Retro Review: Cap'n Howdy's Four Favorite Summer Fest Moments

 After getting the bad news out of the way, let's move on to happier times, shall we? After last year's Horror Fest: A People's History, wherein the Cap'n collected memories from folks who attended the first seven Horror / Summer Fests, I thought that to follow it up with my own favorite moments.

 Summer Fest was always designed to be more on the "fun" side: we'd watch horror comedies, focus less on being scared than being entertained, intentionally or otherwise. The atmosphere at Summer Fest is designed to be looser, less regimented. I like to put a list of movies out there, and adhere to it slightly - that way, you never know what you're going to see on a given night, which gives you incentive to come every day of the fest.

 It's traditionally where we'll try out some kind of new "gimmick": field trips, 3D, guest bloggers, or one of the five moments listed below (that happened after the oral history came into being). They slowly transformed from being all night affairs to include afternoon mini-marathons, as was the case at Summer Fest 3. Listed below, in no particular order, are four memories from Summer Fests 1-3 that stick with me. Many of them are film related, and even the one that isn't directly tied to a movie is an experience I'll never forget (or live down).

4. The First Field Trip - What often gets lost when discussing The Happening's role as our first "field trip" screening was the film that followed it when we got back to The Apartment of Solitude: Plan 9 from Outer Space. The experience of watching The Happening was a jovial one, save for one major issue - the air conditioning was so loud that half of the group couldn't hear the film. While that may sound like a godsend, considering how bad The Happening is, it doesn't help convey just how awful the film is without the wooden line delivery.

 Most of the negative reaction to The Happening comes (I think) from the second time I screened it, during Horror Fest III - it was an unannounced surprise, following the already bad Paul Lynde Halloween Special, and being exposed to something so terrible less than six months later was a bit cruel. That said, I think that during Summer Fest 2, following The Happening with Plan 9 from Outer Space gives you a much better idea of how the Cap'n views M. Night Shyamalan's "B-Movie." The idea was to convey a disasterpiece in its classic and modern forms, and had I not dropped The Happening in out of context four months later, it might not be as infamous as it is now.

 Or not.

 3. Late Nights / Early Mornings - What sticks with me about the first Summer Fest, beyond The Happening, was that it was the last time we consistently watched movies from dusk till dawn. I have vivid memories of being half-awake, watching Shark Attack 3: Megalodon and Friday the 13th Part 2 with Neil and the Cranpire at six in the morning. We'd nod off a little, wake up, nudge each other to catch some unforgettable moment (and there are many in Shark Attack 3), and then try to go on as long as we could before passing out as the sun came up.

 As I get older, it gets harder and harder to stay up all night, and we usually peter out somewhere between two and four a.m., and agree to regroup the following afternoon. During Summer Fest 3, we actually started Saturday at 2 in the afternoon, watching a quadruple feature of Phantasm III, Cheerleader Camp, The Gate, and Thankskilling, then took a dinner break (more on that next) and continued well into the night. Alas, the Cap'n and compatriots aren't as young as we used to be, and no amount of caffeine has been able to alter our curmudgeonly ways. Before too long, I'll be hosting Horror Fest Early Bird Specials, so we can all be in bed by 9. In that respect, it's nice to look back at those barely awake moments of shocks and laughs, aided by sleep deprivation.

 2. The Great McGangbang Experiment - Okay, so I don't think I gave her proper credit at the time, but the Rianimator (and at the time, Dominator) brought the concept of the McGangbang to my attention during Summer Fest 3. They insisted we read an article from Cracked.com about "food for failures," which was so funny that their insistence we try the McDonalds catastrophe seemed like a great idea. There were a handful of intrepid McTaste Testers, and after the matinee feature, we went to get the necessary materials to rock a McGangbang.

 I mentioned this in the original coverage (which has pictures), but the unholy combination of cheeseburger and McChicken sandwich wasn't all that bad. At first. The combination worked, in some illogical way, until your stomach caught wind of what was going on upstairs. Then rebellion began, and with the exception of our intrepid junior Summer Fest attendee, Chris, everyone who finished their McGangbang spent the next two hours in their own personal digestive hell. We had an extra one, thanks to a snafu about who was going to pick them up, but none of the people who arrived after the challenge wanted any part of it, mostly because they could see how miserable we were.

Luckily, iron stomach Chris took the last one home, secretly hoping that we could try the Taco Bell variation some time soon. It's the first food challenge we've ever had at a horror fest (if you don't count trying to drink Bud Light with Clamato or our Wild Irish Rose mixed beverages a challenge), and I don't know if there will ever be another one. If so, it would have a lot to live up to.

 1. Discovery, discovery, discovery - I'm not even sure where to start with this one. My main goal with the Blogorium is to expose people to films they've never heard of or have never considered before. Horror and Summer Fests are an opportunity to move beyond just writing about it and to actually watch those movies with and audience. Sometimes, it may be a film we've seen before that takes on a life of its own (like the Night of the Lepus screening at Summer Fest 1 that became a twenty person version of Mystery Science Theater 3000), but more often it's about films that I've heard of and save for a fest, often without watching them myself. Better still are movies that someone brings to a fest that knock everybody off of their feet.

