Retro Review: Jurassic Park III

 Jurassic Park III is the one that Steven Spielberg didn't direct, the one that has a dream sequence with a talking Velociraptor that says Alan Grant (Sam Neill)'s name on an airplane. I mean, that really ought to cover it, right? It's the one that's universally recognized as terrible and that director Joe Johnston (Captain America: The First Rocketeer) somehow managed to bounce back from. William H. Macy and Tea Leoni are in it, somehow they talked Laura Dern into shooting a cameo but Jeff Goldblum said, "nah, there's a line and I'm not crossing it again." I guess that Cats and Dogs money was too good to pass up. But enough about Jeff Goldbum - people will debate until the end of time about whether The Lost World really sucks or just kind of sucks - Alan Grant is back you guys! I choose to believe that this is the work of Sutter Cane, but obviously I have no evidence to support that because Cane hasn't given me any.

 Anyway, so I saw Jurassic Park III in the theatre because that was back when I'd go see anything and maybe we didn't know it was going to suck. Or we hoped it wouldn't. Or maybe we did know and we went to see it anyway because, hell, we'd already seen Jeepers Creepers. It was a long time ago. We watched the terrible movie where the Raptors have quills because dinosaur research had continued to advance and now they're closer to birds than lizards to yeah, multi-colored quills. Some dumb kid with rich parents got lost on Isla The Other One from The Lost World (I would like to point out that in The Lost World you can also see this island chain includes Isla Muerte. I'd love to see the dinosaurs on that one) and Alan Grant has to find him. Even though he's never been to that Island. I guess Vince Vaughn isn't considered trustworthy enough to find a kid. Probably a good call.

 So we left the stupid movie and went to a friend of a friend's house, which is never my idea of a good time, especially when the friend who brought you there (and is driving) goes in one of the back rooms to get high and you're watching South Park with some dude who is half conscious and mostly paying attention to his turtle aquarium behind the couch. Good times. If that doesn't already sound sketchy enough to you guys, the people who lived in this apartment would later steal a bunch of stuff from some girl, get confronted about it, and decide to just leave it all on the runway of the airport for them to find. True story. But eventually my friend comes back out and he's going to drive me home which is what I wanted to do, and he grabs two beers "for the road." This is my only option of getting home and we're well before the days of cell phones here.

 Well, as luck would have it, while driving back there's a police checkpoint and he's already opened one of the beers to drink while on the road (in his defense, he's a very functional alcoholic) and can't turn around. So, uh, we're going to have to deal with this prickly situation. In his infinite (read: under 21) wisdom, he opens the other beer and proceeds to pour both of them onto the floorboard of the driver's side, hoping that they won't notice. Take a guess how that well that worked. We are both ordered to get out of the car and to submit to a breathalyzer, which is fine with me because I haven't been drinking and I'm not going to jail. On the other hand, they continue to ask him "Sir, have you been drinking?" and he answers "No."

 Taking the breathalyzer out: "Sir, are you sure you haven't been drinking?"

 Him: "I have not"

 Handing him the breathalyzer: "Are you certain that you were not drinking tonight?"

 Him: "No"

 He's blowing into the breathalyzer: "One last time, have you been drinking tonight?"

 BEEP!

 Him: "Well, maybe one beer."

 And they put him in handcuffs and take him off to jail. Me? I'm sober and without a ride home, so I get to walk with the officer back to his truck so she can take a look around and see if there's anything else they should know about. The entire cabin reeks of cheap beer and I'm getting a headache just standing there. She finds his back pack filled with issues of High Times and says "this is promising" and to this day I don't know how she didn't find his bowl or why she didn't check the ash tray, which is exactly where what he normally smoked was tucked away. I mean, you are a cop, right? Well, I'm not going to be too rude, because she very apologetically explained that I would have to take his truck home because they couldn't spare an officer to drive me to my parents house (that'll be important in a minute). She have me her badge number and name in case someone pulled me over and noticed the pungent odor of beer everywhere, and off I went.

 I was living with my parents, who were asleep, so I had to sneak into their room to get the cordless phone out. That way they wouldn't wake up when he called me from the drunk tank to come pick him up, as he did at about 2 in the morning. I took my car (much better idea) and navigated through downtown - which I didn't know very well - and found him outside of the jail, giving a homeless guy the last five dollars he had. Then he smoked a cigarette and I took him back to his truck, which he drove home without incident. He lost his license for a year and there was probation or something else and now he has a PhD and four masters and is an expert on bats. So I guess it worked out. One time we shared a motel room during a wedding and there was a bat outside. He brought it in, but because he was drunk, he dropped it and the bat went under the bed. He laughed and said "that's what you get when you party with me!" and then went to sleep.

 Where was I...?

It's the (Second) Most Wonderful Time of the Year

 At one point, the Cap'n used to update the Blogorium to let everybody know when Horror Fests and Summer Fests were. That was back in the days before I was (vaguely) active in "social media," and the Blogorium was the best place to tell friends about it. And then I could create "events" and what not, and I kinda drifted away from "social" updates here in order to focus on reviews. After the fact, I'd put recaps up, but people visiting this blog didn't know when Fests where happening.

 Well, let's rectify that today. This weekend brings The Hyde Park Summer Fest Massacre Part 6(66), the seventh year of July film festival mayhem*. It promises to be a madcap extravaganza of the strange, the unusual, and the "what?!"; I've spent the better part of the year putting together the precise combination of B-Movies, slasher flicks, low-rent action films, and general "what the hell was that?" entries, and this year looks to be another wild one.

 This year, we'll be digging into:

 The Creature with the Atom Brain

 Remote Control

The Visitor

Tales from the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight

Attack of the Crab Monsters

Sleepaway Camp

Suburban Sasquatch

Creepshow 2

Deadly Prey

Savage Beach

Godzilla on Monster Island (aka Godzilla vs. Gigan)

A Special Mystery Movie

Destroyer

From Hell It Came

Death Sport

Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II

Zaat!

