(Far from) The Last Time I'll Mention The Happening This Year

So, did you figure out which review of The Happening was the real deal? Oh sure, one apologizes for the other, but do you really put trickery past the Cap'n at this point in time? Maybe I want you to think that I hate the movie so that you'll avoid seeing something that would fascinate and tickle your movie-going senses.

Or it could be one of the worst movies since Plan 9 from Outer Space, a film so awkward and ill-conceived that one stares, jaw agape, for ninety minutes as careers slowly come to an end. That could be it.

I will say that since I saw The Happening for the second time (I've seen it at least four times, if you're wondering), I have talked to at least one person who said it was better than Lady in the Water and The Village and spoken to at least other person that honestly liked it. For their sakes, I'm not going to name names, but that is true.

A handful of regular Blogorium readers have sworn that if they ever see the title screen for The Happening reflected into their eyebrains, they will loudly and assertively exit the Apartment That Dripped Blood, never to return. This reflects more on their sourpuss attitudes than the quality (or lack thereof) of M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening.

By now, I should hope that readers know my taste in films enough to be able to suss out where I sit on Night's epic tale of nature gone amok, which admittedly has some of the worst line delivery I've ever been privy to. Actually, some of the worst acting, period. I don't feel that I'm being untoward when comparing it to Plan 9 from Outer Space, which had similar aspirations of being taken seriously and failed miserably, landing laughably off course.

Plan 9 from Outer Space was, after all, the first thing I programmed after The Happening at the Summer Fest it premiered at, and attendees immediately noticed the similarities. The following October, I snuck The Happening in as a surprise between The Paul Lynde Halloween Special and the remake of The Wicker Man, if that gives you some idea where it falls in a Horror Fest.

And yet, despite how awful I'm making it out to sound, one cannot help but watch the disaster unfold before your very eyes. Try as they might to leave while watching, everybody stayed BOTH times for The Happening. It's a testament to how compelling garbage can be when all of the pieces fall into place. Admittedly, the picture they form is a ghastly parody of its intended shape, but one akin to a clown car crashing head-on into a truck of creme pies; hilarious, tragic, but somehow appropriate in its stupidity.

So yes, Virginia, both reviews have a kernel of truth to them. I did not simply play a nasty prank on my friends the day after watching The Happening. I told them a half-truth, one that needed proper context to be clear, which they received the next day. In all honesty, The Happening is a terrible, embarrassing movie to sit through and talk about, but I wouldn't trade it for a dozen less crappy movies. Secretly, I think many of my friends feel the same way, even if they pretend to prefer Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, which commits the cardinal sin of being bad AND boring.

This time it's just Plan 9, but you get the idea...

I watched the trailer for the remake of Plan 9 from Outer Space, if only because I wrote about what a ridiculous idea it seemed like in the waning days of the blogorium at Myspace.

After watching the trailer, I'm pretty sure my snap judgment was spot on. But don't take my word for it, watch it yourself:

Plan 9 Teaser Trailer from Darkstone Entertainment on Vimeo.

at the time, the Cap'n said:

So maybe this is exactly what Plan 9 from Outer Space needs to be in order not to be the punching bag it has been for the last 50 years. There's only one problem, really: no one was ever asking for a "serious" take on Plan 9 from Outer Space.

There are (literally) hundreds of awful to unwatchable movies released every year, so it takes a special kind of bad to make history. Ed Wood has the distinction of at least three movies so bad they transcend the crap you can find in cut out bins everywhere.Along with Plan 9, I'd put Bride of the Monster and Glen... Or Glenda? in that category. Why? Because Wood brought a special kind of ineptitude to his films.

There's a sense of trying for epic scope and "spectacle" in the story and failing on every possible level. Plan 9 from Outer Space is the culmination of this, where Wood finally captures lightning in a bottle for all the wrong reasons.It isn't just the pie-tin UFO's with visible strings, or the amateur acting and cardboard sets. It's also the stock footage of Bela Lugosi and his "looks nothing like him" double, the boneheaded narration; everything you saw in Tim Burton's Ed Wood about Plan 9 is true, and yet, it's compellingly bad.

