"R" is for Red Heat

 When I was crowd-sourcing suggestions for The ABCs of Movie Masochism, I asked for a "terrible romantic comedy" to round out the genres being covered. In jest, someone suggested Raw Deal, but I always get that movie mixed up with Red Heat, which is kind of a romantic comedy, right?

 Twenty five years before he returned to the big screens with Bullet to the Head, Walter Hill (The Warriors) brought audiences another mismatched buddy cop movie with an edge, Red Heat. Watching them in (reasonably) close proximity, it's hard not to notice many similarities between the two. Yes, most "buddy cop" movies are about clashing styles between the two leads, set in an iconic city, but it's hard not to see Bullet to the Head as a "lesser than" to Red Heat. No offense to Sylvester Stallone or New Orleans, but let's take a look at what Hill brought us back in 88.

 Austrian Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Last Stand) plays Soviet Captain Ivan Danko, a no nonsense cop in Moscow who we meet in an undercover sting in a bath house. He burns his hand to prove some bad guys that he's no a cop, and then proceeds to beat the hell out of them outside in the snow. Because this is Arnold and you need to remind people of his indomitable prowess early on, but to Hill's credit, you know right away not to mess with this Russian. His partner is killed while trying to arrest drug dealer Viktor Rostavili (the immediately recognizable Ed O'Ross) who then flees to Chicago to avoid Danko.

 When Danko's superiors send him to the windy city to pursue Vikor (with lethal force, if necessary), he's paired up with Det. Sgt. Art Ridzik (James Belushi). Ridzik just busted a few drug dealers who were working with / for Viktor, so their cases line up, even if they clash repeatedly over cultural difference, police procedures, and detective work. Ridzik is considered something of a "loose cannon" in his own department, but Danko's blatant disregard for Miranda rights or any form of "police procedure" threatens his already tenuous standing.

 I guess it's worth mentioning to people born after Red Heat came out (and I know a few of you) that once upon a time the U.S.'s number one enemy was Communist Russia (the USSR) and that the idea of teaming up a Soviet cop with an American cop was novel storytelling. Within a few years of Walter Hill filming in Moscow (true story), Mr. Gorbachev would indeed "tear down this wall" in Berlin and symbolically bring down the Iron Curtain and this would happen, and I have to wonder what Russian audiences thought when they saw their best and brightest exemplified by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yes, he was a big star but... really? And remember, this was three years after Swedish Dolph Lundgren played Ivan Drago, the previous example of Soviet superiority in Rocky IV.

 Where was I going with that? Just an observation, I guess. I mean, if you're Walter Hill and Arnold is available, maybe you just said "what the hell." They front load it with statues of Marx and Lenin and play on how little Americans know about the Soviet Union, and then let John Belushi's brother make fun of it for the next 90 minutes.

There are a lot of (mostly unfunny) jokes told by Belushi about Soviets and communism and how that doesn't "work" for us in the United States. Danko is portrayed as almost fascistic in his pursuit of Viktor, makes fun of Belushi's 44 Magnum (including a "Who's Dirty Harry?" joke) and for some reason thinks Miranda is an actual woman... So okay, the same lame "we're different" wisecracks I groaned at during Bullet to the Head are on full display. I guess I was more lenient this time because I knew Jim Belushi wasn't going to be funny or charismatic.

 (There is one kind of funny joke, when Ridzik correctly identifies how Danko likes his tea while in a diner. When Danko inquiries how he knew, he replies that he's "seen Doctor Zhivago." It was out of left field enough that I chuckled.)

 Well, Red Heat is still fun, even if the jokes fall flat (maybe I just don't quite jibe with Walter Hill's sense of humor, which tends to be vaguely misogynistic - I can't keep track of how many times woman are referred to as "bitches" in the movie - and full of lame observations you'd hear in hack-y comedy routines. On the other hand, the action is pretty good and Hill manages to make a medium speed game of chicken between two buses still be tense. The gunfights are pretty good and Schwarzenegger is surprisingly convincing as a Russian.