  Reviews / recaps will be up as quickly as I can get them online next week, but the entire weekend (starting Friday) will be devoted to movies. I'll also cram in as many trailers, interstitials, and crazy finds as I can (including our dear friend, Dr. Re-Animator). We aren't as young as we used to be, so we can't stay up until the crack of dawn. Ah, the days of Summer Fest 2, when we watched Shark Attack 3: Megalodon and Friday the 13th Part 2 until the sun came up. Still, we'll go as late as people with kids and 30-somethings can before we nod off.

 Summer Fest is (and always has been) a little different from Horror Fest, in that I'm open to watching more than strictly horror films. In the past few years we've tried to branch out from cult films to include action movies, science fiction, and Z-Grade schlock, all with great success. We don't pretend to be Mystery Science Theater 3000, but we aren't afraid to react to what's happening on screen, so keep that in mind. Try to keep conversation on-topic with the film, however.

 If you would rather experience Summer Fest vicariously, or would just like to know more about previous Fests, what the general atmosphere is like, check out the list of films here, or coverage here:

 Horror Fest (Summer Edition) (aka Summer Fest 1)

 Summer Fest 2

 The Greensboro Summer Fest Massacre Part 3

 Summer Fest 4 (Supplemental)

 The Cary Summer Fest Massacre Part 4

 The Hyde Park Summer Fest Massacre Part 5


 Also, Horror Fest: A People's History (Parts One and Two), which covers all Fests.

 Please forgive the writing in earlier recaps: not only was I writing between films, but my style was... evolving. The trade off in later years is immediacy in favor of quality.

 It's going to be a wild one, so if we see you there, be prepared!


 * Summer Fest 4 had to be pushed back a year because of work commitments, so there are "Supplemental" and "Official" versions, hence the numerical inconsistency. Think of it like The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror, if you like.

Cap'n Howdy's Best of 2013: The World's End

 I mentioned somewhere in the "middle" recap that This is the End was probably the funniest comedy I'd seen in 2013, but The World's End is the smartest. By a mile. The final chapter in Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg's loosely connected "Cornetto Trilogy" may not be as consistently hilarious as Shaun of the Dead or as audaciously violent as Hot Fuzz - which is not to say it isn't still frequent with the belly laughs and contains some serious carnage - but it's easily the best thought out of the three, the most thought provoking in its themes, and the most heart felt in its relationships. If, for some reason, you haven't made The World's End a "blind buy" on DVD and Blu-Ray (I know you didn't see it theatrically, because the numbers bear that out), do it right now. I'm going to spoil the ever loving hell out of The World's End, and I'd rather you see it without knowing where the movie is going.

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 I'm Warning You! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

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 Back? Wasn't that great? Yes, it was. If you just went ahead and skipped to the next paragraph, shame on you. I told you to watch it and you didn't, and now you're just going to have to see it knowing everything. But because you cheated, you'll be able to watch The World's End armed with some of the cleverly hidden easter eggs and thematic set-ups and payoffs that come from seeing it more than once. And you'll be seeing it more than once, cheater.

Okay, so here's a quick recap for the cheater: Gary King (Simon Pegg) is one of those guys who never quite got over the "glory days" of high school. In fact, his adult life is so underwhelming that the cajoles his old friends Oliver "O-Man" Chamberlain (Martin Freeman), Steven Prince (Paddy Considine), Peter Page (Eddie Marsdan), an Andy Knightley (Nick Frost) to join him in reliving a pub crawl they started, but never finished: The Golden Mile in their hometown of Newton Haven. The guys don't want to do it, but some stretching of the truth gets them all back in "The Beast" (Gary's car from high school), and they find themselves being dragged along by the ne'er do well as they try to finish a pint at The First Post, The Old Familiar, The Famous Cock, The Cross Hands, The Good Companions, The Trusty Servant, The Two-Headed Dog, The Mermaid, The Beehive, The King's Head, The Hole in the Wall, and finally, The World's End. But Newton Haven isn't the way they remembered it, at all. With only Oliver's sister Sam (Rosamund Pike) to help them, but guys are in for a long night, one they'll be lucky to survive, let alone drink through.

There are many place I could start with The World's End, but let's deal with the science fiction element that makes it part of the "Cornetto Trilogy" (Zombie movie, Cop Movie, Science Fiction Movie). I had the good fortune of seeing The World's End with a friend of mine who didn't know anything beyond the Golden Mile premise, so when the film takes a turn while Gary's in the bathroom, it caught him completely off guard. And that turn? Well, it's robots.

  Robots. Yep, getting that right out there, even though the replicants (?) don't like being called "robots," and the aliens behind the machines replacing humans in Newton Haven have (arguably) the most peaceful take-over planned in all of science fiction film. But it's not to be, of course, because humanity has a right to want not to be civilized in the galactic picture. In that way, one could argue that The World's End is a middle finger from mankind to the end of The Day the Earth Stood Still, with roughly the consequences that Klaatu promised as a result. It is, in essence, the pawns rebelling against a benevolent world-creator (well, mostly benevolent - all of the characters replaced by robots are fertilizer, which seems a little harsh) to the point that the creator (literally) says "Oh, fuck it."

 What's so very impressive about The World's End is how well structured Wright and Pegg's screenplay is. Like Shaun of the Dead, they lay out the entire story in the prologue, and pack in a dozen other small details that are referenced so quickly you wouldn't be faulted for missing them the first time around. On top of that, not only do all of the names and signs of the bar hint at what's going to happen inside (and have corresponding numbers to the phases of the Golden Mile hidden somewhere), they also reference, in varying ways, the twelve steps of recovery that we don't exactly know Gary is going through until near the end of the film. The last one isn't really covered in the "Signs and Omens" extras on the disc, which will help you if you don't have time to watch The World's End three more times this weekend, but came from another friend of mine who was in a similar situation to Gary.

 And, oh yeah, it's very funny. Put aside the densely layered script, the folding back on itself, the metaphysical subtext of humanity in the universe, and you still have a laugh out loud comedy. I love that Frost and Pegg switched character types for The World's End: Frost the one who has it together and doesn't trust Pegg, the perpetual loser who pushes his likability to the very limits over and over again. If the "Three Musketeers" scene in the trailer made you chuckle, wait until you see how they alter the phrase "rob Peter to pay Paul" and the shit-eating grin that Gary closes the scene with.

