"L" is for The Last Stand

 Of the three "aging action stars" releasing a movie in the early days of 2013, I was honestly not expecting that I would prefer Arnold Schwarzenegger's The Last Stand to a Walter Hill movie or a new Die Hard. Even a bad Die Hard looked like it would be more fun than jokes about old Ah-nuld and Johnny Knoxville playing some kind of spaz in his pajamas who likes shooting guns. Luckily for you and for me, things don't always work out the way we expect, and I'll be damned if I didn't have more fun watching The Last Stand than the other two movies combined.

 Maybe my reticence for the movie came from the trailer, but I also didn't have the benefit of being familiar with any of Jee-woon Kim's catalog coming in. I know, I really need to see I Saw the Devil and The Good, the Bad, and the Weird, but I haven't. People even tell me that A Tale of Two Sisters is way better than The Uninvited, which I also haven't seen, but I'm a busy guy, you know? The Cap'n wishes that he had time to sit down and watch everything that his friends highly recommended, but dammit, Terror at Blood Fart Lake isn't going to watch itself!

 Anyway, so I didn't have the proper perspective coming in for Kim's American language debut, so I just went with the ads I saw on TV and they looked pretty stupid. I like stupid, but if I'm going to have my stupid it doesn't need the Terminator with sidekicks. And I like Johnny Knoxville. He is far and by the preferable counterpoint to male action lead to Sung Kang in this instance. But I'll get to that. So unlike Park Chan-Wook's Stoker, I was not adequately enthused. My mistake.

 The Last Stand is a refreshingly unpretentious action movie from a director who clearly enjoys the Arnold films of days of yore. It is, at time, surprising in how earnest the story is and how it mostly avoids winking at the audience (unlike, say, Terminator 3). Arnold plays Ray Owens, a small town Sheriff near the U.S. / Mexico border who enjoys his quiet life. He had his wild years in California - which we hear about in a modified "how bad is this dude" speech - but now he enjoys being able to chide Sonny Ladham (Predator) for parking in a fire zone. It's all in good fun because everybody's leaving town for the big high school championship football game or something.

 Meanwhile, Mexican Cartel leader Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega) is being transferred from one prison to another in Las Vegas, when he gives Agent John Bannister (Forest Whitaker) the slip in a spectacular way, taking along Bannister's partner Agent Ellen Richards (Genesis Rodriguez) as a prisoner. His men stole a prototype super-racing etc (sorry, I'm not a car guy, so I honestly don't remember) and have set up a moving battering ram of vehicles to get Cortez from Las Vegas to the border before he can be recaptured. When all else fails, Bannister realizes that Cortez is heading right for Summerton Junction, the sleepy little town I mentioned before.

 Ray and his deputies (Luis Guzman, Jaime Alexander, and Zach Gilford0 are investigating the disappearance of local grouch Mr. Parsons (Harry Dean Stanton), which the audience knows is tied to the sketchy activity of Burrell (Peter Stormare). Now, I always enjoy seeing Peter Stormare play a sleazy bad guy in action movies (even in Bad Boys 2!) but he's extra fun in The Last Stand because, for no apparent reason, he intermingles his own accent with a corny "Southern" accent. It's just goofy enough not to be annoying.

 Burrell and some of Cortez's other men are up to something in anticipation of their boss' arrival, and Ray can tell right away that these scumbags are trouble. It just turns out he's out-gunned, and they even kill one of his deputies (hint: not Guzman or Alexander. It's the "rookie" the team - I guess he was "too young for this shit"), so now we've got revenge on top of doing the right thing. Good luck, Cortez.

 Ray turns to local goofball Lewis Dinkum (Knoxville) who, when not wearing pajamas and Kyle's hat from South Park, is the curator of the local guns and ammunition museum (a.k.a. his barn). Lewis agrees to help arm the police force and to help fortify the town before Cortez can get there on the provision that he be deputized. Also he gives his guns names and I would normally hate this character but Johnny Knoxville plays this kind of amiable idiot so well that I didn't mind so much.

