Shipping Anomalies

This is a movie-related digression, one that the Cap'n is only bringing up because he knows a bit about the subject, and it's just a smidge irksome to me. Allow me to give you some brief context in order to make my point clear.

Last week, I ordered Mystery Science Theater 3000 Volume XVI from Amazon. It's pretty much a given that I'll pick up any MST3K boxed set, but this one was of particular interest. Volume XVI has two of the Five MST3K episodes I consider all-time favorites: Santa Claus and Warrior of the Lost World. I have very nearly worn out my VHS copy of Warrior (which also has Laserblast and Joel Hodgson's TV Wheel) and since the dvds started rolling out I've been waiting patiently for some Robert Ginty / Fred Williamson / Donald Pleasance /Persis Khambata action. Santa Claus, as previously mentioned, is a deliriously bizarre movie in its own right, so it's nice to add with Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

Since I have class until 3:15 on Tuesdays, and considering the odd purchasing habits of Greensboro citizens (who tend to gobble up any release with moderate geek buzz), it seemed like a safe bet that Volume XVI would be sold out, particularly the "Limited Edition" set with a Tom Servo to compliment the Crow from the 20th Anniversary set. Ordering the set from Amazon was not only slightly cheaper, but insured I would get a copy, and this week.

Or so I thought. Without bothering to knock or ring the doorbell, my mail carrier left a 3849 (the beige slip of paper) indicating that my package could not be delivered due to a "Delivery Confirmation" signature required. Now I have to wait until Monday morning to pick up the set.

There are two problems with this, even if I put aside the fact that I was home and he made no effort to actually deliver the package. I've worked for the Postal Service, and I know the circumstances surrounding a 3849, and my package did not meet either of them:

1. The package was shipped Standard, not One Day or Two Day delivery, so signature isn't required. I've had larger packages left at my door from Amazon with no problems from the mail carrier, so it's not even a size issue. There's no reason to take the box back to the post office, but to be clear, let me illuminate the "Delivery Confirmation" conundrum.

2. Amazon frequently prints a "Delivery Confirmation Scan" barcode as part of their shipping label. This is so you can track the package, but does not require a signature. I know, because I've delivered them. Delivery Confirmation labels on packages or envelopes which require a signature come with a bright green border and their own 3849 attached to the parcel. Again, I know because I delivered to a number of businesses which frequently required Signature Confirmation for letters and packages. Because of the volume of packages from Amazon, it would be ridiculous to demand signatures from everyone who ordered dvds bundled together, as that's a huge waste of time on the part of the carrier.

The mail carrier, in this instance, made a snap judgment that it was easier to assume I wasn't home and not deliver a package, leaving the onus on my part to pick up something rather than simply deliver the parcel. How do I know this? Because I had to do the same thing earlier this week and when I arrived at the Post Office, NO SIGNATURE WAS REQUIRED for my package. Same situation. Same 3849. Same handwriting. Same mail carrier. I could pretend that they didn't know better, but I know mail carriers. They know protocol backwards and forwards, especially city carriers, so I'm not sure what to make of this.

From here on out, is everything I order going to be withheld from me until I pick it up on their schedule? Because that's not how I was taught to do the job. You delivered to the very best of your ability, even if someone's dog tore up your jeans or a wasp's nest was in the mailbox. Cutting corners meant being chewed out, and you'd better not waste a 3849 when the package didn't call for it.

This is a long, slightly grumpy way of saying I couldn't write up the new MST3K box for you folks tonight, which is what I wanted to do. It probably sounds like sour grapes, or even whining, but the fact is that I know that there's no good reason to avoid delivering the box. I know the protocol, and I know what you can and can't do when delivering packages with "Delivery Confirmation" labels. So yeah, I'm a little grouchy.

Watch Me Tie Them All Together!

I brought Grizzly home, along with 1990: Bronx Warriors and 2019: After the Fall of New York. The second and third movie are do in no small part to a weakness for Italian Post-Apocalyptic action films, ala Warrior of the Lost World. They aren't great; hell, most of the time they're barely coherent. 1990: Bronx Warriors at least has Fred "The Hammer" Williamson*, Vic "Helicopter Crash" Morrow**, and uh George "Porno Holocaust" Eastman.

