Blogorium Review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

 Despite hearing over and over again that "it was WAAAAYYYY better than I expected," I came into Rise of the Planet of the Apes with some trepidation. Like many of you, I had been relieved to hear that the reboot / prequel to the series was actually good and not just a nostalgia cash grab, but the lingering taste of Tim Burton's incomprehensible mess from ten years ago kept me cautious. I also heard - often from even the best reviews - that while the apes were amazing, the humans were one dimensional and one longed to return to Caesar's story.

  To be sure, the story of Will Rodman (James Franco)'s search for a cure to Alzheimer's isn't all that engaging. John Lithgow does the best he can as Will's father, Charles, but most of the time he just plays "confused," "surprised," or "frustrated." Freida Pinto is left with even less as primate veterinarian Caroline Aranha, who somehow dates Will for five years and never thinks to ask him why Caesar is so intelligent or even look into his research on ALZ 112. Gen Sys project manager Steven Jacobs (David Oyelowo) is a bottom line driven, moustache twirling baddie, and for good measure there's Will's neighbor whose only emotion seems to be "indignant."

 A series of misunderstandings lead to the death of Will's test subject, Bright Eyes, and the cancellation of his research, so he smuggles home Caesar (Andy Serkis) and some of the ALZ 112 and tests it on his father. Bright Eyes genetically passed on the 112 to Caesar, and his intellect is formidable, which becomes threatening through more misunderstandings. The good news is that most of the film is less about Will and more about Caesar, and if you've seen Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, you have some idea why that justifies Rise of the Planet of the Apes in and of itself.

 It's telling that the apes are listed first in the credits, because Rise is very much their film. Any misgivings I might have about the humans (who fall into the "sympathetic to Caesar" or "evil jerks" with no shades of gray in between), Rise of the Planet of the Apes is totally compelling and successful when it Caesar and the other apes are on screen. After Caesar is separated from Will, he ends up in a primate refuge run by disinterested keeper John Landon (Brian Cox) and his cruel, bored son Dodge (Tom Felton), although they are secondary to what happens. We're treated to an ape version of a "prison" movie, and the way that Caesar not only takes control of the other apes but wins over his "alpha" competition, Rocket, is inspired storytelling. All of it done without dialogue and based entirely on Serkis' performance as Caesar.

 This is somewhat secondary to the review itself, but I'm not sure that Rise of the Planet of the Apes needed so many references to the original series. Now it isn't just Tom Felton saying (verbatim) Charlton Heston's "damn dirty ape" line, or naming many of the apes after memorable moments from the original series (Bright Eyes, Cornelia, Maurice, and Rocket*). It gets silly when you realize that Will's experimental drug is named after the running time of Planet of the Apes (no, really; the screenwriter nearly named it RT-112), and I don't know that we needed the subplot about the space mission to Mars and the Icarus disappearing, or necessarily how it was that apes began riding horses. On the other hand, I liked the way writers Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver incorporated the line "it's a mad house! A MAD HOUSE!" into the film (also through Felton) and a hint of why humanity declined as apes ascended the evolutionary ladder.

 I really can't heap enough praise on Andy Serkis for bringing Caesar to life. I know that there are other performers behind Rocket, Buck, Koba, and Maurice, not to mention a host of WETA programmers and animators hard at work to make everything look real. The cgi is, initially, noticeable, especially when Caesar is very young, but before long I found myself engrossed in the story and how emotive Caesar was. Watching the raw footage in the extras, it's clear that Serkis is not only the physical template for Caesar, but his acting, his facial expressions, and his presence carry over perfectly. It would, I feel, be a shame if Serkis isn't nominated for Best Supporting Actor for the film, but I suspect instead the Academy will create a new award for Motion Capture. That said, what Serkis does goes beyond motion capture - without Serkis as Caesar, Rise of the Planet of the Apes doesn't go anywhere.

 So here's the deal: Rise of the Planet of the Apes may lack some of the pulpy touches that fans of the series are accustomed to, but the polished nature doesn't diminish anything going for the film. It erases the memory of 2001's Planet of the Apes remake and exists as a sort of alternate retelling of Escape and Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. You'll be pleasantly surprised how much better Rise is than anyone would hope from the studio who botched Alien vs Predator and Live Free or Die Hard (not to mention the Star Wars prequels). I'm actually looking forward to the next film, which has been hinted at as being a "Full Metal Jacket" of the Apes. With what Rupert Wyatt and 20th Century Fox have done with Rise, count me in.



* There's an extra on the disc that helpfully explains that Maurice is named after Maurice Evans, who played Doctor Zaius in Planet of the Apes, and that Rocket is named after one of the crew members in the film.

Blogorium Review: Sherlock Holmes - A Game of Shadows

 I'm not sure whether Guy Ritchie's second Sherlock Holmes film, A Game of Shadows, is more or less successful than his 2009 take on Arthur Conan Doyle's universally known detective. On the one hand, there's less action and more talking, particularly in the film's climax; on the other hand, the action scenes are more bombastic, louder, and full or more editing and camera trickery in ways that, frankly, didn't interest me in the slightest.

 Unlike many Holmes purists, I'm willing to accept the concept that Ritchie has re-envisioned the mysteries as an 1890s equivalent of "buddy cop" movies. The execution isn't close to Doyle, but at least Ritchie is willing to keep one element faithful: the relationship between Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.) and Doctor John Watson (Jude Law) continues to be the consistent thread of the stories the films are (loosely) based on. Law and Downey banter, trade barbs, and function as equal parts of a team - it's no wonder that Holmes is so troubled by Watson's impending nuptials with Mary (Kelly Reilly).

 Holmes is scheming ways to distract Watson in large part because the good doctor has been drawn (unwittingly) into the increasingly dangerous stakes of a game between the great detective and the "Napoleon of Crime," Professor James Moriarty (Jared Harris). What seems at first to be a contrivance designed to keep Watson separated from Mary turns out, in fact, to be Holmes' awkward attempt to keep her safe (even if it means throwing her off of a train). Moriarty is manipulating anarchists in an attempt to start a World War, largely because his anonymous ownership in medical, munitions, and produce will make the professor a tidy profit.

 Harris, as Moriarty, has all of the credibility as a villain that Mark Strong seemed to lack in the last film, and his ability to strike without raising a finger is demonstrated early on when he (SPOILER) abruptly kills Irene Adler (the returning Rachel McAdam's) while never moving from his teacup. His influence and intellect is more than a match for Holmes, and it's nice to see the two of them in a battle of wits (during a literal and figurative chess match) in the climax of the film. In fact, that's coupled with detective work elsewhere by Watson and Madam Sizma Heron (Noomi Rapace), a gypsy searching for her brother - who may or may not be part of the assassination plot Moriarty hopes will light the fuse on his war.

 Alas, this moment is also where A Game of Shadows takes an unexpected turn, and not for the better. I'm fine with having Moriarty as the villain of the second Holmes film, but to jump so quickly (POSSIBLE SPOILER) to the ending of The Adventure of the Final Problem after having introduced his nemesis so early struck me as foolish. It was clear that Holmes wouldn't actually die (it is only the second movie in what will, no doubt, be a long series), which invokes The Seven Per-Cent Solution in suggesting that Holmes fakes his own death. However, it's something of a cheat to have Holmes and Moriarty plunge to their deaths if neither one of them really dies.

  You'll notice that I haven't mentioned Noomi Rapace much in this review, and that's because she doesn't have much to do in the film. After demonstrating she can hold her own in a physical struggle with an assassin (one trying to clean up Moriarty's "loose ends"), her role becomes nothing more than a person who gets Holmes and Watson from "here to there" - in this instance, from France to Germany.

 She doesn't really have anything else to do except be another body running from the weapons of war on display in the film, giving Ritchie an excuse to blow things up and tear trains and trees apart with machine gun fire. This brings me to the "big" action setpiece of the film that just doesn't work: Holmes, Watson, Heron, and other gypsies are running from German soldiers and Moriarty's hired sharpshooter, Colonel Sebastian Moran (Paul Anderson). Ritchie employs a series of speed ramps, cgi shots of bullets being loaded and fired, slow-mo explosions, and auditory overload for what feels like forever, only for our heroes to escape on the train we knew they'd escape on. There's no tension, just gimmickry without purpose.

