The original plan was to include Dirty Harry, Lethal Weapon, Predator... and I don't remember what else. Things stalled out after Predator, which is a movie dripping with machismo - it is, after all, a "men on a mission" movie that included Carl Weathers, Sonny Ladham, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'm not trying to take anything away from Predator, because I think highly of the film.
That said, it's the wrong Schwarzenegger movie for a "Guy Movie" night. Its fundamental flaw is that Predator is actually well constructed in revealing the plot, creates characters the audience is invested in, and has a villain that gives Arnold a serious fight. While it is "Guy Movie" material, the ultimate Arnold Schwarzenegger testosterone flick, the alpha male of films that cause people to role their eyes, is and always has been Commando*.
Commando is, to the eyes of any sensible viewer, an incoherent mess. There are plot holes, flubs, and story machinations that are totally unjustifiable. They don't make any sense, and this is before Arnold and Rae Dawn Chong steal a plane and fly to the vaguely South American island where deposed dictator Arius (Dan Hedaya) is holding his daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano). While looking at IMDB, I noticed their one sentence synopsis, which covers everything anyone would need to know with respect to Commando's plot:A retired elite commando has only a few hours to find and rescue his daughter from an exiled dictator.
And that's pretty much it: the film efficiently sets up that some mysterious killers (led by Bill Duke) is wiping out members of John Matrix (Schwarzenegger)'s old team in order to flush Matrix out. When they found out where he is, they kidnap Jenny and Bennett (Vernon Wells), a member of Matrix's team who faked his death, tells the commando he has to kill the new President so Arius can blah blah blah...
We all know what happens next: Matrix promises to kill everyone, and he does - including an island full of armed soldiers - rescues his daughter, and then fights Bennett to the finish, complete with a closing pun. But not just any pun - Arnold fans know that you can expect only the cheesiest from the Governator:
Speaking of which, how about Bennett's last line, "I'm going to shoot you between the balls!" What does that even mean?
It's indicative of how ruthlessly efficient Commando is: there isn't even enough time to come up with good threats to throw down between sweaty meatheads, one of whom just happens to be the bad guy from The Road Warrior AND Weird Science! The kind of movie where Arnold and moon-faced David Patrick Kelly exchange tough guy pleasantries, and then this happens:
Actually, let's go one step further, because you can see the smashed car door at the very end of that video. But when the car drives away, this happens:
See what I mean? Ruthless efficiency. Commando is full of it, and to many this would be inexcusable. Hell, as a sensible cinephile, as someone who likes to suspend my disbelief as often as possible, a person for whom continuity errors can be maddening, I should bristle at the mere thought of some of the shenanigans on display in Commando. But I don't.
I give Commando a pass I rarely give movies so sloppily executed, because it has no aspirations to be anything more than a vehicle for Arnold Schwarzenegger to be a one-man army that no collection of tough guys can stop. I can't even be bothered to throw in a sex scene between Martix and Cindy (Chong) because there isn't time. Honestly, it's dubious at best to suggest there's any kind of relationship between the two of them, other than she somehow gradually forgives Matrix for kidnapping her and ripping the passenger seat out of her car. The father / daughter dynamic is, I suppose, more "important" in that director Mark Lester (Class of 1984) and screenwriter Steven E. de Souza (Die Hard) fit in a montage of "bonding" between the two. It includes eating ice cream, horseplay in the pool, feeding a deer, and Arnold carrying most of a tree on his shoulder to chop up for firewood.
Of course, we know Jenny isn't in trouble (ever) because John Matrix can't be stopped. There is no suspense in Commando whatsoever, which should also seriously diminish my interest in the film, based on other reviews where I took films to task for that very problem. Yet, I do not hold it against Commando. I openly admit to you that the film is stupid, sloppy, loud, violent, and does nothing to enrich society.
The film appeals to the adolescent buried deep inside the Cap'n, which is why this is a "Retro Review." I cannot say with certainty when I first saw Commando, although it was certainly on VHS and very likely at a friend's house. My brother owns (owned?) a copy of the tape, but I know I saw it before he had one. I'd seen it many times before that, probably once on cable (although that doesn't do this movie any justice**), and I still watch Commando every now and then. Despite its many deficiencies, Commando is entertaining. It's not political in the same pro-fascist way that Dirty Harry is (nor does it have as satisfying a conclusion); it doesn't bother with establishing character dynamics in the way Predator or Lethal Weapon do; hell, it's not even in the same area code as Die Hard. And all of those films, relative merits aside, are cheesy.
Commando is cheesy for Arnold Schwarzenegger, and we're talking about a man who made The Running Man, Red Heat, Conan the Destroyer, Total Recall and Kindergarten Cop. If you see a list of "Mindless Action Films" and Commando isn't at the top, then the person who wrote that list doesn't know what they're talking about. Rambo: First Blood Part II wishes it was as ridiculous as Commando. When Chuck Norris looks at his Bucket List, "Travel back in time to be in Commando" is still at the top. Steven Seagal came close a few times; Van Damme needed Dolph to get Universal Soldier near that level of dumb, but Commando stands head and shoulder above them all.
Here's the kicker, the reason I mention all of this: Put Commando on at a party. People will love it - even the ladies who wander in and out of the living room to shake their heads at the guys glued to the screen. There's too much in Commando to not like the film, to not sit there in awe that something so goofy yet so entertaining exists. From the steel drum score to the blink-and-you'll-miss-it gratudity to the chase scene in the Chopping Mall, Commando has a little something for everybody.
For that, I give it a pass. More than a pass - despite the fact that I should know better, as a self-respecting fan of quality cinema, than to "like" something so mindless while denigrating the Transformers films, there is some appeal to simple-minded action films. More so even than the Jason Statham / Dwayne Johnson / Vin Diesel releases of late, Commando exists as the kind of movie you couldn't get away with now, a movie so singularly tailored to the adolescent male that irony and self-reflexiveness have no place. Can The Expendables say that? Can Crank? Can The Rundown?
It's not that there's anything wrong with those films, necessarily, but when people talk about the "Guy Movie," more often than not they're describing Commando without identifying it by name. It is pure, unrestrained Id, plowing through male wish fulfillment without stopping to wonder if it makes any sense. Turn your nose away (and many do), but try that party test. Let me know what happens.
* "But wait," you say, "what about Conan the Barbarian?" to which I reply, "Again, good movie. Macho, yes, chauvinistic, yes, but still a movie people get invested in."
** It would be like watching John Carpenter's Vampires on cable - not the same AT ALL.
No comments:
Post a Comment