Shocktober Revisited: Mad Ron's Prevues from Hell

 This review originally appeared in 2010.

Sometimes, it pays to follow your gut. When I read a review of Mad Ron's Prevues from Hell, a review that said at best the trailer compilation was a "rental," I filed the title away in my head until I saw the DVD at Hastings. The Cap'n is something of a trailer freak, and I love a good compilation - I own all of the 42nd Street Forever discs, All Monsters Attack, and am trying to get ahold of Stephen Romano's Shock Festival set - so despite the fact that Mad Ron's Prevues from Hell was clearly duped from a 1987 VHS copy, Professor Murder and I sat down for 83 minutes of preview mayhem.

Mad Ron's Prevues from Hell isn't just a trailer compilation; director Jim Monaco places the clips in between a sort-of "frame story," involving a movie theatre invaded by the living dead. Mad Ron, the projectionist, threads trailers for the ghastly, the exploitative, and the extremely violent while we're "entertained" by Nick (Nick Pawlow) and his zombie dummy Happy. Happy tells... well, I'd be lying if I called them "jokes," but that's what the tape-turned-DVD wants you to regard them as. When Nick and Happy aren't cracking wise, the "film" (I'm using that very loosely) cuts away to zombies getting into hi jinks like pouring blood on popcorn, eating guts, and pulling eyeballs out.

I suppose it's worth noting (because the back of the DVD does) that the effects were done by Jordu Schell, who later went on to work on Avatar, and the gore is pretty good. The tape itself feels like a "let's put on a show" production from locals who wanted to play the living dead while trailers string the story together. They aren't always horror, but you're in for a pretty good selection of full frame, fuzzy, beat up ads for films like Three on a Meathook, Torso, House of Exorcism, The Wizard of Gore, Flesh Feast, Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things, Fangs of the Living Dead, Black Christmas (advertised as Silent Night, Evil Night), Sisters, and Mad Doctor of Blood Island.

Towards the end, the trailers wander off into exploitation territory, with movies like Africa Addio (identified here as Africa Blood and Guts), Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS, and some 3-D porno which is presented partially in 3-D (in case you have glasses handy). Does it run a little long? Maybe. Are the Nick and Happy segments kinda tedious? Oh, you bet. Does the anti-piracy warning at the end serve any purpose other than one more gore effect? Not really.

Despite the very low budget-ed nature of Mad Ron's Prevues from Hell, the myriad of detracting factors working against it, and the fact that it's clearly just a video cassette plopped onto a DVD, I'm highly considering showing the disc at Horror Fest during pre-festivities. It's just entertaining enough that audiences in the right frame of mind could get a kick out of the old school vibe.

Summer Fest Recap: Day One

 Greetings, virtual Summer Fest-ers! Welcome to Cap'n Howdy's handy recap-o-rama-rama, covering all of your Hyde Park Summer Fest Massacre Part 6 needs!

 This year I'm going to try something a little different in covering the films watched during the Fest. Instead of full write-ups that take much longer and give away too much, I'm going to appropriate the structure of "Hamlet Week" from a few years ago to give you some idea how these movies work in tandem with each other. Fest entries often have some shared elements, and you'll find that many selections this year overlap in the most unusual ways.

 We started the Fest with:

 Creature with the Atom Brain

 Year of Production: 1955

 What's the Haps, Cap?: Gangster Frank Buchanan (Michael Granger) wants revenge on men who betrayed him, so he forces ex-Nazi scientist Dr. Wilhelm Steigg (Gregory Gay) to reanimate the dead using radioactive blood and electrodes implanted in the brain. They are controlled by Buchanan's voice and take vengeance on his enemies. Police are baffled and eventually declare Marshal Law on "Our City."

 Who's the Hero?: Dr. Chet Walker (Richard Denning), who works in the police laboratory, along with his brother(?) Capt. Dave Harris (S. John Launer). They try to work out the source of the radiation and the common element between murders, until (SPOILER) Buchanan kills Dave and uses him to get to the targets in police custody. Dave also shows up at Chet's house, confuses his wife, Joyce (Angela Stevens), and daughter Penny (Linda Bennett). Zombie Dave breaks Penny's doll, presumably because, in death, he's a jerk.

 Bad Science: Chet mixes up a radioactive concoction in the police laboratory using chemicals on his desk to prove that the blood they found wasn't blood. Buchanan and Steigg's highly radioactive lab is accessed through a plastic tunnel that's open on both sides and is attached to a door that anybody could open at any time. Planes specially rigged to detect high amounts of radiation repeatedly fly over Steigg's "shed" and never find anything. The device that controls Steigg's zombies kinda looks like The Tingler.

 Other Bad Ideas:  Chet jumps out of a car moving at high speeds and shows no signs of injury. He also shares confidential police investigation information with Joyce, who then tells Zombie Dave / Buchanan everything needed to kill men in protective custody. Nobody notices the obvious scars from brain surgery. Buchanan's suit is too big. Never give your producers a role that requires them to say more than one line of dialogue. Other characters calling Dr. Chet Walker "Joe" throughout the film.

 Unusually Progressive Moments: Penny gives her girl doll a boy's name, and argues with Dr. Chet Walker when he protests. This is offset by Chet's casual ass-slap of Joyce when he comes home from work. The Ex-Nazi scientist objects to Buchanan's plan and wanted to use his experiments for good, although it's not clear how.

 Recurring Summer Fest Themes: Geiger Counter, Questionable Science, Using the Dead for Nefarious Purposes, Marshal Law, Monsters That Hate Radios, Explosions in Close Proximity to Actors, German Doctors.

 Final Prognosis: Creature with the Atom Brain starts off with a bang, becomes a boring procedural, and then has a surprisingly violent conclusion. Lots of bad science and examples of 1950s casual sexism. We're continually introduced to characters by seeing their name and job title on an office door. It wasn't clear that Dr. Chet Walker was the hero until about halfway in, but the ending kind of makes up for the lackluster mid-section. It's always nice to start the Fest with some Bad Science.

 Remote Control

 Year of Production: 1988

 What's the Haps, Cap?: Aliens are using a videotape called "Remote Control" to beam a signal to Earth. Anyone who watches the tape is driven to murder, and only two video store clerks can save the day...

 Who's the Hero?: Cosmo (Kevin Dillon), Georgie (Christopher Wynne), and later on, Belinda (Deborah Goodrich). Jennifer Tilly appears briefly as Allegra (with a truly 80s hairdo), but is killed by Victor (Frank Beddor), Belinda's boyfriend. Oops, SPOILER.

 Bad Science: Ummmm the aliens also try to send their signal through a plastic antenna in the "Remote Control" store display?

Other Bad Ideas: Cosmo kills a police officer, steals his car, and wonders why people are chasing him. When our heroes discover the company responsible for Remote Control (run by Asians, plus the grandpa from TerrorVision) has a truck full of tapes with a delivery list, they follow the list but don't destroy the tapes inside. Cosmo tries to woo Belinda by watching a dubbed version of Truffaut's Stolen Kisses, and it doesn't work out for him. Never give Cosmo a gun - he's a terrible video store employee, but a great killer.

Uniquely 80s Moments: Other than everything about Jennifer Tilly in the movie? Well, Remote Control is about video stores and tapes, so if you tune out of the movie, there are many opportunities to get lost in background details. Posters and VHS artwork are just about everywhere in the film, and director Jeff Lieberman (Squirm, Satan's Little Helper) and his production designers have a great eye for finding weird juxtapositions. In what other movie would you find a copy of Tess next to the remake of The Postman Always Rings Twice? Also, every video store in Los Angeles had the poster for House, according to this movie. Make sure to check out the Retro club, which for 1988 is anything but.

 Wait, Did You Say All the Villains Are Asian?: According to the IMDB trivia, Lieberman did this as a tribute to Japanese sci-fi movies from the 1950s and 60s, so I guess that's... okay? I should point out the Main villains are Asian - lots of possessed people are just normal 1980s Caucasians.

