Yes, I am sure that many of you are already saying:
"Well, duh. Why did YOU watch it?"
to this I will make the case why I did watch it. Let's say, for example:
* You liked Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel.
* You really liked Edward Furlong in Pecker
* It's Dennis Hopper, man! Playing a Satanic Gangsta Priest!
* And Danny Trejo! Danny fucking Trejo!
* The first Crow was a personal favorite of yours, and even though you didn't like City of
* You liked Six String Samurai
(okay, I've probably lost a lot of you right here, because I can't imagine anyone but me really saw every one of those factors as a plus, but I'll continue)
Okay, let's systematically destroy those pluses:
* David Boreanaz plays the Satanic Cult leader broad, to the point that when he is possessed by Satan, it borders on cartoonish. He's terrible in this *ahem* movie.
* Have you ever stood outside a Hot Topic and watched every fifteen year old goth kid walk in and out? You know the ones that just figured out they needed makeup? Make that kid the hero of this movie, and then tell him to pretend he is anguished. More than he already would.
* Yeah, except that Dennis Hopper has no idea how to deliver lines like "Do you agree to make Satan your homey?" and "I declare you dude and shorty." It's not even funny how boring he is.
* Poor Danny Trejo. They must have forgotten to tell him he'd be shirtless during the ridiculous "wake up the crow" dance, and he's jiggling all over the place, making this goofy face like he didn't know the camera was rolling.
* If Salvation is half a bad as Wicked Prayer, I'll never see it.
* Forget Six String Samurai. Throw any sense of visual style or coherence out the window. Not only does it feel like no one making the movie knew what happened in the plot, but the frenetic editing or head scratching flashbacks/hallucinations.. fuck. ok, this movie is incomprehensible. I almost turned it off twice, but for the sake of saying I went the distance, I watched it all. If you can figure out the plot, let me know. There's something to do with a Satanic Cult and an Native American Reservation and miners, but for the life of me I couldn't tell you how it fit together.
This is a disjointed piece of shit, and I warn you, do not waste your time. This movie isn't even "funny" bad, it's just BAD.
Oh yeah. Tara Reid is the bad girl. The less said, the better.
In other news, Hellraiser: Deader and Hellraiser: Hellworld will be joining The Prophecy 4 on shelves soon. (that's Hellraiser 7 and 8, for those keeping count. With Kari Wuhrer and Lance Henrisken, respectively)
I won't be watching any of them*, so if you do, keep it to yourselves, ok?
* Future intercession: Total Lie. I watched the Hell out of Hellraiser: Hellworld. Best Hellraiser sequel that has virtually nothing to do with the first film ever.
No comments:
Post a Comment