Horror Fest III Day 2: Blade Trinity

Before you scoff, understand that Neil had never seen Blade Trinity, save for its tv airings, which doesn't actually count as seeing the film at all. It's not a matter of the violence, but writer/director David Goyer's hodgepodge dialogue consisting of bad jokes and random profanity is pretty much lost on cable television.

The film remains as bad as it ever was; a testament to why you should never allow the writer of a series to become a first-time director with total creative control. It's not just that Ryan Reynolds is so annoying that other characters hate him as much as the audience does. It's not just that Blade really has nothing to do except hang around and ignore monologues from Natascha Lyonne, Patton Oswalt, Jessica Biel, and Kris Kristofferson. It isn't even that John Michael Higgins or Parker Posey seem to be in a much different movie than Blade Trinity.

Honestly, you can work out how dumb and ill conceived the movie is in three letters: HHH.

I'm guessing most of you (other than Cranpire) don't know who Triple H is, which is fine. This isn't a situation like The Rock where you probably know him more for his movies than the wrestling at this point. Triple H pretty much just made Blade Trinity and said "well, that's good for me". All he does in the movie other than beat Ryan Reynolds up is get angry about dick jokes and play with a vampire pomeranian*.

The big bad guy, Dracula er, Drake, is "the original vampire, and like the great white shark, he's never needed to evolve", which means Dominic Purcell from Prison Break wanders around to a RZA song sampling The Velvet Underground and beating up goth kids. Actually, that scene's pretty funny. Drake finds himself in a store that inexplicably only sells Dracula-related merchandise. I think the Count Chocula does him in, but some believe it's the Dracula vibrator. I'll let you be the judge.

Goyer also includes brilliant ideas like making random characters speak Esperanto and, to really hammer it home, includes footage from the William Shatner Esperanto epic Incubus. Of course, if you don't know what either are, this trivia is totally lost on you and Blade Trinity continues looking stupid and arbitrary.

Oh wait, it is. And I'm not even going into Jessica Biel's darkcore trip hop techno ipod mix that she kills vamps to. Seriously, if you ever thought "why didn't they make Blade 4?" aside from the Wesley Snipes being in jail thing, watch Blade Trinity. If you can make it past Triple H giving the finger to the sun two minutes in withouth laughing, this movie is for you.

This does however serve us well for the direction tonight's headed in, which is one of laughter and horror. As I'm typing this, Herschell Gordon Lewis' Blood Feast is playing in the other room, and it's going to get better from there. I am hell bent on watchin Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II and Child's Play 2 before the night is out...

* see what I mean? this movie's retarded!