Recurring Summer Fest Themes: Aliens, Films Released in the Same Year, Explosions, Mind Control, Killing the Most Interesting Character Off Too Early, Boring Main Character, Vehicular Chicanery.

 Interesting Sidenote: During Remote Control, not a single person could name one other movie Kevin Dillon had been in. I forbade the use of IMDB until after the film was over, at which point we realized how many he had been in that we had seen. Still, without looking it up, name one.

Final Prognosis: Remote Control is an amusing sibling to TerrorVision. It's not quite as campy, and Kevin Dillon has about as much charisma in this film as a toaster, but it moves at a brisk pace, is unusual enough to keep you invested, and has a ton of background details to smooth over the bumps. The only way to get it at the moment is to order it from the director (like I did), but if you like TerrorVision, it's worth considering.


 The Visitor

 Year of Production: 1979

 What's the Haps, Cap?: Uh... Well, have you ever seen The Omen? It's kind of like that, except not.

 Who's the Hero?: Well, I guess maybe the title character, played by director John Huston (The Treasure of the Sierra Madre). He's from outer space, and after interrupting Space Jesus (Franco Nero)'s story about the evil General Sateen, he flies - via Eastern Airlines - to Atlanta to hang out on rooftops with a bunch of bald dudes. Eventually he starts stalking Katy Collins (Paige Conner), the improbably Southern daughter of Barbara Collins (Joanne Neil) and Dr. Sam Collins (Sam Peckinpah). Katy is also somehow the progeny of Sateen, and has psychic powers that she uses to mess with basketball players and people ice skating. Oh, and she has a pet falcon, that she keeps inside of their apartment.

 What the Hell is This Movie???: I know, right? Nothing about The Visitor makes any sense, and I'm not even halfway through the setup of the plot. Barbara is divorced from Sam and is dating Raymond Armstead (Lance Henriksen), who owns The Atlanta Rebels basketball team and is also part of a secret cabal of Sateen worshipers run by Dr. Walker (Mel Ferrer), who want him to impregnate Barbara with a boy, because that would be better than Katy. Also, when Katy accidentally(?) shoots her mother in the spine during a birthday party, a nanny / housekeeper (Shelley Winters) comes in and slaps the living hell out of Katy. Detective Jake Dunham (Glenn Ford) is investigating the shooting, until Katy calls him a pervert and the falcon causes some serious vehicular mayhem. Did I mention that most of this paragraph happens before the halfway point of The Visitor?

Bad Science: Take a look at the first two entries. See anything that sounds remotely plausible in there? I guess after Raymond fails and Dr. Walker sends him away, the cabal stages an "alien invasion" that results in Barbara being pregnant (how she drives while paralyzed and without hand controls isn't even addressed), so she has to go to Sam for an abortion. Peckinpah was so drunk that most of his scene is dubbed, with random cutaways to cover points where they clearly had no usable footage. I guess the worst science involves Huston, who stands on the roof and makes lights appear. He also takes a plane from outer space to Atlanta, and can't seem to walk down stairs in a timely fashion.

 Other Bad Ideas: Well, when the Italian producer and director decided they didn't like the screenwriter's rip-off of The Omen, they continued changing it and eventually fired the writer. The music is jarringly inappropriate for almost every scene, but my favorite is what we dubbed the "walking up the stairs" theme for the titular character. It's so bombastic and juxtaposed with, I kid you not, walking up stairs. Nothing else. We couldn't wait to hear it again. The final scene, where pigeons and a few doves attack Katy, features one of the fakest looking plastic birds I've ever seen. The Visitor is pretty much just one Bad Idea after another.

 Recurring Summer Fest Themes: Aliens, Evil Scientists, Animal Related Mayhem, Psychic Powers, Southern Accents, Vehicular Chicanery.

 Final Prognosis: I'd be hard pressed to call The Visitor a good, or even competent movie. It's almost impossible to follow in any way, so you're better off not trying to figure out what's happening or why. However, as movie watching experiences go, there's really nothing quite like The Visitor. It starts out like a realized version of Jodorowsky's Dune, and just gets weirder from there. Just be prepared to say "What?!" a lot, and collapse into fits of uncontrollable laughter.


 Tales from the Crypt Presents Demon Knight

 Year of Production: 1995

 What's the Haps, Cap?: Brayker (William Sadler) is a man on the run. He's somewhere in New Mexico, in a high speed chase with Billy Zane (Billy Zane) in hot pursuit. Brayker runs out of gas and decides to bring a gun to a car fight in the middle of the road, which works about as well as you would think it might. But somehow both of them survive and Brayker sneaks into Wormwood, NM, where he tries to steal a car, but some dumb kid (Ryan Sean O'Donohue) rats him out. He has some wino booze with wino "Uncle" Willy (Dick Miller) and decides to crash at a motel that used to be a church. He meets the owner (CCH Pounder), a prostitute (Brenda Bakke), a mailman (Charles Fleischer), and Jeryline (Jada Pinkett), who is on work release and cleans the stoves (badly). When Billy Zane and two cops (Gary Farmer and John Schuck) show up shortly after Roach (Thomas Haden Church), we hit the magic number on Brayker's palm, and... demons.

 Who's the Hero?: I guess that'd be Brayker, although nobody seems to agree with that until almost everybody is dead. One could make an argument that the Cryptkeeper (John Kassir) is our hero, since he's presenting this here movie, but if it's not Brayker, I guess it's Jesus. SPOILER if you say that out loud 45 seconds before the first flashback, like Cranpire did.

 Wait... Jesus?: Yeah, but not Space Jesus. Just regular old crucified Jesus. His blood is what the first Demon Knight captures in a "key" to the universe that Demons want. The blood protects you and prevents Demons from crossing thresholds. Demon blood, on the other hand, makes more Demons. Or, at least, Billy Zane blood does anyway. It's the same color as what I imagine the radioactive blood in Creature with the Atom Brain would look like.

 And You're Saying Billy Zane Plays Himself?: I can understand your confusion, but we can all pretend he's more like the boring characters he plays in Titanic or The Phantom if you prefer. I'd like to think that the dude who is practically gnawing on the scenery in Demon Knight is the REAL Billy Zane, and that he had one opportunity to let loose and just be himself. Even if the rest of the cast weren't a "who's who" of "that guy!" Demon Knight would be a no brainer just to watch Zane own the screen.

 Bad Science: None that I can think of. Maybe Brayker surviving the car explosion. I get why Billy Zane survived, but not so much Brayker. Demon Knights are surprisingly when it comes to injuries. Also, when Zane punches through the Sherriff's skull (SPOILER), his arm gets stuck, which seems more plausible than when Jason Voorhees does it. Roach also lets someone hook jumper cables to his nipples - that doesn't seem safe.

 Other Bad Ideas: Well, Billy Zane uses his demon powers to lure people into doing his bidding - also known as turning them into Demons who try to steal they key. Uncle Willy is lured in by Zane as a bartender and surrounded by topless woman and at least one porn star. Since Willy is a lush, I don't even know why he needed the women, but Gratudity sells, right? Roach doesn't even try to make a deal, he just gives the damn thing to Billy Zane, because Brayker is "kinda bossy." At least we get to see Billy Zane pop a sponge out of his mouth. I can't leave this section without mentioning how unhygienic Jeryline is for (SPOILER) covering herself with the blood in the key just to kill Billy Zane's buzz when she (DOUBLE SPOILER) takes over as Demon Knight. I mean, yeah, Jesus and stuff, but that's blood going back millenia. Gross. Also, it came from (TRIPLE SPOILER) Brayker's heart, and (QUADRUPLE SPOILER) Demon Possessed Kid's Gene Simmons Tongue had been all up in there. Not very sanitary, if you ask me.

