The Return of Cranpire Movies: Underworld - Awakening

 (If you don't think there are SPOILERS in this review, by all means read on and try to be surprised when there are.)

 I don't actually know if Cranpire ever watched any of the Underworld movies. I know Professor Murder did, and that he liked the first one enough to insist that I at least watch the scene where a vampire with silver whips fights a werewolf (sorry, Lycan). The way he described it was more entertaining than the actual scene (for the record, that Korn song isn't actually playing during the movie but you work with what you can find), but I found the first Underworld film to be agreeably stupid.

  For those of you that somehow missed out on the REAL "werewolves vs. vampires love story saga for the new millennium," I can happily recap it for you. Selene (Kate Beckinsale) is a Death Dealer, which is the vampire equivalent of "Blade Runner". She hunts Lycans (a fancier way of saying "werewolves" so the movie doesn't sound so stupid) while both warring factions avoid being seen by humans. It's kind of like the Blade movies, except that there are a bunch of Blades and they all take themselves very seriously and so do the Lycans. The leader of the Lycans is Michael Sheen, and the leader of the Vampires is Bill Nighy. Selene falls for Michael (Scott Speedman), who is a Lycan that becomes a hybrid, which means he turns all black and has super vamp-can powers, and the two of them kill Viktor (Nighy - see why I saved that for now?) and then go into hiding because they betrayed blah blah blah. You get the idea.

 The only really distinguishing factor between the Blade and Underworld series is in my opinion the fact that Kate Beckinsale is in skintight leather instead of Wesley Snipes in slightly less skintight leather. It's certainly what 99.9999% of Underworld fans talk about on the internet and why there are now more Underworld movies than Blade movies (and you thought it was because of the tax evasion...) despite the fact that Blade Trinity is arguably just a collection of the worst series of decisions ever committed to film.

 Since the second one was coming out soon, I did what you would expect the Cap'n would do - waited for it to come out on DVD and then rent it from the used book store I worked at. Underworld Evolution was also stupid, but more bombastic and with less story. More importantly, it didn't have the "this is a very serious story we're telling, thank you" that made the first film so hilarious. Underworld: Evolution did have the benefit of having Bill Nighy come back (in flashbacks? I don't remember) plus returning Michael Sheen, and then on top of the Derek Jacobi (I, Claudius) as an ancestor of Michael's. The story gets more complicated, yadda yadda, super vampire bats or something.

 I did not see Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, a prequel that brought back Sheen and Nighy and added Rhona Mitra (The Descent) when Kate Beckinsale decided that skintight leather was too much of a bother. I have no idea what it was about, although if I had to guess I'd say it centered around the feud between vampires and Lycans in the middle ages because they seem to be holding swords on the cover.

 This brings us to Underworld: Awakening, which is the fourth film in the series (and is in 3-D!!!). Kate Beckinsale, who clearly had so much fun making Whiteout and Everybody's Fine that she decided it was time to be miserable in skintight leather again, returns as Selene. She and Michael are on the run (again), but this time because between Underworld: Evolution and Underworld: Awakening, the humans noticed that people in skintight leather outfits were running around cities, shooting at each other, and that when some of them died they exploded. One of the people who seems to be organizing this is Dr. Jacob Lane (Stephen Rea), who joins the inexplicably quality supporting cast for movies this silly.

 Somebody brielfy plays Michael, but it sure didn't look like Scott Speedman and the character isn't listed in the credits or IMDB. In fact, he isn't mentioned at all anywhere except IN the film. He's killed and then Selene is frozen for twelve years until she's rescued by "Subject Two" (India Eisley), a twelve-year-old girl who has the same powers that Michael does. Hrm...

 I know what you were thinking, but she's not a twelve-year-old female clone of Michael: she's their DAUGHTER!!!! Selene was almost as surprised as you were, because to her twelve years didn't pass. It was like she went to sleep underwater across from a guy who kinda looked like Scott Speedman but not really and then woke up the next day with a preteen vamp-can. In fact, Selene says something very much like that later in the film, in case we were too confused by the plot to remember that.