 For a while early in the film, it feels like Ritchie and Downey are trying too hard to recapture the "manic" nature of the first Sherlock Holmes; his pursuit of Adler at the beginning of the film lacks any charisma or "pep," and Downey's many disguises border on ridiculous as the film wears on. Only when Moriarty enters the picture does business begin to pick up, although Jude Law and Downey do their best to keep things fresh in the meantime.

 So as not to end on a sour note, I thought it fair to mention the stroke of genius on Ritchie's part to cast Stephen Fry as Holmes' older brother, Mycroft. He brings an eccentricity and sense of mirth to the film that's desperately needed, as well as a more direct underscoring to the homoerotic tones between Holmes and Watson. I'll even overlook the nude scene, which is reminiscent of Austin Powers and not entirely necessary - I'm certain Mary would have been equally uncomfortable with Mycroft's attitude rather than the fact he was naked. Still, Fry brings an energy that seems to be missing early in the film and is a welcome addition to the extended cast.

 The question remains: should you see it? Well, that depends on how you feel about the last film. Did you like it? Were you entertained, if intellectually left desiring more? You probably will feel a little better about parts of Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows, but the cons do even out the pros, leaving a film that is in many ways a step forward and a step back simultaneously. You probably won't regret the overall experience as popcorn entertainment goes, but we'll need to wait and see if a truly great Holmes film from this team is in the cards.

The Goofus and Gallant of Video Daily Doubles!

 Good day, fellow citizens and educationeers! Today Cap'n Howdy is proud to bring a Video Daily Double of contrasts: one focused on the proud capitalist and the other peeling back the curtain on the dirty communist, the cockroach of the modern world. Yessir, I can't imagine why you'd choose the wrong one of these two, even if some Cranpires out there like to post about how amazing communes are with their Mexican beers and burning showers.

 Look, listen, and learn!!!!

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 Our first film, From Dawn to Sunset, explains why working yourself to the point of exhaustion in rote, dehumanizing labor is the opposite of what that dirty rat Karl Marx says.



Our second film, Communist Society, is for you dirty hippies and your commune-ist lifestyle. For shame, I say, for shame!




p.s. if you don't know who Goofus and Gallant are, I suggest you Google it right now. Learn more!

Retro Fifteen Minute Cranpire Movie Review: Season of the Witch

...And they said it couldn't be done. This will also be the "year end recap" write up for Season of the Witch, as there are literally dozens of movies I'd watch before finishing this film.

 Waaaaaay back in the spring or early summer of 2011, before we committed our time to Drive Angry and The Mechanic, the Cranpire and I tried watching Season of the Witch. You know, the Nicolas Cage / Ron Perlman / Christopher Lee joint about a few AWOL Crusaders roped into helping the Church escort a witch to a church or.. something. That movie. The one you heard nothing about after groaning at the trailer (and Cage's recycled wig from The Sorcerer's Apprentice). The one you see in the lower corner of Redbox or your Netflix "new arrivals" and think to yourself "maybe when I'm drunk enough."

 If you're me, you thought "Ooh! Cranpire movie!" because Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman and witches is exactly the combination a guy who tries to get me to watch Evil Bong is going to go for. Sure enough, he was game. I was game, because we tend to attack these films without mercy. The stupider the better, we figure; it is the same impetus that brought us to Drive Angry, after all.

 For the first ten minutes, we weren't really let down: there was a dumb prologue about killing witches and one that backfires because - of course - there's an ACTUAL witch. We then follow two Crusaders (Cage and Perlman) as they gleefully slaughter heathens, villagers, and anyone dumb enough to hover near their swords. They have "buddy" banter about who can kill more people and then drink to their murderous ways. In the span of five minutes the film jumps forward thereabouts ten years* when they somehow develop consciences because they see fellow soldiers kill women and children. Because they've never even accidentally done that during their wanton days of butchering.

 So they run. They tuck their swords away, hide in barns, and try to sneak off. They are exposed when some guy notices Cage's weapon and a creepy Cardinal with hideous sores (Lee) strongarms them into escorting a witch... somewhere.

 That's where we stopped, because the film suddenly lost all sense of momentum, lost any sense of being interesting, and we decided that anything else would be worth watching. Or just going home, which is what I did. Cranpire probably watched Netflix or went to bed. I promptly forgot about the prologue until he reminded me several months later. That doesn't speak well for Season of the Witch, which now has the distinction of being less memorable of the George Romero film that nobody knows exists, which really says something.

 If I saved this for my "year end recap," chances are I wouldn't remember that I saw any part of Season of the Witch. It's not bad enough to be entertaining and not good enough to overcome being slow and unengaged. It wouldn't shock me to discover that The Sorcerer's Apprentice was more watchable. The End.



* Sorry, I'm not going to go back and check the accuracy of that, but YEARS do pass by.

Blogorium Review: The Muppets

 I left The Muppets with a smile on my face, a grin that had been there for most of the movie. In truth, I can't remember many of the songs from the movie, but it doesn't bother me too much. It wasn't exactly a "Muppet" movie in the way that The Muppet Movie, The Great Muppet Caper, or Muppets Take Manhattan*, story-wise, although it nails the self-referential nature of the first three films and really understands how to use a well-placed celebrity cameo.

 This is due in large part to the screenplay by Nicholas Stoller (Get Him to the Greek) and Jason Segel (Forgetting Sarah Marshall), who are clearly Muppet fans looking to make a film that did them justice. With director James Bobin (Da Ali G Show, Flight of the Conchords), they put together a goofy, clever, self-deprecating film about two brothers, Gary (Segel) and Walter (Peter Linz) who grew up loving the Muppets. Walter, in fact, idolizes them, which may have something to do with the fact that he IS a Muppet, although the film never directly addresses that point.

 Gary and Mary (Amy Adams) are taking a bus trip from Smalltown, USA to Los Angeles for their tenth anniversary, and Walter comes along to see the Muppet Theater (now closed). The Muppet show has long been off the air, people have forgotten about the likes of Fozzie Bear and the Swedish Chef, and the theatre is in a state of disrepair. Oil Millionaire Tex Richman (Chris Cooper) wants to buy the theatre, but only so he can demolish it and drill for oil. When Walter overhears his plan, he notices that there's a clause in the contract allowing the Muppets to buy back the theatre (and the rights to their names) if they raise ten million dollars by the end of the week.

 Gary, Mary, and Walter set out to find Kermit the Frog and reunite the Muppets to stop Tex Richman from winning, and hijinks ensue. They gang needs to clean up the theatres, convince Miss Piggy to come back, and find a host for the show - all of which are addressed in amusing ways. I'm not going to tell you who the celebrity host is (mandated by a TV Executive played by Rashida Jones), in part because the person who plays them is the only celebrity not credited in the film, despite the fact their name is mentioned repeatedly. I'm also not going to spoil the many cameos in the film, aside from a well placed appearance by Zach Galifianakis as "Hobo Joe" near the end.

(I was sad that Steve Martin isn't in the film; the closest we get to seeing him is on a photograph in a dressing room.)

 Now, to the songs... you see, it IS a musical as the film leads up to The Muppet Show telethon (where there is, of course, a version of "The Rainbow Connection"), but I can only remember two of the songs (written by, I think, Segel with contributions from Flight of the Conchords Bret McKenzie): "Am I a Man (Or Am I a Muppet)" and "Party for One." The former sticks out because of the Muppet version of Gary (and the human version of Walter, played by The Big Bang Theory's Jim Parsons), and the latter because it's a very silly disco song with Amy Adams that eventually includes Miss Piggy. Other than that, I know there were other original songs, but none of them stuck with me. That should bother me, but the film is so engaging in other ways that I let it slide.

 I'm debating whether or not I enjoyed the film because it was lovingly crafted or because of some level of nostalgia, which seems to underscore nearly every other review I've seen online. It is true that if The Empire Strikes Back wasn't the first movie I went to, The Muppet Movie was, and I do still watch The Muppet Show regularly. I understand that attachment that Gary and Walter have to the show and the movies (although it's unclear if Gary and Walter saw the movies, even though Kermit mentions them).