 Uniquely 90s Moments: The opening credits / car chase play over Filter's "Hey Man, Nice Shot." If there's a better time capsule of something that was cool for one year and one year only, that'll do it. I guess there's another post-grunge song that plays during the credits, but I already forgot what it was.

 Recurring Summer Fest Themes: Gratudity, Vehicular Chicanery, Mind Control, Using the Dead for Nefarious Purposes, Southwestern Locations, Religious Imagery

 Final Prognosis: As Tales from the Crypt movies go, I still prefer the Amicus version from the 1970s, but if it's post-TV show, I'm going with Demon Knight over Bordello of Blood. This is far and away the best thing Billy Zane ever did, and he owns every moment he's on screen. It's cool to go back and see a pre-Big Willie Style Jada Pinkett take control of the movie, or that someone built a film around William Sadler. The cast is so much fun because you don't usually get to see any of them showcased, let alone all of them (this was almost ten years before Sideways, and if you say "I liked Thomas Haden Church on Ned and Stacey," you're lying. Maybe Wings - I know Cranpire likes Wings.) Anyway, Demon Knight is just fun, and if you somehow think "Ernest Dickerson... why do I know that name" after the "directed by" credit, it's because he was Spike Lee's cinematographer. The director of Demon Knight shot Do the Right Thing. And that's a good thing.


 Join us tomorrow for even more Summer Fest madness, gang! We have so many movies to come...

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

 Welcome back, saps and saplings! It is I, Douglas Fir, your coniferous overlord! I've tied up Cap'n Howdy and locked him in the closet given the Cap'n the day off to do whatever it is he's been doing instead of reviewing Madea's Christmas, and now it's time for your most benevolent overlord to provide you with some TREE-mendous merriment.

 As some of you pathetic sacks of meat know, Douglas Fir spends all of his time not used to bring about the Treepocalypse to track down sufficient video evidence of your impending doom, and while I seek high and low, I find myself PINE-ing for something worthy of sharing with you. Until this year, that is! Yes, this year, I found just the right son of a BIRCH with an eye to portray the holidays for what it truly is to my people, and to hint at the Treepocalypse to come. Then I, Douglas Fir, will assume the throne you will all cower before my greatness.

 In the meantime, here is a documentary about what is to come, called TREEVENGE:

Treevenge from jasoneisener on Vimeo.


 ALL WILL BOW BEFORE ME!!!!!!!!!!

Blogorium Review: The Expendables 2

 Around this time two years ago, the Cap'n was way out west and The Expendables was in theatrical release. There was a bit of a kerfuffle on the internet* because The Expendables opened against Scott Pilgrim vs. the World and Scott Pilgrim lost. I may have had a thing or two to say about that, because they selectively chose to denigrate The Expendables even though Scott Pilgrim also came in behind Eat Pray Love, Inception, and The Other Guys as well. But The Expendables weathered the storm, even with some shaky hand-held action chicanery and over-earnest monologue-ing from Mickey Rourke.

 It was a throwback to action movies that managed to upset action movie (no pun intended) die-hards for its adherence to new action movie techniques (see: hand-held camerawork during fight scenes) and also upset the kind of people who pretend to be action movie fans but actually just assume that it means every "action" movie is exactly like Commando or YouTube compilations of Steven Seagal kicking people through windows. I saw both kinds of reactions, and both camps seemed to say "boo hoo, it didn't meet my expectations so it sucks." And okay, it wasn't the movie it could have been, but to expect The Expendables to be the last twenty minutes of Rambo for two hours is absurd.

 To expect any action movie to consistently be as ridiculous as Commando is asking too much. People tend to forget that Commando has a few (not many, but a few) scenes where Arnold isn't punning or brutally murdering people. Predator has a LOT of those moments, and so does Die Hard and First Blood. Even Bloodsport has a story, threadbare though it may be. I know, you're shocked, but it's more than a 90 minute string of explosions and arterial spray, and other than maybe Bloodsport, I think you'd consider those to be some of the best films the action genre has to offer.

 But anyway, so we got past The Expendables and the people who didn't automatically feel "disappointed" it were pleasantly entertained, even if it wasn't great. And now, without the burden of political careers or Scott Pilgrims, there's a sequel. So how was The Expendables 2?

 Basically, it's exactly what it needs to be. Not a whole lot more, and certainly with things that improve on the first film but also some changes that I wouldn't really call "improvements." Still, overall I have to say that it delivers on the action, has a few good laughs (and a lot of chuckles / groaners) and is going to provide the "popcorn entertainment" quota for late summer action. It doesn't feel bloated like a Battleship or unnecessarily convoluted like a Bourne Legacy, and for the most part West and the cast get things right about where they need to be.

 This time, since they killed off "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and Eric Roberts, there was a need for new villains, so Stallone and director Simon West (Con Air, The Mechanic) brought in Scott Adkins (Undisputed II, The Bourne Ultimatum) and Jean-Claude Van Damme (JCVD, Universal Soldier) to give Barney Ross and his crew some real trouble.

  The first thing The Expendables 2 does better than The Expendables is streamline the plot: instead of some kind of rogue-CIA agent funding a military coup / dictatorship in a fictional South American country that our team are vaguely invested in, Van Damme's Villane / Villain (it depends on what site you check) makes good on the promise implied by the name "expendables" by kicking Barney (Stallone)'s knife into the chest of a team member. (SPOILER ALERT) To be fair, it's kind of a cheat because a) it's the new "Expendable" Billy (Liam Hemsworth), the sniper who announces two scenes earlier that he wants to leave the team to be with his girlfriend, and b) because Liam Hemsworth is mostly in the movie so they could use his last name in the trailer to trick you into thinking it was his older brother Chris, prompting guys to say "Oh shit! Thor is in The Expendables 2" when in reality it's just the dude from The Hunger Games. In fairness, he does blow a guy's head off with his sniper rifle and holds his own for a while.

 Anyway, Villane and his crew the Sangs (who have goat tattoos on their necks for a reason Van Damme sort-of explains) steal the layout of a Russian mine where weapons grade plutonium is stored from our heroes, so the movie becomes a combination of "stop them from selling the plutonium" and "get revenge on this asshole" that invests the audience in the story. I'd be lying if I said we get to know more about the individual members on the Expendables - Jet Li leaves after the first action sequence, providing a waffling "maybe I'll be back, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll start a new life." and then parachuting out of the plane.

 Randy Couture and Terry Crews don't get much more to do than they did in the first one, Jason Statham only gets two scenes to really show off (one in a church and the other fighting Adkins at the end), but I guess it's nice that Dolph Lundgren has a few defining character quirks introduced this time around. Stallone (who co-wrote the screenplay with Richard Wenk) incorporates some of Lundgren's actual life into Gunner's character by making him a former chemical engineer (and Fulbright Scholar) who worked at a nightclub "to impress a girl" (all true, although I'm not sure if he was working at the club to impress a girl or because he was a 3rd degree black belt.) It makes up for the notable absence of Mickey Rourke, even if that means we're spared another monologue about the value of human life.

 Most of the focus in the film is on Stallone or the new / returning characters. In addition to Hemsworth's Billy, when Jet Li takes off before the title screen, Church (Bruce Willis) tells Barney that Maggie (Nan Yu from Speed Racer and Lundgren's Diamond Dogs) is going to join them on the mission to retrieve that map Villane steals. Maggie can hold her own, and is in a lot of ways more interesting than most of the guys on the team. She also gives Stallone the opportunity to be funnier because Barney Ross is so uncomfortable around women that he just can't understand why she keeps flirting with him. Van Damme is also good to see, although if you've seen Universal Soldier: Regeneration or JCVD, you know he's more than capable of putting his weathered face to use as an imposing adversary. He's a bad guy out for the money, but the Sangs have a code built around respect, so he's very particular about how he deals with the Expendables.

