wears his face (and fake moustache), and everybody buys it, hook, line and sinker. It's not surprising when the turkey says "You guys are retarded!"; this is the kind of film made by the young and fearless, the kind of filmmakers that have nothing to lose. In that sense, it's a lot like Blood Car, another anarchic genre picture that works as hard as it can to subvert audience expectations.

As long as the turkey is on camera, ThanksKilling is essential viewing. The periods when he isn't are laden with amateurish acting, wooden line delivery, and not one but three Jon Benet Ramsey jokes, so while they aren't the turkey, things roll along enjoyably. There's a daffy montage, a near-death vision, an actor named General Bastard, a text book on killing the turkey written in mathematical equations, and what I can only imagine is a reference to A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 4. Oh, and possibly the best comeback you're likely to find in a movie like this:

Darren: I've got something you'll never have!

Turkey: What's that Darren, a vagina?

At a certain point, you can only admire the audacity of Jordan and Stewart, who continue to push your expectations further in what barely qualifies as a feature film. Kudos, gentlemen, and I look forward to ThanksKilling 2... in space!

Summerfest 3 Day Three: The Navy vs. The Night Monsters

The Navy vs. the Night Monsters was about what I was expecting: something along the lines of Hillbillys in a Haunted House. There's something about the goofy quality of mid-to-late sixties horror/comedies (that really aren't horrific at all) that appeals to me, and when it clicks, the movie can be enjoyably dumb. Unfortunately, The Navy vs. the Night Monster was nowhere near as enjoyable as Hillbillys in a Haunted House.

This is not to say that it doesn't have its own stupid charm: the story of a naval base on tropical Gow Island (somewhere north of Antarctica) is filled with gaffes and lazily constructed plotlines, but what do you really expect when the commanding officer is named Lt. Charlie Brown (okay, the placard on his desk says "Charles" but you get the idea)?

Mamie Van Doren plays Nora Hall, who is a nurse or doctor or something; it's really hard to tell because she mostly wears short-sleeved dresses who is either in love with or involved with most of the male characters. Seriously. At first, you think she's with the visiting Meteorologist (sorry, I'm checking IMDB, but none of these names ring a bell), but then it seems pretty clear she's in love with Charlie Brown. On the other hand, I could have sworn there was another guy she was clinging to.

One of the film's many problems is that there are too many characters. Apparently director Michael Hoey felt the need to introduce to all 33 members of the Naval base before we meet the night monsters (which happens 50 minutes into an 87 minute movie), so the first half hour or so is spent meeting character after character, all of whom look and behave similarly, so that other than the Meteorologist wearing a cardigan, you can't tell them apart after a while. At gunpoint, I'm not sure that I could tell you who was who in The Navy vs. the Night Monsters, and after a while you just give up. Every guy has brown hair and wears a uniform. There are three women: Mamie Van Doren, the brunette, and the kind-red haired woman who speaks with a mannered, New England prep-school affectation.

The Night Monsters stand out, in comparison, because they're cheap looking tree creatures that attack with their fronds and... uh... well, they kill people somehow. To be honest, we tried to keep up, but there's not much to hang your hat on in this film.

Instead, it's easier to gravitate towards the many things that don't make sense: the geography of the island, which appears to be half Arizona / half cheap set. The base is (at first) separate from the jungle, but then is right next to the jungle so that the characters don't have to wander far to follow a tiny tree monster. How exactly the tree monsters were frozen in Antarctica was probably covered but we were a little more interested in the film's take on "Molotov Cocktails", which appear simply to be bottles filled with gasoline. You don't have to light anything on fire; just throw them and they'll explode.

That turns out to be important, since the only way to (SPOILER) kill a tree monster is to burn it. The Joint Chiefs (we're guessing) decide the best course of action is to napalm the hell out of Gow Island and call it a day. For some reason the Navy is stationed in a landlocked base and can only fly on and off the island, despite the beach being within walking distance of the compound. These are the kind of things you get in a movie shot in ten days.

After a while, one gives up on trying to make sense of the film and relaxes into its doofy groove, patiently biding your time for something, anything to happen. It's nothing new for a sci-fi / horror film of the 50s and 60s to devote most of the running time to the human characters (I suppose that the filmmakers were convinced monsters were "too terrifying" for audiences), so the Night Monsters are barely in the film (and not exactly "night monsters" if the ending is any indication). At the end, I felt the most pity for those poor penguins; they survived a plane crash where the door was open only to be killed by a tree monster for no particular reason. Not cool, tree monsters. Not cool.

Summerfest 3 Day Three: Basket Case

Alas, folks, I wish I had more time to write up Basket Case, but the smoke break (the mortal enemy of The Cap'n) is winding down and it's almost time for The Navy vs. The Night Monsters (heheheheh), so I'll try to be brief.