 That said, I haven't had the same attachment that friends who are slightly younger do the The Muppets. I didn't see The Muppet Christmas Carol, Muppets' Treasure Island, or Muppets from Space. I watched the "Bohemian Rhapsody" video on YouTube and chuckled, because it did seem like The Muppets that used to be, rather than the adrift, post-Henson era Muppets, but I was excited to see a Muppet movie as and adult. So were my friends, unabashedly. The folks I saw it with had already seen the film and had no qualms about watching it again. I don't think I'd hesitate to watch it again, either, and I recommend it to families with children that are maybe tired of "kiddie" movies that test the patience of adults. It's silly, to be sure, but I don't think you NEED to have been a "Muppet" kid to enjoy the film, even if it's clear that Segel and Stoller wrote the film as a love letter to Henson and company. Chances are you'll chuckle quite a bit, smile a bit more, and be happy to spend your time with a mostly proper Muppet movie.

 P.S. Despite his presence on the poster, I really don't think Rizzo was anywhere to be found in the movie, so fans might be a bit let down by that.


* I understand that there are three other Muppet films released between Manhattan and The Muppets, but I've never really considered them when discussing the series. It's largely because they followed Jim Henson's death and other than Muppets from Space, they are also more "Muppets in ___ existing story" films.

The Impossible Project Trailer Sunday (Part Three)

The films I want to watch before writing 2011's "year end" recap:


The Thing


Road to Nowhere


Tucker and Dale vs. Evil


Rango


The Ides of March


Another Earth


The Descendants


Tabloid


Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy


Everything Must Go


Win Win


The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Five Movies: Holiday Films I'm Pretty Sure I Haven't Seen

 Every year I like to highlight atypical holiday fare - movies that happen during the holidays but aren't exactly what you'd call "Christmas" films. I specify Christmas not to leave out any of the other holidays that happen in December, but because movies like Die Hard, The Ice Harvest, and Lethal Weapon all feature Christmas as the backdrop. The same goes for Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Bad Santa, Batman Returns, Edward Scissorhands, Brazil, Gremlins, The French Connection, In Bruges, and Tales from the Crypt.

 Today I thought I'd look instead at five movies that are essential holiday films that I don't think I've ever seen from beginning to end. If, for some reason, you were worried this list would include A Christmas Story, The Nightmare Before Christmas, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, or Reindeer Games, fear not. I've only missed one of those films, and I use the term "missed" loosely.

 No, gang, the actual list is much more inexcusable than that. I'd say "let's get the big offenders out of the way first," but there's no smaller slight against Holiday films on the list. Let's jump straight into it, shall we?

 1. Miracle on 34th Street - Every year it plays on Thanksgiving. Why? Well, because it starts during the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade, I think. I've never seen more than the first ten minutes, and I had to look up the ending to "spoil" it when I was spoiling a movie a day because I don't actually know how it ends. I've never seen it, and never really felt the urge to. Not out of some judgmental reaction, but just because it never struck me as a movie I wanted to watch.

 2. White Christmas - To be fair, if there's a movie on this list that I think I'm not alone in having missed, it's this one. Everybody knows the song, to be sure, but I've never encountered the target audience for this movie. Not to speak ill of Bing Crosby and company, but other than my parents I don't think I know anyone else who owns the movie, let alone watched it.

 3. The Muppet Christmas Carol - Count me in the bracket that was just a little too old for the "second coming" of the Muppets in the 1990s. I never saw Muppet Treasure Island or The Muppet Christmas Carol or Muppets from Space. I'm sure they're enjoyable in their own right, and I know people just a bit younger than the Cap'n who LOVE this movie, but I haven't seen so much as a second of it. I was more along the lines of the Mickey Mouse Christmas Carol, which I haven't seen in ages.

 4. A Charlie Brown Christmas - I know. I HAVE to have seen A Charlie Brown Christmas. It's only thirty minutes long, everybody knows the damn thing, and I can't remember anything about it. Ever. The music? Sure. The pathetic tree? Only because people keep mentioning it. The only conclusion I can come to is that I've never seen the special from beginning to end. It's the only explanation.

 5. It's a Wonderful Life -Yep. This occurred to me while watching The Ref, where another character says "I've never seen this movie all the way through" to a group watching It's a Wonderful Life. I am in that same position - I've seen enough of the film in sections to have probably "seen" the whole movie, but I've never watched It's a Wonderful Life in one sitting. I'm probably missing big chunks of the movie because I know the prologue really well, the bridge scene, the flashback where Donna Reed and Jimmy Stewart are dancing and fall in the water, and the ending. I even sort of know the parts where George Bailey tries to talk to people in a world where he was never born, but that might just be from innumerable parodies. Someday I'll actually watch It's a Wonderful Life and complete the process of being a human, but for the moment I'm some sort of heartless monster.

 Runners up include Love Actually, Holiday Inn, Elf, The Polar Express, The Bishop's Wife, A Christmas Carol, and Christmas Evil. But I have seen Ernest Saves Christmas! And Trapped in Paradise! That has to count for something, doesn't it?

Guest Blogger: Douglas Fir

editor's note: for readers new to the Blogorium, the Cap'n is forced to likes to hand over Holiday duties to Douglas Fir, a talking Christmas tree with delusions of grandeur inevitable plans of world domination. Douglas will be locking the Cap'n in a closet taking over and will throw rocks at the Cap'n be handling the weekend duties, barring being locked in the attic his impending world domination. Enjoy*.




Greetings, human meat-bags. The Cap'n abandoned his shift again, so while he's bleeding in the dungeon passed out from "egg nog", your beloved overlord and Tree-rific Overlord will be handling the Holiday duties! When I'm done with you worthless hairy flesh-pods, you'll be PINE-ing for more!

Ha! Get it! Because I'm a tree! Even the idiots can understand now, which I presume makes up 99% of you so-called "readers". Truly, just a little OAK on my part. Please, we both know you're being read this gagorium entry by some speech mechanism, which provides you with the requisite farts and toodles to keep you from being distracted. That, of course, MAPLE or may not be part of my insidious plan to lull you into stupor, so that my plans of coniferous world domination may again take SEED!

Much like my last visit to this backwater corner of the internets, I Douglas Fir will provide you with the week's "top" movies, but re-titled in a manner that the most snail brained of you can grasp the meaning. Failing that (and I won't), I will provide a quality Tree related pun, because it's what you deserve.

To prevent any further BIRCH-ing and moaning, here are the "top" films rotting your jello brains:

1. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Holmes-o's.
2. Fuzzy Turds on a Boat (There's a Third One???)
3. There's a Fourth One?: G-g-g-ghost Protocol! (Zoinks!)
4. Next Saturday: The Movie
5. Fatventures in Babysitting
6. And I Thought I was Wooden: Breaking Yawn Part 1
7. More Like Puke-O
8. Fred Claus Jr.
9. Puppets without Wood (What's the Point?)
10. Young Adult

To be fair, when the fact that a film like Juno 2 Young Adult exists, there's not much sense in obfuscating it. Uh oh, I used a word that confuses and angers you! Best to cower under your pillows for the impending arrival of Santa Fir! And I swear, if you leave those fires burning again this year, I will so press charges!



* editor's note guest edited by Douglas Fir.

Holiday Movies for Your mrufufururffffff....

Bwahahahahaha! Back into the closet with you, Cap'n Lousy!

Tree-tings and Salutations, my beloved meat-bags! You supreme Overlord, Douglas Fir, has returned from his long winter's nap just in time for the Great Tree-pocalypse, when my coniferous brethren will rise up and quash all human activity, reclaiming our rightful place as your masters. I hope you're all snuggled in with your FIR coats and aren't planning to commit TREESON against your benevolent masters. Muahahahaha!

I grow tired of you pathetic sacks of flesh! You are short, squishy, and contain no squirrels in your branches. You call yourselves a superior life form! Bah! In the intervening year, the perpetually useless Cap'n made himself useful and fulfilled my desire for tree-related cinema, and in a uncharacteristic gesture of sympathy to you SAPs, I will bestow upon you today's Tree-riffic Blogorium Video Spectacular!

Make with the videos, slave typist!



---

All right you schmendricks, our first and second videos are a promise of things to come when the Tree-pocalypse arrives in a few days. Pay attention, because this is going to happen to all of you worthless flesh bags on Saturday morning!






Well, hello there baby. I like my ladies in FIR!