 However, it's not Pegg or Frost, or even Freeman who walks away the VIP - it's Paddy Considine. Admittedly, I'd seen less of him than Freeman, Marsdan, Pegg, Frost, and even Rosamund Pike, but he has some of the best lines, many of the best reactions, and ends up with the most to do in the story. The World's End is centrally about the fractured relationship between Gary and Andy, and the event that drove them apart, but Steven's longtime crush on Sam is the heart of the movie. I keeps Andy and Gary alive in the end, and Steven is the final vote that saves humanity (or dooms them, depending on your reading of things).

 That, in turn, brings us to the ending, which turns The World's End from science fiction film to my second favorite sub-genre (behind anthologies): Post-Apocalyptic Cinema. This seems to be a point of contention for some people, because it's such an abrupt left turn for the movie, but thematically it fits perfectly with what everybody in the story wants. Gary gets the gang back, Andy's with his family, Steven and Sam are together, Robot Oliver is basically the same (with a Wilson-esque head), and Robot Peter is pretty much where he started. Yes, humanity is without technology, and communication across long distances is almost impossible (until Kevin Costner comes to the rescue, we can assume), but they seem happy. Humanity continues, on their own terms.

 I'd like to mention that while I wasn't impressed with the characters in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, the staging and filming of fight choreography that Wright honed in making that film pay off in spades during The World's End. The fight scenes (and there are a few) are dynamic, with fluid camera work that manages to shift from one character to the next without ever losing a sense of geography in the (basically identical) pubs. The poor robots and their blue blood (?) are torn asunder, bashed, smashed, cracked, and beaten to pieces repeatedly, and Wright covers it all in a way that might not have been possible had he not made Scott Pilgrim. So bully for him.

 Even though we're neck deep in spoiler territory, I'm not going to tell our cheaters about the surprise characters in the film. I will say that in keeping with the tradition started in Hot Fuzz, there's another James Bond in the film, but I won't say who, nor will I tell you where the other cast members from earlier "Cornetto" entries appear, although most of them do. The World's End, of the three films, benefits the most from re-watching, and is an easy call to put in when you have friends over. Like Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, it didn't light the box office up, which is a shame, but since I gave Scott Pilgrim fans so much grief for saying the same thing, I won't lament it. Let's hope it has a long life on home video, just as its predecessors have. King Gary would want it that way.

Blogorium Review: Lawless

 There was pretty much no way I wasn't going to see Lawless, the new film from director John Hillcoat (The Proposition, The Road) and writer Nick Cave (of "and" The Bad Seeds, The Dirty Three, and in this film The Bootleggers). In fact, I broke my "don't go see a movie alone" for the first time since Eyes Wide Shut to catch a 9:25 showing the night it opened. While I used my employee ability to see it for free, believe me when I say I would have paid to watch Lawless. With that combination of director and writer, a story (based in fact) about three brothers who bootleg alcohol during prohibition and the cast they'd lined up, I wasn't expecting to be disappointed.

 The Bondurant brothers: Forrest (Tom Hardy), Howard (Jason Clarke), and Jack (Shia LeBouf) distill moonshine in Franklin county, Virginia, the "wettest county in the world" and business has been good to them. The brothers are the stuff of legend around Franklin county, in large part because Forrest has the ability to survive injuries and illnesses that would kill any other man. His "indestructible" nature and propensity for speaking little and sudden, brutal outbursts of violence have the respect of other moonshiners, and keeps the unpredictable Howard and sensitive Jack in their good graces. Things change when the normally amenable local police come under the jurisdiction of Mason Wardell (Tim Tolin) and Special Deputy Charles Rakes (Guy Pearce) come in from Chicago and begin making demands, or else.

 Forrest decides not to play along, raising the ire of Rakes and ending up on the wrong side of a screwdriver to the throat. Jack, eager to prove he's strong enough to be a part of the family business, strikes a deal with Chicago gangster Floyd Banner (Gary Oldman) and keeps the Bondurants in business while his older brother recovers. In the meantime, Jack decides he wants to woo Bertha Mennix (Mia Wasikowska), the daughter of a local preacher. She takes a liking to him, but her strict religious family recognizes trouble immediately. The success of the Bondurant boys enrages the Special Deputy, and he reveals just how far he's willing to go to end the legend of Forrest Bondurant once and for all.

 In a lot of ways, Lawless is a companion piece to The Proposition, and not merely because both are "period" stories; both films deal with familial bonds between brothers on the wrong side of the law and the consequences that can bring, albeit to different ends. Outside factors force the brothers to choose against their best interests in order to protect each other. If The Proposition is a "western" set in colonial Australia, then Lawless is a rural "gangster" film mostly without gangsters. Floyd Banner is a minor role, and while the boys do travel to Chicago to do business, if you're expecting something like Boardwalk Empire based on the chronological setting, prepare yourselves accordingly. This is more like Public Enemies by way of Matewan, but in a the best possible sense. Like The Proposition, it is a violent film, at times graphically so, and with that in mind I can understand why Roger Ebert considers it the kind of story that only deals with horrible people doing horrible things.

 From people I've talked to, Shia LeBeouf seems to be their concern as the "weak link" in an otherwise strong cast, but I have to say that as the weakest of the brothers, as the one who most desperately wants to impress Forrest, LeBeouf's Jack has much of Lawless to carry and does it quite well. You can understand what he sees in Bertha and why she's taken with him, even if the Bondurant reputation keeps her at bay. Speaking of which, Wasikowska has what should be the thankless "love interest" role and makes Bertha someone we care about, someone we worry for when Jack lets success get to his head. To be fair, Jack's success alongside Cricket Pate (Chronicle's Dane DeHaan) is born out of hard work, and when things go well, it's hard to blame them for celebrating and emulating the likes of Floyd Banner and Al Capone.

 Guy Pearce nearly steals the show as Charlie Rakes, the preening, squeaky-voiced Special Deputy with an affinity for brutality, matched only by his insistence on keeping clean at all times. Rakes wears one pair of gloves when beating Jack and another for when he chooses to use his gun. It's a greater insult to mar his face or mess his hair than to openly break the law, although it turns out there's one thing that Rakes hates even more than being disliked by criminals. With his shaved eyebrows and strange accent, it would be easy for Charlie Rakes to slip into caricature, to stand out too much from the rest of the cast, but Pearce always keeps him in check, a potent threat and not merely a joke of an antagonist.