Basket Case was made in 1982-ish, back when New York City was less... savory. Like The Burning, there's some outdoor footage of Times Square (and other parts of the city) packed with XXX Stores and Porno theaters, which serve as the backdrop for the story of Duane Bradley (Kevin Van Hentenryck) and his deformed Siamese twin Belial (puppet), who lives in a basket. That's not really a spoiler since whether you've heard of Basket Case or not, if you're looking at the poster to your right, then you're looking at Belial.

The film is equal parts revenge story and black comedy, alternating between Duane's quest to kill the doctors responsible for separating Belial from him (they share a psychic link) and the comedic adventures of a boy and his basket living in the Big City. And no, I'm not kidding. Since it's a while before Belial is revealed - other than the occasional "arm" shot - most of the first 20-30 minutes is Duane talking to a basket and dropping hamburgers into the open lid. Then the basket shakes in exactly the way you'd expect it to for a low budget film. Director Frank Henenlotter seemed aware of this, so there's a subplot involving Belial getting into all sorts of shenanigans and upsetting Duane's neighbors while he's gone.

And where is Duane? Not plotting his revenge; oh no, Duane meets Sharon (Terri Susan Smith), the receptionist for Doctor Needleman (Lloyd Pace) and falls in love, much to Belial's chagrin, which brings us to the ending. As much as a movie named Basket Case can have a spoiler warning, I suppose you should be warned: Duane has a dream that he's running naked from his apartment to Sharon's, and then in a POV shot, he has sex with Sharon... only to wake up in his own bed to find Belial is gone! Guessing it wasn't a dream? You'll have to find out for yourself, and it ain't pretty...

The film has a sleazy, low rent charm that anchors the unbelievable story in a city where something that strange could happen. It doesn't hurt that Henenlotter introduces Duane's neighbors in ways that make them as weird (if not weirder) than he is, which lends a curious verisimilitude to a film that features a puppet that periodically becomes stop-motion and brutally murders people. When everything is surreal but grounded in a place where it seems plausible, a movie as demented as Basket Case makes sense. Set the same movie in New York City today and it would be totally illogical. How times change...

Oh crap, they're back. Time to make them watch a movie none of us have seen so that the Cap'n can reward them with ThanksKilling! Until then!

Summerfest 3 Day Three: The Stuff

After six consecutive fests of promising that "This year, we WILL watch The Stuff!" the Cap'n finally made good on his promise. For too long, Larry Cohen sat on the sidelines as lesser horror comedies made the rounds during Summer and Horror Fests, and for that I have no excuse, but we made up for it in a big bad way with the satirical grossout masterpiece about consumption (on both ends): The Stuff.


If, for some strange reason, you haven't been privy to this cult film from 1985, The Stuff starts out immediately promising you a film where no sensible human being exists: a miner in Virginia walks up to a bubbling white puddle and decides that he's going to eat it. Then he loves it, so he eats more of it, and so do his friends. Before you know it, the white gunk is being marketed as "The Stuff", an all purpose food with truly addictive qualities. It also (SPOILER ALERT) happens to some kind of sentient creature that... uh... well, I suppose it eats you and then crawls back out. Except that sometimes the people it crawls out of aren't actually dead, so maybe it doesn't totally eat you.

The bulk of The Stuff is devoted to David "Mo" Rutherford (Michael Moriarty), a corporate espionage agent who was hired to discover the secret ingredient to "The Stuff" by rival companies. Along the way he runs into "Chocolate Chip" Charlie Hobbs (Garrett Morris), the dethroned candy king who lost his company when "The Stuff" hit the market, and they wander around Virginia and Georgia searching for the insidious secret behind this seemingly innocuous food product. Which is that is may (SPOILER ALERT) have mind control and psychic link powers. Or not. It's really hard to say, because sometimes "Stuff" possessed people know where Mo is and sometimes they don't.

"The Stuff" is really kind of like The Blob, but white instead of red, which makes it easier to hide in places like mattresses, pillows, and in containers marked "The Stuff." Very sneaky, "The Stuff"... We don't really learn anything about the creature that everyone is eating, or that's eating everybody, but it seems to bubble up in quarries like the ones where Doctor Who is filmed. We do learn a lot about Colonel Malcom Grommett Spears (Paul Sorvino), who lives in a castle with his soldiers / militia. He's convinced "The Stuff" is a communist plot, but Spears is also almost certainly insane, so keep that in mind.

At no point should you take The Stuff too seriously, but since that was the idea, it's more fun to sit back and let the satire unfold. The film is punctuated with marketing campaigns for "The Stuff," including ads featuring models in bathing suits and fur coats, which I imagine helps sell the product to... well, somebody. Cohen is working with tongue firmly planted in cheek, but the gore effects (mostly revolving around what happens when "The Stuff" is done with its host) are impressive and pretty gnarly.