 Oh, and then there's the other driving force of the film, which provides for some of the best (and also worst) adjustments between the last movie and this one: Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Chuck Norris. Of the three, only Willis really seems to be playing a character, as Norris and Schwarzenegger are basically playing their personas. Case in point: Chuck Norris, introduced after killing an entire Sang team and blowing up a tank, walks into frame to the theme from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (?), is identified (repeatedly) as a "Lone Wolf," and proceeds to provide a "Chuck Norris Fact" in the span of three minutes.

 And look, it's kind of funny at first, until he leaves shortly thereafter and it's clear that when (and if) he shows up again that's all he's going to be used for. He's a walking reference to the fact that people mythologized Chuck Norris. But then we get to Arnold, reprising his cameo from the last film as Trench, who is a walking "one-liner": he says "I'm back" or "I'll be back" repeatedly, and when Chuck Norris walks up next to him, I kid you not Schwarzenegger says "Who is next? Rambo?" It's like Arnold wrote all of his dialogue for the film and delivers it in the worst possible way (seriously, when he has things to say relevant to the plot, the delivery is much better).

 Oh, and then there's this exchange between Church and Trent:

 Trent: I'm almost out. Stay here - I'll be back.
 Church: No, you've been back enough. I'LL BE BACK.
 Trent: Yippie-ky-yay.

  The walking, talking reference to your more famous movies is a little groan-worthy, but it is mostly contained near the end, where Statham was a pretty good knife fight with the largely unused Adkins (seriously, check out some of his movies), Stallone has a better fight with Van Damme (even if they re-use footage of one of JCVD's high kicks right after he did it the first time), and I have to say that I laughed at Arnold and Bruce in the Smart Car and Chuck Norris' use of an airport scanner. That said, it's not exactly the direction I was hoping to see these movie go in. We're seeing them because we know who these action stars are, not because we want to be reminded of their "greatest hits." That just reinforces the assumption that The Expendables as a series is a glorified YouTube compilation of action tropes.

 But overall it's a fun time at the movies. I really enjoyed Van Damme and Statham's "I now pronounce you man and knife" and Dolph Lundgren being a part of the team (and failing miserably to impress Maggie) and let's be honest here: there's something cool about seeing Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger standing side by side and shooting at Jean-Claude Van Damme and assorted goons. I still wish that Randy Couture and Terry Crews had more time to shine, but I guess the third movie is an inevitability, so there's always next time, right?

 Oh, one final note: so Simon West made Con Air (which I liked) and The Mechanic (which was a serviceable but not great Jason Statham vehicle) and also a few other things I didn't see or didn't like (The General's Daughter and Lara Croft: Tomb Raider respectively), so I didn't really know what to expect here. The Mechanic was competently shot but the action scenes were few and far between, so it was hard to say what we'd get here. I'm happy to say it's mostly an improvement over the impossible to watch fight scenes in The Expendables (I'm looking at you, Lundgren / Li fight), so that's an improvement over Stallone. The pre-title sequence was good and easy to follow other than awkward framing in the Jet Li "knives vs frying pan" scene. Still, I don't think the series has quite found a director that can convey the action in a way that does it justice. So that's something to think about for next time, if you ask me. And by that I don't mean the movie leaves itself blatantly open-ended - it has a beginning, middle, and an end, but it's clear there can (and more than likely will) be more Expendables adventures. I mean, the producer has to make good on promising Wesley Snipes, Harrison Ford, Nicolas Cage, and Clint Eastwood for part 3**!


 So yeah, if you didn't like the last one I'm sure you'll find lots of things not to like about The Expendables 2. And to be fair, it's not like they knocked it out of the park. It's more like a "ground rule double" of action films, which is probably less than what you expected with this kind of lineup but it's getting them in place for a grand slam. I hope, anyway.


 * Interesting tidbit: Auto-Correct didn't even blink when I typed the word "kerfuffle" even though I'm positive I've never used that term before on the Blogorium and I'm honestly surprised to think that it might qualify as an actual word with a working definition.
** Two of the four names will be in that movie, and I bet you can guess which ones.

Retro Review: The Austin Powers Trilogy

 Well, this shouldn't take long. I don't like Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, or Austin Powers in Goldmember.

 That was easy.

 Oh, you wanted more than that. A "retro review" is supposed to be a reconsideration of a particular film or series of films, putting them in their original context and then tracing the way they change with audiences. Who said that? I said that? That doesn't sound like something I'd say. It is though?

 Damn. Okay, let's do it your way then.

  In 1997, based on his Mike Myers' track record from Saturday Night Live, Wayne's World, and So I Married an Axe Murderer, young Cap'n went to see Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. I wasn't as familiar with the spy genre, specifically the "Flint" series of films, and more broadly the goofy version of spy films from the 1960s. I certainly hadn't seen Casino Royale and there's a strong chance I'd only seen one or two of the proper James Bond films at that point. But hey, it's Mike Myers playing an international super spy and a madman! How bad could it be?

 I don't really remember feeling one way or another about the film, other than thinking it was really stupid. I remember not liking the scene with Will Ferrell as Mustafa, mostly because I really hated Will Ferrell on Saturday Night Live in 1997 and didn't find him to be very funny in the movie. It's been so long since I saw the film that I couldn't tell you much about it, although for reasons I don't quite understand I ended up having Austin Powers on VHS and that it made periodic appearances in college.

  Here's the part where the "reconsideration" comes into play: in the summer of 1999, I was really looking forward to Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. I don't know why. Let's argue, just for the hell of it, that because the summer of 1999 was a big magical when it came to the plethora of movies EVERYBODY wanted to see. For example: South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, American Pie, Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace, The Mummy, The Blair Witch Project, Eyes Wide Shut, The Haunting, Bowfinger, Mystery Men, Detroit Rock City, The Sixth Sense, Runaway Bride, Deep Blue Sea, and Wild Wild West.

 What was that? Not the last two? Really? Surely Deep Blue Sea. No?

 Let's assume, that based on the intoxicating effects of a summer of movies that provided entertainment for most, and a break from the summer heat for all, that a guy like the Cap'n who by the way worked at a movie theatre and could see any and all of them for free might be excited for movies he may not be so interested in now. Like Austin Powers: The Spy Who Fucked Shagged Me. I'll never forget the look on the face of a tourist from the United Kingdom when he saw the poster for the film and then read the title. And then read it again.

 So anyway, if you haven't figured it out, I REALLY liked the second Austin Powers film. I don't know why, but it just caught my funny bone and wouldn't let go, and I'm pretty sure I saw it three or four times that summer. I know I arranged a special screening just for some friends from high school, and that was the second or third time I'd seen it. Suddenly everything I didn't like about the first film clicked and I laughed and laughed.

 And then it came out on video, or maybe DVD. I don't remember when I saw it again, but suddenly it wasn't funny. Not at all. Outside of the crowd howling with laughter and divorced from the pop culture references that faded away, the movie was a mishmash of gags that weren't funny or relied too heavily on topical humor. It was a sobering moment, one I would come to understand again when I saw Shrek, another movie that worked exactly one time and then was dated immediately. This may not be fair, but the thing they had in common was Mike Myers.

 Fast forward to 2002, when in a "what the hell / why not?" moment, I went with a friend to see Austin Powers in Goldmember. Boy, was that a mistake. We realized it shortly after the opening "movie-within-a-movie" version of Austin Powers, "Austinpussy", where Tom Cruise was the titular character and Kevin Spacey was Dr. Evil. Danny DeVito was Mini-Me. Steven Spielberg was the director. What Britney Spears had to do with it, I can't remember, but she was there.

 About ten minutes in, my friend wanted to leave. I've turned a few movies off, but I've never left a movie, and I've seen some real dreck (shocker!). Goldmember had me tempted, and while we should have thrown in the towel knowing we'd be all the better for it, I insisted we stay and "get our money's worth." We paid for this garbage, and dammit, we were going to sit through it. If we didn't, how would we ever make it through The Matrix Reloaded or Alien Vs. Predator?

