Summer Fest 5 (Day Two): Kingdom of the Spiders and Bear Force One

 There must be some deeper message behind the post-Star Trek TV Show / pre-Star Trek Movies choices made by William Shatner, DeForest Kelley, and Leonard Nimoy. Of the three, only one of them was involved in a vaguely science-fiction project (a remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers), while the other two went out west to be attacked by nature's wrath (giant, killer bunnies and tarantulas, erm, "spiders"). While it's true that making quasi-horror movies in the American Southwest is about as far as you can get from "space," there's a pretty good reason that Invasion of the Body Snatchers ('78) is the best remembered.

 Far be it from the Cap'n to say that there's nothing to enjoy about Night of the Lepus or Kingdom of the Spiders - both a perennial favorites at Fests, so much so that I brought Spiders back after a three year absence. In some ways it's a movie only William Shatner could have starred in - his cocksure attitude (and ball-hugging jeans - the streak continues!) lend a sense of gravitas to the otherwise ridiculous premise that spiders have decided we use too much pesticide and we must be destroyed. Also because their food supply has been wiped out by said pesticide, they'll kill anything else near them (cows, dogs) but not eat them. It's more a rage killing than a food thing. They're making a statement.

 I can understand why Kingdom of the Spiders was a longtime staple of Saturday afternoon matinees on television, because it's basically as "safe" a movie about killer spiders as you can get (only Eight Legged Freaks is more tame). Aside from what appears to be a genuinely terrified actor having tarantulas dumped on him while he pretends to fly a plane and the scene where Woody Strode (Spartacus)'s wife completely misunderstands how to use a gun to fight spiders, there's no really graphic or disturbing content. Well, aside from the subplot about Rack's (yes, Shatner's character's name is Rack Hansen) sister-in-law trying to jump his bones when he comes to visit his niece. Okay, so Rack's brother is dead, but brother swapping is arguably not appropriate.

 But I think I covered most of this in the Horror Fest recap of Kingdom of the Spiders. This time I wanted to mention how hilarious the concept of "Spider Mounds" were to the Summer Fest crowd. Bad Science has been a running theme throughout the weekend, and I don't suspect we're done with it yet, but there's something about 70s "Nature Gone Amok" films that brings out the worst of it. And I don't just mean the most renowned veteranarian in Arizona happily drinking beer on the front porch of the Sherrif's house when entomologist Diane Ashley (Tiffany Bolling) arrives and he proceeds to gloat that she thought he was a gas station attendant when they first met.

 Then again, we're talking about William Shatner here, as a veterinarian, which is to say he's just playing William Shatner. And the sight of William Shatner covered in tarantulas in the basement of a motel (the first scene I ever saw from Kingdom of the Spiders) is worth the price of admission. The vaguely apocalyptic ending is pretty good, too, but I'm positive I mentioned that last time as well.

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 Bear Force One... You know, I could tell you about it, or I could just let you watch it for yourselves. It's not very long - just long enough not to wear out its welcome, so settle in and get ready for some "what the living crapballs is happening?"



 See what I mean? It goes just to the brink of being "too much" but never gets boring. I enjoy a good "home made" B-movie (like last year's Rise of the Animals) more than most do, I guess. There's something to be said for a "can-do" attitude and a good sense of humor.

Soliciting Ideas for Spooky Doom!

 Let's take a moment to discuss Horror Fest, shall we? The Cap'n has a backlog of movies for Horror Fest, and voting is still underway for Slasher Sunday*, but I'm always looking for something hiding in the margins waiting to splatter all over our Horror Fest faces...

 Wow, that sounded dirtier than I intended. Oh well, I put it there, I'm not removing it.

 So, where were we? Right, obscure horror films. This is the time of the month when I hand over the floor to you, the reader, to offer up your choicest choices. They may well end up in the Fest on Friday or Saturday and delight, horrify, and amuse us all.

 Here are some of the lesser known titles I'm leaning towards, in no particular order:

 The Dead - I've been hearing good things about this zombie film from Africa for the better part of the year, but very few people I know have ever heard of it. Let's change that at the end of the month.

 The Puppet Monster Massacre - Yes, an all-puppet horror movie. It's short, it's violent, and I think people are really going to get a kick out of it.

 All the Boys Love Mandy Lane - You've probably seen my review of the film from earlier this year, but I must stress that the review makes it look more lukewarm than it actually is. I don't know if or when this film will officially make it to the U.S., but in the meantime I'll happily include one of the better slashers from the last five years at Horror Fest.


 Stake Land - A marriage of two of my favorite kinds of movies: post-apocalyptic and vampires. I think it will fare well with discerning Fest-ers.

 Doghouse - Okay, this is the second zombie movie on the list, but I can't leave out a film that stars Stephen Graham (Boardwalk Empire), Danny Dyer (Severance), and Noel Clarker (Mickey from Doctor Who) as lads on the outs with their respective girlfriends / wives, who gravitate to a small town filled with ravenous zombie lasses.



 I think everybody has at least heard of Attack the Block by now. I think you'll like it.

So that's some of what I've got (the newer stuff anyway). What about you? Something surprising? Shocking? Something super gory for after dark? Leave a comment, make your case, and I'll see if I can find it before the 28th.

 Sound good?


* I know I said I wouldn't weigh in on the movies, but seriously? Visiting Hours? I know that Bootstrap Bill Shatner is in the movie, but it is one of the films I've actually seen and was bored to tears for most of its running time. If you want to watch it, I suppose we could watch it, but may I suggest Savage Weekend? Check out this review and see what you think.

Horror Fest V Day Two: Kingdom of the Spiders

This year's substitute for Night of the Lepus was Kingdom of the Spiders, a 1977 eco-disaster joint (in this case, anti-DDT) that involves the sudden evolution of tarantulas into an "army" with dramatically increased levels of venom. Oh, and then there's William Shatner as veterinarian Rack Hansen, with all the hairpiece wearing, womanizing, disturbingly close to his niece (who wears VERY short skirts for a six year old) shenanigans you'd expect.

Kingdom of the Spiders begins with Spartacus's Woody Strode and Can't Stop the Music's Altovise Davis as ranchers in Arizona who lose a cow under mysterious circumstances. The mysterious circumstances may be tied to that "spider hill" in the backyard, but since Rack Hansen and visiting scientist Diane Ashley (Tiffany Boling) can't figure out that a "spider hill" probably shouldn't exist, they leave the Colby's alone with the tarantulas.

Actually, I'm going to dispense with the plot recap, because that's not what's going to sell you on watching Kingdom of the Spiders, which is alternately hilarious and periodically creepy. If you have issues with arachnophobia, this is not your movie, but for all others, I present the following highlights in list form:

- William Shatner covered in tarantulas on multiple occasions.

- Altovise Davis choosing the most logical way of getting a spider off of her hand: shooting her hand!

- Sheriff Gene Smith not realizing he ought to button his shirt up.

- Shatner's failed womanizing during the first half of the film, both with Diane and the widow of his dead brother. You heard me.

- Spiders in a plane. Spiders in a truck. Spiders on a fuse box. Spiders dropping from a vent.

- Burn that spider hill!

- Rack Hansen's belt buckle that should have an "R" on it, but appears to have a "B" on it (possibly for "belt"?)

- A closing shot / matte painting that fails to convey the apocalyptic ending the creative team intended.

- Oh, and three words: Spider POV Shots.

For most people, all I really have to say is William Shatner vs. Tarantulas. Chances are, if you weren't onboard at that point, nothing's going to draw you to this immensely entertaining, often mean-spirited, and at times uncomfortably pervy slice of 70s cheese.