 I realize I haven't even mentioned Jessica Chastain, who plays Maggie Beauford, a woman who left Chicago and came to Franklin county looking for work. She ends up in the gas station / restaurant the Bondurants use as a "cover" for their business, and like everybody else in Lawless, her history is far more complicated than one might suspect. Chastain has more to work with than Wasikowska as a character, and I was pleasantly surprised that despite what and who Maggie knows that her character's development is more than a plot device. There are a number of other recognizable actors in smaller roles that made me happy as the film went on: Noah Taylor (Almost Famous, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou) is Floyd Banner's right hand man, Lew Temple (The Devil's Rejects, Unstoppable) is one of Franklin county's deputies, and even Jason Clarke, the Bondurant brother who isn't as well known, has been memorable on Brotherhood and in Death Race, Public Enemies, and Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps.

 Okay, so clearly I haven't even mentioned Tom Hardy yet, who is the main attraction for most people who don't know who John Hillcoat is. After The Dark Knight Rises, he's on everybody's radar, and while I'd love it if more of you would go back and watch Bronson, Layer Cake, Inception, or Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, I'm happy you're going to see Lawless because he's in it. And disappoint Hardy does not: Forrest Bondurant is mostly silent, and Hardy finds ways to diminish his size under baggy sweaters and an oversized fedora. When Forrest speaks, he often begins by muttering or making a noise that feels less like an acting choice and more like an appropriate reaction to he's just heard. There's a great scene near the end of the film between Hardy and Chastain that suggests even Forrest can't separate the legend from fact about his life.

 I mentioned before that Lawless is based on a true story, documented in The Wettest County in the World by Matt Bondurant, grandson of one of the brothers. The film closes with a picture of the real Bondurant brothers as boys, and gives greater context to Jack's narration during the film, one that rides the line between the myth of the family and the reality as it moves forward to the other side of Prohibition. Also adding to the film's slightly unreal quality is the choices in music (performed by Nick Cave and Warren Ellis, as well as The Bootleggers, Ralph Stanley, Willie Nelson, and Emmylou Harris), most of which are anachronistic to say the least.

 That said, while it's initially strange to hear "White Light / White Heat" or Townes Van Zandt's "Snake Song" in a film set in the 1930s, the lyrically appropriate choices don't distract in a way that, say, Moulin Rouge does. Only "White Light / White Heat" is immediately recognizable, and it appears more than once during the film in different incarnations.

 Finally, this may simply be the Cap'n alone on crazy island, but the climactic showdown of Lawless reminded me of the end of Porky's. That's not in any way meant to diminish my enjoyment of the film, or even to suggest that the two movies are in any way similar, but somewhere my loony brain made that synaptic connection. Go figure.

Horror Fest Retro Review: The Trifecta of Doom!

 We continue our Retro Reviews of classic Horror Fest and Summer fest reviews with a few guest bloggers drunkenly reacting to what may be the most evil thing the Cap'n has ever done to an audience. It's true that I tricked people who thought they were just going to watch The Paul Lynde Halloween Special and then something good, only to stumble head-on into The Happening (the original Trappening), followed by a blind-siding of Freddy's Dead in 3-D. Yeah, I did that, and this is the genuine reaction from two people who endured the whole thing...

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Ladies and gentlemen of the blogorium, I submit to you that the Cap'n provided a one, two, three punch of awesomeness that you had to be here to fully appreciate.

We started with the Paul Lynde Halloween Special of nineteen hundred and seventy six, which finds a way of making you wish what you're seeing will end only to make it that much worse in the next scene. See, for no apparent reason, Lynde a) forgets what holiday it is, b) sings "Kids" from the Bye Bye Birdie soundtrack (with Donnie and Marie Osmond), c) is friends with Witchie Poo and The Wicked Witch of the West.

The witches give him three wishes, so Lynde becomes Big Red the Rhinestone Trucker, some sultan, and then takes the witches to a Hollywood disco, all with the help of Tim Conway, Florence Henderson, Betty White, and Kiss. For some reason Paul Lynde plays the ladies man for 2/3 rds of these wishes, which is even funnier since he's clearly not feeling it. There are also some very inappropriate jokes which I shan't repeat. And Peter Criss sings "Beth", which you think is as bad as it's gonna get, but then Florence Henderson sings, and it goes downhill from there.

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That was the warm up act for the return of M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening, which folks got to see a) for the first time or b) against their will.

For the Cap'n, the third time was in fact the charm, but I'll hand the blogging dutires over to one of our H-Fest goers, who has something he needs to say on the subject of nuts:

Who is the most captivating character in "Freddy's Dead: the Final Nightmare"?
Who Dropped the most F-Bombs at Horror Fest 3?
Who was the first to pass out from substance abuse?
Who was the first person to leave during the happening?
Hey, did ummm whathisname dun get atcho yesterday?
Who is the most influential figure in 20th century Kino?
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SPOILER ALERT!
SPOILER ALERT!
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Deeeeeeeeezzzzzz Nuuuuutz!


This is the Tominator here, taking over for Doctor -- Nay, Professor Murder. Seems he had a case of prostate examination on the brain. In any case, I am having a hard time digesting The Happening as being anything but a wretched, 90-minute low-brow attempt at thriller detournement. No, I can't even really justify the palpability of this movie as being a means through which it destroys or satirizes the entire oeuvre of horror-thriller. Thinking that Shitalawn had any ideas in his head relating to or borne out of knowledge of poststructural theory is absurd. This movie was simply, unabashedly, unabatedly awful. Patently disgusting. Quite possibly the worst thing I've ever seen. From the gratuitous "social commentary" that conflates worldwide human-wrought disaster with the few problems with nuclear power to the atrocious acting, despite Marky Mark's naive earnestness, The Happening can only have one thing said about it, one thing that sums up what this movie is about and what it tries to communicate:









DEEEEEEEZZZZ NUUUUUUU-UUUUUUUTTTTTZZZZZZ!!!!