Personally speaking, I'd forgotten about most of the commercials, particularly the Wendy's take-off ad featuring Abe Vigoda and the "Where's the Beef" lady. To be honest, I wasn't really expecting to hear "Where's The Stuff?", but it hits you just the right way, I must say. I love that Danny Aiello actually says "Well, it wasn't called 'The Stuff' when we were testing it," because of how silly the premise is in the first place. Or that Jason (Scott Bloom) would rather eat Barbasol than The Stuff, and he does. It's a bold move for the kid (who is kind of the other protagonist, along with Andrea Marcovicci, who plays Stuff ad executive Nicole), but you have to go the extra mile to avoid being taken over by a sentient blob monster, right?

Up Next: Basket Case!

Summerfest 3 Day Three: Return of the Living Dead and The McGangbang Challenge!

If you're looking for a review of Return of the Living Dead, I'm afraid the Cap'n will be disappointing you. While I am a huge fan of the Dan O'Bannon take on Romero zombies (and the film that forever linked the living dead to the phrase "Brains!"), the Cap'n has seen ROTLD many times and needed to run out of the Apartment that Dripped Blood to pick up something more horrifying.... the dreaded McGangbang. That was tonight's REAL challenge.


For those of you who haven't read the article on Cracked.com that I put up the other day, allow me to fill you in on the McGangbang: take One (1) McDouble from the Dollar Menu, take One (1) McChicken sandwich from the Dollar Menu. Open McDouble, separate into two halves (along the patties), open the McChicken sandwich, remove one bun (or don't, it's up to you), and then place the McChicken sandwich between the patties of the McDouble. It should look like this:


Yes, I know; anybody stupid enough to eat this "unholy union" of food deserves what they get, but what's Summerfest without one truly moronic stunt? The good news is that despite the fact that Cranpire refused to partake (and so did a number of more sensible attendees), five of us were dumb brave enough to dare take the McGangbang Challenge. One of us was even braver than the others, but I'll get to that momentarily.


First, I'd like to show you what it looks like to eat a McGangbang. Everybody made roughly the same face, as you'll see:


Pictures tell some of the story, but video is even more helpful (not for the faint of heart):

The McGangbang is a devious "food" challenge, because at the first bite or so, you think "hey, this isn't so bad! in fact, it's kind of tasty!" mostly because there's no reason a human being would ever think to eat a burger and a chicken sandwich at the same time, so the flavor combination is new and exciting. About 3/4's of the way in, I realized the folly of my decision, but felt the need to press on. 30 minutes later, I knew I made at mistake that no amount of Pepto Bismol could undo.

A normal human being should react this way, but Chris Hodgin (aka Iron Stomach) ate not one but two McGangbangs and took home the ingredients for a third. I salute you, Mr. Hodgin. Truly you are insane.

Summerfest 3 Day Three: Matinee Quadruple Feature!

Welcome to day three of Summerfest, wherein the Cap'n and his intrepid fest fanatics spent the afternoon with four films heretofore unseen during marathon activities. I could probably do write-ups for each one of these movies and go on forever, but I need to get to McDonalds before the rest of our maniacs arrive so the McGangbang Challenge can really come to pass (photo evidence to follow). Ergo, here are four short summaries with highlights of each film:


Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead - I intentionally chose the third Phantasm film because unless you're planning to show all four films in one sitting, any one of the sequels will be as confusing as the others to first time viewers. To wit, when Kevin asked "why is he shrinking that corpse?" the only logical answer Phillippi could give him was "because the Tall Man needs them to be small when they cross into the other dimension," which is exactly the case, but makes no sense unless you're really trying hard to follow the Phantasm films. The series is a bit like watching a dream unfold, and the logic of the Tall Man and Michael's story is better left unexplored. It's easier to follow Reggie's story, which is how these films hook you in and prepare you for the sometimes nonsensical inter-dimensional elements.

Cheerleader Camp - It seemed only fair to include another summer camp-esque slasher movie, particularly since The Burning was really more "summer camp" than "slasher", and Cheerleader Camp (aka Bloody Pom Poms) is truly a bizarre and awkward movie. It tries so hard to cram disparate elements together: borderline-camp black comedy, periodically gory kills, goofy teen comedy, murder mystery, hallucinatory dream sequences, and Leif Garrett. In the end, it's kind of like mashing up Friday the 13th, Sleepaway Camp, Heathers, The Disorderlies, Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid, and VH1's Behind the Music into one overstuffed platter. Since you can call the "twist" about 15 minutes into the movie, the only thing left to do is enjoy the union of movies that just shouldn't fit together and make jokes about how much older Leif Garrett looks than the rest of the cast (funny tidbit: he's actually the same age or younger than half of the girls). Oh, and you have to hear the cheerleader "rap" (skip to the one minute mark):




ThanksKilling - Oh my goodness. I don't want to say too much about this right now, because we're going to watch it again later tonight (ThanksKilling demands a large audience), but this movie is like the demented, cheaper, step-brother of Blood Car. Its brilliance is the willingness to embrace how stupid a talking rubber turkey is on the part of the filmmakers, and then not to care and push onwards. Every moment the turkey's onscreen is gold (except, perhaps, for when it's radioactive and therefore glowing green), and there are moments in this film I guarantee you'll never see anywhere else ("I found this feather and an extra-small gravy flavored condom in her room!")