 Unfortunately for Underworld: Awakening, its plot isn't nearly as convoluted as the first two films (and, what the hell, let's assume the third one too), so it's actually not that hard to keep up. See, Dr. Lane works for Antigen, a company trying to cure the "disease" of vampirism and lycanthropy (I guess separately, they don't address this until THE TWIST!), and the hybrid-daughter is the key to cracking the code. Since she escaped, they let Selene escape to track them, and send some Lycans after them. Selene, in the meantime, finds a hidden coven of vampires led by Thomas (Charles Dance), who is hiding to keep his people alive. His idiot son, David (Theo James), wants to fight the Lycans and they all get their asses kicked when a super-Lycan that's immune to silver shows up (in normal form he looks like Coldplay's Chris Martin).

 Anyway they all go back to Antigen and Selene gets Detective Sebastian (Michael Ealy) to help her break in, just in time for THE TWIST! See, Jacob and the rest of the Antigen team are Lycans, and they used the whole "exposure to humans" angle as a way to get vampires on the run while they researched a way be immune to silver. That's it! That's the extent of this movie - the master plan of the Lycans is to be immune to silver and kill the rest of the vampires while still being closely monitored by humans. Well, that last part clearly isn't important because they'd be invincible, right?

 But if that's the case then how did Selene kill the Coldplay Lycan by putting a silver grenade in his stomach? And her daughter just clawed Stephen Rea's face off, so that works too.

 Then again, I don't watch an Underworld movie for the story. I watch it because the deadly serious tone coupled with the absurd action scenes and gaping plot holes are a potent combination, the end result being incredulous laughter. Underworld: Awakening is not a good movie, not by any standard. That's fine, because I wasn't expecting it to be a good movie. I was expecting something stupid and I got it, and I chuckled for most of the film. Adding children used to be the touch of death for television shows, and sure enough it's a sign of desperation in Awakening, designed to cover up the fact that Scott Speedman / Michael don't factor into the story much (oh, did I mention he isn't actually dead and that Selene unfreezes him so he can escape?). The daughter fills that role and is half-hardheartedly designed to give Selene some depth, but it largely fails.

 Underworld: Awakening has some fun, if imbecilic, action sequences, although I can't imagine they would be necessary in the third dimension. The color palette is (unsurprisingly) dark blues, blacks, and greys. The dialogue is stilted and designed to get us to the next fight scene, where at least the gore is pretty good. To be fair, it's probably more watchable - if not as staggeringly dumb - than Blade Trinity, and it's definitely better than the fourth Resident Evil film.

 I know, I know; when I'm comparing Underworld: Awakening to Resident Evil: Afterlife and Blade Trinity, most of you are politely nodding your head and slowly backing away towards the door. That's fine, but this is a Cranpire Movie, and compared to most of the Syfy Channel Originals he prefers, Underworld: Awakening is a minor masterpiece.

Blogorium Review: Twilight - New Moon

So New Moon is the second film in the Twilight series, based on the popular novels by Stephanie Meyer. Like the first film (entitled "Twilight", which is a little odd since that would make it The Twilight Series: Twilight, but that's kind of like changing the title of Pitch Black to The Chronicles of Riddick: Pitch Black, because what does that make the title of The Chronicles of Riddick?), New Moon centers on Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), a teenager trying to make her way in the world.

At the end of Twilight, it looked like Bella and Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) were going to be together and happy despite the fact that he's a mopey hundred and something year old vampire that turns sparkly in the sunlight (don't ask). But some rival vampire clan isn't okay with this and things get a little heated during Bella's birthday party and Edward decides that the farmer and the cowman should be friends world of humans and vampires shouldn't mix, especially in this specific case, so he decides to take off for parts unknown.

Bella is devastated and goes catatonic, but then this dude Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), who was in the first movie, starts making his move, and suddenly she's caught up in this love triangle between an absentee vampire and a shirtless werewolf-

Okay, I'm just joshing you. There's no way I watched New Moon, or Twilight, nor will I ever. But I did watch Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, and that is true. No April Fools there.

The best part is that even if I didn't put up that whole Twilight ruse to much with your schemas, you still won't believe that I kinda sorta enjoyed Alice in Wonderland. You really have to temper the hell out of your expectations, and it doesn't hurt that it cost me nothing but time to watch the movie, but I was truly ready for a massive trainwreck of a movie, which is not exactly the case.