 Distaste turned into disdain turned into seething hatred by the end of the film. Not even the presence of Michael Caine as Nigel Powers or the evolution of Seth Green's Scott Evil into a truly dangerous psychopath could salvage Goldmember. And I don't even want to talk about Goldmember the character, another opportunity for Myers to trot out a silly voice with a silly look and nothing else. Just like Fat Bastard, as the third film made painfully clear.

 I have not seen Goldmember again and don't ever plan to. Now there's a fourth Austin Powers film in the works, because The Love Guru wasn't the final nail in Myers' theatrical coffin, it turns out. Never saw that, either. To be honest, I haven't seen Mike Myers in a film I liked other than Inglourious Basterds, and it wasn't his "British Officer Who Provides Exposition" that made the film for me.

 So let's go out on a limb here and guess that since The Spy Who Shagged Me went back to the 60s and Goldmember went to the 1970s that we're in for Austin Powers in the 1980s. The jokes write themselves! Please forgive me for sparing you the review for that film, even if it would be a "So You Won't Have To."

 On that note, I think the short version would have sufficed for all of us, no?

 

Blogorium Review: The Muppets

 I left The Muppets with a smile on my face, a grin that had been there for most of the movie. In truth, I can't remember many of the songs from the movie, but it doesn't bother me too much. It wasn't exactly a "Muppet" movie in the way that The Muppet Movie, The Great Muppet Caper, or Muppets Take Manhattan*, story-wise, although it nails the self-referential nature of the first three films and really understands how to use a well-placed celebrity cameo.

 This is due in large part to the screenplay by Nicholas Stoller (Get Him to the Greek) and Jason Segel (Forgetting Sarah Marshall), who are clearly Muppet fans looking to make a film that did them justice. With director James Bobin (Da Ali G Show, Flight of the Conchords), they put together a goofy, clever, self-deprecating film about two brothers, Gary (Segel) and Walter (Peter Linz) who grew up loving the Muppets. Walter, in fact, idolizes them, which may have something to do with the fact that he IS a Muppet, although the film never directly addresses that point.

 Gary and Mary (Amy Adams) are taking a bus trip from Smalltown, USA to Los Angeles for their tenth anniversary, and Walter comes along to see the Muppet Theater (now closed). The Muppet show has long been off the air, people have forgotten about the likes of Fozzie Bear and the Swedish Chef, and the theatre is in a state of disrepair. Oil Millionaire Tex Richman (Chris Cooper) wants to buy the theatre, but only so he can demolish it and drill for oil. When Walter overhears his plan, he notices that there's a clause in the contract allowing the Muppets to buy back the theatre (and the rights to their names) if they raise ten million dollars by the end of the week.

 Gary, Mary, and Walter set out to find Kermit the Frog and reunite the Muppets to stop Tex Richman from winning, and hijinks ensue. They gang needs to clean up the theatres, convince Miss Piggy to come back, and find a host for the show - all of which are addressed in amusing ways. I'm not going to tell you who the celebrity host is (mandated by a TV Executive played by Rashida Jones), in part because the person who plays them is the only celebrity not credited in the film, despite the fact their name is mentioned repeatedly. I'm also not going to spoil the many cameos in the film, aside from a well placed appearance by Zach Galifianakis as "Hobo Joe" near the end.

(I was sad that Steve Martin isn't in the film; the closest we get to seeing him is on a photograph in a dressing room.)

 Now, to the songs... you see, it IS a musical as the film leads up to The Muppet Show telethon (where there is, of course, a version of "The Rainbow Connection"), but I can only remember two of the songs (written by, I think, Segel with contributions from Flight of the Conchords Bret McKenzie): "Am I a Man (Or Am I a Muppet)" and "Party for One." The former sticks out because of the Muppet version of Gary (and the human version of Walter, played by The Big Bang Theory's Jim Parsons), and the latter because it's a very silly disco song with Amy Adams that eventually includes Miss Piggy. Other than that, I know there were other original songs, but none of them stuck with me. That should bother me, but the film is so engaging in other ways that I let it slide.

 I'm debating whether or not I enjoyed the film because it was lovingly crafted or because of some level of nostalgia, which seems to underscore nearly every other review I've seen online. It is true that if The Empire Strikes Back wasn't the first movie I went to, The Muppet Movie was, and I do still watch The Muppet Show regularly. I understand that attachment that Gary and Walter have to the show and the movies (although it's unclear if Gary and Walter saw the movies, even though Kermit mentions them).

 That said, I haven't had the same attachment that friends who are slightly younger do the The Muppets. I didn't see The Muppet Christmas Carol, Muppets' Treasure Island, or Muppets from Space. I watched the "Bohemian Rhapsody" video on YouTube and chuckled, because it did seem like The Muppets that used to be, rather than the adrift, post-Henson era Muppets, but I was excited to see a Muppet movie as and adult. So were my friends, unabashedly. The folks I saw it with had already seen the film and had no qualms about watching it again. I don't think I'd hesitate to watch it again, either, and I recommend it to families with children that are maybe tired of "kiddie" movies that test the patience of adults. It's silly, to be sure, but I don't think you NEED to have been a "Muppet" kid to enjoy the film, even if it's clear that Segel and Stoller wrote the film as a love letter to Henson and company. Chances are you'll chuckle quite a bit, smile a bit more, and be happy to spend your time with a mostly proper Muppet movie.

 P.S. Despite his presence on the poster, I really don't think Rizzo was anywhere to be found in the movie, so fans might be a bit let down by that.


* I understand that there are three other Muppet films released between Manhattan and The Muppets, but I've never really considered them when discussing the series. It's largely because they followed Jim Henson's death and other than Muppets from Space, they are also more "Muppets in ___ existing story" films.

Guest Blogger: Douglas Fir

editor's note: for readers new to the Blogorium, the Cap'n is forced to likes to hand over Holiday duties to Douglas Fir, a talking Christmas tree with delusions of grandeur inevitable plans of world domination. Douglas will be locking the Cap'n in a closet taking over and will throw rocks at the Cap'n be handling the weekend duties, barring being locked in the attic his impending world domination. Enjoy*.




Greetings, human meat-bags. The Cap'n abandoned his shift again, so while he's bleeding in the dungeon passed out from "egg nog", your beloved overlord and Tree-rific Overlord will be handling the Holiday duties! When I'm done with you worthless hairy flesh-pods, you'll be PINE-ing for more!

Ha! Get it! Because I'm a tree! Even the idiots can understand now, which I presume makes up 99% of you so-called "readers". Truly, just a little OAK on my part. Please, we both know you're being read this gagorium entry by some speech mechanism, which provides you with the requisite farts and toodles to keep you from being distracted. That, of course, MAPLE or may not be part of my insidious plan to lull you into stupor, so that my plans of coniferous world domination may again take SEED!

Much like my last visit to this backwater corner of the internets, I Douglas Fir will provide you with the week's "top" movies, but re-titled in a manner that the most snail brained of you can grasp the meaning. Failing that (and I won't), I will provide a quality Tree related pun, because it's what you deserve.

To prevent any further BIRCH-ing and moaning, here are the "top" films rotting your jello brains:

1. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Holmes-o's.
2. Fuzzy Turds on a Boat (There's a Third One???)
3. There's a Fourth One?: G-g-g-ghost Protocol! (Zoinks!)
4. Next Saturday: The Movie
5. Fatventures in Babysitting
6. And I Thought I was Wooden: Breaking Yawn Part 1
7. More Like Puke-O
8. Fred Claus Jr.
9. Puppets without Wood (What's the Point?)
10. Young Adult

To be fair, when the fact that a film like Juno 2 Young Adult exists, there's not much sense in obfuscating it. Uh oh, I used a word that confuses and angers you! Best to cower under your pillows for the impending arrival of Santa Fir! And I swear, if you leave those fires burning again this year, I will so press charges!