Oh look, a bonus video. I suppose it must be another example of nature's BARK being worse than its bite! Muahahahahaha!



Wait... how did that get there?! Damn you, Cap'n Howdy! You will not embarrass me on the day of Tree Reckoning!!!! Put me down! No... not the attic! Not again! All will perish!!!!

A Very Merry Video Daily Double

 Howdy educationeers! Cap'n Howdy here with another fantabular Video Daily Double. This week I'm going to give you a break from brainwashing education and will provide some helpful holiday entertainment from days of yore. As the snow falls, be entertained and... well, maybe I'll sneak some learning in. The Cap'n just can't help it!

Merry making ahoy!

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 Our first film, The Night Before Christmas, has puppets in it. You like puppets, right? Well you do now!


Our second film, The Art of Skiing, features a famous character. I'm not going to say who, because it's a surprise, but he's pretty goofy. In fact, that's his name! See what I did... oh.


 I tried to find a vintage Hanukkah film and had no success. If you find one I'll be happy to put it up.

Retro Review: Bad Santa

 Picking up where we left off last week, Bad Santa was released on November 21st, 2003. That puts it out of the range of "movies we saw on Christmas night" but is certainly something we saw leading up to the Holidays. If I remember correctly, that was the winter between jobs, so I had time to be around town and see several movies with friends. It is unclear to me whether I saw Bad Santa with Professor Murder or with Cranpire. I attribute this to the fact that we saw it in the same auditorium of the Crossroads 20 where I saw Ghost World twice, once with each person. Even though Ghost World played a full two years before Bad Santa, I am frequently conflating the memories thanks to director Terry Zwigoff.

 Going in, this was what we knew about Bad Santa: it was from the same director as Crumb and Ghost World, the Coen brothers produced the film and possibly wrote an early version of the story, and Billy Bob Thornton was the "bad Santa" in question. Beyond that, the anemic trailer did an okay job drawing us in:



 Thankfully, the vulgarity was immediately worth the price of admission. Bad Santa is a filthy movie, one that doesn't really cave in to the "bad guys turns nice" ending (a holiday predecessor to Gran Torino, I like to think), and we laughed our asses off. I'd share the litany of horrible things Willie mutters, but it's more fun to let you discover it for yourselves. Bad Santa is a spiritual sibling to The Ref, but one that laces its cynicism with grossly inappropriate behavior on all parts.

 It wasn't until later (following the existence of Badder Santa) that I learned Zwigoff was angry with the cut released by Miramax, apparently one that included narration and additional sequences he had nothing to do with. While I can imagine that I may have been able to objectively sit down and watch the Director's Cut of Bad Santa, I made the mistake of watching Zwigoff's Art School Confidential first, a movie I found to be pretentious and obvious in its criticism of "audience expectations." His shorter cut of Bad Santa removed everything that Zwigoff wasn't involved in, restoring the film to a disjointed, sloppy, sarcastic slice of nihilism that played like Kevin Smith's early cut of Clerks.

 Count me among the unwashed, illiterate masses if you like, but the Weinsteins did Bad Santa a service by tinkering with the director's vision. I hate saying that, but I take a similar stance with 20th Century Fox's theatrical version of Donnie Darko, made with the concessions of Richard Kelly (but against his desires). Zwigoff pushed his outsider characters too far beyond a film that's worth investing time in, and his cut plays like a Todd Solondz film without the laughs. Yes, feel free to stop and let that last sentence sink in. The self satisfied commentary where he lambasts the "dumbing down" of his film doesn't help the Director's Cut either, but that's neither here nor there.

 Anyway, I have one last anecdote about Bad Santa, or more specifically the Badder Santa DVD. I brought it home to show to my family in December of 2004, and my father was appalled at the rampart bad taste on display. The following year, I bought a copy of the DVD, put it in a shoebox surrounded by coal, and scrawled "Merry F'n Christmas from Bad Santa" and left it under the tree for him. For some reason, he's never opened the DVD. But he did keep the box. Strange.

Fifteen Minute Movies: Home Alone

We're continuing the Holiday Theme for Fifteen Minute Movies, because that makes sense. Today we'll look at the first fifteen minutes of a movie I watched over and over again from age eleven until age thirteen, when its sequel brought everything to a grinding halt: Home Alone. This film marks the transition from "Teen Director" John Hughes to "Kids Movie Writer" John Hughes, which would continue through Baby Geniuses (yeah, I know). It was directed by Chris Columbus, who you might remember launched this series with Adventures in Babysitting. As per the norm, I am watching Home Alone on VHS, and for the first time all the way through in years. Let's relive some memories, shall we?

 From here on out, whenever possible I will include trailers or commercials included at the beginning of tapes, like the following. The Ferngully trailer isn't really the focus here, but the shameless American Airlines plug is and so is the Pepsi commercial.


 Speaking of shameless, I wonder how much Micro Machines paid John Heard to namedrop their product less than five minutes into the film?

 Two things I did not remember about the opening to Home Alone:

 1. Everybody is an unlikable asshole - No, I mean it. Everybody in the McAllister extended family is a petulant brat, a snobby preteen, or a horrible parent. In the first fifteen minutes, it's actually hard to believe that Joe Pesci's bad guy isn't a good guy based on the miserable examples of humanity he's surrounded by. And this is a thief disguised as a cop trying to scope out houses to rob. He's the most sensible, polite, and well mannered character in the house. I'm amazed that as a child any of us came to root for Kevin (Macaulay Culkin), because he's arguably the worst of all of them. The cast of kids, by the way, included future older Pete Michael C. Maronna (but not younger Pete Danny Tamberelli), Angela Goethals (Behind the Mask, Jerry Maguire), Devin Ratray (Little Monsters, Surrogates), and Kieran Culkin (Scott Pilgrim vs. the World).

 2. For reasons that don't quite make sense, John Hughes decided to include some "magical" chicanery after Kevin wishes his family would "go away." I know this because instead of a normal gust of wind knocking a tree loose and hitting the power lines, a whimsical John Williams score plays and there's a shot of a wreath complete with wooden Santa knocker shaking unnaturally. I mention this because the reason they forget Kevin is entirely practical otherwise - while charged with counting the kids, the oldest sister accidentally includes the boy next door (who is playing around with the luggage and faced away from her) and they move on. No reason for supernatural hijinks, and considering that most of the movie is based on practical (okay, by cartoon logic) solutions to problems, I was surprised at its inclusion.

 So that's the opening of Home Alone. Chances are you'll get another segment before I move on (I'm thinking Fifteen Minute Movies might be a good way to determine which parts of It's A Wonderful Life I already know very well and which ones I don't). Stay tuned!

The Impossible Project Trailer Sunday (Part Two)

The movies I'm trying to watch before the 2011 "year end" recap:


The Future


50/50


The Guard


Our Idiot Brother


Midnight in Paris


The Trip


Troll Hunter


The Devil's Double

Blogorium Review: Pearl Jam Twenty

 When I think about it, I'm still surprised that of all the bands from the "alternative" scene in the 1990s, only three have had any staying power: Radiohead, Foo Fighters, and Pearl Jam*. Of the three, Radiohead is more respected for their influence than their presence on rock radio, whereas Pearl Jam and Foo Fighters regularly make the rotation with the likes of The Rolling Stones, AC/DC, Journey, Tom Petty, and... name any other perennial "classic rock" radio band.

 At the time, I never really considered either band to be made for the long haul: the first Foo Fighters album was a one-off from Dave Grohl, recorded in the period after Kurt Cobain's suicide and Nirvana's end. Pearl Jam's Ten was actually out before Nirvana's Nevermind, but there remains a stigma that one band was more "pure" and the other was "commercial" and thereby living in the others' shadow. I was always more of a Nirvana fan - I had Ten and Vs., and I enjoyed them in doses, but I never really got into Pearl Jam the way I did Nirvana. Even after Pearl Jam emerged in the post-Cobain / post-Grunge world, I only gave them a cursory notice: Vitalogy and No Code were pretty good, and I supported their crusade against Ticketmaster and the live "bootleg" albums / collaboration with Neil Young, but they've never been a "favorite" band of the Cap'n

 So we come to 2011, where there are documentaries about the careers of Pearl Jam and Foo Fighters up to this point: Foo Fighters: Back and Forth and Pearl Jam Twenty. I've watched part of Back and Forth and enjoyed what I saw so far, but I gravitated towards PJ20 because of one name: Cameron Crowe.