Let's get this out of the way first: this movie could easily be called Alice's Adventures in Narnia. It's not really Alice in Wonderland in any form or fashion. Oh sure, all the characters you're expecting to see are there: the White Rabbit (Michael Sheen), the Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp), the Queen of Hearts (Helena Bonham-Carter), Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum (Little Britain's Matt Lucas), the Caterpillar (Alan Rickman), The White Queen (Anne Hathaway), The March Hare (Paul Whitehouse), the Dormouse (Barbara Windsor), and of course the Cheshire Cat (Stephen Fry). Even the Dodo from the beginning of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland is there, voiced by Michael Gough. But they, like Alice (Mia Wasikowska) are simply there to service an epic battle story.

Remember how in Prince Caspian (for the four of you who watched it), how the children return to Narnia and it's all broken down and decrepit after they left? That's Wonderland - pardon me, Underland - now, because the Queen of Hearts staged a coup with the help of the Knave of Hearts (Crispin Glover) and the Jabberwocky (Christopher Lee) and stole the White Queen's crown and Vorpal sword. Alice has been summoned back to Underland (the explanation is actually so stupid I don't want to explain it) in order to be the White Queen's Champion and slay the Jabberwocky to restore blah blah blah.

The story is crap. I mean, it's a dundering bore of a plot, hampered by its insistence that rather than finding her situation unusual, Alice insists that she's dreaming and should take nothing seriously. There's no sense of whimsy whatsoever, which I suppose is in keeping with the "take all the fun out of it" Hot Topic mentality of post-Ed Wood Tim Burton films. And believe me, Alice in Wonderland is going to make a killing for that faux-goth clothing emporium.

"But wait, Cap'n; you said you kinda sorta liked it! What gives?"

Too true. You got me; despite the fact that the story is alternately infantile and desecrating to the source material, Alice in Wonderland is a visually arresting movie. There's nothing that isn't fun to look at when Alice goes down through the rabbit hole, and Burton gets all the credit in the world for making something that had to be 95% visual effects and making it look like a world. Had I seen it in 3-D, maybe I would have appreciated that even more, but under the slightly dubious circumstances I saw it, even the partially washed out picture looked great.

The character designs are great too, and while it takes a little bit to get used to the elongated arms and legs on Crispin Glover, by the time he crashes the Tea Party hunting for Alice, you're more interested in watching the characters interact. There is a period before the battle when Burton is principally interested in re-acquainting the audience with (ugh) Underland, and that part is pretty good. Not great, or even necessarily very good, just pretty good.

I really can't forgive the ridiculous 11th hour dance sequence, as it really sticks out like a sore thumb and screams "kid's movie!" as loudly as possible. To wit: I find that funny because, for a children's movie - and this most certainly is that - primarily, Alice does cross the moat to the Queen of Hearts' castle by jumping from one decapitated head to the other. To make it clear they ARE actually heads and not head-shaped rocks, she gets her foot stuck in one and drags out some viscera. Gross, and not exactly kid-friendly, unless you like explaining to your children precisely how you get from "Off with their heads" to what Alice has to cross.

On the other hand, I really did like Stephen Fry's Cheshire Cat and Helena Bonham-Carter's Queen of Hearts. Crispin Glover is also pretty good and has a genuine speaking role for a change, but isn't exactly trading on the "weird" persona people tend to cast him for. Mia Wasikowska is also pretty good, although she doesn't have much to do as Alice. I realize that by necessity the Mad Hatter should be all over the map, but despite that it's hard to find any kind of character in Johnny Depp's performance. There are a few moments when he calms down a little bit and you get a glimpse of the Hatter behind the madness (a particularly good moment comes after *spoiler* Alice beheads the Jabberwocky. The Mad Hatter has the Knave of Hearts at sword-point, ready for the kill, but when he sees what actual killing looks like, he throws his sword down in disgust.)

You know, I'm having trouble figuring out exactly what it was I liked about this movie. Every positive I come up with is countered by an equally valid negative. I'm beginning to suspect that the Cap'n is being more forgiving of Alice in Wonderland because it wasn't totally unwatchable. It's aggressively okay, but not much more. It's certainly not something I'd own or even watch again (even in 3-D), but I suppose that the expectation for a truly awful movie was tempered enough that I'm willing to shrug and let Alice in Wonderland and I go our separate ways.

