Oh, for crying out loud!

Augh! I thought I'd do a little post-Oscar commentary, or maybe give you a quick review of It's Complicated (very quick review: it reminded me a little bit of Up in the Air, but with an audience friendly ending. There are some clever bits, some well thought out plot turns, and a lot of "rom-com" contrivances that keep it from being better than the average bear), I was even thinking of taking a couple of hours away from the PC in order to watch one of the many movies I haven't gotten around to.

But I can't. Oh no, because my mortal enemy - Grampa J - that impostor with the leastest, has waddled his way out of limbo in order to smear digital crap all over his face and dance like a monkey. I really thought that after his totally inane "@ 2009" recap, the Cap'n really hoped that this absurd charade was over and done with. But no, after the first trimester of 2010, the bane of my existence, the name-stealing, review demeaning, joke of "film scholarship" is back with reviews of Gooby and JCVD.

Some pearls of wisdom for those of you smart enough not to give this schmendrick more "hits":

"There are many great lines and screwball scenes in this movie. Gooby takes Willie to a costume party at a movie theatre and when a bully dressed like a hotdog tries to beat willie up, gooby scares him so bad that he pees himself and says "Willie, the hotdog just peed!". One of the more touching lines is when gooby tells Willie:"I liked being your dad!"'

"In the past few years, however, I haven't been paying much attention to Van Damme because I tend not to pay much attention to movies that are released directly to video. For those of you who don't know, the reason movies get released only on video is because they are either A) not very good to begin with B) have too much sex for main stream movies or C) are really artsy-fartsy and don't have a chance to make any money."

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Hey, Grampa Genius, how about you do me a real favor and find out what that science fiction movie I was talking about last night was? It has a scary robot that will give you something to fill your adult Depends with, and weird bat-looking things and space zombies. I double dog dare you to find out what it is and review it. I know that Sherlock Holmes was "too scary" for you, but try to grow a pair if you're going to keep antagonizing the Cap'n, huh?

And now I'm in a mood again. Thanks, Grampa J. Thanks a truckload...