Grizzly is inexplicably a two-disc affair, but I have to give some credit for shamelessly cashing in on the popularity of Jaws. Another entry in the "animals gone amok" genre, I probably would've ignored this entirely save for the back of the dvd box, which contains the following synopsis:

When an eighteen foot, two-thousand pound grizzly bear starts mauling campers and hikers at a state park.... (some character crap)... Meanwhile, the giant grizzly, not content with picnic baskets, continues to kill indiscrimintaley, leaving pools of blood and piles of body parts in its wake. Can the ranger and his cronies end the grizzly's reign of terror without resorting to excessively extreme measures? Absolutely not!

Fair enough. Like Day of the Animals and Prophecy, this has almost no chance of living up to that kind of hype, but if it's even half as amusing as either of the aforementioned flicks then it's worth the time I'll spend on it. Movies like this make watching garbage like Righteous Kill worthwhile.

---

Speaking of worthwhile, I'm only a half an hour or so in, but The Exterminator has me jonesing to drop everything and fire the dvd player back up. It too is cashing in on a popular genre of the 1970s: the revenge film. What The Exterminator does is amp up the pointless violence, cut back on the plot, and string together the remains with inexplicably bad editing.

For example:

- the opening, set presumably in Vietnam and filled with explosions a little too close to the helicopter, is chock full of guys on fire, guys being shot to pieces, one dude getting his head chopped off, and more explosions. Seriously, more than one of them visibly knocks a helicopter off-course.

- how do you follow this excessively violent, credit-less intro? How about a very slow helicopter ride around New York City set to a country ballad about healing. Then re-introduce us to characters we couldn't recognize from the beginning, one of whom is the star of the movie.

- that star? Robert Ginty (Warrior of the Lost World, The Paper Chase), who has THIRD BILLING after Christopher George (Grizzly, Day of the Animals) and Samantha Eggar (The Brood, The Uncanny). Ginty's co-hero, Steve James (The Warriors, American Ninja 2&3) doesn't even make the opening credits.

- after Ginty and James thwart a beer robbery, some thugs cripple James with a garden hoe. This is immediately followed by Ginty telling the dude's wife in a playground, which is immediately followed by:

- some dude not involved in the robbery or the crippling tied up in an abandoned building. I guess he's in the same gang, so Ginty threatens him with a blowtorch and then leaves him to go find the bad guys, who are listening to "Disco Inferno".

I know what you're thinking, and so does The Exterminator. However, instead of "burn baby burn"-ing down their hideout with his blowtorch (that there's no explanation for in the first place.... did I mention his job is to load beer trucks?), he shoots one guy with a machine gun and knocks two others out, transports them to another abandoned building, then I guess shoots them and lets the rats eat their faces.

This is the first thirty minutes of the movie! The only reason I'm not sure if he shoots them or not is because it flashes back to him shooting the Vietcong dude who cut off his friend(?)'s head, then he just leaves. The Exterminator doesn't have time to answer simple questions like "why does he have a blowtorch" or "is that the same abandoned building" or "how does he know where his friend's wife is but the police don't?"

It's too busy being awesome, and the movie hasn't even gotten to Ginty's sweet "exterminator" outfit, which consists of him wearing this:



While we're here, I'd like to point out that the editor's name is Corky O'Hara. If that's not a fake name then I'm very surprised. Either way, he's put together quite a collection of seemingly unrelated plot elements into a third rate sleazefest of violence and gore. The same goes to James Glickenhaus, who is probably using his real name.

Anyway, you should come over and watch this with me. I'll even start it over for you. Then we can watch Grizzly and 1990: Bronx Warriors, because there's a lot of beer here I'm not going to drink and lord knows you'll need it!




* also of Warrior of the Lost World, starring Robert "The Exterminator"Ginty***
** too soon?
*** see what I did there? tied it all back together!