The Gate - For those of you who saw The Gate when you were younger and forgot about it (or just have hazy memories), watch it again. This is a disturbing kids' movie. Seriously. The things that happen to Stephen Dorff's Glen (I swear I never heard anyone call him Glen, so we just called him Billy) are the stuff of childhood abandonment nightmares: his dog dies, his sister basically ignores him (save for when her friends make him levitate into a lightbulb, which he shatters with his head), his best friend is dragged into the wall by a zombie repairman, his parents leave for the weekend (or are killed), only to return and dissolve in front of him, and to top it all off, his treehouse is torn down to reveal a gate to hell with a giant demon that sticks an eyeball in his hand.

Really? People thought this would be good for kids to watch? And how do I know that kids watched it? Because I saw this movie and so did just about everyone else I know born between 1977 and 1982 (the film came out in 1987). I hadn't seen it in years, but it's one nightmarish situation after the other, each escalating until Glen witnesses the literal creation of "hell on earth" and has to save the world by himself with a toy rocket. That's as close to whimsical as the movie gets, since it's really unclear whether his parents actually left or were murdered by the little demons running around in his house and backyard. I will say I was impressed that Glen's friend Terry (Louis Trip) was listening to Slayer and Iron Maiden at... let's be generous and say 11 (despite the fact that Trip was 14 when the film was made, it's clear that Glen and Terry are supposed to be preteens at best, and I'm leaning closer to 10 or 11 for Glen).

How do I know Terry was listening to Slayer? Well, other than the subplot about listening to Satanic metal albums, Terry is wearing not one but two different Slayer t-shirts during the film. It's really no wonder this generation turned out as warped as we did, considering that the "children's" entertainment we think fondly of is as demented and traumatizing as The Gate.

Up next: I'm going to put on Return of the Living Dead for the folks here and then go buy something no human should ever consume... the dreaded McGangbang.

Summerfest 3 Day Two: Killer Klowns from Outer Space

For tonight's final film, I'm handing over the reins to Guest Blogger Alicia, who had a less than ideal experience with Killer Klowns from Outer Space:



Ahhh--killer klowns. I was quite upset that we were watching this movie, because I dislike klowns, as many people do. Surprisingly, the movie was actually quite fun to watch. I did fall asleep throughout the film on and off, as many of us did. The acting was phenomenal, with a typical blonde 80's gal, her goof boyfriend, her cop ex-boyfriend, 2 ice cream truck drivers, and of course the klowns. The klowns were frightening, with jagged teeth and creepy smiles. They killed people by shooting them with some sort of laser gun that wrapped them in cotton candy like a cocoon. There were other ways they killed people too, but I apparently dozed off. Overall, this was an enjoyable film, klowns and all!

Summerfest 3 Day Two: Death Bed

There's a lot left to review, and as the Cap'n has already reviewed Death Bed: The Bed that Eats, allow me to say that a picture is worth a thousand words:



Up Next: Killer Klowns from Outer Space!

Summerfest 3 Day Two: Ghostbusters

I'm going to hand Ghostbusters over to the one person in the audience that had never seen the film, Mr. Phillippi. I know, it sounds like I'm lying, but as he'll demonstrate, the movie was a revelation - for all the wrong reasons:


Ghostbusters is a movie I've heard about since I was a small child growing up in Amish country in Pennsylvania. As the son of Pennsylvania Dutch emigrants from central Ohio I was not able to watch movies as a kid, as my parent's considered technology to be the devil's 'ology.' After nearly twenty years of build up I have to say that I was thoroughly disappointed with this piece of mid 80's tripe. The film was so predictable that everyone in the room was saying lines from this smutfest before they were even spoken in the film. The movie seemed to dwell not as much on the ghost-busting one might expect from the title as Bill Murray's pursuit of Sigourney Weaver's vagina. His constant smutty asides really ruined other parts of the movie that I might have enjoyed, such as Dan Aykroyd's encyclopedic and seemingly genuine knowledge of the science of parapsychology. Meanwhile Harold Ramis positively oozed sexuality in his role as the dreamy Dr Egon Spangler. His movie star good looks and forbidden science know-how really made him the finest portion of the movie. I was also upset by the treatment of William Atherton's hard working EPA investigator trying to stop these nucular-backpacked madmen as they reigned destruction across New York City. How these so-called "scientists" could not understand the dangers of nucular power after the disasters of 3 Mile Island and Chernobyl was simply disturbing. So I have to say that the build-up I've heard from my friends over the years was total BS and that I can assure you I will never watch this terrible movie again.

