So New Moon is the second film in the
Twilight series, based on the popular novels by Stephanie Meyer. Like the first film (entitled "
Twilight", which is a little odd since that would make it
The Twilight Series: Twilight, but that's kind of like changing the title of
Pitch Black to
The Chronicles of Riddick: Pitch Black, because what does that make the title of
The Chronicles of Riddick?),
New Moon centers on Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), a teenager trying to make her way in the world.
At the end of
Twilight, it looked like Bella and Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) were going to be together and happy despite the fact that he's a mopey hundred and something year old vampire that turns sparkly in the sunlight (don't ask). But some rival vampire clan isn't okay with this and things get a little heated during Bella's birthday party and Edward decides that the
farmer and the cowman should be friends world of humans and vampires shouldn't mix, especially in this specific case, so he decides to take off for parts unknown.
Bella is devastated and goes catatonic, but then this dude Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), who was in the first movie, starts making his move, and suddenly she's caught up in this love triangle between an absentee vampire and a shirtless werewolf-
Okay, I'm just joshing you. There's no way I watched New Moon, or Twilight, nor will I ever. But I did watch Tim Burton's
Alice in Wonderland, and that is true. No April Fools there.
The best part is that even if I didn't put up that whole
Twilight ruse to much with your schemas, you still won't believe that I kinda sorta enjoyed
Alice in Wonderland. You really have to temper the hell out of your expectations, and it doesn't hurt that it cost me nothing but time to watch the movie, but I was truly ready for a massive trainwreck of a movie, which is not exactly the case.
Let's get this out of the way first: this movie could easily be called
Alice's Adventures in Narnia. It's not really
Alice in Wonderland in any form or fashion. Oh sure, all the characters you're expecting to see are there: the White Rabbit (Michael Sheen), the Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp), the Queen of Hearts (Helena Bonham-Carter), Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum (Little Britain's Matt Lucas), the Caterpillar (Alan Rickman), The White Queen (Anne Hathaway), The March Hare (Paul Whitehouse), the Dormouse (Barbara Windsor), and of course the Cheshire Cat (Stephen Fry). Even the Dodo from the beginning of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland is there, voiced by Michael Gough. But they, like Alice (Mia Wasikowska) are simply there to service an epic battle story.
Remember how in
Prince Caspian (for the four of you who watched it), how the children return to Narnia and it's all broken down and decrepit after they left? That's Wonderland - pardon me, Underland - now, because the Queen of Hearts staged a coup with the help of the Knave of Hearts (Crispin Glover) and the Jabberwocky (Christopher Lee) and stole the White Queen's crown and Vorpal sword. Alice has been summoned back to Underland (the explanation is actually so stupid I don't want to explain it) in order to be the White Queen's Champion and slay the Jabberwocky to restore blah blah blah.
The story is crap. I mean, it's a dundering bore of a plot, hampered by its insistence that rather than finding her situation unusual, Alice insists that she's dreaming and should take nothing seriously. There's no sense of whimsy whatsoever, which I suppose is in keeping with the "take all the fun out of it" Hot Topic mentality of post-
Ed Wood Tim Burton films. And believe me, Alice in Wonderland is going to make a killing for that faux-goth clothing emporium.
"But wait, Cap'n; you said you kinda sorta liked it! What gives?"
Too true. You got me; despite the fact that the story is alternately infantile and desecrating to the source material,
Alice in Wonderland is a visually arresting movie. There's nothing that isn't fun to look at when Alice goes down through the rabbit hole, and Burton gets all the credit in the world for making something that had to be 95% visual effects and making it look like a world. Had I seen it in 3-D, maybe I would have appreciated that even more, but under the slightly dubious circumstances I saw it, even the partially washed out picture looked great.
The character designs are great too, and while it takes a little bit to get used to the elongated arms and legs on Crispin Glover, by the time he crashes the Tea Party hunting for Alice, you're more interested in watching the characters interact. There is a period before the battle when Burton is principally interested in re-acquainting the audience with (ugh) Underland, and that part is pretty good. Not great, or even necessarily very good, just pretty good.
I really can't forgive the ridiculous 11th hour dance sequence, as it really sticks out like a sore thumb and screams "kid's movie!" as loudly as possible. To wit: I find that funny because, for a children's movie - and this most certainly is that - primarily, Alice does cross the moat to the Queen of Hearts' castle by jumping from one decapitated head to the other. To make it clear they ARE actually heads and not head-shaped rocks, she gets her foot stuck in one and drags out some viscera. Gross, and not exactly kid-friendly, unless you like explaining to your children precisely how you get from "Off with their heads" to what Alice has to cross.
On the other hand, I really did like Stephen Fry's Cheshire Cat and Helena Bonham-Carter's Queen of Hearts. Crispin Glover is also pretty good and has a genuine speaking role for a change, but isn't exactly trading on the "weird" persona people tend to cast him for. Mia Wasikowska is also pretty good, although she doesn't have much to do as Alice. I realize that by necessity the Mad Hatter should be all over the map, but despite that it's hard to find any kind of character in Johnny Depp's performance. There are a few moments when he calms down a little bit and you get a glimpse of the Hatter behind the madness (a particularly good moment comes after *spoiler* Alice beheads the Jabberwocky. The Mad Hatter has the Knave of Hearts at sword-point, ready for the kill, but when he sees what actual killing looks like, he throws his sword down in disgust.)
You know, I'm having trouble figuring out exactly what it was I liked about this movie. Every positive I come up with is countered by an equally valid negative. I'm beginning to suspect that the Cap'n is being more forgiving of
Alice in Wonderland because it wasn't totally unwatchable. It's aggressively okay, but not much more. It's certainly not something I'd own or even watch again (even in 3-D), but I suppose that the expectation for a truly awful movie was tempered enough that I'm willing to shrug and let
Alice in Wonderland and I go our separate ways.
- so Bella goes to the Volturi to find Edward before he exposes himself in sunlight and is put to death. She doesn't quite get there in time, but she pleads her case to their leader Aro (Michael Sheen), and they agree to spare Edward on one condition. Because Bella has seen the vampire world when no mortal should, she has to be turned into a vampire when she's "of age", and Edward agrees to do it. But Jacob's not giving up, because werewolves and vampires
should can never be friends. Not at least when they're duking it out over the girl from
Panic Room and
Catch that Kid, and I don't mean Joan Jett.
To be continued in the Blogorium review for
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse...