 Red Heat also has quite an impressive cast of familiar faces that keep things moving along when the tiresome "banter" between Belushi and Schwarzenegger begins to tax the patience.  So in addition to Ed O'Ross (seriously, if you don't recognize his face immediately, have a look at how many movies he's in that you've probably seen), Red Heat also features Peter Boyle (Young Frankenstein) as the exasperated police chief, Larry Fishburne (Apocalypse Now) as a by-the-book cop looking to ruin Ridzik, Gina Gershon (Killer Joe) as Viktor's American wife, Richard Bright (The Ref) as Belushi's partner (also killed by Viktor's men),  Pruitt Taylor Vince (Natural Born Killers) as the desk clerk at Danko's hotel, Mike Hagerty (Wayne's World) as Ridzik's brother-in-law, Brion James (Blade Runner) as a perp who Danko "interrogates," and Sven-Ole Thorsen (Mallrats) as Nikolai. Sorry, I don't quite remember who that was but I'm guessing it's someone Danko fights early in the movie.

 I was hoping that Red Heat might have a bit more 80s cheese than it did, but if I'm comparing this to Bullet to the Head - and I sort of have to considering they're both Walter Hill movies with roughly similar premises - I'll give the edge to Red Heat. Chicago is definitely more interesting as a backdrop than New Orleans was in Bullet to the Head (they even film inside of Joliet), and Belushi at least delivers his non-stop barrage of shitty one-liners with a sense of exasperation. While I enjoy the older Stallone, he can't compete with Arnold (arguably) in his prime, and the way the bus chase ends is almost worth the price of admission. Game, set, and match to Red Heat.

 Up next: Wes Craven tries to start a new horror franchise after A Nightmare on Elm Street but before Scream. Can you guess what it is? (Hint: not The Hills Have Eyes 2).

"B" is for Bullet to the Head

 On paper, there's no way that Bullet to the Head should be as disappointing as it is - Sylvester Stallone has been on a mostly successful run since returning to big screens with Rocky Balboa, and while you can debate the relative merits of The Expendables films, I'd venture to say that they're getting better as they go along. Teaming Stallone with Walter Hill (48 Hours, The Warriors, Red Heat, oh, and one of the writers of Alien) for a gritty revenge film just seems right. And then, for good measure, throw in Sung Kang (who I enjoyed in the last two Fast and the Furious movies), Christian Slater and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as the bad guys, and what the hell, Jason Momoa as the heavy.

 Like I said, on paper it sounds like a winner; so what the hell happened? Well, Bullet to the Head isn't a total disaster, let me mention that right up front. It's a thoroughly average action movie unnecessarily saddled with a "buddy cop" template when it really needs to be about getting Stallone and Momoa on-screen together. That happens twice in the movie, and when it does, Bullet to the Head comes to life. Otherwise, it's a drawn-out bore.

  I hate to say it, but most of the problem is Kang's character, Detective Taylor Kwon. While Kang has an easygoing chemistry with Vin Diesel the rest of the F&F gang, he sucks the life out of Bullet to the Head. It's hard to tell if he just didn't get a handle on the character or if Kwan is just horribly written, because he comes off (at best) as incompetent at his job. When Kwon's partner is killed, he travels from Washington, D.C. to New Orleans to track down the killer, and ends up forming an uneasy alliance with Jimmy "Bobo" Bonobo, a hitman whose partner was also killed by the same shady figures.

 Normally, you'd think they'd not get along and then find some common ground, but instead Kwon never gets past the first stage, where he's constantly threatening to arrest Jimmy on principle despite the fact that the criminal is much better at tracking these guys down than the cop is. Kwon's "detective" work consists of using his smartphone to call the station, have them look up a name, and then listen to someone give him exposition which he then relays to Stallone. This happens repeatedly in Bullet to the Head, usually while they're driving and almost always before or after an argument.

 My takeaway here is that in order to be good at following leads, all you need to be is literally anybody with a smart phone. Early in the film the NOPD makes him give up his gun (because this isn't his jurisdiction) but apparently the DCPD are perfectly willing to help him with a rogue investigation.

 Kwon is such a shitty detective that he can't figure out that the corrupt New Orleans police chief and detective working for African crime boss Morel (Akinnuoye-Agbaje) are tracking him and Jimmy with the GPS in his phone. Nope, he just keeps using it to advance us to the next lowlife that Jimmy needs to kill so that Kwon can get indignant. Mind you, this is after "Bobo" saves his life and helps him remove a bullet from a failed assassination attempt.

 Speaking of which, in the one touch I liked (until the movie ruined it), Kwon mistakes Lisa (Sarah Shahi), the tattoo artist who helps remove said bullet from his shoulder for Jimmy's girlfriend, when she is, in fact, his estranged daughter. Had the character relationship been limited to that, I'd be happy, but in the "cop / criminal" twist logic of this film, Lisa and Kwon have to get together., despite having no chemistry whatsoever.

