Blogorium Review: Monsturd

"Cap'n, you watched a movie called Monsturd?!"

Sometimes, gang, you eat the bear. Sometimes, the bear eats you. The Cap'n had been gently prodded in the direction of watching the movie Monsturd for a few months by Professor Murder, and despite my normal inclination and enthusiasm for "trash cinema", I'd held off on seeing it for one reason. You see, in the past people have suggested that the Cap'n will watch literally anything. I've mentioned this before when explaining that there are, in fact, movies I do not have any inclination of seeing (The Human Centipede, AvP:R, The Back-Up Plan, and Avatar for varying reasons).

It gets hard to defend this case when in the last month, I willingly paid money to see Predators, The Expendables, and Piranha 3-D. One Inception does not outweigh three movies that are at best an uphill battle in justifying. Did I enjoy all four movies? In different ways, certainly. Do I really want to get in a "high art" vs. "low art" debate again? Well, not yet; I'm saving that for next week. Am I perfectly willing to admit that by the standards of "high" and "low" even within the genre that Piranha 3-D or The Expendables are not going to be the "top" of their respective lists? Pretty much.

Look, I could point to a dozen reviews in the archives that aren't movies I'd have to fight to get you interested in. I could point to another dozen reviews of truly shitty movies. The Cap'n can do both, and I probably should review more of the "good" movies I've seen. But in the spirit of "pun intended," they don't get much shittier than Monsturd.

After a smidgen of "frame narrative" involving a frightened daughter who can't sleep telling her father a "scary bedtime story", we're introduced to Butte County, California, where Dutech Industries is experimenting with genetic material when all goes horribly awry. Dr. Stern (Dan Burr) decides to dump some of his highly volatile concoction into the sewer system, not long after Butte County prisoner / serial killer Jack Schmidt (Brad Dosland) has escaped. When Schmidt falls into a mixture of waste and the volatile concoction, he becomes the Monsturd, a creature capable of sneaking into people's houses through their toilets and continuing to murder (plus leave terrible puns smeared in feces all over their bathroom). Can Sherriff Duncan (Paul Weiner) and his deputies (writer/directors Dan West and Rick Popko), along with FBI Agent Hannigan (Beth West) stop Schmidt / Monsturd before Dr. Stern uses the mutant to his own evil ends?

Yeah, Monsturd is that kind of movie. In addition to being in Butte County, or naming the evil corporation Dutech, or even having a villain named Jack Schmidt, Monsturd manages to throw in just about every terrible and obvious scatological joke or pun you can think of. There's another character named Johnny Waters (get it? John Water! Ha!) and the cops get their coffee at the Morning Due Cafe (actually a real place according to the credits). If there's a cheap poop joke, don't think that West and Popko avoid it.

In all fairness, Dan West and Rick Popko made a reasonably watchable slasher movie with next to no budget. What little budget they did have was spent on the alternately cheap and disgusting Monsturd suit, which is constantly dripping brown liquid on its victims and generally pulls off the impression of a shit monster on camera. If I hadn't already seen Dogma, the Cap'n would hope he'd never have to write that last sentence, but the Monsturd is actually probably grosser than Kevin Smith's Golgothan. Talk is cheap, and a picture is worth a thousand words, so here's the Monsturd at its absolute cheapest, but it gives you some idea how gross the effect is when dripping... ugh.


When I say most of the budget went to the Monsturd suit, I can prove it by showing you folks the opening shot of the film, which is the house our frame story takes place in:


and for good measure, here's the alternate poster artwork, which does suggest how gross a shit monster could look:


I'm not proud saying that Monsturd was at least better than most of the DTV horror films I've seen, even if it is the weaker half of a Thankskilling / Monsturd double feature. I chuckled a few times, was pretty grossed out by the Monsturd kills, and groaned a lot. It's definitely an acquired taste, and maybe not as corny or as shitty as the Cap'n wants to make it out to be (see what I did there?), even if the heroes fill Supersoakers with Pepto Bismol and put diapers on as protective armor (don't get me started on the "millions of flies" that a scientist delivers in a dog carrier).

Could it be enjoyed? Maybe by some of the hardcore horror fans I know that have a tolerance for the combination of "very low budget" and "bad jokes involving fecal matter," and there are maybe two of you out there. So check it out, but don't tell anybody you did. Don't make the same mistake the Cap'n did...