 I mention Blood Car and Terrorvision a lot on the Blogorium, but would have never known they existed without Neil and Dr. Tom (respectively) bringing them to my attention. That they stand out at their respective fests (Summer Fests 1 and 2) is saying something, considering just how many great movies played those weekends, but it's so. I'd also like to highlight Teeth, The Giant Claw, Fido, Hillbillys in a Haunted House, Death Bed: The Bed That Eats, ThanksKilling, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, Drag Me to Hell, and Basket Case, which I hadn't seen to that point. The lost, forgotten, and obscure gems are what keep these festivals interesting to me, or we'd just watch our favorite horror movies over and over again (which we sometimes do).

 In that spirit, if there's a Summer Fest this year, I have many films that I'd never heard of prior to 2011 that should be fun to watch, including The Boogens, Abby, Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, Dr. Black and Mr. Hyde, Rubber, Bug, and From Hell It Came that should provide hours of enjoyment. I also have ideas for new "theme" nights, although they might be split up over the next few years, devoted to blaxploitation films, animals gone wild films, and marathons based on actors from Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, and Doctor Who (would you believe that I'm working on finding horror movies for as many of the twelve doctors as I can?).

Horror Fest V Recap (Now with Photos!)

Greetings, readers! Welcome to the photographic recap of last weekend's Horror Fest V: The Revenge of Cap'n Howdy. Revenge, as it turned out, was sweet, as the fifth festival (or the eighth, if you also count Summer Fests) was second only to The Greensboro Summerfest Massacre Part III for audience enthusiasm. Between Street Trash, Kingdom of the Spiders, Frankenhooker, The Evil Dead, and especially House, the quality of this year's lineup easily surpassed Part IV's.

I also have a number of ideas for Summerfest IV and a special December version of the fest (made by special request from a friend overseas) that doesn't have a name yet. I'm looking for suggestions, by the way. In the meantime, let's have a look back to one week ago...

Our poster for this year (mostly accurate).

Our movies for this year (again, mostly accurate).

Oh wait, did I forget Horror Fest V's "Surprise" movie?

Cranpire (host of Night One) alongside his House on Haunted Hill poster.

The creepy tree face outside of Cranpire's apartment.

What's a Horror Fest without proper decoration. Liz and Randy had already set up some excellent Halloween accouterments, like this:


and these cobwebs:


So I helped by adding Horror (and Summer) Fest traditions like festive lights and, of course, Shecky:

Ladies and gentlemen, the "vampire" from Curse of the Undead. (Cue Theremin)

Tom, Cranpire, and kitty "enjoy" Curse of the Undead.

The Rianimator unveils her Baphomet costume.

Doctor Tom and the Rianiphomet, just before House started.

Point of Terror, this year's "Trappening." It's horrific, but not horror.

Frankenhooker.

Speaking of which, remember when I said "he drills into his head to think clearly," and promised a picture? Here it is...


by the end of Night Two, only the Cap'n was left standing. Even our hosts, Liz and Randy, had conceded to Mr. Sandman:


Alas, the Cap'n was busy photographing Halloween costumes and related mania on Sunday night, so no photos from Night of the Living Dead, The Evil Dead, or The House of the Devil exist. I suggest you seek those films out and see for yourself. I insist you hunt down copies of Street Trash and House, and highly recommend you get some friends, a six-pack, and a copy of Kingdom of the Spiders for some snowed-in evening.

Tomorrow's Trailer Sunday concludes coverage for Horror Fest V. Until December*, stay scared!


* Seriously, I'm looking for good monikers. It could be very fun, and I might set up a voting system...

Summerfest 3 Wrap Up: Yearbook Edition!

This year, the Cap'n is afraid to say I took less pictures, but what I did do was make sure that the nights (except Thursday) had a group photo, which I'll share with you as a way of wrapping up the fest.

The Thursday Night Summerfest Groovie Ghoulies were: Phillippi, Englund, Chris, Riannon, Domenic, and Nathan (all pictured on other days, so not a total loss photographically)

Friday Night's Summerfest Groovie Ghoulies:

(seated: Cranpire, Tom, Riannon, Alicia. standing: Phillippi, Barrett, Domenic, Rebecca, Chris, Nathan)

Stairway photo designed to evoke the first Summerfest.

Saturday Night's Summerfest Groovie Ghoulies:

(row one: Tom, Chris, Liz, Englund. row two: Riannon, Andy, Randy. row three: Domenic, Alicia. back row: Ben, Andrea, Cranpire, Nathan.)

Sunday Night's Bonus Film Summerfest Groovie Ghoulies:

(from left to right: Ben, Andrea, Neil, Nathan.)

and now a handful of other random photos, alternate shots, and moments that bear sharing:

Nathan, the new Jonas Brothers King.

Domenic attempts to take a group photo, Facebook style. We ended up with this.

How to move your dead bones en Espanol.