Summerfest 3 Day One: The Burning

"This movie could stand to have a lot more burning in it" - overheard during The Burning.

My eyes were drooping, my mind was fading into sleepville, but the Cap'n soldiered on. The promise of early Weinstein brothers Miramax slasher action was too much to pass up on. The Burning needed to be seen!

Or did it? Strangely, summer camp movies rarely make it into the Summerfest lineup. We've yet to watch a Sleepaway Camp film, and Friday the 13th's tend to find their way to Horror Fest, so The Burning provided us with what we assumed would be a happy one-two punch: a summer camp slasher movie from the golden age of slashing (the early 80s) and gore effects from arguably the F/X guy of the era - Tom Savini.

And while the story of Cropsy the groundskeeper was, um, compelling, there's a lot more "summer camp" than slashing in The Burning, and even less burning than you'd assume. Campers decide to pull a prank of Cropsy by sneaking a skull full of maggots into his cabin, which then manages to burn down the entire building and Cropsy in the process.

Then, for no good reason, we jump ahead a week (and then five years) while Cropsy (that's his name. nothing else) is healing in a hospital suspiciously close to Time's Square, so that he can roam the seedy streets, find a hooker, and kill her with gardening shears. Or maybe not. He kills most of the campers with garden shears, which he leaves behind (where does one find that many pairs of garden shears, anyway?) when he leaves the city to return to a different camp populated by kids that had nothing to do with "the burning" (oh! I get it... but wait, there's burning at the end to... where did Cropsy get that flame thrower?)

At this point, we abruptly leave the slasher film and move into Meatballs territory for a while. I hope you were looking forward to awkward teenagers wandering around and worrying about pervy Alfred and rape-y Eddy, who tend to get picked on by Glazer, camp counselor Todd and all of the girls. And lest I forget to mention him, Dave, the provider of contraband, is played by Jason Alexander. He's younger, svelte-er, and unfortunately more than willing to moon the camera, so Seinfeld fans get ready.

In fact, I need to take this opportunity to mention that The Burning launched the careers of many A- to B+ list actors. For example, in addition to being the first movie Jason Alexander was in, it's also the first film for Larry Joshua (Dances with Wolves, The X-Files), Fisher Stevens (Short Circuit, Bob Roberts), and Holly Hunter (Raising Arizona, The Piano). Somehow, it managed not to be their last film, which I suppose is a testament to the Weinstein brothers' ability to wrangle up and coming stars into d-grade slasher movies.

I could go on about how this summer camp has a tendency to leave the younger campers behind while the counselors take a rafting trip to an abandoned mine and fight a blowtorch wielding Cropsy (to be fair, he kills most of them before Todd and pervy Alfred use irony to finish what the other campers at THE OTHER CAMP started).

To be fair, the gore is pretty good. I mean, it's no The Prowler (which really only had gore going for it) as Savini-effects go, but he finds just enough to do with a pair of garden shears to keep us interested (which is about all you get, since Cropsy's mangled, melted visage is obscured until the very end of the film). When the body count gets going, Cropsy does a surprising amount of mass murder (the raft assault is rather impressive), but there's the whole first half of the movie where the audience inexplicably needs to be embroiled in the lives of preteens that are far more normal than one would expect in a slasher film.

We were hoping for a twist in this movie, and Nathan was convinced that we were in for a My Bloody Valentine-esque "Cropsy isn't Cropsy but actually Todd," but it was not to be. Scarred, horribly melty-faced Cropsy had an elaborate plan for revenge that he carried out on people who didn't have anything to do with "the burning" and in the mean time there was plenty of softball activity, skinny dipping, and exposed Jason Alexander ass. It's exactly what we needed at 3 in the morning!

Phillippi gives The Burning three severed fingers out of five, while Nathan is pretty sure he won't be watching it again.


Thanks to tonight's Summerfest 3 Groovie Ghoulies: Englund, Phillippi, Nathan, Riannon, Domenic, and Chris. See you tomorrow when we venture into the world of Ghostbusters, Death Beds, and Cook Out Adventures!

Also, stay tuned Saturday for the special McGangbang Challenge!!!

Summerfest 3 Day One: Leprechaun 3

"It was the Leprechauniest Leprechaun since Leprechaun 2" - overheard during the post-film smoke break.