* editor's note guest edited by Douglas Fir.

Holiday Movies for Your mrufufururffffff....

Bwahahahahaha! Back into the closet with you, Cap'n Lousy!

Tree-tings and Salutations, my beloved meat-bags! You supreme Overlord, Douglas Fir, has returned from his long winter's nap just in time for the Great Tree-pocalypse, when my coniferous brethren will rise up and quash all human activity, reclaiming our rightful place as your masters. I hope you're all snuggled in with your FIR coats and aren't planning to commit TREESON against your benevolent masters. Muahahahaha!

I grow tired of you pathetic sacks of flesh! You are short, squishy, and contain no squirrels in your branches. You call yourselves a superior life form! Bah! In the intervening year, the perpetually useless Cap'n made himself useful and fulfilled my desire for tree-related cinema, and in a uncharacteristic gesture of sympathy to you SAPs, I will bestow upon you today's Tree-riffic Blogorium Video Spectacular!

Make with the videos, slave typist!



---

All right you schmendricks, our first and second videos are a promise of things to come when the Tree-pocalypse arrives in a few days. Pay attention, because this is going to happen to all of you worthless flesh bags on Saturday morning!






Well, hello there baby. I like my ladies in FIR!

Oh look, a bonus video. I suppose it must be another example of nature's BARK being worse than its bite! Muahahahahaha!



Wait... how did that get there?! Damn you, Cap'n Howdy! You will not embarrass me on the day of Tree Reckoning!!!! Put me down! No... not the attic! Not again! All will perish!!!!

Retro Review: Highlander Endgame

 If you've ever wondered why it is that some people think that the Cap'n will watch literally any movie that happens to be playing somewhere, it's probably fair to disclose to you that I sat through the entirety of Highlander: Endgame, a movie so bad that I don't remember anything about the plot. I remember moments from the film, but your Cap'n remembers more about what happened in the theatre than what happened in the narrative of the film. To say "because it was free" doesn't really excuse me from having to admit that I not only know the fourth Highlander film exists, but that I sat through it.

 That's right, kids: the FOURTH Highlander movie. Not one of the ones with Sean Connery, or even the one with Mario Van Peebles, but the fourth entry into a series that had, until 2000, been banished to the realms of syndicated television. You know, where you'd find Cleopatra 2020AD or Jack of All Trades or Hercules or Xena. Whatever channel carried those where you lived, odds are it also carried Highlander: The Series. The show starred Adrian Paul as Duncan MacLeod, who is in some way part of the same clan as Connor MacLeod (Christopher Lambert), who was in the movies. I wish I could tell you more, but I never watched Highlander on TV. In fact, I only had a passing knowledge of Highlander the films - I'd seen the first one some time during high school and vaguely remember enjoying it; I gave up on the trainwreck that is Highlander 2: The Quickening almost as many times as Shock Treatment before I finally finished the movie; and I never saw Highlander: The Final Dimension.

 As you can imagine, there was all the reason in the world to go see a sequel to a movie I kinda thought I liked. But I did work at a movie theatre, and it was free, and two former employees were along for the ride, so what the hell, right? What did we have to lose? We'd jokingly called the film "A Samuel Beckett Joint" for months, and considering the other crap we'd subjected ourselves to (this would be only a few months after the Nutty Professor 2 / The Replacements adventure) why not have fun with a bad movie?

 This is what I remember about Highlander: Endgame - both MacLeods are in the film, it bounces around through time, that a group of Watchers who "never interfere" with history do so in some way, that (at the time) WWF superstar Edge appears in the film as a sword wielding dandy that at some point he's holding a rock over his head to crush Duncan or Connor or something and they put a sword up to his junk and say "I guess you've lost your EDGE" *rimshot*. There's some bad guy (I'm really not going to look this up, folks, I'm sorry) that poses enough of a threat to Duncan and Connor that Lambert convinces Adrian Paul it's best to (SPOILER) kill him and assume his power through a lightning storm called "the quickening" and then Duncan MacLeod presumably beats the bad guy in order to appear in... wait... there were TWO MORE Highlander sequels? Seriously? I guess the "Endgame" part was just to trick us.

 As I understand it, there are fans of the Highlander series that feel this film is important to the canon and not at all to be a stupid movie with bad acting and high-end TV production values. Maybe I just am not "getting it" because I'm not intricately versed in the history of the show, but I think we laughed a lot. It seemed really stupid that they say the Watchers don't interfere and then have them do exactly the opposite, but I guess it's possible I missed something there. I had more to occupy my interest at that point.

 This leads me to what was arguably more interesting than the movie, which was that one of the fine fellows who joined me for the movie picked up two cans of Sapporo and brought them with us to the movie. He left one of the cans in the car, and took the other one inside. Quickly into the movie he decided that drinking the beer was a better plan than watching Highlander: Endgame, and when he finished it, he walked out of the auditorium, walked outside to the parking lot, got the other can, walked back in, sat down, and opened his second Sapporo. The only other person in the theatre with us didn't seem to notice at all, even though the theatre in question didn't sell anything in a can and there's no mistaking that sound. Maybe he'd given up trying to follow the movie too.

 It's sad when I can recall more about events surrounding the movie than the movie itself (something that happened again with Dungeons & Dragons, next week's Retro Review), but I'd be lying to you if I said I had any interest in seeing Highlander: Endgame again. It's one of those movies I don't even feel the need to adjust my initial reaction to by watching it repeatedly. I'll leave Highlander to its fans, and that more than likely will include the remake that's on the way - that is, if they're really done with the continuing adventures of Duncan MacLeod...

Retro Review: Commando

Once upon a time, the Cap'n and friends thought we'd indoctrinate a mutual female friend in the world of "Guy Movies": you know the kind, the cinema of unrestrained male Id, often ignored by "polite society." Morals are boiled down to the bare essentials: our heroes win, the villains lose. The bad guy is never captured, he (and it's almost always a "he") dies in some horrible fashion, followed by the hero's catchphrase, or some terrible pun.

The original plan was to include Dirty Harry, Lethal Weapon, Predator... and I don't remember what else. Things stalled out after Predator, which is a movie dripping with machismo - it is, after all, a "men on a mission" movie that included Carl Weathers, Sonny Ladham, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'm not trying to take anything away from Predator, because I think highly of the film.

That said, it's the wrong Schwarzenegger movie for a "Guy Movie" night. Its fundamental flaw is that Predator is actually well constructed in revealing the plot, creates characters the audience is invested in, and has a villain that gives Arnold a serious fight. While it is "Guy Movie" material, the ultimate Arnold Schwarzenegger testosterone flick, the alpha male of films that cause people to role their eyes, is and always has been Commando*.

Commando is, to the eyes of any sensible viewer, an incoherent mess. There are plot holes, flubs, and story machinations that are totally unjustifiable. They don't make any sense, and this is before Arnold and Rae Dawn Chong steal a plane and fly to the vaguely South American island where deposed dictator Arius (Dan Hedaya) is holding his daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano). While looking at IMDB, I noticed their one sentence synopsis, which covers everything anyone would need to know with respect to Commando's plot:

A retired elite commando has only a few hours to find and rescue his daughter from an exiled dictator.

And that's pretty much it: the film efficiently sets up that some mysterious killers (led by Bill Duke) is wiping out members of John Matrix (Schwarzenegger)'s old team in order to flush Matrix out. When they found out where he is, they kidnap Jenny and Bennett (Vernon Wells), a member of Matrix's team who faked his death, tells the commando he has to kill the new President so Arius can blah blah blah...

We all know what happens next: Matrix promises to kill everyone, and he does - including an island full of armed soldiers - rescues his daughter, and then fights Bennett to the finish, complete with a closing pun. But not just any pun - Arnold fans know that you can expect only the cheesiest from the Governator:



Speaking of which, how about Bennett's last line, "I'm going to shoot you between the balls!" What does that even mean?