The Cranpire and the Doctor engaging in the mortal enemy of the Cap'n: the smoke break.

Thank you, Netflix "Watch It Now." Thank you.

Good times outside.

Finally, two alternate takes of the stair picture:

I had the flash on by accident, losing the red light, but I like it in its own way.

Still shot from a video I took of the stairwell. If the video wasn't sideways, I'd post that too.

Thanks to all of the Summerfest Groovie Ghoulies that helped make this year's fest my favorite yet! The Cap'n might take a day off but will return this week with more insight and foolishness, so stay tuned.

Horror Fest: A People's History (Part Two)

Welcome back to Part Two of the oral history of Horror Fest. If you need a refresher on who's who, please refer to Part One. We begin the recounting with a favorite (and hotly contested) story from the first Summer Fest:


The C.H.U.D. Incident:

Barrett: I remember that chick that nearly jumped out of her seat when she saw a C.H.U.D. Then Cranford looked over and said “were you just scared by a C.H.U.D.?” The answer was clearly a “yes”

Kai: I was not scared by C.H.U.D!

Nathan: She was definitely scared by a C.H.U.D.

And Now Barrett Presents His Patented Rules for Surviving Horror Fest:

Rule Number One of Horror Fest -

Bring your own Booze

Okay now you may be asking yourself "Well Brains won't there be booze at the Horror Fest?" Well of course there will be booze at Horror Fest, Satan may not partake but he still knows how to get down! BUT you see here is the thing, the booze at Horror Fest can't be trusted, remember who’s supplying it, your drinking Satan's booze and it's not his good stuff it's primarily fucking Wild Irish Rose & Mountain Dew game fuel (sponsored by red bull). Unless you’re Adam or, well, Cranpire (in which case I'm really fucking sorry) you really don't want to drink it. So what I'm getting at is that Horror Fests are great, as long as you remember it's BYOB, a good time will be had by all... oh yeah, and as long as you follow Rule Number Two!

Rule Number Two:

Do Not Pay Any Attention To That Hideous Pile of Crap on the Couch (That's Cranpire)!

So just to give you a bit of a warning Horrorfest's have been known to be one of the rare occasions when you can see the Cranpire outside it natural surroundings. For those uninitiated with the beast, he is best described as a Golgothan, yes that's right, he's basically a 6 foot tall pile of crap. I mean for a six foot pile a crap he doesn't smell that bad, just of the plague and communes for some reason, but I digress, he will make noise at you he may even follow you around, but what ever you do don't touch him or your cloths will never be the same (Brains tip: go to goodwill for the perfect Cranpire safe attire wear once then burn). But as long as you follow these simple rules a good time will be had by all.

Strange Adventures on the Front Porch:

Patrick: Two words, Hammer and Bullet. Now yes I was intoxicated (I usually am at the fests and elsewhere) but it was just a bullet and a hammer.

Barrett: Does it shock anyone that Cranford was intoxicated? I’m surprised he even remembers this story!

Patrick: My memory is shit and most of you know it. I really do not know how many [Horror Fests] I have been to.

The Cap’n: I remember that people didn’t want to be anywhere near him while he was hitting a bullet with a hammer. It pretty much cleared off the porch.

Riannon: I cannot recall now if Cranford was intent on provoking that bullet to explode with a hammer before or after we dealt with The Happening, but I’m leaning towards before. You see, Cranford lives in the existential torture chamber into which The Happening shoved the rest of us, so his clumsy dance with death was routine. But the rest of us would not have been made so nervous, and would not have repeatedly asked him to distance himself from us if this was post-Happening. Should you have to see this film, be forewarned: the events depicted therein only rudely re-imagine the effects of watching M. Night Shamilividanron pictures. Remove yourself from sharp objects, high ledges, firearms, and Cranfords with hammers.

Patrick: The amount of fear and nervousness that I inspired in the hearts of the other festers was just laughable. Yeah, I am a goof and not very careful but really what was I going to do. People were hiding and getting worried but I was just fooling around. Nothing would of or could have happened but the fear in faces still makes my day...

Phillippi: I’m pretty sure that Mythbusters has proven Cranford right on that one.

Nathan: But if any freak accident was going to happen, you know it would happen when he was doing it.

Terrorvision:

Tom: Some time later, I flashed back to January 1988, watching on the old WKFT-40 station from Fayetteville - which has since become Univisión - on a Saturday evening with my family the film TerrorVision. We had recently as a family obtained our first VHS VCR - a sleek Emerson front-loader - and it became a weird hobby of my mother and me to randomly record things that showed up on television. We have stacks of VHS tapes of things taped from TV, but TerrorVision was the first movie we taped. The very fact that this was -ever- on broadcast TV - and, unedited, since I've hence found the original tape - is mind-boggling given how gratuitously dirty the movie is. On the same tape were two episodes of PeeWee's Playhouse, an episode of 21 Jumpstreet, and about half of Poltergeist. (We were still learning the subtleties of SP, LP, and EP speeds) This is what passed for fun in our house, especially if there wasn't anything good on TV that particular night. And, until we had built up a reasonable library of film texts, a lot of our off-time viewing pleasure derived from this tape and others like it. (I think I had watched the orphic Canadian Christmas special "George and the Christmas Star" a solid dozen times between Christmas '87 and New Year's '88) But TerrorVision remained that anomaly. Years later I recalled it, and remembered the name Mary Woronov, though uncertain how or where. I tried tracking this gem down, but it was never released as a DVD and the VHS had long been out of print. I happily forked over eight dollars plus shipping just to get another glimpse at what I remembered, ostensibly, as a family movie. After seeing it at Horror Fest for the first time in probably eighteen or so years, I can only conclude that my family was nothing more than fucked in the head. I am happy that my childhood recollection of a weird-assed film no one else in the room had ever seen paid off big: this may have been one of the few times that I have ever heard the Cap'n, among other aficionados, ask non-rhetorically: "What the hell did I just watch?"

Kai Once Again Disputes "The C.H.U.D. Incident":

Kai: Ladies and gentlemen, Horror Fest attendees one and all, I am writing to address a serious case of slander and libel that has caused me many a sleepless night. I stand accused of being the only person to ever be frightened by a C.H.U.D. Yes, I do mean Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers from the 1984 cult classic. I hope to clear my name and reputation by recounting the true events of that fateful movie showing.

One dark and stormy night in early July I stood in front of an ominous building that was bathed in red light straight from hell. I thought it was only the oppressive humidity that was causing my hair to curl but now I know that it was the impending horror and evil that I would encounter.

The movie selection was C.H.U.D. and all was well for most of the showing. My fellow horror fans and I laughed at the special effects and questionable script yet I still detected danger under the seemingly benign joviality. I attempted to quell my suspicions but my survival instinct told me to prepare for the worse.

And then came that scene, oh what a scene, I can hardly bring myself to narrate the horror! As the protagonist made his way down into the deep dark sewers teeming with unknown dangers I felt as if all of humanity was in mortal peril. When all of a sudden OHGODNO! The C.H.U.D. appeared with glowing eyes, dripping fangs, male pattern baldness, and an aura of pure evil. No circle of Dante's hell or Nicholas Sparks book contained such a horrific creature worthy of contempt.

But do not dare to think that I was frightened. My valor did not falter. The so-called "start and gasp" that has been taken as evidence for my faintness of heart was truly a rush of adrenaline as I prepared to defend those crammed into the tiny room. Only I recognized the menace that was in our midst. So no, I was not frightened by the creature, this C.H.U.D, but I was preparing myself for the inevitable battle to the death that must occur in order for humans to maintain dominance over the despicable monster. While it turns out that my assistance was not required to vanquish the evil C.H.U.D. foe, you dear Horror Fest fan, must recognize that you stared into the glowing eyes of pure evil that night and that John Heard and I saved humanity so that you may drive your Prius in safety.

Nathan: Nope. She was definitely scared by a C.H.U.D.

Controversy:

The Cap’n: Generally speaking, the hardest time someone has at a Horror or Summer Fest is their first. If you’ve never been to one before, it’s hard to know what the atmosphere is going to be like. Movies take precedence, generally with running commentary from the viewers, but these events are not like normal parties where people wander in and out during movies. The following anecdote is about such an incident.

Adam: One year, a relative newcomer (who we will call Mr. X) showed up for
the Friday night festivities. He seemed like a decent guy, maybe a
little too in to Madden NFL, but personable. He had such a good time
that he decided to bring a date (Ms. Y) the next night.

Andrea: Y'know. *them*

Adam: Saturday night is typically the crown jewel of the fest, featuring the most anticipated flix and thus the largest audience. I believe we were watching Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus (or MSVGO to the initiated), when Mr X. and Ms. Y came in. They sat on the floor and began chatting...well, she began chatting. She was drunk and getting drunker by the minute, which would have been fine if she could have even constrained her conversation to the movie. MSVGO is not a movie that demands constant attention and some light heckling is warranted. Her first real mistake came when she decided to confront Pat on his encyclopedic knowledge of pornography. Anyone who knows Pat, is well aware that he could write a column for the Adult Video News (I assume
there is a periodical).

Patrick: I do know my porn.

Adam: The confrontation centered on her insistence that a certain actor in the movie resembled some porn actor, who she incorrectly named. When pat corrected her, she fought a little too hard for her mistake and it fell to Barrett and his Blackberry Storm to confirm Pat's information. She, at this point, became very impressed
with Pat. This was not reciprocated.

Barrett: Oh, you mean [NAME DELETED]? I actually knew her independently of this situation, and when she’s drunk, things can get bad pretty quickly.

Adam: Her second mistake came in instigating too many intra-movie smoke breaks. Anyone who has been to horrorfest or summerfest is well aware that the smokebreak is the Cap’n's natural enemy.

The Cap’n: Were it not for smoke breaks, I assure you we could watch every movie in the lineup without problem. Instead, the breaks get longer and longer the more of them go out there, so I tend to put on Dr. Re-Animator’s “Move Your Dead Bones.”