 But let's talk about Arnold, who hasn't been a leading man since Terminator 3 and hasn't been in any movies not called "The Expendables" since becoming the Governator. The trailer uses every "old man" joke in the movie, so that was a relief, but Schwarzenegger takes well to the "elder statesman" role. It's not to say he can't still throw down with the young bucks (the last fight pretty much disproves that concern), but I can believe this guy saying "I need a vacation" after the ass-kicking he absorbs more than a T-800.

 I was really worried that Arnold had become the parody of himself he was playing in The Expendables 2, but Ray Owens is an actual character who reacts in the only way that makes sense for his situation. This guy has principles, and Arnold's stoic, stubborn defiance of the baddies was a nice throwback. Sure, it's High Noon without subtext, but it's not corny in the ways I feared it might be and the action is pretty good. There's a decent car chase near the end of the film and it's not an aggressively dumb action movie. More of a pleasantly dumb action movie. I guess that's why people who like shaky-can action rejected it, which is unfortunate. The Last Stand doesn't really merit immediate dismissal, and I suspect it will have a long life playing on cable during weekends.

 So anyway, The Last Stand is better than A Good Day to Die Hard and more enjoyable than Bullet to the Head. What does that say about the movie? More than you'd expect from that comparison, but let's not get crazy and start elevating it up to the very best of what Ah-nuld has to offer. This is more upper middle territory, like better than Eraser (a lot better) but not quite Running Man. You'll enjoy it, but not enough to bring everybody over to watch it again right away.

Blogorium Review: Jackass 3.5

 As some of you may remember, I reviewed Jackass 3 nearly two months ago, and the consensus was that the prank and stunt heavy troupe of daredevils were going out with a bang. Their desire to do bodily injury was on the wane, and some of the Jackass guys were more hesitant to go crazy. Even harder to watch was how much longer it took them to get up after bad landings. The film closed out with a montage of Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Chris Pontius, Steve-O, Wee Man, Preston Lacy, and the rest as children, in their first appearance on the show, and during the filming of Jackass 3. It felt like a fitting closing to the series from director Jeff Tremaine, with the small caveat that they filmed a LOT more footage than the film contained.

 How much more footage? Well, if you took Jackass 3 and Jackass 3.5's runtimes, edited out the connective tissue of the latter, you'd still have nearly two-and-a-half hours, plus another fifteen minutes of scenes deleted from 3.5. The good news for Jackass fans is that none of 3.5 feels tacked on, or superfluous. You could easily switch out vignettes from the theatrical release to the home video sequel (and vice versa) and be just as entertained.

  The structure is a little different from previous Jackass films: instead of transitioning from bit to bit, there are a series of interview segments with the cast (many of which appear to be in London) that provide context for why footage didn't make it into Jackass 3. It gives parts of the film more of a documentary / making of feel, although as the interviews increasingly become excuses for more pranks (especially between Bam Margera and Ryan Dunn). There's more fun with the Phantom camera's high speed frame rate, more mountain horseplay with the Dudesons, a great fake-out prank involving a fake "human bowling ball" that's actually an excuse for Johnny Knoxville to use a remote controlled helicopter to shoot paintballs at them. We also see some of the aftermath of failed sketches, like the Blowback (an attempt to clothesline a pole with a long wooden board), some more "painted man" gags, and at least one segment I couldn't believe didn't make it into Jackass 3. Let's just say it involves a wind-up metal rat, an electric mouse trap, and Steve-O's testicles.

There's a greater sense of fun in 3.5; the laughs are heartier, the sense of glee that accompanies each stupid stunt (and many of their failed outcomes) brings back some of the juvenile glee of the TV show and the first two films. Well, for everyone except Brandon Novak: in Jackass 3, it seemed like he was just hanging around for Margera to punch during a "Rocky." In 3.5, it's clear he was involved in a few stunts (one involving riding a toilet down a ramp and the other involving belt sander "skates") that end... badly. For the suffering Novak endured, I'm a little surprised none of his bits made it into the theatrical release.