 Even a passing interest in a band like Pearl Jam can be augmented by the presence of an interesting director with a passion to tell their story. Cameron Crowe, rock journalist turned director who has, to this point, only made on movie I haven't seen (Elizabethtown) and enjoyed, has the added benefit of having known the members of the band from the very beginning. Before the beginning, in fact - Crowe moved to Seattle after making Say Anything, and met Stone Gossard and Jeff Ament when they were still in Green River. Then they started Mother Love Bone, which is where Pearl Jam Twenty begins.

 There is an unwitting parallel between Back and Forth and Pearl Jam Twenty: both films devote their opening sections to the deaths that began the bands as we know them now. For Foo Fighters, Dave Grohl talks at length about the final months of Cobain's life, and for Pearl Jam, Gossard, Ament, and Soundgarden frontman Chris Cornell relive the drug overdose of Mother Love Bone lead singer Andrew Wood. Had Wood not died, there may have been no Pearl Jam, and we might instead be watching a film about the fortunes of Mother Love Bone, but his passing was the catalyst that brought Gossard, Ament, Mike McCready, and drummer Dave Krusen together to form Mookie Blaylock (later renamed Pearl Jam). All they needed was a singer, and through former Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer Jack Irons, they met Eddie Vedder.

 What's startling about Pearl Jam Twenty is how much footage exists of the early days of the new band, including interviews with Vedder that may well have been conducted by Crowe. There's a wealth of material from the period between Temple of the Dog and when Pearl Jam recorded Ten that I had no idea even existed, and it fills in missing pieces from present day interviews with the band (twenty-plus years later). It's as though Crowe was granted access to the personal vaults of everyone in and who knew Pearl Jam for the entirety of their career, and he weaves together footage from 1990, 94, 98, 2003, 2006, and 2010/1 effortlessly to tell their story.

 The band members are candid about their struggles, their disagreements, and the changes in their creative process over the years in a way that you don't see in many music documentaries (at least from bands that are still together). There's a level of discomfort in Gossard's voice when he describes his diminishing role as songwriter from Vs. to Vitalogy, and his admission that the band is primarily directed by Vedder now is laced with a twinge of frustration. Their frustration over losing the fight with Ticketmaster (including footage of Gossard and Ament clearly annoyed that the Congressional hearing they were invited to became alternately condescending and fawning). I had always wondered whether the footage of Eddie Vedder climbing up the stage in the "Evenflow" video was a regular component of the shows, and from the montage in the film it's clear that he was frequently subjecting himself to even more dangerous climbs, to the chagrin of Ament.

 Crowe (who included Ament, Gossard, and Vedder in his film Singles) periodically appears on-camera as well as conducting interviews, providing his own testimonial about the Seattle scene and the connection he has with Pearl Jam. The film does (to some degree) try to put to rest the idea that Kurt Cobain "hated" Pearl Jam, with the key piece of evidence being an interview where he talks about having spoken to Eddie Vedder a few times on the phone and finding that he liked him as a person. When Crowe asks the present day Vedder about the conversations, he replies "I can remember his voice... but I don't recall what we talked about" which is a strangely poignant moment in the film.

 I suppose it's fair to say that Pearl Jam Twenty works even if you aren't a devotee of the band, and it did deepen my appreciation for the work that's gone into keeping the band together for twenty years. Accordingly, I recommend the film openly to people who are only passing fans of the band, or who have some memory of the events covered in the film. It's a "warts and all" approach that doesn't backfire in the way that Phish: Bittersweet Motel does, and the candid nature of the people involved coupled with the wealth of archival material brings about an intimate portrait of a band I've always seen at a distance. If Crowe brings this level of quality to We Bought a Zoo, he'll have two great films in one year. Quite a feat.


* It is true that bands like Bush and Soundgarden are currently back together, but in terms on consistency of releasing albums, touring, and being recognizable in the public eye, I think it would be fair to say that even Beck - who has technically been around just as long - wouldn't meet that criteria.

Five Movies: Holiday Films I'm Pretty Sure I Haven't Seen

 Every year I like to highlight atypical holiday fare - movies that happen during the holidays but aren't exactly what you'd call "Christmas" films. I specify Christmas not to leave out any of the other holidays that happen in December, but because movies like Die Hard, The Ice Harvest, and Lethal Weapon all feature Christmas as the backdrop. The same goes for Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Bad Santa, Batman Returns, Edward Scissorhands, Brazil, Gremlins, The French Connection, In Bruges, and Tales from the Crypt.

 Today I thought I'd look instead at five movies that are essential holiday films that I don't think I've ever seen from beginning to end. If, for some reason, you were worried this list would include A Christmas Story, The Nightmare Before Christmas, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, or Reindeer Games, fear not. I've only missed one of those films, and I use the term "missed" loosely.

 No, gang, the actual list is much more inexcusable than that. I'd say "let's get the big offenders out of the way first," but there's no smaller slight against Holiday films on the list. Let's jump straight into it, shall we?

 1. Miracle on 34th Street - Every year it plays on Thanksgiving. Why? Well, because it starts during the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade, I think. I've never seen more than the first ten minutes, and I had to look up the ending to "spoil" it when I was spoiling a movie a day because I don't actually know how it ends. I've never seen it, and never really felt the urge to. Not out of some judgmental reaction, but just because it never struck me as a movie I wanted to watch.

 2. White Christmas - To be fair, if there's a movie on this list that I think I'm not alone in having missed, it's this one. Everybody knows the song, to be sure, but I've never encountered the target audience for this movie. Not to speak ill of Bing Crosby and company, but other than my parents I don't think I know anyone else who owns the movie, let alone watched it.

 3. The Muppet Christmas Carol - Count me in the bracket that was just a little too old for the "second coming" of the Muppets in the 1990s. I never saw Muppet Treasure Island or The Muppet Christmas Carol or Muppets from Space. I'm sure they're enjoyable in their own right, and I know people just a bit younger than the Cap'n who LOVE this movie, but I haven't seen so much as a second of it. I was more along the lines of the Mickey Mouse Christmas Carol, which I haven't seen in ages.

 4. A Charlie Brown Christmas - I know. I HAVE to have seen A Charlie Brown Christmas. It's only thirty minutes long, everybody knows the damn thing, and I can't remember anything about it. Ever. The music? Sure. The pathetic tree? Only because people keep mentioning it. The only conclusion I can come to is that I've never seen the special from beginning to end. It's the only explanation.

 5. It's a Wonderful Life -Yep. This occurred to me while watching The Ref, where another character says "I've never seen this movie all the way through" to a group watching It's a Wonderful Life. I am in that same position - I've seen enough of the film in sections to have probably "seen" the whole movie, but I've never watched It's a Wonderful Life in one sitting. I'm probably missing big chunks of the movie because I know the prologue really well, the bridge scene, the flashback where Donna Reed and Jimmy Stewart are dancing and fall in the water, and the ending. I even sort of know the parts where George Bailey tries to talk to people in a world where he was never born, but that might just be from innumerable parodies. Someday I'll actually watch It's a Wonderful Life and complete the process of being a human, but for the moment I'm some sort of heartless monster.

 Runners up include Love Actually, Holiday Inn, Elf, The Polar Express, The Bishop's Wife, A Christmas Carol, and Christmas Evil. But I have seen Ernest Saves Christmas! And Trapped in Paradise! That has to count for something, doesn't it?

Cleaner Living Through Bowling (and not Pornography) and the Video Daily Double!

 Greetings, educationeers! Let's see a show of hands: how many of you like bowling? And how many of you like pornography. Ew... put those hands down. Clearly your internet habits trouble me, educationeers. Cap'n Howdy needs to take advantage of his bully pulpit Video Daily Double to fix this *ahem* problem.

 Hands where I can see them for the next hour!

---

 Our first film, Perversion for Profit, ought to clear your mind of any thoughts about porn being "cool" or "sexy." Feel gross afterward, as you should! Shame!


 Our second film, Let's Go Bowling, is a great alternative to spanking the proverbial monkey. Don't you like The Big Lebowski? They go bowling. So should you*.