Andrea: Yay! The "Move Your Dead Bones" video ad infinitum, and the dancing!

Phillippi: Oh god, not that stupid video.

Neil: I'd love to tell you all about the Beyond Re-animator techno remix in all it's... well, I don't know the word. Unfortunately, if I described it, you would not believe me. It is quite possibly the worst thing I have ever seen, in too many different ways to count. I may just have to claw out my eardrums and eyeballs, but that still won't dislodge it from the deep recesses of my brain.

Nathan: [the Cap’n] found it on the Beyond Re-Animator dvd. It’s some vaguely Spanish Mark McGrath looking guy singing a techno song about being re-animated.

Barrett: [the Cap’n] says he puts it on when people go out for smoke breaks. I say it causes the smoke breaks.

Phillippi: It’s more of a “chicken or the egg” thing, if you ask me. The video sucks, and he does play it between every single movie.

Adam: So the more she convinced people to go out on the roof and smoke, the more annoyed many of us got. Not to mention the fact that the more time people spent with her, the more they grew to dislike her, but at this point it remained largely tacit. Finally during one of the breaks, Pat sneaks back inside to talk to those of us not smoking or milling around outside and says "OK. Which one of us is going to tell her to shut up? Let's draw straws." Which we did. As I recall, Neil drew the short straw but
really didn't want to be the one to do it.

The Cap’n: I don’t remember this at all.

Adam: Eventually we settled on feeding her a little concoction we like to call Hobo Bug Juice (HBJ) which is a mixture of Wild Irish Rose and Mountain Dew Game Fuel. She didn't get very far into it before, as far as I could tell, she realized that she was in a hostile environment. She got very quiet and then wanted to leave. Mission Accomplished. Neither Mr. X or Ms. Y showed up at any further fests as far as I am aware.

Cars, Tools, and Ratcheting the Tension:

Phillippi: This happened a year or two ago, a friend, we'll call him Cranpire so as not to protect his identity at all, hauled himself to Greensboro in his car (which is the same steady sort of process of decay as the Parthenon) for horrorfest and of course it broke down on him. He was pretty sure it was the spark plugs, so he called some other friends who knew about cars to come help him replace them. They brought tools, and the only thing they requested of him was that he go down to the auto parts store and get the plugs and the proper size ratchet to change the plugs with. Cranpire did this, and in the early afternoon we all gathered around his car to quickly and easily (or so we thought) fix it. The tools came out, and not having a ratchet there (hence the request Cranpire buy one) They guys looking at the engine asked for the tools. Cranpire handed over the plugs, along with a two inch long shiny cylindrical slug, the socket. I looked over and asked... "Where's the ratchet?"

"That's it," he replied

"No that's a socket, that doesn't work very well without the ratchet wrench to apply torque to the plugs," I tried to explain.

"Well I asked for something to change my spark plugs with and that's what the guy at the parts store gave me," Cranpire replied as if this wasn't his fault. I shook my head.

"So you don't have the ratchet." I said.

"Well.... I THOUGHT I did." We all stood around alternating shaking our heads in disgust, laughing, or cursing under our breaths. The more mechanically inclined members of the group took what wrenches they did have, needle nose vise grips, a pipe wrench and a couple of small general purpose adjustable wrenches and set about trying to get down in and loosen even one of the spark plugs. I could tell it wasn't going to work.

After about ten or fifteen minutes of trying to fit wrenches clearly not made for the purpose of removing spark plugs down into spaces clearly not large enough for the same aforementioned wrenches, they start to look at other ways to get to the plugs. As I stood there watching my friends discuss the possibility of removing the entire fuel injection system from the top of the engine block to get a better shot at getting to the spark plugs, I look over at Cranpire, who is busy flipping an eight inch long metal object about the size and shape of a wooden cooking spoon over and over in his hand... My jaw dropped.

"What is that?" I demanded.

"What?" Cranpire responded obliviously.

"In your hand... what is that?"

"Oh its just the thing that came with the spark plug thingie." He explained wondering why everyone was suddenly staring at him.

"That," I said as calmly as I could at the moment, "IS. A. RATCHET!" I slapped my forehead with my palm.

"Really, well how was I supposed to know?" He asked indignantly.

"You could have guessed from the fact it came ATTACHED TO THE SOCKET!!!"

"Oh, yeah.... does this mean you guys can fix my spark plugs then?" And yes indeed we could, after at least ten minutes of berating him for wasting our time, and one or two attempts to explain to him how badly we could have fucked up his car removing the fuel injection system ( a lost cause), we did in fact get his spark plugs replaced.

AND WE HAVE NEVER LET HIM LIVE IT DOWN.

Parting Thoughts:

Patrick: You mean besides getting to hate on Barrett (which is a great joy)?

Adam: Well, there was Pat trying to piss on people from the roof, Pat considering trying to piss in the toilet through the bathroom window when he didn't want to leave the roof…

Patrick: Hey!

Adam: I shirked a wedding I was supposed to be heavily involved in for Summerfest, me working through my grief over a Halloween funeral by driving clear across the state round trip to make it back for Shark Attack 3: Megalodon and the Shecklestein brothers.