Jackass 3.5 also seems to be a reaction to the "these guys are getting old" reviews that figured into the best reviews (the film does, by the way, have a "Fresh" rating on Rotten Tomatoes). After a hesitant start from Steve-O to let an alligator snapping turtle to bite into his posterior, the boys open up for a number of ridiculous, dangerous, and silly stunts. Steve-O's excitement to run down a wooden beam surrounded by fire (while dodging flaming medicine balls) is a marked contrast to the "Why do I have to be Steve-O?" in Jackass 3. To counterpoint the last film, Tremaine opens 3.5 with the boys racing somewhere in France from the train station to a crowd of cheering fans. He closes the film with another montage of footage from the film, but set to "Young At Heart," a rebuttal to the suggestion that the Jackass crew are in any way over the hill.

 It almost seems silly putting this disclaimer so late in the review, but Jackass 3.5 is really only going to appeal to someone predisposed to enjoy the series to this point. If you didn't like it already, I don't know how this would turn you around. Fans, on the other hand, will be happy to know that Jackass 3.5's 81 minute running time is more robust than Jackass 2.5, which felt like a collection of leftover footage. While it sometimes straddles the line between full-fledged extension of Jackass 3 and an extended "making of" documentary, Jackass 3.5 never feels like a "lesser than" entry. If you're looking for more trashy fun, or just to sate your desire for comical human suffering, look no further.

A Saturday Night Quickie

 Hello. The Cap'n here: normally I don't like to miss two days in a row without writing something, but extenuating circumstances are keeping me away from the computer for extended periods of time. I'll be back tomorrow with a new Trailer Sunday, followed by reviews for The Dungeon Masters, Jackass 3.5, a Retro Review of Trees Lounge, and hopefully some other interesting films later in the week.

I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to the pervs who have been visiting the Drive Angry review with image searches for "drive angry naked chick" - which is now almost as popular as "what is the championship ring in The Mechanic" - I've opted to change the photograph because the point I was conveying is how trashy the film is, not to give you a "naked chick" to oogle. Surely you can find naked pictures of women without Amber Heard beating them up or skeezy fat guys taking cell phone pictures elsewhere on the internet.

 As for the aforementioned championship ring in The Mechanic, I've also amended that page with images of the ring, the Superbowl ring Jason Statham is looking at online, and the Superbowl Championship rings featured in The Rundown for comparison's sake. The only thing I'm certain of is that it doesn't match any 1992 championship ring I could find (NFL, MLB, NBA, or NHL), but judging by the build of the guy, it's either for wrestling or football. I'm not sure what the "R" stands for, unless it's a University. It could, of course, not actually be a 1992 "World Championship" ring, but since the Blogorium has become a hub of traffic for just this purpose, the Cap'n will keep looking into it.

Odd, considering that The Mechanic is only okay and not a really good Jason Statham movie, that I would be devoting time to something as trivial as a ring, but the fact that it implies something will happen in the film that doesn't clearly resonated with more people than me.

Okay, I need to be off, but you folks stay tuned; there's plenty to come!

Blogorium Review: Jackass 3

There is a moment in Jackass 3 (nee 3-D) when, faced with a Tee-Ball to the groin, the question is asked "Ohhhh, why do I have to be Steve-O?", which may be the prevailing theme of this fourth entry* into the Jackass saga. The Jackass crew isn't getting any younger, and the impending damage to their bodies weighs heavier on their minds than in previous outings, both televised and theatrical: more than a few stunts begin with hesitation from members about to do something stupid / decidedly dangerous, and it takes a little bit longer to bounce back from being rammed by buffalo, being kicked in the face by a football, or the aforementioned tee-ball to the junk.

Which is not to say that there isn't still a sense of relish to the proceedings: Johnny Knoxville still cackles with glee when a giant hand smacks unknowing visitors during "High Five." He seems especially pleased that "Danger" Ehren would actually be dumb enough to bring a tray full of soup into the room (and one can actually see him looking around suspiciously with the tray before he gets slammed). Steve-O seems to be having much more fun with "Beehive Tetherball" than Dave England is, in part because the former knows that panicking will only attract more of the Africanized colony. Everyone is on board with hopping around behind a plane engine, or being propelled by bungee rope off a ramp into a flimsy swimming pool (on roller skates, skateboards, boogie boards, and a wheelbarrow), and the sense of maniacal glee that comes with the Super Glue games is infectious.