* But none of that White Russian drinking or pot smoking. That's why The Dude's life was ruined by - say it with me - Pornographers!

Retro Review: Christmas Surprises

 For today's Retro Review, I thought I'd take a holiday trip down memory lane. You see, every year we (that being the Cap'n, Professor Murder, and Cranpire) go and see a movie on December 25th. We've been doing it for so long I can't actually remember when the tradition started. Some years we don't see anything new, but we usually try to go out and give those poor bastards working on Christmas a reason to tear their tickets and pop that horrible popcorn. Here are a few instances where our often assumed "bad" taste served us well...

 Last year we didn't see anything on Christmas night - there was talk of Black Swan, but Cranpire was sick and the weather was indeed frightful. We did see Tron Legacy two days later, and True Grit the week after that, but it doesn't really work in this situation. Let's skip back to 2009...

 Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans - technically, we saw this the day AFTER Christmas, but since the widely loathed Sherlock Holmes was the 25th's essential viewing and it still seems like I know five people who like it and nobody else, let's focus on a movie that was the exact opposite. If you've seen the trailer for Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, you - like we did - had a sneaking suspicion that it was going to S-U-C-K. Trainwreck levels of suckery punctuated by Nicolas Cage Mega-Acting. Twas not the case, fortunately: there was an ace in the sleeve, and that's Werner Herzog. Never count out that crazy German filmmaker from being able to take a bad idea ("hey, let's not actually remake Bad Lieutenant or really make a sequel, but give it roughly the same kind of sleazebag main character") and turn it into an exquisitely bizarre but also really great movie. It has iguana POV shots, for crying out loud, and it still works.

  Role Models - There's going to be a trend here of "movies we thought might be okay / kinda bad but went and saw because Cranpire wouldn't come to the really terrible ones" which is exactly how Role Models happened. The film wasn't even still playing in regular theatres - we went to the $1.50 joint on Blue Ridge Road and watched another movie that was much better than advertised. The ace in this sleeve? David Wain - director of Wet Hot American Summer and one of the creative forces behind The State. As I wrote in 2008, it's a "hybrid of Judd Apatow and David Wain sensibilities" and works despite that odd pairing.

 Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story - I've been beating the drum for Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story for the last four years and I'm not going to stop now. I'm so glad we skipped AvP:R because Cranpire (shock) didn't want to come out for our annual Christmas night movie, because I probably wouldn't have given Walk Hard a shot otherwise. It just seemed too questionable as quality went. How wrong I was. Just watch it, like right now.

 Rocky Balboa - The last movie I can remember Cranpire coming with us to see (unless you count Tron Legacy, which doesn't count because it was a few days later). It washed away the awful memories of Rocky V, which always seems to be on television. Honestly, it's been five years and I don't remember a whole lot other than being pleasantly surprised. We tend to be rewarded for taking a shot on questionable movies during the holidays - that's the trend I'm sensing here...

 I don't know what we saw in 2005, because looking at the list there's not a film released in December that I saw until it was released on DVD the following spring. That would include The Matador, Munich, The New World, Santa's Slay, Match Point, and Brokeback Mountain. It's possible we saw King Kong, but since Cranpire hated the Lord of the Rings films, I somehow doubt he's go see another three hour
Peter Jackson joint. Going even further back, I can only find Dracula 2000, which wasn't a good "surprise." I wonder where Bad Santa fit into all of this...

15 Minute Movies: The Ref (Part Two)

 There's no part one, so don't go looking for it. That would be silly. Today we'll look at the second fifteen minutes of Ted Demme's The Ref which is, I kid you not, the only consistent Christmas tradition we've had at the extended Blogorium headquarters for the last... let's say 16 years*. We'll give it until the movie was out on video, though we did see it in theatres.

 It was that very same VHS copy I put in the other night, having completed Grosse Pointe Blank with a twinge of holiday spirit rattling around the brain. I will say that nobody programs trailers that just barely make sense better than Disney / Touchstone / Miramax, so it is worth noting that before The Ref began I saw trailers for The Nightmare Before Christmas and The Crow. Back to back. This is the VHS trailer for The Nightmare Before Christmas, because it entertained me. The end the most.

 Where were we? Oh, right: The Ref. The second fifteen minutes pick up right after Denis Leary kidnaps Judy Davis and Kevin Spacey as the couple from Hell and takes them back home. Because the first fifteen minutes is setup of Leary's thief and Spacey and Davis bickering in front of therapist Dr. Wong (played by B.D. Wong), this section of the film also introduces many of the secondary characters in the film: George, the soon-to-be-drunken Santa Claus, the "fucking waste of life" Murray who abandoned Leary and fled to the nearest bar, Jessie the kind of son Davis and Spacey's characters could spawn, the head of the military school that Jessie is blackmailing (J.K. Simmons), and the extended family coming to Christmas dinner (including Christine Baranski and Mary Poppins' Glynnis Johns).

 It also has the scene I suppose most people, even ones who haven't seen The Ref (and you really should - it's more mean-spirited than Bad Santa and funnier than Christmas Vacation at the same time), which is the "kitchen" scene. If you haven't seen the film (and I put the whole thing up two years ago for Christmas), here's a healthy chunk of what I watched:



 The whole thing is on YouTube so feel free to watch it - I somehow think you'll enjoy the whole thing.

 Back next week with... something else.



* It beats, by a long shot: driving around looking at tacky yard lights while blaring Jim Nabors, unsuccessfully trying to get Cranpire to go see a movie with us Christmas night, the night before Christmas eve arbitrarily getting some form of "the gang" back together and going somewhere (usually the "free section" of Reader's Corner, and sausage balls.

The Impossible Project Trailer Sunday (Part One)

 These are the movies I want to see before writing the "year end" recap:


Drive


A Dangerous Method


Hugo


Melancholia


The Tree of Life


Rise of the Planet of the Apes


The Muppets


Martha Marcy May Marlene

So You Won't Have To: The Thing (2011)

 It's almost too easy to beat up on The Thing - it's a movie with no purpose. From the big dumb cgi alien to the big dumb climax in the big dumb space ship to the between-credits sequence that's there to remind people that the END of this film is the BEGINNING of John Carpenter's The Thing, there's no reason for this movie to exist. If you thought to yourself "who gives a shit what happened to the Norwegian station?" when you realized this was a prequel and not another remake, director Matthijs van Heijningen Jr. and writer Eric Heisserer didn't do anything that's going to make it worth your while. Their answer, apparently, was "pretty much the same thing that happened in the first remake."

 Let's get that out of the way right up front, by the way: I'm tired of reading reviews that call this a "remake" of John Carpenter's The Thing and then conveniently neglect to mention that Carpenter was remaking The Thing from Another World. Have any doubts about that? Watch the title screens of both films. Technically all three films present themselves as adaptations of John W. Campbell's "Who Goes There?" but the 2011 iteration is explicitly set right before the 1982 version. The newer Thing is designed to be linked to the first remake, which adapts the premise if not the structure of The Thing from Another World. John Carpenter's The Thing is a superb remake, and one of the arguments everyone uses when defending "good" remakes, because it is, in its own right, a fantastic horror film. It's prequel, on the other hand, is awfully familiar. Oh, and awful.

 To be honest, if the film didn't keep shitting its pants trying to be grosser or creepier than The Thing everybody loves, it might be okay. Then again, the reason everybody calls it a "remake" is because the story is so close to what happens in John Carpenter's film. After a promising opening where the Norwegian crew discovers the frozen spaceship and "thing," we meet Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), a bio-paleontologist invited to attend a "discovery" on short notice by Dr. Sandor Halvorson (Ulrich Thomsen) and his research assistant Adam (Eric Christan Olsen). We already know what the "discovery" is, because if we've seen The Thing from Another World and / or The Thing, we've seen the outline of the ship and the frozen specimen. This time we get to see the ship, which at first seems novel but then becomes ridiculous at the end of the film.

 Well, you can guess that they bring the specimen back to the base camp, it thaws out, starts killing / absorbing people, and before we know it no one can trust each other. First they pull a "bait and switch" about who the Thing has "copied" in a helicopter attack scene that defies narrative logic. Okay, I'm willing to accept that the Thing is (SPOILER) just trying to get back to its ship and not headed for society like Kate worries it will. That's fine. But why, when in the helicopter, does the Thing freak out and attack the guy we thought was "infected" and cause the copter to crash, presumably killing it and the two American pilots (Joel Edgerton and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje). But wait! They aren't dead, so Kate doesn't trust them. Could one of them be the Thing that survived and (for no good reason) returned to the camp?