Fuckin a right.

Josh takes over now. DEEZ NUTS.


For some reason (let's just say it involved a LOT of beer), that was the funniest thing ever to two of our Horror Fest attendees during Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare, which if you hadn't guessed was the third part of our trifecta.

We watched it 3-D, which was AMAZING, it turns out. Right now, Horror of the Blood Monsters is playing, in 2-D unfortunately. Otherwise known as Vampire Men of the Lost Planet, it's the only movie I never actually finished. The challenge to them is to see how far they can get before it turns off. When they finally give up, I'll let them watch a real movie.

I apologize about all the nuts. They're still laughing like hyenas.

Retro Review: Cap'n Howdy's Four Favorite Summer Fest Moments

 After getting the bad news out of the way, let's move on to happier times, shall we? After last year's Horror Fest: A People's History, wherein the Cap'n collected memories from folks who attended the first seven Horror / Summer Fests, I thought that to follow it up with my own favorite moments.

 Summer Fest was always designed to be more on the "fun" side: we'd watch horror comedies, focus less on being scared than being entertained, intentionally or otherwise. The atmosphere at Summer Fest is designed to be looser, less regimented. I like to put a list of movies out there, and adhere to it slightly - that way, you never know what you're going to see on a given night, which gives you incentive to come every day of the fest.

 It's traditionally where we'll try out some kind of new "gimmick": field trips, 3D, guest bloggers, or one of the five moments listed below (that happened after the oral history came into being). They slowly transformed from being all night affairs to include afternoon mini-marathons, as was the case at Summer Fest 3. Listed below, in no particular order, are four memories from Summer Fests 1-3 that stick with me. Many of them are film related, and even the one that isn't directly tied to a movie is an experience I'll never forget (or live down).

4. The First Field Trip - What often gets lost when discussing The Happening's role as our first "field trip" screening was the film that followed it when we got back to The Apartment of Solitude: Plan 9 from Outer Space. The experience of watching The Happening was a jovial one, save for one major issue - the air conditioning was so loud that half of the group couldn't hear the film. While that may sound like a godsend, considering how bad The Happening is, it doesn't help convey just how awful the film is without the wooden line delivery.

 Most of the negative reaction to The Happening comes (I think) from the second time I screened it, during Horror Fest III - it was an unannounced surprise, following the already bad Paul Lynde Halloween Special, and being exposed to something so terrible less than six months later was a bit cruel. That said, I think that during Summer Fest 2, following The Happening with Plan 9 from Outer Space gives you a much better idea of how the Cap'n views M. Night Shyamalan's "B-Movie." The idea was to convey a disasterpiece in its classic and modern forms, and had I not dropped The Happening in out of context four months later, it might not be as infamous as it is now.

 Or not.

 3. Late Nights / Early Mornings - What sticks with me about the first Summer Fest, beyond The Happening, was that it was the last time we consistently watched movies from dusk till dawn. I have vivid memories of being half-awake, watching Shark Attack 3: Megalodon and Friday the 13th Part 2 with Neil and the Cranpire at six in the morning. We'd nod off a little, wake up, nudge each other to catch some unforgettable moment (and there are many in Shark Attack 3), and then try to go on as long as we could before passing out as the sun came up.

 As I get older, it gets harder and harder to stay up all night, and we usually peter out somewhere between two and four a.m., and agree to regroup the following afternoon. During Summer Fest 3, we actually started Saturday at 2 in the afternoon, watching a quadruple feature of Phantasm III, Cheerleader Camp, The Gate, and Thankskilling, then took a dinner break (more on that next) and continued well into the night. Alas, the Cap'n and compatriots aren't as young as we used to be, and no amount of caffeine has been able to alter our curmudgeonly ways. Before too long, I'll be hosting Horror Fest Early Bird Specials, so we can all be in bed by 9. In that respect, it's nice to look back at those barely awake moments of shocks and laughs, aided by sleep deprivation.

 2. The Great McGangbang Experiment - Okay, so I don't think I gave her proper credit at the time, but the Rianimator (and at the time, Dominator) brought the concept of the McGangbang to my attention during Summer Fest 3. They insisted we read an article from Cracked.com about "food for failures," which was so funny that their insistence we try the McDonalds catastrophe seemed like a great idea. There were a handful of intrepid McTaste Testers, and after the matinee feature, we went to get the necessary materials to rock a McGangbang.

 I mentioned this in the original coverage (which has pictures), but the unholy combination of cheeseburger and McChicken sandwich wasn't all that bad. At first. The combination worked, in some illogical way, until your stomach caught wind of what was going on upstairs. Then rebellion began, and with the exception of our intrepid junior Summer Fest attendee, Chris, everyone who finished their McGangbang spent the next two hours in their own personal digestive hell. We had an extra one, thanks to a snafu about who was going to pick them up, but none of the people who arrived after the challenge wanted any part of it, mostly because they could see how miserable we were.

Luckily, iron stomach Chris took the last one home, secretly hoping that we could try the Taco Bell variation some time soon. It's the first food challenge we've ever had at a horror fest (if you don't count trying to drink Bud Light with Clamato or our Wild Irish Rose mixed beverages a challenge), and I don't know if there will ever be another one. If so, it would have a lot to live up to.

 1. Discovery, discovery, discovery - I'm not even sure where to start with this one. My main goal with the Blogorium is to expose people to films they've never heard of or have never considered before. Horror and Summer Fests are an opportunity to move beyond just writing about it and to actually watch those movies with and audience. Sometimes, it may be a film we've seen before that takes on a life of its own (like the Night of the Lepus screening at Summer Fest 1 that became a twenty person version of Mystery Science Theater 3000), but more often it's about films that I've heard of and save for a fest, often without watching them myself. Better still are movies that someone brings to a fest that knock everybody off of their feet.