The Cap’n: Oh yeah! Shecky and Yankel Shecklestein!

Tom: There are ever more things that I will remember, but these seem to be the most prominent, and I am sad that the tradition is coming to a graceful and classy close, but look forward to what may in fact be other offshoot traditions. I could write some plenty about the idea of creating a community and fostering a central idea or axis about which people rotate and gravitate and return to, but I'm hoping this message is in the very least implicit for the lot of you reading this. Don't make me break out the sociological guns.

Andrea: My absolute favorite Horror Fest / Summerfest memory is the feeling of sheer delight that I get from being so freely silly with (and enjoying shared experiences of the absurd with) such wonderfully wonderful people. People I feel I can relax around, people who are hilarious (isn't laughing the best?), people I love. People who are very, very dear to me. Us all gettin' together to watch something ridiculous & crack wise about it is just SO MUCH FUN. It makes me giddy. I'm a kid at Christmas when I'm going to Horrorfest.

Tom: And as long as I can find some way to make a DEEZ NUTZ joke, hopefully at Adam or Neil's expense, the merrier I shall be.

Neil: I just heard a strange noise coming from downstairs, so I'm going to go investigate. I'll be right back…

Horror Fest: A People's History (Part One)

Editor's Note: After compiling the testimony of those who where there for the madness that is Horror and Summer Fest, the Cap'n has more than he expected. Ergo, I'll be breaking the oral history of Greensboro's Underground Horror Event(s) into two parts. Each part is broken into relevant sections covering the fests and surrounding events. Enjoy.

The “Who’s Who” of Horror Fest Memories:

The Cap’n: Fearless leader, host of Horror and Summer Fests, sadist.

Nathan: Horror aficionado, frequent attendee. Also sadist.

Andrea: Regular Horror Fest attendee, geek. Not particularly sadistic.

Adam: Nuclear Physicist / Engineer. Masochist.

Patrick: Video Store employee, has attended every Summerfest. Porn expert.

Riannon: Roller Derby intellectual turned horror nut. Sadistic and masochistic.

Tom: A Doctor. Has attended every Horror and Summer Fest.

Neil: Comes for the torture. Stays for the movies.

Barrett: Reluctant mechanic. Enemy of the Cranpire.

Phillippi: Parent and Politico. Not a fan of Matango.

Liz: Culinary expert and Used Book seller. Loves Golden Girls.

Kai: Graduate Student. Afraid of C.H.U.D.s.

Kevin: First time visitor last fall. No fan of Jive Turkeys.

Random Memories and Movies:

Nathan: My best memories of Horror Fest(s): Revisiting old favorites (Chopping Mall, C.H.U.D., Night of the Lepus) with people who weren't as familiar with them and the beautiful commentary that came as a result of it.

Andrea: Cranford's spot-on comment timing.

The Cap’n: I really wish I could have recorded the commentary for Night of the Lepus [at Summer Fest 1]. It may never get better than that. We may have used every rabbit joke there is.

Nathan: Adam's various attempts at drinking Wild Irish Rose and the faces he made because of them.

Adam: Just remembering the taste gives me the feeling that someone is walking
over my grave.

Andrea: Also, the endlessly entertaining picture of Adam post-Budweiser with Clamato.

Tom: There will always be Tripwire, which I eagerly anticipate downing yet again, just for auld lang syne.

Liz: Getting to see [Return to Horror High] was a life-changing moment. I think that film launched George Clooney into that bit part on Golden Girls.

The Cap’n: I’m forever grateful that Neil introduced us to the film Blood Car, a movie that took a year to get ahold of.

Tom: I remain convinced that Blood Car may be the unsung hero of low-budget horror-comedy. Perhaps, even, its Messiah, given that the subject matter - at once palatable as well as beyond-the-pale-inconceivable - propels the juggernaut forward. I would probably never have seen this flick were it not for SummerFest (and, reluctantly, Neil), nor would I have ever thought about the ludicrous - yet in our era of living beyond peak oil - moral and ethical ramifications of using living beings to power the world in which we live. As over-the-top as the story is, and as painful and occasionally gruesome as it is (puppy hunting, anyone?), it stands to reason that Blood Car fits our times and delivers a message (that presumably few will see) we need. When I saw this at SummerFest, my then girlfriend and I ruminated over the film and bonded even more over it. We would break out laughing when we encountered wheat grass or a bag of chips at the grocery store. Tofu became an awkward commodity. We balked at the idea of ever becoming that speciesist as a human race, but were kept in check when a gallon of gasoline was nearly one-half of an hour's work for me at the time.

Nathan: Blood Car! I need me a Blood Car.

Tom: As a kitten-loving vegetarian, I was alarmed at how loudly I was laughing at the slaughter of a disabled, triple-amputee vet for his luscious sanguinity.

The Cap’n: Oh, and there was The Giant Claw, which most people missed out on!