While many are quick to point to Jackass as being the decline of western civilization on celluloid, I'm going to stick with the John Waters approach that they're carrying the torch of "bad taste" into the next generation. The Cap'n freely admits that Jackass is an acquired tastes, and that for most of you, any interest in today's post ended when you saw the title. Fair enough. It makes me laugh (sometimes causing people to check out what exactly I'm howling at), rarely disappoints, and periodically grosses me out. And while Jackass 3 doesn't go quite as far as the first film did on that count (I'm looking at you, "Yellow Snowcone"), there are a couple gag-out-loud moments in the film. One involves a model train set that you're better off turning away from, and the other involves Preston Lacy exercising in a suit designed to capture his sweat into a cup. You can guess where it goes from there.

Where I'd point out that Jackass is different from other nihilistic, mean-spirited, prank style "guerilla" films like Bumfights is in the sense of fraternity between the gang. Even when subjected to pain, or being the butt of someone else's practical joke, the boys are quick with a smile or to congratulate the prank-er. Lacy goes out of his way to shake the hand of the punt kicker that nails a football into his face; Steve-O, covered in feces after the "Poo Cocktail Supreme" opts to chase Johnny Knoxville and give him a hug; even Bam Margera, faced with his worst fear after falling into a pit with snakes, gives a fist bump to the snake trainer that dumped them on his head. The camaraderie between the Jackass guys keeps spirits high, even when the stunts are cruel; "Danger" Ehren's "Lamborghini Tooth Pull" wouldn't be nearly as palatable if he wasn't so excited at the prospect of doing it.

Jackass 3 looks better (by far) than any previous incarnation, largely because director Jeff Tremaine shot on high definition Phantom cameras with 3-D in mind. I can see where most of the 3-D was supposed to be, but the DVD that came from Netflix was strictly 2-Dimensional. In addition to 3-D trickery, Tremaine also used the Phantom for its high frame rate, allowing for super-clear, super-slo-mo photography, which figures prominently into the opening and closing of the film, allowing audiences to see every blow with crystal clarity (it also makes a recurring segment called "The Rocky" worthwhile).

Like Jackasses before it, the film has its share of cameos: Minnesota Vikings player Jared Allen takes Knoxville down while referee Sean William Scott winces; Spike Jonze returns for another round of "Old Lady" jokes; Will the Farter pops a balloon in Steve-O's ass from, well you can guess; singer/songwriter Will Oldham plays an animal trainer to Chris Pontius' wild gorilla to scare Phil and April Margera; Mike Judge gets back in the action by providing the voices of Beavis and Butt-Head, who introduce the film and explain the wonders of 3-D. Even Finland's The Dudeson's get involved with the boys for tree-related mayhem.

Also like the other Jackass films, there are bits that work and bits that don't: I've mentioned a number of the better gags (and intentionally left out a few really good ones) but many of the "on the street" pranks played unsuspecting folks just don't play like they used to. Jason "Wee Man" Acuña is part of a bar fight designed around "little people"; Knoxville dresses up as an old man and makes out with his "granddaughter" on a public street, and also crashes through a scooter dealership before "stealing" one of the vehicles. At this point the segments are less effective than they used to be, and tend to drag the film down from the wilder, "conceptual" stunts or endangerment. The April and Phil "gorilla" prank is a total bust, as is a much longer than it needed to be segment built around Bam peeing on everyone.

While Jackass 3.5 looms, I somehow doubt there's going to be a Jackass 4; the film certainly is the product of guys who aren't as wild as they used to be, who are far more aware of the mayhem they subject their bodies to. The film closes out on a montage during the credits of each member of the team as a child, in their first appearance on the show, and now, and it's amazing to see how young they were when Jackass premiered on MTV at the turn of the century. Set to Weezer's "Memories," which features the cast singing along, it feels like a fitting close to the series. They might not be as reckless as they were, but you can't blame the Jackass crew for giving it their best on the way out.





* Fourth including Jackass 2.5, and to be followed by Jackass 3.5, the fifth chapter. If we're including the show, then who knows what 3 qualifies as.