 In fact, Kang and Stallone have no chemistry either, which really grinds everything down to a halt during the movie. When Stallone is on his own, or with Slater (as Morel's sleazeball attorney) and especially with Momoa, Bullet to the Head gets much better, but unfortunately those are but brief glimpses of a finer action film.

 Since I haven't really mentioned Jason Momoa, who is the best part of the ridiculous Conan the Barbarian, let's get back to the positives of Bullet to the Head and talk about him for a moment. So Momoa plays Keegan, a mercenary / hitman hired by Morel to take out anybody associated with a conspiracy the war criminal is trying to cover up. He's the one who kills Louis Blanchard (John Seda), Jimmy's partner. He also tries to kill Bonomo, but that doesn't quite work out.

 Unlike Kwon, we actually see Keegan develop a bit in the film from just being "the heavy." It turns out that he's respected by other mercenaries because he has a code of honor and he sticks to it, so when Morel screws him over from a moral standpoint, Keegan (SPOILER) kills the bad guys and leaves their warehouse hideout. That's right, our heroes don't kill the big bad guy, the bad guy's henchman does, and I don't even mind. Yes, it's a story flaw, but Momoa's Keegan is a much more interesting character, and it's clear all he really wants to do is finish the fight he started with Jimmy.

 And boy, do they ever. The only reason I'm even recommending Bullet to the Head is because the axe fight between Momoa and Stallone ("What are we, vikings?" quips Jimmy) is the high point of the movie. Keegan is so impressed that Jimmy can put up a fight that he starts smiling and at one point starts clapping. This is a show of respect between two tough motherfuckers that refuse to be the loser in this battle. Hell, Jimmy stabs Keegan in the throat with Louis' knife and THAT doesn't stop him from trying to score the killing blow. Nope - that would be Kwon shooting Keegan from across the room, breaking his "rule" about not killing "bad guys" when he can arrest them.

 It's the Die Hard / Lethal Weapon moment where Al / Murtaugh shoots the bad guy as they lunge forward which ties back to something they said earlier but in this instance because Kwon is such dead weight I was just pissed off that he killed the only interesting character not played by Stallone. Conversely, I didn't mind when Stallone killed Slater (SPOILER) after an interrogation scene because there was a least a joke there.

 So as not to sound like a sourpuss, here are a few more things I liked about Bullet to the Head:

 - I really enjoyed the set up and pay off of Kwon unloading Jimmy's gun while he was talking his daughter into helping remove the bullet. Later in the film, Jimmy goes into a bath house to confront another hitman who had a hand in getting his partner killed, and when the conversation leads to the inevitable "pull out the gun and shoot" moment, the look on Stallone's face when he hears "click" is priceless. It also allows for a protracted fight scene that is also pretty good.

 - The use of photos of Stallone throughout his career as mugshots (one of which looks like it's from First Blood) is actually a really nice touch in establishing his back story without having to spend too much time on it. Jimmy Bonomo is a career criminal, and with a few brief glimpses of Stallone as a younger man, we buy that a life on the wrong side of the law would result in the hardened asshole he plays in the movie.

 - Also, the opening "hit" that sets up what Jimmy and Louis do is short but effective. It's unexpected when they shoot the guy (who, by the way, is one of Kwon's former associates) in the chest but he doesn't die immediately but instead gets pissed off and tries to take them out, leading to the first (of many) instances of the title coming into play in the movie.

 One final note on the use of New Orleans as the backdrop for the story - it's not a major issue for me that Louisiana is offering credit to film crews in order to get them to shoot there, but having almost every action movie in the last five years in the Big Easy is starting to get a little repetitious. There's an assault on Jimmy's house (which is on a river) that ends in almost exactly the same way that the Jason Statham version of The Mechanic did, and that's not the movie you want to remind me of. Were it not clear to me that it couldn't be the same house (because, well, it had been blown up in The Mechanic), I might have assumed they used the same location. So it's cool that you can use New Orleans on the cheap, but let's try to vary it a bit, huh? If Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call Nicolas Cage could switch it up a little bit, I'd like to think Walter Hill could find different places to film.

 So yeah, this is a pretty average action movie that should have been better. There's no excuse for it not to be better, and the glimpses of a pretty great movie in there only compound the issue. If I were channeling my inner Rex Reed, I'd say "B is for Bullet to the Head? More like a C minus!" but that's beneath all of us. No wonder they killed Sung Kang in Tokyo Drift...