Neil: Trying to decide on a closing film for horror fest is serious business, so Nathan and I knew we were in for an experience when all of a sudden [the Cap’n] says, "alright sit down, we're watching Giant Claw." It's from the 50's, stars no one you've ever heard of, and it's called Giant Claw. Sounds incredi-awesome, right?

The Cap’n: Yes.

Neil: Ladies and gentlemen, by my count, I watched 13 movies, and all of them lived up to any preconceived expectations, but this one exceeded my wildest imaginations. For the first half hour, you never see the mysterious, out of focus threat plaguing the skies. (Whether out of suspense of lack of money is anyone's guess.) But nothing, and I mean nothing can prepare you for when it's finally revealed. Not even me spoiling it for you right now and telling you it's a giant antimatter space turkey.

Nathan: *combination of sighs and chuckling*

Neil: Yes, that's right, an giant antimatter space turkey, who boldly ignores the basic laws of particle physics and declares war on humanity, presumably out of boredom or the need to procreate light years away from whatever galaxy it flew from. (According to the trailer, it's also 17 million years old.) It also has googly-eyes.

Adam: I feel so bad for that bird.

The Cap’n: I feel bad that we watched The Ruins.

Neil: I don't remember much about The Ruins because I was distracted by Adam's running commentary, which should tell you all you need to know about how interesting a movie it is.

Adam: I really stopped caring after the HJ collector died.

Kevin: I remember when me and Zak came up there last year and you and me were the only ones left to watch Scream Blacula Scream. We talked of jive turkeys and funky soul antics all through out the movie.

Andrea: Omg, the Troll 2 popcorn scene!

The Cap’n: Best. Sex. Scene. Ever.

The Happening:

Riannon: I wish I could say that my favorite moment from Horrorfests gone by was not a cruel, sadistic/masochistic (depending on who you ask, of course), and unnecessary viewing. But I’m a fucker, so that wish is dishonest. We all deceive ourselves at the unconscious level, though. Which is perhaps why someone—several people, rather--thought it was a really great idea to put The Happening into production.

Nathan: Ah, the modern crapsterpiece The Happening and everyone else's vitriolic reaction to it.

Riannon: It was only a week or so earlier that The Cap’n had arranged a special trip to the theatre to view what he hailed as THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE. Even in an age hip to hyberbole, this was a claim not to be ignored. Like moths to a flame, like whores to a Harley, like us to this movie, we fell in line and went to see Mark Wahlberg undo all the good that was I Heart Huckabees. The laughs issued from our bellies and even deeper, and we were, by those final scenes in the old shed--where the downsy leads reveal the true love you felt not even once, for a second, ever-- on the edge of giggling insanity. (Perhaps it was happening?) I just found this excerpt of a review: Joe Morgenstern of The Wall Street Journal said that the film was a "woeful clunker of a paranoid thriller" and highlighted its "befuddling infelicities, insistent banalities, shambling pace and pervasive ineptitude". Joe, you’ve wasted too much time looking for college words. Piece of shit.

Tom: (July 2008) I will unregrettably never see The Crappening by M Night Shit-on-my-lawn. While I could piecemeal together the entirety of the film from what I have been told, and while I could tell you unequivocally that no amount of pressuring or convincing me that I should see it because it might be the worst thing ever made and I may never have that chance again.

The Cap’n: After everybody came to see The Happening for our Field Trip movie, I brought them back to watch Plan 9 from Outer Space. Lucky Tom only caught the second part…

Tom: I have room enough for only one Worst Movie Ever Made. Once Plan 9 From Outer Space is wholly obliterated from the museum of human creation, I can safely see The Crappening. The two cannot feasibly or safely coexist in my existence, and to do so would be to unleash antimatter unto my soul, which would, of course, devastate the universe and create a black hole precisely where in the movie house (or Kinohaus) I sit.

Nathan: Tom was lucky. He didn’t see it – the first time...

Riannon: But Shamlasdidgyanana’s B movie was a great occasion to be amongst friends, friends that love to torture themselves in public as well as the comfort of their own homes. Yet, I never expected to have an opportunity to revisit the pain in such terribly, wretchedly close proximity to the first exposure. That’s where the Cap’n can get you—if it seems too much, too soon, he’s probably considered it.

Barrett: He tricked us, you know. The Cap’n made us go see it on the big screen and then made us watch it AGAIN the following October.

The Cap’n: That is true. Ain’t I a stinker?

Nathan: After making us watch The Paul Lynde Halloween Special.

Riannon: So then there we were, huddled in the viewing room waiting for Horrorfest’s secret surprise great times fun picture…and we were firmly punched in the asshole with the opening credits to The Happening. Fuck. We suffered well, the only way we knew how: by making as many interruptions, mocking to the best of our ability, by adding a bittersweet commentary track to the biggest budget snuff film ever—if you consider that we were watching the deaths of several Hollywood careers, and the drawn-out sacrifice of the dignity of human storytelling. Our laughter was a thin veil for pain, real pain, the kind that interrupts our comfortable 21^st century being with echoes of the ancient suffering that sent many off to war with the glad hope of being impaled by broadswords.