At some point during Leprechaun 3, I turned to the others and asked "So how exactly did they make it six films into this series?" It's not that Leprechaun 3 is any worse than most direct-to-video films, or even worse than other films in its own series, but there's not a lot of movie to watch. The film follows a simple pattern: The Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) walks away from his pot of gold, someone takes a shilling, loses it, and the Leprechaun arrives too late to retrieve it. Rather than asking about the next person who took the coin, Leprechaun kills them and then wanders around aimlessly through Las Vegas, stopping in front of landmarks, making lousy jokes or terrible couplets like "I want my gold shilling. Tell me where it is or there will be another killing."

Directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith (Dead-End Drive In, Deathcheaters), Leprechaun 3 is almost a dry run for Wishmaster. Well, since none of the folks involved in Wishmaster had anything to do with Leprechaun 3, perhaps the term "rip-off" is more apropos: the Leprechaun grants wishes (a CD-ROM catches us up on all necessary leprechaun lore), but when he finds out the gold coin is no longer around, he inverts them ironically. For example, Loretta (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2's Caroline Williams) wants to no longer have sagging fake boobs and a terrible wig, so she wishes she looked more like Caroline Williams. Then Leprechaun shows up and makes her breasts, lips, and ass expand until she gets stuck in a doorway, then explodes. Then he says this:

"Now that was quite a load to have to explode. What a lovely lass, I had to blow up your ass but now I must hit the road!"

I suppose the story is really about Scott McCoy (John Gatins), a hayseed traveling to Los Angeles to go to college, until he decides to help magician's assistant Tammy Larsen (Lee Armstrong) get to the casino she works at, home of the Amazing Fazio (John DeMita). None of this has anything to do with the Leprechaun for about 70 of the film's 91 minutes, since Warwick Davis spends the first 30 minutes in a Pawn Shop and then another 40 minutes literally just walking around Las Vegas. He meets an Elvis impersonator, makes bad jokes, and generally doesn't kill anybody. It's exactly what you hoped for!

You might say the upside to Leprechaun 3 is how bad it is, but for my money the film lives and dies on the decision to turn Tommy into a leprechaun halfway into the film. You know this because after the Leprechaun bites him, he grows a unibrow, gets terrible teeth, and craves potatoes. Strangely, Trenchard-Smith couldn't find an actor that kinda looked like Scott but was leprechaun sized, so there's a giant leprechaun fighting Warwick Davis at the end. I never thought I'd actually type those words in one sentence, but there you go!

Up next: The Burning!

Summerfest 3 Day One: The Descent Part 2

I'm afraid that I'm going to be quick about this, because we're just about to start Leprechaun 3, which is considerably more alluring than writing about The Descent Part 2 again. As the Cap'n already reviewed the movie, I'm going to include that link here and give you a few thoughts on watching the film with a crowd:

- all of the film's problems (of which there are many) are compounded when less forgiving eyes are subjected to bad acting, pointless plot developments (it's true, if they're entering the cave through an elevator into a mine shaft, there's nothing Sarah can help them with AT ALL), and really bad acting.
- the gore, on the other hand, really does hold up and is punctuated well enough that you can forgive the crapitude that generally surrounds it.
- those may be the best lit caves I've ever seen, considering there's nowhere for a light source to be other than the spelunkers who brought virtually no gear.
- the film's plot holes, inconsistencies, and ill-conceived editing actually kept people interested between the excessive (read: awesome) gore shots.
- the ending still caught everybody unawares. It really does come out of left field.
- Brian Dennehy's brother would clearly be named Brian-Doyle Dennehy, and so will anybody else's brother for the rest of the night.


As the Cap'n just indicated, Leprechaun 3 is next (also known as "Warwick Davis wanders around Las Vegas for 90 minutes").

Summerfest 3 Day One: Werewolf in a Girls Dormitory and The Toxic Avenger

The madness has begun! Thanks to the streaming power of the internet and some PS3 chicanery, the Cap'n got started a little early by watching Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory, which - as many arriving guests warned others - is nowhere as interesting as the title suggests.

In fact, "Girl's Dormitory" may be a little misleading, since it's more like a Shutter Island for troubled teens. For example, our heroine (at least, I think so) Priscilla (Barbara Lass) is locked up for "attempted homicide" and her investigation into suspected werewolf activity may just be an elaborate set up by the institution to help her overcome the grief of mauling her friend Mary (Mary McNeeran). Actually, it's probably not, but I didn't actually finish the movie, so I don't know.

For about 45 minutes, we watched a "mystery" about Mary's death (spoiler: the werewolf kills her in the first ten minutes) without the benefit of anybody or thing we care about. If you're looking for a werewolf (or Ghoul, as IMDB lists the film), good luck; there's a kinda-werewolf looking thing near the beginning and then a whole lot of nothing until the 50 minute mark, when a dude that looks like a reject from Horror of the Blood Monsters stalks around in hairy gloves and a black body suit. I think.