Strip all of that away, and try to make a serious story about aliens coming to Earth and raising the dead in order to conquer humanity, and you have every zombie movie ever, but with UFO's. It's kind of like saying "Ghoulies would be better if we just got rid of the stupid jokes and made it a straight horror movie"; the premise just doesn't float.

Now I don't know about you folks, but when I watched that trailer, there was nothing that said "This is Plan 9 from Outer Space", aside from the lifted audio from the original film. The only thing I saw was another low budgeted zombie movie and some kind of space rock thing near the very end.

Apparently the latest attempt to sell this movie is to say that Plan 9 from Outer Space was one of the first "zombie" movies, although you could really debate that. Yes, technically the aliens are raising the dead to attack the police, but I don't recall Vampira, Tor Johnson, or Bela Lugosi's stand-in doing much more than rigidly walking around and grabbing people.

But okay, let's accept the premise that this Plan 9 from Outer Space is a zombie movie. A serious, not campy zombie movie with some aliens that is "character driven", as the film's website insists Plan 9 will be. I ask again, does anybody want to see that? I don't honestly know how many people actually watch the Ed Wood original (most probably just watch Ed Wood), but I can't think of any of you that would be interested in that. It's like Tommy Wiseau deciding that he should remake Beastmaster, but this time remove any of the accidentally campy elements and take everything seriously. I mean, the last time I checked, those were the reasons I watch Beastmaster.

Actually, Tommy Wiseau, if you're still reading this blog: please remake Beastmaster. Please.

Summer Fest Day One: Plan 9 from Outer Space (and The Happening. Again)

We're in the midst of Summer Fest, about to start Blood Car and then Teeth. As we've just wrapped up Plan 9 from Outer Space, and a number of people here saw The Happening, it seems only fair to ask someone who didn't to give you a recap on the events of yesterday and today. I give you TOM!!!!

I SEE ALL.
Rather, there is plenty that I have seen, plenty that I will see, a number of things I currently see, like a demon rhubarb phallus, Dick Tracy's divorce decree from Annette Benning, and the remnants of Tor Johnson (nee Johnassonn) encapsulated in a snoglobe of Washington, D.C. However, I will unregrettably never see The Crappening by M Night Shit-on-my-lawn. While I could piecemeal together the entirety of the film from what I have been told, and while I could tell you unequivocally that no amount of pressuring or convincing me that I should see it because it might be the worst thing ever made and I may never have that chance again, I will instead focus on the fact that Horrorfest Bienniale 2008 Independence Bastille Day is indeed happening. Plan 9 From Outer Space, the finest, most prophetic science fiction (no, fact! FACT!) film e'er made has been witnessed, mocked, scorned, mocked again, and enjoyed. I am always astounded by the combination of such a brutal lack of continuity, horrendous dialogue, the cheapest sets for a "financed" film ever, and at least one B-list actor and why an at least less-awful picture was not borne out of such diabolical movie-making misery. Whether it's day or night, figuring out exactly who the characters are, what they do, where they go, or what precisely the premise of the movie is can be a little taxing. We vent our stupid, idiotic human brains by poking fun at it, which is the only way it can be enjoyed or watched without incessantly asking "really? did that really happen? what the bloody duck fuck?"

Which, actually, is a lot like the Happening, which is why I can never see it, personally. I have room enough for only one Worst Movie Ever Made. ONce Plan 9 From Outer Space is wholly obliterated from the museum of human creation, I can safely see The Crappening. The two cannot feasibly or safely coexist in my existence, and to do so would be to unleash antimatter unto my soul, which would, of course, devastate the universe and create a black hole precisely where in the movie house (or Kinohaus) I sit.