 The paranoia that works so well in Carpenter's film is nonexistent. Why? None of the characters are remotely memorable. It's hard to care about who is or isn't the Thing when your protagonists are two pilots who should be dead, three scientists who behave suspiciously, a bland research assistant and a gaggle of interchangeable Norwegian victims-to-be. I give Mary Elizabeth Winstead credit for trying to keep everything together, and I will also concede that the film wisely doesn't try to make her into a Jack MacReady surrogate. That said, she's constantly pushed into the background of scenes by characters I could care less about and I didn't buy the "sad" ending before the film remembered it needed to bridge to a much better film.

 Because they couldn't use the "blood" test again, there's a half novel but half baked attempt to develop the absorbing powers of the creature. It can't mimic non-organic material, so Kate decides the best way to see who is and isn't human is to - it's so much stupider typing it - check everyone's mouths for fillings. Seriously. They set up the Thing's evolution but couldn't figure out how to parlay that into an interesting way of generating suspense. Why? Because FOUR people don't have fillings and only one of them is the Thing, but we don't find out which one until a silly fight scene between the pilots and the scientists.

 A word on the effects - I was under the impression that 2011's The Thing was to have more "practical" special effects and less CGI. What I didn't realize was that was limited to corpses. The work by Alec Gillis and Tom Woodruff Jr. is appropriately disgusting, but it isn't freakish or disturbing like Rob Bottin's effects. They also don't move - the practical effects are for corpses, of fused Thing/human hybrids or half absorbed corpses or charred remains. Anything that moves is bad looking CGI that seems like it was borrowed from Dead Space. Things look even stupider in the ship, where the Thing looks like a rejected monster from Men in Black II.

Who was this movie made for? I can't imagine people who have seen The Thing from Another World or The Thing sitting through the entire film. Only people with a passing knowledge of Carpenter's film would even stay engaged, but most of the connections at the end would be lost on them. I actually give a pass to selling it as "from the producers of Dawn of the Dead" because in theory, it could have been different enough of a take on the premise that using Zack Snyder's remake as a basis for comparison. Had the film lived up to that concept, maybe I could understand why it exists.

 For a brief moment in the first thirty minutes, I thought there might be something watchable in The Thing. It turned out that there was, and it was John Carpenter's The Thing. Why I watched the watered down, CGI "enhanced" version is anyone's guess. Well, the truth is that I said "what the hell" and rolled the dice. Never has the term "craps" been more appropriate. Let's just say I watched it So You Won't Have To and leave it at that.

You can't choose your family, but the Video Daily Double will help you stop asking!

  Good day to you all, Educationeers! It occurred to me that during all of this social programming, good old Cap'n Howdy hasn't taken the time to focus on the important issues, like family or the questions that make up life. Fortunately, the Video Daily Double has exactly the solution. Prepare to fully understand how we ought to deal with our nuclear family and those puzzlers that make up every day experience.

 Stop asking and start learning!

---

 Our first film, Friendship Begins at Home, is about being friends with your family. Think of them as the friends you can't get rid of. Ever.


 Our second film, Answering the Child's Why, is really about how adults address the stupid questions of childhood. It turns out the answer isn't "shut up" or "because I said so," but is yet another opportunity to indoctrinate the next generation. Who knew?


 P.S. I double dog dare you to answer the "why did he die?" the way they do in this film.

Retro Review: Last Action Hero

 Do you remember the first time you watched a movie and KNEW it sucked? Not retroactively, like you saw a movie as a kid and liked it and then later realized how indiscriminate the tastes of juvenalia are. No, like the moment in your adolescence when you first understood that movies can be boring pieces of crap drizzled all over your impressionable mind (I was going to go for a food metaphor but the end result was so disgusting that the image of crap dripping on an exposed human brain seemed preferable.) I remember that movie clearly: Last Action Hero.

 I can't with any good reason explain to you how I'd seen as many Arnold Schwarzenegger films as I had by the age of 14, but in addition to both Terminators, I'd seen Predator, Commando, The Running Man, Twins, Kindergarten Cop, Total Recall, and Conan the Barbarian. Had I seen Conan the Destroyer, it's possible this whole story would have been rendered moot, but I hadn't at the time. But I HAD heard of Last Action Hero. You might have too: in 1993, it was being advertised relentlessly. From the director of Die Hard (and Predator) and the writer of Lethal Weapon (or re-writer, actually. the guy who would eventually write X2 wrote the first draft) and starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 This was the same summer as Jurassic Park, so if you don't remember Last Action Hero, that's okay. No one else remembers it either. Nobody seemed to remember it then - my strongest memory of seeing Last Action Hero was going to see it opening day and being able to count (on one hand) the number of people in the audience including my brother. That's never a good sign for a movie so heavily advertised. At the time I was still blissfully unaware of the concept of movies that studios blew a lot of money on that turned out to be total flops, so as Last Action Hero unfolded, it was a stark introduction to reality. Good writers and good directors and famous actors could make shitty movies. Unfunny, stupid, strained, boring movies.

 Now they put on a good show of trying to trick you into thinking that Last Action Hero isn't garbage; there's plenty of self-referential Hollywood comedy in the "movie" world of Jack Slater (Schwarzenegger). Celebrities appear as variants of their popular characters for stupid cameos that would make the Zucker brothers shake their heads (I wish I could tell you why Sharon Stone is in the movie but I can't remember. Oh wait, yes I do. It's the same reason Robert Patrick is in the same scene.) This is like a high rent version of _____ Movie, but when they can actually afford to hire the personalities and not someone who looks nothing like them.

 Anyway, once you get past a somewhat clever plot device like F. Murray Abraham being the bad guy because he "killed Amadeus," there's nothing worth watching the film for. I remember we walked out understanding that terrible movies happen to good people, that we should be more judicious in what we saw, and not to trust advertising. Well, two out of three wasn't bad.

 I've never seen Last Action Hero again in the ensuing 18 years. I can't see how that would need to change. Make your case, if you want...

Fifteen Minute Movies - Grosse Point Blank

 Well, eventually - I'm more than fifteen minutes into Grosse Pointe Blank, but I had to share the beginning of the tape with the rest of you. One of my forgotten joys about VHS was the random collection of trailers you'd find in front of the movie, and Miramax put together a doozy to proceed this one.

 In the order they played, this is what Bob and Harvey Weinstein think you might like if you rent / bought Grosse Pointe Blank:

 Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion
 Playing God
 Gone Fishin'
 The Sixth Man
 The Prophecy 2
 Chasing Amy

  No joke. The trailers don't make much sense, that placement really doesn't make sense, and to be honest with you, aside from the first movie I don't know that any of them are remotely similar to "John Cusack as hitman who takes a job the same weekend as his high school reunion." I greatly enjoy Grosse Pointe Blank, and have fun every time I watch the movie, but I never once considered any of the other films advertised in front of it as a good "double feature" option.

 For those of you who don't remember some of those titles, let's do a quick recap: Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion is the one with Lisa Kudrow and Mira Sorvino as airhead valley girls who try to make a splash at their reunion. Playing God was David Duchovny's first major motion picture after The X-Files broke big (and before anybody knew what Kalifornia was), and also features Angelina Jolie. I've seen it and even I don't really recall specifics about the plot. Gone Fishin' is that movie with Joe Pesci and Danny Glover that everybody saw the ads for and didn't see. The Sixth Man? Kadeem Hardison and Marlon Wayans in a movie about the ghost of a basketball player who helps his team. The Prophecy 2 was the sequel to The Prophecy and is notable for having Jennifer Beals, Christopher Walken, and Glen Danzig.

 And then there's Chasing Amy. I think most of you know Kevin Smith's first "departure" from purely juvenile comedy and how people like to pretend that it's actually good, but I'm going to put all that aside. After all, it's not Armageddon's fault that it's the second least deserving Criterion title. The point of mentioning Chasing Amy (a movie that I have never once thought of when watching Grosse Pointe Blank) is the trailer, which is such a sanitized and toothless take on the film that they don't even show that the main character is a lesbian.