What most of the run time we could bother ourselves with had to do with Priscilla trying to figure out which of the increasingly sketchy staff members was the killer (she assumes as wolf killed Mary, but doesn't know a WEREwolf did the deed, so we the audience are left playing the "which one is the wolf?" game). Is it the newly arrived Doctor Julian Alcott (Carl Schell), who transferred to the facility after being acquitted of murdering one of his patients? Is it Sir Alfred Whiteman (Maurice Marsac), the headmaster that may or may not be the subject of blackmail? The Peter Lorre-looking groundskeeper? The super sketchy assistant to the head Doctor? The head Doctor? The lady whose name I forgot? Why do so many of the dubbed actors seem to be speaking English? These are mysteries for the ages, because The Toxic Avenger was calling...

---

After we finished Troma's crown jewel, The Toxic Avenger, it became clear that not watching the movie since any of us were 11 does wonders in helping you forget EVERY SINGLE THING about the movie. Oh, I remembered the gore, and Toxie of course, but the mop that finishes off every corpse? The popcorn scene? Toxie's ability to know who is and isn't guilty by murdering them and letting the audience do the detective work? The incredibly well driven "car" scene? The flagrant theft of Death Race 2000's "scoring points" system?

We'd totally forgotten about them, along with almost every other nuance of this cult film. In a sense, it was like being able to watch the movie all over again, except much older and (slightly) more discerning. To say that the movie has high production values might be overstepping the boundaries a bit, but compared to how cheap The Toxic Avenger III and IV are, the original makes Chopping Mall look like... uh... well, Chopping Mall. Which is awesome, but also low budgeted, which I guess is where I was going with that.

Look, if you're watching a movie called The Toxic Avenger, and the "21st Anniversary" introduction from director (and Troma co-founder) Lloyd Kaufman is all about how Toxie is out of shape and now gay and somehow closes on Sgt. Kabukiman, NYPD, then you take what small pleasures you can get, and there are many to be had. Just set your threshold for being offended aside, because there's really no point letting this movie upset your delicate sensibilities.

Things we learned from The Toxic Avenger:

- in Tromaville, the local Mexican Restaurant sells Tacos, Milkshakes, and Pizza. They also keep samurai swords on the wall beneath the sombrero.
- "cornholing a blind chick" is on everybody's bucket list.
- the Mayor of Tromaville is also his receptionist.
- renting two tanks isn't that expensive, apparently.
- it was even cheaper to rent the gym, because almost 80% of the movie takes place there.
- exit signs are deceptive.
- two giant bags of coke are better than one if you're driving a flatbed truck with open barrels of toxic waste.
- taking a picture of a blind girl's dead dog and putting on her wall so she can remember him by NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE THE PICTURE is Toxie's finest hour.
- no, wait; killing the midget in the laundromat just moments after we've been introduced to the character is.
- you can write a script where it's just assumed the characters also know things only the audience has been exposed to.
- Toxie can selectively choose who / what is or isn't burned by his radiation.
- Not watching a movie for twenty years and then coming back to it is actually a better idea than you'd think.

Up next: The Descent Part 2!

Summerfest 3 Day One: [Rec] Double Feature

Kicking off Summerfest is a quick pair of reviews for [REC] and [REC] 2, two Spanish imports worth your time.

The cover for [Rec] proclaims "The Movie That Inspired Quarantine," which is perhaps a little too kind to Quarantine, which is anything but inspired once you've seen [REC]. I was kind to the American language remake when I reviewed it last year, but now that I've seen the original (which wasn't available at the time), I'm going to take a lot of that praise back.

Just a head's up, but if you've seen Quarantine, you've seen [REC]. The downside is you've seen a padded, less intense version of the film with actors you recognize. Watching [REC], I was surprised at how liberally Quarantine lifts from the original, which is why it's hard to use the word "inspired"; the truth is more along the lines of "the movie that Quarantine is a copy of."

But let's move away from comparing the movie to its remake and focus on the film itself. So Angela Vidal (Manuela Velasco) and Pablo (Pablo Rosso) are the host and cameraman (respectively) for a late night show called "While You Were Asleep," and they're filming in a Fire Station doing a kind of "Insomniac with Dave Attel" minus the booze. They ride along for a call and end up in an apartment building where something very strange is going on, only to have the night get much, much worse as it goes along.

There's not much more to the plot, to be honest with you. [REC] falls into the "Found Footage" sub-genre, although without the conceit that this film (or more likely, digital video) was located after the fact. We're watching the film as it's happening to Angela, Pablo, the Firemen, and the tenants of the building (plus two policemen and, eventually, a biohazard specialist). What looks like a zombie movie eventually turns in another direction (and beyond that in [REC] 2, which we'll get to in a moment), and the film moves at almost a breathless pace in the second half of its 78 minute running time.