Liz: Has anybody mentioned how drunk Adam and Tom got during The Happening? And how Freddy’s Dead turned into on long DEEZ NUTZ joke?

Tom: I honestly don't remember much of the second half of The Happening, and for good reason. Dr Davis and I decided that there was a necessity in easing the torturous pain from the onslaught of rife overacting, plebeian and laughable storyline, and every imaginable absence of cohesion possible in a film by consuming a fair to middling amount of... of... well, I'll be damned if I knew what we were drinking.

Adam: DEEEEEEEEZ NUTZ!!!!

Tom: Who is the most captivating character in "Freddy's Dead: the Final Nightmare"? DEEEEEEZ NUTZZZZZ!!!!!

Barrett: If he ever shows [The Happening] again, I’m leaving.

To be continued tomorrow...

Robots and Plants, Oh My!

Things have not progressed well in finding our mystery science-fiction film. I tried to search the "plot" section of IMDB, to no avail. I've pored through a dozen or so sci-fi related websites that claim to list "every movie with robots ever!", to find nothing. I even plugged the following sentence into Google:

"low budget space movie with robot that turns astronauts into space zombies"

Alas, the Cap'n found nothing. No trace of this movie anywhere. If I had not seen it with my own eyes and did not have documentation (photos by Major Tom, to give belated credit where it's due) one could reasonably convince me that no such film ever existed. But it does. I know it does, and it's alternately comforting and baffling that it's so hard to identify a movie in the age of information.

But seriously, how could you not want to find out the movie responsible for these images?



Please help. I'd love to share the video, but it's so hard to follow the movie without our inane commentary, but if it comes to that, I will put that up if it helps you identify the film.

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My brain and throat are unpleasant, so it's just about time for the best "From the Vault" you could ever hope for...

See, last year I promised not to mention M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening on the Blogorium for a year, and that year is up. For those of you who are intimately familiar with my coverage of The Happening, I hope you enjoyed the sabbatical.

For those of you who aren't aware of my unique relationship to Night's first "R" rated film, I happily re-present the first of two reviews for The Happening. Tomorrow I'll post the second review. One of them is the absolute truth, and the other is a total lie. I'll leave it up to you to figure it out.

Blogorium Review: The Happening

There's a common expression on the interweb for a person who posts a positive review of a movie almost everyone else is panning: PLANT!

Typically, this is to imply that the person who gives the thumbs up to something universally reviled is actually an employee of the studio releasing the movie; hence, their review is "planted" on sites like CHUD or Aint It Cool in order to swing the negative trend.

It's particularly fitting that I'm likely to be hit with "plant!" for what I'm about to write, considering that the menace of M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening may or may not also be leafy and green. Moreover, I do not work for or know anyone at 20th Century Fox, and while it's going to be an uphill battle convincing you, I really feel like The Happening is the victim of "piling on".

As you probably noticed in the last few days, I was in no way interested in seeing The Happening: as a person who was not a fan of Signs and didn't bother seeing Lady in the Water or The Village, I had pretty much given up on M. Night and was buying into the sea of negative press his new movie was getting. Could an R rating actually make the difference for a guy who had apparently lost all sense of storytelling?

Well, I don't know about the R rating, but The Happening is waaaaaaayyyyy better than you've been hearing. I might go so far as to say it was amazing, but then you'd think I was drinking the Kool Aid or something. The catch is that this movie is being advertised as this sort of Hitchcockian thriller, ala The Birds or something like that, and The Happening isn't that at all.

Going in to this The Happening, you should probably have movies like Invasion of the Body Snatchers on the brain, because that's what Night is doing here. The Happening is a hyper-stylized film, and it seems like most of the reviews are missing that. Yes, everyone stands around like a deer in the headlights and delivers lines like they weren't just in the scene preceding this one, but it's uniformly corny. It's not like one person is acting like people normally do in this movie; everyone is acting like they're out of a 1950s "Red Scare" science fiction film. You might also want to consider Soylent Green.

I can honestly say I sat riveted through the whole film, as did Daniel and Leckie. Even though there's no M. Night "twist", he finds ways to keep the menace creepy and (largely) unseen. The plant angle is pretty much where the film goes, but they keep other possibilities floating around so that you have options to follow. I also dug little moments and, no pun intended, signs like the one that reads "You Deserve This" on a real estate billboard.

The mass suicides are effective mostly because Night drops you right in on them. The world is pretty much exactly like the one we recognize, and right off the bat crazy shit starts happening. It would be like if Steven Spielberg cut the awkward opening off of War of the Worlds and just got to business wiping out people. The R rating may be less for the stuff you've seen in the trailer and more about the two brutal shotgun killings (of kids, no less) and the "lion" scene.

Well, I know you aren't going to believe me, because everyone else is hating on the film. That's fair: if they want to beat up on Shyamalan because that's the path of least resistance, so be it. I'll stand up proudly and recommend all of you see it and judge for yourselves. It's the only way you'll know for sure. Feel free to ask for more information. I promise you I did see it and I could not turn away.