- so Bella goes to the Volturi to find Edward before he exposes himself in sunlight and is put to death. She doesn't quite get there in time, but she pleads her case to their leader Aro (Michael Sheen), and they agree to spare Edward on one condition. Because Bella has seen the vampire world when no mortal should, she has to be turned into a vampire when she's "of age", and Edward agrees to do it. But Jacob's not giving up, because werewolves and vampires should can never be friends. Not at least when they're duking it out over the girl from Panic Room and Catch that Kid, and I don't mean Joan Jett.

To be continued in the Blogorium review for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse...

Dispatches from the A.O.S.

I could actually do several more movie reviews right now, but the Cap'n would rather break up that string of entries with something else. Instead of full on reviews or quick reviews that end up being longer than actual reviews, let's just keep things short tonight. Not twitter short, because the whole concept of half-assed typing bothers me.

Really, why do I care that you "just got on the plane and they're making me turn this off"? Really? That's insightful in any way? Twitter reminds me of text messaging on a much larger scale, and just about as interesting.

Okay, I really didn't mean to get on my twitter soapbox there, so let's just move on for the sake of keeping things movie-centric.

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Frost/Nixon was a mildly entertaining film that dramatized an event where some of the actual people are still alive. What's kind of frustrating is that Ron Howard stages these mock interviews with the participants "today" or some time after the actual David Frost / Richard Nixon conversations, but he uses the same actors. The only thing different is a heavily blown out image and the actors (Oliver Platt, Sam Rockwell, and Kevin Bacon spring to mind immediately) have different haircuts. It's not that Howard shouldn't have done this or should have used the actual living participants; the problem is that these "interviews" don't serve much of a purpose in the film. Instead, they continually point out the "importance" of what we're seeing.

I'm making this out like I don't like the movie, and I did enjoy it on some levels. The cast is very good and the dramatization is compelling. What I find so strange is not the movie itself but Michael Sheen. For some strange reason, I can never make the mental connection that the man in The Queen, Kingdom of Heaven and Frost/Nixon is the same actor that plays Lucian, leader of all Werewolves in the Underworld films. All three of them.

Sheen is also going to be in the Twilight sequel, but this time playing a vampire. That just boggles my mind for some reason. Maybe it's that he takes all of it so seriously, whether he's Tony Blair or Lucian the Lycan. Too weird.

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Speaking of Werewolves, I saw Dog Soldiers on Blu Ray (which reminds me that I need to write an article about "do we really need that in high definition?"*) and while it's not the kind of movie you're going to say "Hey, let me show off my set up with this!", the rather low budget debut from Neil Marshall (The Descent, Doomsday) looks better than I'd seen it on dvd. The movie itself is still a lot of fun, even if the budgetary constraints show when it comes to the werewolves themselves. I do always find it weird that the movie stars Tommy from Trainspotting and Sean Pertwee, son of Jon "The Third Doctor" Pertwee.

Further inspection leads me to discover that in addition to being in Trainspotting, Kevin McKidd was also Lucius Veronus on Rome, has been on a season of Grey's Anatomy, he was the star of the short lived (but loved by my dad) Journeyman, he was in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and he appeared alongside Michael Sheen in Kingdom of Heaven. How very curious that it took Dog Soldiers for me to remember Kevin McKidd's voice from thirteen years ago.

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I have still not seen Star Trek. Until my financial aid refund arrives, I doubt it will. But like a true nerd, I suppose I can pore through the comic book several more times and parse out secret messages. Or watch the first season in HD, with or without the new effects shots. You hip kids can have your Chris Pine's and your Sylar with pointy-ears for now; I'll take my cheesy man-vs-lizard fight and Dr. McCoy chasing the White Rabbit.

Speaking of the White Rabbit, guess who's playing that role in Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland?

If you guessed Michael Sheen, you've been paying attention to the secret thread of tonight's blogorium!

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Finally: I like my USA Up All Night piece too - that's why I brought it over from the old blogorium - but why is it suddenly popular with Google Search? Seriously, three hits in a week is a LOT for such an obscure blog as this one. I'm glad you're reading, but do feel free to comment any time.

Back tomorrow with Trailer Sunday.


* I'm not speaking about Dog Soldiers specifically, even though the placement of that digression implies they're connected.