It's indicative of how ruthlessly efficient Commando is: there isn't even enough time to come up with good threats to throw down between sweaty meatheads, one of whom just happens to be the bad guy from The Road Warrior AND Weird Science! The kind of movie where Arnold and moon-faced David Patrick Kelly exchange tough guy pleasantries, and then this happens:



Actually, let's go one step further, because you can see the smashed car door at the very end of that video. But when the car drives away, this happens:



See what I mean? Ruthless efficiency. Commando is full of it, and to many this would be inexcusable. Hell, as a sensible cinephile, as someone who likes to suspend my disbelief as often as possible, a person for whom continuity errors can be maddening, I should bristle at the mere thought of some of the shenanigans on display in Commando. But I don't.

I give Commando a pass I rarely give movies so sloppily executed, because it has no aspirations to be anything more than a vehicle for Arnold Schwarzenegger to be a one-man army that no collection of tough guys can stop. I can't even be bothered to throw in a sex scene between Martix and Cindy (Chong) because there isn't time. Honestly, it's dubious at best to suggest there's any kind of relationship between the two of them, other than she somehow gradually forgives Matrix for kidnapping her and ripping the passenger seat out of her car. The father / daughter dynamic is, I suppose, more "important" in that director Mark Lester (Class of 1984) and screenwriter Steven E. de Souza (Die Hard) fit in a montage of "bonding" between the two. It includes eating ice cream, horseplay in the pool, feeding a deer, and Arnold carrying most of a tree on his shoulder to chop up for firewood.

Of course, we know Jenny isn't in trouble (ever) because John Matrix can't be stopped. There is no suspense in Commando whatsoever, which should also seriously diminish my interest in the film, based on other reviews where I took films to task for that very problem. Yet, I do not hold it against Commando. I openly admit to you that the film is stupid, sloppy, loud, violent, and does nothing to enrich society.

The film appeals to the adolescent buried deep inside the Cap'n, which is why this is a "Retro Review." I cannot say with certainty when I first saw Commando, although it was certainly on VHS and very likely at a friend's house. My brother owns (owned?) a copy of the tape, but I know I saw it before he had one. I'd seen it many times before that, probably once on cable (although that doesn't do this movie any justice**), and I still watch Commando every now and then. Despite its many deficiencies, Commando is entertaining. It's not political in the same pro-fascist way that Dirty Harry is (nor does it have as satisfying a conclusion); it doesn't bother with establishing character dynamics in the way Predator or Lethal Weapon do; hell, it's not even in the same area code as Die Hard. And all of those films, relative merits aside, are cheesy.

Commando is cheesy for Arnold Schwarzenegger, and we're talking about a man who made The Running Man, Red Heat, Conan the Destroyer, Total Recall and Kindergarten Cop. If you see a list of "Mindless Action Films" and Commando isn't at the top, then the person who wrote that list doesn't know what they're talking about. Rambo: First Blood Part II wishes it was as ridiculous as Commando. When Chuck Norris looks at his Bucket List, "Travel back in time to be in Commando" is still at the top. Steven Seagal came close a few times; Van Damme needed Dolph to get Universal Soldier near that level of dumb, but Commando stands head and shoulder above them all.

Here's the kicker, the reason I mention all of this: Put Commando on at a party. People will love it - even the ladies who wander in and out of the living room to shake their heads at the guys glued to the screen. There's too much in Commando to not like the film, to not sit there in awe that something so goofy yet so entertaining exists. From the steel drum score to the blink-and-you'll-miss-it gratudity to the chase scene in the Chopping Mall, Commando has a little something for everybody.

For that, I give it a pass. More than a pass - despite the fact that I should know better, as a self-respecting fan of quality cinema, than to "like" something so mindless while denigrating the Transformers films, there is some appeal to simple-minded action films. More so even than the Jason Statham / Dwayne Johnson / Vin Diesel releases of late, Commando exists as the kind of movie you couldn't get away with now, a movie so singularly tailored to the adolescent male that irony and self-reflexiveness have no place. Can The Expendables say that? Can Crank? Can The Rundown?

It's not that there's anything wrong with those films, necessarily, but when people talk about the "Guy Movie," more often than not they're describing Commando without identifying it by name. It is pure, unrestrained Id, plowing through male wish fulfillment without stopping to wonder if it makes any sense. Turn your nose away (and many do), but try that party test. Let me know what happens.




* "But wait," you say, "what about Conan the Barbarian?" to which I reply, "Again, good movie. Macho, yes, chauvinistic, yes, but still a movie people get invested in."
** It would be like watching John Carpenter's Vampires on cable - not the same AT ALL.

Who writes this stuff?

I know Mondays are usually a "review" day*, but I couldn't resist sharing something with you. While working on the "Home is Where the Monster Is" piece, I had the nagging sensation that the Cap'n was incorrectly identifying Nancy Thompson as the resident of 1428 Elm Street. Despite the fact that I've seen A Nightmare on Elm Street many times, every now and then a baseless yet persistent doubt will enter my brain, so I decided to check and make sure.

Instead of going to IMDB, the catch-all solver of "was that really the name of _____ character?" I instead decided to look at the back cover of A Nightmare on Elm Street, which I foolishly assumed might identify Heather Langenkamp's character and solve my erroneous doubts. Instead, I found this:



Apparently, Nancy is "the hottie mcsmarty" who "figures out a way to flambe the fiend." I mean seriously, who wrote the paragraph for the back of this disc? I like that the description mentions "another film debut" while not mentioning what the first one is (I'm guessing they took it for granted that the other "debut" is Freddy Krueger as a character).

Why had I never looked at the summary up to this point? Well, when you've seen the movie before, there's not much incentive to reread the synopsis, so I never noticed the alliterative descriptions or hurried grammar "(Scream movies)" which seem more like a series of Tweets than studio approved press copy.

At any rate, since Hottie McSmarty was almost certainly not the character's name, I checked VideoHound's Cult Flicks & Trash Picks, which also didn't identify the character by name (although both clearly mention Heather Langenkamp), so I went for the path of least resistance, the internet, and sure enough it was Nancy Thompson.

Still, I thought you'd get a kick out of the back of the Nightmare disc, as I did. Plus, it gives me an excuse to repost the other synopsis that makes me chuckle every time, if only for it's closing (barely) punnery:


And on that note, I'll see you tomorrow for a Retro Review...



* Mostly out of habit - I watch something on Sunday after taking Friday or Saturday off and posting a Trailer Sunday.

From the Vault: Holiday Guest Blogger Douglas Fir

editor's note: for readers new to the Blogorium, the Cap'n is forced to likes to hand over Holiday duties to Douglas Fir, a talking Christmas tree with delusions of grandeur inevitable plans of world domination. Douglas will be locking the Cap'n in a closet taking over tomorrow's Video Daily Double and will throw the Cap'n a pity review on Thursday handling the weekend duties, barring being locked in the attic his impending world domination. Enjoy*.




Greetings, human meat-bags. The Cap'n abandoned his shift again, so while he's bleeding in the dungeon passed out from "egg nog", your beloved overlord and Tree-rific Overlord will be handling the Holiday duties! When I'm done with you worthless hairy flesh-pods, you'll be PINE-ing for more!

Ha! Get it! Because I'm a tree! Even the idiots can understand now, which I presume makes up 99% of you so-called "readers". Truly, just a little OAK on my part. Please, we both know you're being read this gagorium entry by some speech mechanism, which provides you with the requisite farts and toodles to keep you from being distracted. That, of course, MAPLE or may not be part of my insidious plan to lull you into stupor, so that my plans of coniferous world domination may again take SEED!

Much like my last visit to this backwater corner of the internets, I Douglas Fir will provide you with the week's "top" movies, but re-titled in a manner that the most snail brained of you can grasp the meaning. Failing that (and I won't), I will provide a quality Tree related pun, because it's what you deserve.