 I mention Blood Car and Terrorvision a lot on the Blogorium, but would have never known they existed without Neil and Dr. Tom (respectively) bringing them to my attention. That they stand out at their respective fests (Summer Fests 1 and 2) is saying something, considering just how many great movies played those weekends, but it's so. I'd also like to highlight Teeth, The Giant Claw, Fido, Hillbillys in a Haunted House, Death Bed: The Bed That Eats, ThanksKilling, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, Drag Me to Hell, and Basket Case, which I hadn't seen to that point. The lost, forgotten, and obscure gems are what keep these festivals interesting to me, or we'd just watch our favorite horror movies over and over again (which we sometimes do).

 In that spirit, if there's a Summer Fest this year, I have many films that I'd never heard of prior to 2011 that should be fun to watch, including The Boogens, Abby, Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, Dr. Black and Mr. Hyde, Rubber, Bug, and From Hell It Came that should provide hours of enjoyment. I also have ideas for new "theme" nights, although they might be split up over the next few years, devoted to blaxploitation films, animals gone wild films, and marathons based on actors from Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, and Doctor Who (would you believe that I'm working on finding horror movies for as many of the twelve doctors as I can?).

Shocktober: Official Horror Fest Announcement

Greetings, readers. As many of you know, October is my favorite month for movies, and the Cap'n tries to stack the deck with horror movies that I haven't seen or that I think you should hear about. There's also something else that happens every October, and that's:

HORROR FEST

Now, a number of regular readers have been asking me for details about Horror Fest V (originally sub-titled "A New Beginning," per the Friday the 13th series). Originally, I had planned to hold it in Santa Fe, where I'm currently located, but there's been a slight change of plans. This Halloween weekend, Horror Fest V will take place in....

GREENSBORO

where the Cap'n will be returning in the next week or so. I won't bore you with the details, because Horror Fest is front and center here in the Blogorium, and boy howdy do I have a killer lineup this year. Also, I have a new sub-title:

This year's Horror Fest Includes:

Weasels Rip My Flesh

Curse of the Undead

Point of Terror

Kingdom of the Spiders

Frankenhooker

Pieces

The House of the Devil

Street Trash

City of the Living Dead

The New York Ripper

The House on Sorority Row

It's Alive

The Evil Dead

Happy Birthday to Me

Let the Right One In

Night of the Living Dead

Tales from the Crypt

The Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue

The Exorcist

and our only returning film...

Trick 'r Treat

Festivities will begin Thursday, October 28th, at 7 p.m. and will continue until Sunday, October 31st. Due to budgetary limitations, this year's Horror Fest will be a BYOB affair*, and snacks may be limited.

The location is contingent on where the Cap'n ends up moving in Greensboro, so stay tuned for details. I hope to see as many of you as possible for Horror Fest's return to G-Vegas!

* The upside is that there will be NO Wild Irish Rose, Tequiza, or Bud Light with Clamato on the premises.

Horror Fest: A People's History (Part Two)

Welcome back to Part Two of the oral history of Horror Fest. If you need a refresher on who's who, please refer to Part One. We begin the recounting with a favorite (and hotly contested) story from the first Summer Fest:


The C.H.U.D. Incident:

Barrett: I remember that chick that nearly jumped out of her seat when she saw a C.H.U.D. Then Cranford looked over and said “were you just scared by a C.H.U.D.?” The answer was clearly a “yes”

Kai: I was not scared by C.H.U.D!

Nathan: She was definitely scared by a C.H.U.D.

And Now Barrett Presents His Patented Rules for Surviving Horror Fest:

Rule Number One of Horror Fest -

Bring your own Booze

Okay now you may be asking yourself "Well Brains won't there be booze at the Horror Fest?" Well of course there will be booze at Horror Fest, Satan may not partake but he still knows how to get down! BUT you see here is the thing, the booze at Horror Fest can't be trusted, remember who’s supplying it, your drinking Satan's booze and it's not his good stuff it's primarily fucking Wild Irish Rose & Mountain Dew game fuel (sponsored by red bull). Unless you’re Adam or, well, Cranpire (in which case I'm really fucking sorry) you really don't want to drink it. So what I'm getting at is that Horror Fests are great, as long as you remember it's BYOB, a good time will be had by all... oh yeah, and as long as you follow Rule Number Two!

Rule Number Two:

Do Not Pay Any Attention To That Hideous Pile of Crap on the Couch (That's Cranpire)!

So just to give you a bit of a warning Horrorfest's have been known to be one of the rare occasions when you can see the Cranpire outside it natural surroundings. For those uninitiated with the beast, he is best described as a Golgothan, yes that's right, he's basically a 6 foot tall pile of crap. I mean for a six foot pile a crap he doesn't smell that bad, just of the plague and communes for some reason, but I digress, he will make noise at you he may even follow you around, but what ever you do don't touch him or your cloths will never be the same (Brains tip: go to goodwill for the perfect Cranpire safe attire wear once then burn). But as long as you follow these simple rules a good time will be had by all.

Strange Adventures on the Front Porch:

Patrick: Two words, Hammer and Bullet. Now yes I was intoxicated (I usually am at the fests and elsewhere) but it was just a bullet and a hammer.

Barrett: Does it shock anyone that Cranford was intoxicated? I’m surprised he even remembers this story!

Patrick: My memory is shit and most of you know it. I really do not know how many [Horror Fests] I have been to.

The Cap’n: I remember that people didn’t want to be anywhere near him while he was hitting a bullet with a hammer. It pretty much cleared off the porch.

Riannon: I cannot recall now if Cranford was intent on provoking that bullet to explode with a hammer before or after we dealt with The Happening, but I’m leaning towards before. You see, Cranford lives in the existential torture chamber into which The Happening shoved the rest of us, so his clumsy dance with death was routine. But the rest of us would not have been made so nervous, and would not have repeatedly asked him to distance himself from us if this was post-Happening. Should you have to see this film, be forewarned: the events depicted therein only rudely re-imagine the effects of watching M. Night Shamilividanron pictures. Remove yourself from sharp objects, high ledges, firearms, and Cranfords with hammers.

Patrick: The amount of fear and nervousness that I inspired in the hearts of the other festers was just laughable. Yeah, I am a goof and not very careful but really what was I going to do. People were hiding and getting worried but I was just fooling around. Nothing would of or could have happened but the fear in faces still makes my day...

Phillippi: I’m pretty sure that Mythbusters has proven Cranford right on that one.

