I still feel pretty bad about being so mean to Blood Runs Cold on Friday. Sure, it's not a good movie, but the people who made it clearly were doing the best they could to make a horror movie that offered something new. I happened to think that what they did really didn't work in the second half of the film, and yeah I maybe was a little hung up on the "we're trying to fool you and make you think this isn't a Swedish film" angle, but they gave it a go.
While it's in no way comparable (and probably even less fair), the Cap'n thought he might stand up for some movies that totally don't deserve it. Like in a million years don't deserve having anyone go to bat for them, but that's what I do. I'll defend these pieces of shit So You Won't Have To. You can continue hating on them, disparaging them, and feel confident that Cap'n Howdy took the "Devil's Advocate" argument - and probably lost.
Speaking of which, let's start with
The Devil's Advocate - It's a study in methods of over and under acting. Maybe even extreme over and under acting on the part of the film's two leads - Al Pacino and Keanu Reeves. People tend to remember Pacino hamming it up more from Scent of a Woman, but he's so far over the top by the end of The Devil's Advocate that one is willing to overlook the fact that Keanu Reeves' southern accent has completely disappeared. Oh, and there's the wall of writhing naked people and Reeves blowing his brains out. What's not to love, right?
Shit Coffin -Okay, so let's ignore everything that the writers, producers, and director have to say about this brainless remake of Friday the 13th. Instead of listening to their idiotic explanations of why Shit Coffin is scary or paying homage or any of that crap, let's try Professor Murder's explanation of the film. Shit Coffin is a comedic deconstruction of slasher movie stereotypes wrapped in a slick exterior designed to trick modern horror audiences into thinking they aren't watching subversive entertainment. Yeah, that's the ticket. If you squint and turn your head juuuuust the right way, it almost makes sense.
Horror of the Blood Monsters - So what if the Cap'n has never finished Horror of the Blood Monsters (also known as Vampire Men from the Lost Planet). That doesn't mean that something REALLY AMAZING is waiting just beyond the twenty minute mark. In fact, I bet there is, and shame on me for depriving myself of that experience. Shame on me indeed.
Blade Trinity - Heh, well, the thing is, you see... there's Triple H flipping the bird at the sun. That's something, right? And Ryan Reynolds is constantly cracking jokes, well after they're funny to anyone in the film or the audience. And for some reason people speak Esperanto and watch Incubus and Patton Oswalt plays basketball. That all happens. Blade? Who's Blade? Wesley Snipes is in that movie? No way!
Resident Evil - Well... there wouldn't be a Resident Evil Apocalypse without it. That's as far as I'm willing to go.
Night of the Living Dead 3-D - Sid Haig gotta eat. In 3-D if possible.
The Exorcist II: The Heretic - Okay, you got me. I have nothing. There's nothing in this film I can really apologize for, or make a case for, or anything that isn't just weird for the sake of weirdness. Go ahead, explain to me what James Earl Jones is doing in this film. Please.
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