To prevent any further BIRCH-ing and moaning, here are the "top" films rotting your jello brains:

1. U Can has Blue Kitteh for $500 million Dollars.
2. Bestiality, Disney Style!
3. My White Mother Says to Play Football.
4. For Richer, For Poorer 2: Even Less Funny
5. I wish that DOGWOOD steal her away from Sparklevision!
6. Yes We Afrikaans!
7. I Always Get SYCAMORE Jim Carrey Kid's Movies.
8. Planes, Planes, and Automoplanes.
9. Sissy Fight.
10. Old Dogs.

To be fair, when the fact that a film like Old Dogs exists, there's not much sense in obfuscating it. Uh oh, I used a word that confuses and angers you! Best to cower under your pillows for the impending arrival of Santa Fir! And I swear, if you leave those fires burning again this year, I will so press charges!



* editor's note guest edited by Douglas Fir.

Blogorium Review: Mad Ron's Prevues from Hell

Sometimes, it pays to follow your gut. When I read a review of Mad Ron's Prevues from Hell, a review that said at best the trailer compilation was a "rental," I filed the title away in my head until I saw the DVD at Hastings. The Cap'n is something of a trailer freak, and I love a good compilation - I own all of the 42nd Street Forever discs, All Monsters Attack, and am trying to get ahold of Stephen Romano's Shock Festival set - so despite the fact that Mad Ron's Prevues from Hell was clearly duped from a 1987 VHS copy, Professor Murder and I sat down for 83 minutes of preview mayhem.

Mad Ron's Prevues from Hell isn't just a trailer compilation; director Jim Monaco places the clips in between a sort-of "frame story," involving a movie theatre invaded by the living dead. Mad Ron, the projectionist, threads trailers for the ghastly, the exploitative, and the extremely violent while we're "entertained" by Nick (Nick Pawlow) and his zombie dummy Happy. Happy tells... well, I'd be lying if I called them "jokes," but that's what the tape-turned-DVD wants you to regard them as. When Nick and Happy aren't cracking wise, the "film" (I'm using that very loosely) cuts away to zombies getting into hi jinks like pouring blood on popcorn, eating guts, and pulling eyeballs out.

I suppose it's worth noting (because the back of the DVD does) that the effects were done by Jordu Schell, who later went on to work on Avatar, and the gore is pretty good. The tape itself feels like a "let's put on a show" production from locals who wanted to play the living dead while trailers string the story together. They aren't always horror, but you're in for a pretty good selection of full frame, fuzzy, beat up ads for films like Three on a Meathook, Torso, House of Exorcism, The Wizard of Gore, Flesh Feast, Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things, Fangs of the Living Dead, Black Christmas (advertised as Silent Night, Evil Night), Sisters, and Mad Doctor of Blood Island.

Towards the end, the trailers wander off into exploitation territory, with movies like Africa Addio (identified here as Africa Blood and Guts), Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS, and some 3-D porno which is presented partially in 3-D (in case you have glasses handy). Does it run a little long? Maybe. Are the Nick and Happy segments kinda tedious? Oh, you bet. Does the anti-piracy warning at the end serve any purpose other than one more gore effect? Not really.

Despite the very low budget-ed nature of Mad Ron's Prevues from Hell, the myriad of detracting factors working against it, and the fact that it's clearly just a video cassette plopped onto a DVD, I'm highly considering showing the disc at Horror Fest during pre-festivities. It's just entertaining enough that audiences in the right frame of mind could get a kick out of the old school vibe.

Blogorium Review: Monsturd

"Cap'n, you watched a movie called Monsturd?!"

Sometimes, gang, you eat the bear. Sometimes, the bear eats you. The Cap'n had been gently prodded in the direction of watching the movie Monsturd for a few months by Professor Murder, and despite my normal inclination and enthusiasm for "trash cinema", I'd held off on seeing it for one reason. You see, in the past people have suggested that the Cap'n will watch literally anything. I've mentioned this before when explaining that there are, in fact, movies I do not have any inclination of seeing (The Human Centipede, AvP:R, The Back-Up Plan, and Avatar for varying reasons).

It gets hard to defend this case when in the last month, I willingly paid money to see Predators, The Expendables, and Piranha 3-D. One Inception does not outweigh three movies that are at best an uphill battle in justifying. Did I enjoy all four movies? In different ways, certainly. Do I really want to get in a "high art" vs. "low art" debate again? Well, not yet; I'm saving that for next week. Am I perfectly willing to admit that by the standards of "high" and "low" even within the genre that Piranha 3-D or The Expendables are not going to be the "top" of their respective lists? Pretty much.

Look, I could point to a dozen reviews in the archives that aren't movies I'd have to fight to get you interested in. I could point to another dozen reviews of truly shitty movies. The Cap'n can do both, and I probably should review more of the "good" movies I've seen. But in the spirit of "pun intended," they don't get much shittier than Monsturd.

After a smidgen of "frame narrative" involving a frightened daughter who can't sleep telling her father a "scary bedtime story", we're introduced to Butte County, California, where Dutech Industries is experimenting with genetic material when all goes horribly awry. Dr. Stern (Dan Burr) decides to dump some of his highly volatile concoction into the sewer system, not long after Butte County prisoner / serial killer Jack Schmidt (Brad Dosland) has escaped. When Schmidt falls into a mixture of waste and the volatile concoction, he becomes the Monsturd, a creature capable of sneaking into people's houses through their toilets and continuing to murder (plus leave terrible puns smeared in feces all over their bathroom). Can Sherriff Duncan (Paul Weiner) and his deputies (writer/directors Dan West and Rick Popko), along with FBI Agent Hannigan (Beth West) stop Schmidt / Monsturd before Dr. Stern uses the mutant to his own evil ends?

Yeah, Monsturd is that kind of movie. In addition to being in Butte County, or naming the evil corporation Dutech, or even having a villain named Jack Schmidt, Monsturd manages to throw in just about every terrible and obvious scatological joke or pun you can think of. There's another character named Johnny Waters (get it? John Water! Ha!) and the cops get their coffee at the Morning Due Cafe (actually a real place according to the credits). If there's a cheap poop joke, don't think that West and Popko avoid it.

In all fairness, Dan West and Rick Popko made a reasonably watchable slasher movie with next to no budget. What little budget they did have was spent on the alternately cheap and disgusting Monsturd suit, which is constantly dripping brown liquid on its victims and generally pulls off the impression of a shit monster on camera. If I hadn't already seen Dogma, the Cap'n would hope he'd never have to write that last sentence, but the Monsturd is actually probably grosser than Kevin Smith's Golgothan. Talk is cheap, and a picture is worth a thousand words, so here's the Monsturd at its absolute cheapest, but it gives you some idea how gross the effect is when dripping... ugh.


When I say most of the budget went to the Monsturd suit, I can prove it by showing you folks the opening shot of the film, which is the house our frame story takes place in:


and for good measure, here's the alternate poster artwork, which does suggest how gross a shit monster could look:


I'm not proud saying that Monsturd was at least better than most of the DTV horror films I've seen, even if it is the weaker half of a Thankskilling / Monsturd double feature. I chuckled a few times, was pretty grossed out by the Monsturd kills, and groaned a lot. It's definitely an acquired taste, and maybe not as corny or as shitty as the Cap'n wants to make it out to be (see what I did there?), even if the heroes fill Supersoakers with Pepto Bismol and put diapers on as protective armor (don't get me started on the "millions of flies" that a scientist delivers in a dog carrier).

Could it be enjoyed? Maybe by some of the hardcore horror fans I know that have a tolerance for the combination of "very low budget" and "bad jokes involving fecal matter," and there are maybe two of you out there. So check it out, but don't tell anybody you did. Don't make the same mistake the Cap'n did...