Nathan: But if any freak accident was going to happen, you know it would happen when he was doing it.

Terrorvision:

Tom: Some time later, I flashed back to January 1988, watching on the old WKFT-40 station from Fayetteville - which has since become Univisión - on a Saturday evening with my family the film TerrorVision. We had recently as a family obtained our first VHS VCR - a sleek Emerson front-loader - and it became a weird hobby of my mother and me to randomly record things that showed up on television. We have stacks of VHS tapes of things taped from TV, but TerrorVision was the first movie we taped. The very fact that this was -ever- on broadcast TV - and, unedited, since I've hence found the original tape - is mind-boggling given how gratuitously dirty the movie is. On the same tape were two episodes of PeeWee's Playhouse, an episode of 21 Jumpstreet, and about half of Poltergeist. (We were still learning the subtleties of SP, LP, and EP speeds) This is what passed for fun in our house, especially if there wasn't anything good on TV that particular night. And, until we had built up a reasonable library of film texts, a lot of our off-time viewing pleasure derived from this tape and others like it. (I think I had watched the orphic Canadian Christmas special "George and the Christmas Star" a solid dozen times between Christmas '87 and New Year's '88) But TerrorVision remained that anomaly. Years later I recalled it, and remembered the name Mary Woronov, though uncertain how or where. I tried tracking this gem down, but it was never released as a DVD and the VHS had long been out of print. I happily forked over eight dollars plus shipping just to get another glimpse at what I remembered, ostensibly, as a family movie. After seeing it at Horror Fest for the first time in probably eighteen or so years, I can only conclude that my family was nothing more than fucked in the head. I am happy that my childhood recollection of a weird-assed film no one else in the room had ever seen paid off big: this may have been one of the few times that I have ever heard the Cap'n, among other aficionados, ask non-rhetorically: "What the hell did I just watch?"

Kai Once Again Disputes "The C.H.U.D. Incident":

Kai: Ladies and gentlemen, Horror Fest attendees one and all, I am writing to address a serious case of slander and libel that has caused me many a sleepless night. I stand accused of being the only person to ever be frightened by a C.H.U.D. Yes, I do mean Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers from the 1984 cult classic. I hope to clear my name and reputation by recounting the true events of that fateful movie showing.

One dark and stormy night in early July I stood in front of an ominous building that was bathed in red light straight from hell. I thought it was only the oppressive humidity that was causing my hair to curl but now I know that it was the impending horror and evil that I would encounter.

The movie selection was C.H.U.D. and all was well for most of the showing. My fellow horror fans and I laughed at the special effects and questionable script yet I still detected danger under the seemingly benign joviality. I attempted to quell my suspicions but my survival instinct told me to prepare for the worse.

And then came that scene, oh what a scene, I can hardly bring myself to narrate the horror! As the protagonist made his way down into the deep dark sewers teeming with unknown dangers I felt as if all of humanity was in mortal peril. When all of a sudden OHGODNO! The C.H.U.D. appeared with glowing eyes, dripping fangs, male pattern baldness, and an aura of pure evil. No circle of Dante's hell or Nicholas Sparks book contained such a horrific creature worthy of contempt.

But do not dare to think that I was frightened. My valor did not falter. The so-called "start and gasp" that has been taken as evidence for my faintness of heart was truly a rush of adrenaline as I prepared to defend those crammed into the tiny room. Only I recognized the menace that was in our midst. So no, I was not frightened by the creature, this C.H.U.D, but I was preparing myself for the inevitable battle to the death that must occur in order for humans to maintain dominance over the despicable monster. While it turns out that my assistance was not required to vanquish the evil C.H.U.D. foe, you dear Horror Fest fan, must recognize that you stared into the glowing eyes of pure evil that night and that John Heard and I saved humanity so that you may drive your Prius in safety.

Nathan: Nope. She was definitely scared by a C.H.U.D.

Controversy:

The Cap’n: Generally speaking, the hardest time someone has at a Horror or Summer Fest is their first. If you’ve never been to one before, it’s hard to know what the atmosphere is going to be like. Movies take precedence, generally with running commentary from the viewers, but these events are not like normal parties where people wander in and out during movies. The following anecdote is about such an incident.

Adam: One year, a relative newcomer (who we will call Mr. X) showed up for
the Friday night festivities. He seemed like a decent guy, maybe a
little too in to Madden NFL, but personable. He had such a good time
that he decided to bring a date (Ms. Y) the next night.

Andrea: Y'know. *them*

Adam: Saturday night is typically the crown jewel of the fest, featuring the most anticipated flix and thus the largest audience. I believe we were watching Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus (or MSVGO to the initiated), when Mr X. and Ms. Y came in. They sat on the floor and began chatting...well, she began chatting. She was drunk and getting drunker by the minute, which would have been fine if she could have even constrained her conversation to the movie. MSVGO is not a movie that demands constant attention and some light heckling is warranted. Her first real mistake came when she decided to confront Pat on his encyclopedic knowledge of pornography. Anyone who knows Pat, is well aware that he could write a column for the Adult Video News (I assume
there is a periodical).

Patrick: I do know my porn.

Adam: The confrontation centered on her insistence that a certain actor in the movie resembled some porn actor, who she incorrectly named. When pat corrected her, she fought a little too hard for her mistake and it fell to Barrett and his Blackberry Storm to confirm Pat's information. She, at this point, became very impressed
with Pat. This was not reciprocated.

Barrett: Oh, you mean [NAME DELETED]? I actually knew her independently of this situation, and when she’s drunk, things can get bad pretty quickly.

Adam: Her second mistake came in instigating too many intra-movie smoke breaks. Anyone who has been to horrorfest or summerfest is well aware that the smokebreak is the Cap’n's natural enemy.

The Cap’n: Were it not for smoke breaks, I assure you we could watch every movie in the lineup without problem. Instead, the breaks get longer and longer the more of them go out there, so I tend to put on Dr. Re-Animator’s “Move Your Dead Bones.”

Andrea: Yay! The "Move Your Dead Bones" video ad infinitum, and the dancing!

Phillippi: Oh god, not that stupid video.

