Friday, December 23, 2011

Guest Blogger: Douglas Fir

editor's note: for readers new to the Blogorium, the Cap'n is forced to likes to hand over Holiday duties to Douglas Fir, a talking Christmas tree with delusions of grandeur inevitable plans of world domination. Douglas will be locking the Cap'n in a closet taking over and will throw rocks at the Cap'n be handling the weekend duties, barring being locked in the attic his impending world domination. Enjoy*.

Greetings, human meat-bags. The Cap'n abandoned his shift again, so while he's bleeding in the dungeon passed out from "egg nog", your beloved overlord and Tree-rific Overlord will be handling the Holiday duties! When I'm done with you worthless hairy flesh-pods, you'll be PINE-ing for more!

Ha! Get it! Because I'm a tree! Even the idiots can understand now, which I presume makes up 99% of you so-called "readers". Truly, just a little OAK on my part. Please, we both know you're being read this gagorium entry by some speech mechanism, which provides you with the requisite farts and toodles to keep you from being distracted. That, of course, MAPLE or may not be part of my insidious plan to lull you into stupor, so that my plans of coniferous world domination may again take SEED!

Much like my last visit to this backwater corner of the internets, I Douglas Fir will provide you with the week's "top" movies, but re-titled in a manner that the most snail brained of you can grasp the meaning. Failing that (and I won't), I will provide a quality Tree related pun, because it's what you deserve.

To prevent any further BIRCH-ing and moaning, here are the "top" films rotting your jello brains:

1. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Holmes-o's.
2. Fuzzy Turds on a Boat (There's a Third One???)
3. There's a Fourth One?: G-g-g-ghost Protocol! (Zoinks!)
4. Next Saturday: The Movie
5. Fatventures in Babysitting
6. And I Thought I was Wooden: Breaking Yawn Part 1
7. More Like Puke-O
8. Fred Claus Jr.
9. Puppets without Wood (What's the Point?)
10. Young Adult

To be fair, when the fact that a film like Juno 2 Young Adult exists, there's not much sense in obfuscating it. Uh oh, I used a word that confuses and angers you! Best to cower under your pillows for the impending arrival of Santa Fir! And I swear, if you leave those fires burning again this year, I will so press charges!

* editor's note guest edited by Douglas Fir.

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