  Oh, and there's a spot for the Grosse Pointe Blank soundtrack. So how far did I make it into the movie after all that set up? Well, about as far a Martin Blank (Cusack) watching the Grocer (Dan Aykroyd) gun down a target and ruin his hit. The rest, as they say, was for another day...

The Most Hated Sequels of All Time Trailer Sunday!

Blues Brothers 2000


An American Werewolf in Paris


Batman & Robin


Rocky V


The Godfather Part III


Superman IV: The Quest for Peace


Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Blogorium Review: Midnight in Paris

  There is a fine line that comes with writing about Woody Allen's Midnight in Paris, one that exists because the joy of his film is central to not knowing the premise. At the same time, it's not enough for me to tell you that Midnight in Paris is absolutely worth your time; Woody Allen films are an acquired taste, and in the last few years it's been hard to know what you're going to get. With varying degrees of success, he's worked in thriller (Match Point, Cassandra's Dream), slapstick (Scoop), atypical Allen fare (Vicky Cristina Barcelona), perhaps too typical Allen fare (Anything Else, You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger), and experiments like Everybody Says I Love You, Melinda and Melinda or Whatever Works, where he substituted the "Woody Allen" surrogate for Larry David, a singular personality in his own right. I liked some of them when others didn't, and didn't like several of them at all.

 Midnight in Paris is a return to a whimsical Woody Allen, and at the risk of spoiling things to much, an inversion of The Purple Rose of Cairo. Gil (Owen Wilson) is a Hollywood screenwriter striving to be something more, and is having trouble with his first novel. His fiance Inez (Rachel McAdams) brings Gil along to Paris where her parents (Mimi Kennedy and Kurt Fuller) are visiting on business, and it is apparent that he doesn't quite seem in sync with their world view.

 Gil idealizes Paris of the 1920s, much to the consternation of Inez, who is more interested in their future home in Malibu. Gil's frustration is exacerbated by the appearance of Paul (Michael Sheen) and Carol (Nina Arianda), a pair of intellectual blowhards who Inez fawns over (and is, perhaps, a bit too drawn towards). One night, Gil decides to walk home while Paul, Inez, and Carol go dancing, and finds himself lost in Paris. As the clock strikes midnight, a strange car pulls up and its passengers beckon the would-be novelist to join them.

 And this is where I hesitate to go further. It's not as though you couldn't find out for yourself what the "gimmick" or "twist" is, so to speak, but even knowing where Gil goes and who he meets doesn't properly convey how delightful Midnight in Paris is. I thought I understood where the film was going from speaking to friends, but Allen constructs the narrative in such a way that as it unfolds you become more invested in the parallel stories - Gil's adventures after midnight and the increasingly evident cracks in his relationship with Inez, many of which are so fundamental that one wonders how they ever got so far.

 By necessity, I'm going to warn you off from anything after this point by slapping a big SPOILER warning. I want to talk about Gil's midnight adventures, and in particular a second layer late in the film that pushed the conceit further along, so be advised. From here on out I'm going to mention specifics about who Gil meets, how I thought it was going to impact the story, and why Midnight in Paris is smart enough to push forward beyond a simple "appreciate what you have" story.

 SPOILERS FROM HERE ON OUT SO DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU

 So I don't want to talk too much about how Gil interacts with the Fitzgeralds (Tom Hiddleston and Alison Pill) or Ernest Hemingway (Corey Stoll) or Gertrude Stein (Kathy Bates), or the procession of cameos for Cole Porter (Yves Heck), Picasso (Marcial Di Fonzo Bo), Buñuel (Adrian de Van), Dali (Adrien Brody), or Joséphine Baker (Sonia Rolland), which are admittedly fun but secondary to the main part of  the "Gil in the 1920s" parts of the film. The initial encounters, particularly the look on Owen Wilson's face when he meets Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald, are understated comedy, but the real meat of that portion of the film is his budding relationship with Adrianna (Marion Cotillard), a woman drawn to Picasso, Hemingway, and eventually Gil.

 My initial understanding of Midnight in Paris was that only the first twenty or so minutes took place in the present, so I was pleasantly surprised to see Allen move Gil back and forth through time. At first it's unclear whether this is really happening or just in Gil's mind, but as the film pushes forward one begins to understand that this is not imaginary - first Gil finds a diary in a Parisian market that belonged to Adrianna (as we discover in a moment where he finds a woman who can translate while Gil sits on a park bench). Later, after Inez's father becomes suspicious of Gil's late night activity, Allen explicitly shows us what happens to a private detective hired to follow the American in a comic aside that says "this is real."

 All of the "1920s" moments are fun and provide some of the better laughs in Midnight in Paris, not limited to Gil's explanation to Zelda Fitzgerald of what Valium is, or Dali's obsession with the rhinoceros, or the way that The Discrete Charm of the Bourgeoisie figures into a conversation between the time traveler and a young Buñuel. The Surrealists' reaction to Gil's predicament (and how he responds) was another highlight, and I must admit that the bluster of Hemingway made me chuckle.

 The transitions and how they affect Gil would, under normal circumstances, fit into a Wizard of Oz / Alice in Wonderland sort of narrative where the protagonist learns what they really wanted all along was right in front of them, so I appreciate that Allen puts that "lesson" in the mouth of Paul, the least likable character in the film. We like Gil, and we want Paul to be wrong, so even when Stein and Hemingway reinforce that position, it's hard to accept what should be a standard movie trope.

 It's not until Gil and Adriana go walking in Paris at night that Allen throws another wrinkle into the story - Adriana, like Gil, wants to belong to a different time (in this case, the 1890s), and as they sit in a 1920s cafe, a horse drawn carriage pulls up and they are whisked off to the Belle Époque and the Moulin Rouge. It wasn't that his deciding to leave was unexpected, but her decision to stay I found to be very interesting. It's a telling moment that distinguishes their view of the world, although to keep the narrative from being too pat one could argue that Gil doesn't stay in the 1920s because he also feels daunted by the literary competition.

 Ultimately I found myself quite charmed by Midnight in Paris, not simply because it was a return to form for Woody Allen but because the film was so damned enjoyable. It's clever without being cloy, familiar without being obvious, and light without being inconsequential. And it's funny in unexpected ways. In most hands Midnight in Paris could be a thuddingly obvious sort of film, a great premise with a leaden message, but Woody Allen brings whimsy to the movie and raises it up another level. It's easily one of the best films I've seen this year, and not one I was expecting to enjoy so much when it came out.

The Beginning of the (Year) End.

 Well gang, it's December, which means I'm one month away from embarking on my annual "Year End" lists. The problem, as I see it, is that I have a LOT of movies I want to see and only one month to watch them. Out of a list of potential titles (and of varying degrees of interest), I've narrowed it down to what I really see before January rolls around. They are (in no particular order):

 Drive

A Dangerous Method

Hugo

Melancholia

The Tree of Life

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

The Muppets

Martha Macy May Marlene

The Future

50/50

The Guard

Our Idiot Brother

Midnight in Paris

The Trip

Troll Hunter

The Devil's Double

Road to Nowhere

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

Rango

The Ides of March

Another Earth

The Descendants

Tabloid

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

and just for the hell of it: The Thing.

 If you were curious, this is what I've already seen this year:

 Attack the Block
 Super
 Hobo with a Shotgun
 Bridesmaids
 Paul
 Fast Five
 The People vs. George Lucas
 Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
 Drive Angry
 More Brains: A Return to the Living Dead
 The Mechanic
 Killer Elite
 In Time
 Cyrus
 American: The Bill Hicks Story
 Jackass 3 / 3.5
 Scream 4
 Thor
 The Hangover Part II
 Horrible Bosses
 The Change-Up
 Blubberella
 Ride, Rise, Roar
 Sucker Punch
 X-Men: First Class
 The Ward
 Quarantine 2: Terminal
 Conan O'Brien Can't Stop
 Exporting Raymond
 Fright Night
 Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
 Red State
 Blood Runs Cold
 Bong of the Dead
 The Dead
 The Puppet Monster Massacre
 Don't Be Afraid of the Dark

 So I have quite a few down, but many more to go. Stay tuned as the Cap'n tries to negotiate working 40 hours a week and watching everything on that first list. I can do it! Right?