Blogorium Review (kinda): Blackenstein

 So maybe this weekend wasn't the best time to watch Blackenstein - I wasn't exactly paying attention (at all) during the second half. Hell, I wasn't even indoors after 45 minutes, but time is not on my side with this new schedule, so you have to take your lemons and make some lemonade. Besides, it's not like I couldn't figure out exactly where it was going (a prediction affirmed by seeing the last two or three minutes).

 So Vietnam veteran Eddie Turner (John De Sue) returned from the war missing his limbs, the result of a run in with a landmine. Dr. Winifred Walker (Ivory Stone), his fiance, is seeking a way to help Eddie when she comes across Dr. Stein (John Hart), who is working on experimental DNA therapies to help graft limbs on to para and quadriplegics. Since he won the Nobel Prize for "solving DNA," surely nothing can go wrong, right?

 Things are actually going just fine until Malcomb (Roosevelt Jackson), Dr. Stein's assistant, develops a crush on Dr. Walker. Of course, she declines his advances, so he decides to switch the "DNA solution" that Eddie is being injected with, and Turner's condition begins to deteriorate, and before you know it, he looks exactly like Frankenstein's monster. But black. See what they did there? Blackenstein? But this time the title character isn't the doctor, but the monster. Why is he Blackenstein? Well, if you're going to make a blaxploitation film based on Frankenstein because Blacula was successful, things like logic in titles aren't going to bother you. Right William A. Levey, director of Blackenstein (and Skatetown, U.S.A., Wam Bam Thank You Spaceman, and The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington)? Don't think I'm letting you off the hook, writer Frank R. Saletri - you're just as responsible for this extremely slow exploitation film. That said, if you actually did direct a movie called Black the Ripper, I'll give it a shot...

 Well, Blackenstein took what felt like forever to get to the actual monster action, dwelling instead in amateurish camerawork, clumsy editing, and some really bad acting. I did chuckle at the superimposed fog on top of the "day for night" shots of Dr. Stein's hospital. It didn't look real in any way, but it was funny. Also funny? The ending. Since you're probably never going to see Blackenstein, I suppose it's only fair to mention that while I did miss most of the Blackenstein action, I did catch the end where the police corner the monster with dogs. And then the dogs EAT Blackenstein.

 So yeah, I'm not really recommending Blackenstein - it's neither as bad or as funny as something like Scream, Blacula, Scream, or Abby - but I thought it would be worth sharing that. As blaxploitation goes, it doesn't really fail enough to be worth watching, nor does it succeed in pretty much anything. From what I saw, anyway. But then again I wasn't exactly operating under the ideal conditions for Blackenstein. Something tells me that watching it in a cabin in the middle of nowhere wasn't the best bet. But I didn't want to bring The Evil Dead or Cabin Fever. Sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bear eats you. You best bet is to just go bearing.