Neil: I'd love to tell you all about the Beyond Re-animator techno remix in all it's... well, I don't know the word. Unfortunately, if I described it, you would not believe me. It is quite possibly the worst thing I have ever seen, in too many different ways to count. I may just have to claw out my eardrums and eyeballs, but that still won't dislodge it from the deep recesses of my brain.

Nathan: [the Cap’n] found it on the Beyond Re-Animator dvd. It’s some vaguely Spanish Mark McGrath looking guy singing a techno song about being re-animated.

Barrett: [the Cap’n] says he puts it on when people go out for smoke breaks. I say it causes the smoke breaks.

Phillippi: It’s more of a “chicken or the egg” thing, if you ask me. The video sucks, and he does play it between every single movie.

Adam: So the more she convinced people to go out on the roof and smoke, the more annoyed many of us got. Not to mention the fact that the more time people spent with her, the more they grew to dislike her, but at this point it remained largely tacit. Finally during one of the breaks, Pat sneaks back inside to talk to those of us not smoking or milling around outside and says "OK. Which one of us is going to tell her to shut up? Let's draw straws." Which we did. As I recall, Neil drew the short straw but
really didn't want to be the one to do it.

The Cap’n: I don’t remember this at all.

Adam: Eventually we settled on feeding her a little concoction we like to call Hobo Bug Juice (HBJ) which is a mixture of Wild Irish Rose and Mountain Dew Game Fuel. She didn't get very far into it before, as far as I could tell, she realized that she was in a hostile environment. She got very quiet and then wanted to leave. Mission Accomplished. Neither Mr. X or Ms. Y showed up at any further fests as far as I am aware.

Cars, Tools, and Ratcheting the Tension:

Phillippi: This happened a year or two ago, a friend, we'll call him Cranpire so as not to protect his identity at all, hauled himself to Greensboro in his car (which is the same steady sort of process of decay as the Parthenon) for horrorfest and of course it broke down on him. He was pretty sure it was the spark plugs, so he called some other friends who knew about cars to come help him replace them. They brought tools, and the only thing they requested of him was that he go down to the auto parts store and get the plugs and the proper size ratchet to change the plugs with. Cranpire did this, and in the early afternoon we all gathered around his car to quickly and easily (or so we thought) fix it. The tools came out, and not having a ratchet there (hence the request Cranpire buy one) They guys looking at the engine asked for the tools. Cranpire handed over the plugs, along with a two inch long shiny cylindrical slug, the socket. I looked over and asked... "Where's the ratchet?"

"That's it," he replied

"No that's a socket, that doesn't work very well without the ratchet wrench to apply torque to the plugs," I tried to explain.

"Well I asked for something to change my spark plugs with and that's what the guy at the parts store gave me," Cranpire replied as if this wasn't his fault. I shook my head.

"So you don't have the ratchet." I said.

"Well.... I THOUGHT I did." We all stood around alternating shaking our heads in disgust, laughing, or cursing under our breaths. The more mechanically inclined members of the group took what wrenches they did have, needle nose vise grips, a pipe wrench and a couple of small general purpose adjustable wrenches and set about trying to get down in and loosen even one of the spark plugs. I could tell it wasn't going to work.

After about ten or fifteen minutes of trying to fit wrenches clearly not made for the purpose of removing spark plugs down into spaces clearly not large enough for the same aforementioned wrenches, they start to look at other ways to get to the plugs. As I stood there watching my friends discuss the possibility of removing the entire fuel injection system from the top of the engine block to get a better shot at getting to the spark plugs, I look over at Cranpire, who is busy flipping an eight inch long metal object about the size and shape of a wooden cooking spoon over and over in his hand... My jaw dropped.

"What is that?" I demanded.

"What?" Cranpire responded obliviously.

"In your hand... what is that?"

"Oh its just the thing that came with the spark plug thingie." He explained wondering why everyone was suddenly staring at him.

"That," I said as calmly as I could at the moment, "IS. A. RATCHET!" I slapped my forehead with my palm.

"Really, well how was I supposed to know?" He asked indignantly.

"You could have guessed from the fact it came ATTACHED TO THE SOCKET!!!"

"Oh, yeah.... does this mean you guys can fix my spark plugs then?" And yes indeed we could, after at least ten minutes of berating him for wasting our time, and one or two attempts to explain to him how badly we could have fucked up his car removing the fuel injection system ( a lost cause), we did in fact get his spark plugs replaced.

AND WE HAVE NEVER LET HIM LIVE IT DOWN.

Parting Thoughts:

Patrick: You mean besides getting to hate on Barrett (which is a great joy)?

Adam: Well, there was Pat trying to piss on people from the roof, Pat considering trying to piss in the toilet through the bathroom window when he didn't want to leave the roof…

Patrick: Hey!

Adam: I shirked a wedding I was supposed to be heavily involved in for Summerfest, me working through my grief over a Halloween funeral by driving clear across the state round trip to make it back for Shark Attack 3: Megalodon and the Shecklestein brothers.

The Cap’n: Oh yeah! Shecky and Yankel Shecklestein!

Tom: There are ever more things that I will remember, but these seem to be the most prominent, and I am sad that the tradition is coming to a graceful and classy close, but look forward to what may in fact be other offshoot traditions. I could write some plenty about the idea of creating a community and fostering a central idea or axis about which people rotate and gravitate and return to, but I'm hoping this message is in the very least implicit for the lot of you reading this. Don't make me break out the sociological guns.

Andrea: My absolute favorite Horror Fest / Summerfest memory is the feeling of sheer delight that I get from being so freely silly with (and enjoying shared experiences of the absurd with) such wonderfully wonderful people. People I feel I can relax around, people who are hilarious (isn't laughing the best?), people I love. People who are very, very dear to me. Us all gettin' together to watch something ridiculous & crack wise about it is just SO MUCH FUN. It makes me giddy. I'm a kid at Christmas when I'm going to Horrorfest.

Tom: And as long as I can find some way to make a DEEZ NUTZ joke, hopefully at Adam or Neil's expense, the merrier I shall be.

Neil: I just heard a strange noise coming from downstairs, so I'm going to go investigate. I'll be right back…