I can't really argue with any of Vern's criticisms of the film because, well, they're spot on. Everything that happens in a "found footage" horror film happens here, and if you know the formula then each "cut" is going to be telegraphed ahead of time and easy to figure out where the next stage of the film is going. What I will say is that the reason [REC] worked for me is that once Angela and Pablo get into the Apartment building, the film becomes a Haunted House ride tethered to a subjective camera, and when it hits a full head of steam, the thrills and spills cancel out the predictability - and this is coming from someone who already knew how the movie played out from watching its remake.

The other reason I'm going to be kinder to [REC] is that [REC] 2 takes full advantage of the "ambiguous" ending of the first film and does what a good sequel should - it expands the story, stays true to what works, and makes the original better. You can't watch [REC] 2 without having seen the first film. I wouldn't even recommend seeing it if all you've watched is Quarantine (although I hear that Quarantine 2 is on its way, and I guarantee you it won't be as good), because this sequel is entirely dependent on your familiarity with the location, the characters, and the ending of the first film.

I can't really talk about [REC] 2 without spoiling the first film or discussing how Jaume Balagueró, Paco Plaza, and Manu Diez twist what the audience assumed it knew about the "virus" and what it really does. I'll tread cautiously for those of you hoping to catch the film when it opens later this summer, because while it's not a spoiler to tell you that most - if not all - of the cast from the first film is in the second, how they fit into the story would be.

[REC] 2 begins shortly after [REC] ends, and follows a SWAT unit into the quarantined apartment building. They're escorting Doctor Owen (Jonathan Mellor), who needs to recover a blood sample from Patient Zero, Niña Medeiros. (SPOILER ALERT) If you've seen the end of [REC], then you know that Medeiros was brought to the penthouse at the top of the building by a Priest (possibly an Exorcist) for research, and that her blood is the cause of the contagion that turns the tenants into rabid psychotics. [REC] 2 ups the ante by suggesting that not only is demonic possession biological and contagious, but also that it's not random in its dispersal around the building. The demon wants out of the building, and has the ability to use the infected as its eyes and ears.

The other interesting move is that they open up the "subjective" camera a little bit in the film: each member of the SWAT team has a helmet camera that Rosso (Pablo Rosso) can tap into through his digital camera. The argument for filming this time (rather than to "expose the truth") is that the team is ordered by Doctor Owen and their superiors to "document everything," so there aren't as many scenes of characters arguing about whether the camera should be on or not.

At 80 minutes, [REC] 2 works pretty much all the way through, save for two choices - one stylistic and the other plot oriented. Halfway through the film, the perspective switches from the SWAT team to some teenagers that break into the building from the basement, and while it does create a nice bridge in events that would merit a second viewing, I can't help but feel that the teenager subplot is a little superfluous, considering where the film ends up. Since the ending clearly sets up a third [REC] film, there's a good chance that a pretty big plot hole will be addressed, but on its own I question if the gimmick really works.

The other issue was with the insistence of Doctor Owen that the team stay in the building after their mission fails (it's really not a spoiler to say that it fails; the spoiler would be telling you why it fails) all the way up to the end of the movie. It's actually less interesting than the "why are you still filming this" through line of [REC], and at a certain point simply implausible. That being said, there's something else that happens - which I won't spoil, but I advise you stay away from IMDB or any terribly specific reviews - that more than makes up for this, and sends the film in a slightly predictable but well executed twist. (It's not that you can't figure out the twist well before it happens, but the flashback that explains a seeming plot hole from the end of [REC] to the beginning of [REC] 2 actually makes rewatching both films more enticing.)

Overall, I'm going to say that as a pair of films, [REC] and [REC] 2 are well worth your time, even if you've already seen the remake (Quarantine). The second film really makes the first worth watching, and while it has a few minor flaws, it does manage to up the ante and take the story in new and unexpected directions. Not a bad way to kick off the 'Fest.

The Greensboro Summerfest Massacre Part 3 Lineup

Here it is, ladies and germs. Your official Greensboro Summerfest Massacre Part 3 lineup for July 1st-3rd, 2010.

The Main Attractions:

Basket Case

The Stuff

Fright Night


The Descent Part 2

The Gate


Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

The Evil Dead

C.H.U.D.

Ghostbusters


Thankskilling


Bad Taste


The Call of Cthulhu

The Burning


Night of the Living Dead

Cheerleader Camp

Return of the Living Dead


The Toxic Avenger

Leprechaun 3

The Crazies

The Navy vs. The Night Monsters

Featuring Special Guest Films:

Chopping Mall

Planet Terror


Killer Klowns from Outer Space

Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead

Critters

Howling III: The Marsupials


Dawn of the Dead (2004)

The House of the Devil

Special Appearance By:

Doctor Re-Animator

Several people have asked, but there will be NO Field Trip film this year. Twilight: Eclipse is the only remotely "horror" related film in theatres near Summerfest, and I'm not interested in subjecting any of us to that. We're here to have fun this time!