Reflections on "Bad Movie Night" by Cap'n Howdy

 Bad Movie Night is coming up this weekend. For some of you that means you'll be at the Blogorium, inexplicably sharing in on the agony and the ecstasy of the best of the worst I can throw at you. For some, it will be a recap you take a look at later on, and think to yourself "wow, I'm glad I didn't have to sit through that." For the Cap'n, it's a fun, if admittedly unorthodox way to spend time with friends. It's also a good opportunity to clarify a few things, as I do from time to time. There's an inherent contradiction coming up, but I am vast and contain multitudes. Or I'm a walking contradiction. I can't remember. Anyway, let's discuss how Bad Movie Night fits into the evolving notion of the Blogorium and the Cap'n Howdy mission statement overall.

 Without fail, at some point during Bad Movie Night, someone is going to ask me if I'm going to see X or Y terrible movie, and I'm probably going to say "no". A friend recently asked if there was a review on the Blogorium for Tusk, and was confused / disappointed when I explained that I stopped watching the movie around the time that Johnny Depp showed up. That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me, the point at which I realized that nothing Kevin Smith had in store for Tusk was worth investing any more time on. If you really want to know how I feel about post-SMODcast Kevin Smith as a director, there's a review for Red State out there that pretty much covers it. I'll add that it isn't particularly enthralling to hear his M.O. for making movies that aren't sequels is to get really high, record a podcast, and then turn whatever he comes up with into a movie. You know, like "Jaws with a moose." Nevertheless, I fully expect a question about how excited I am for Mallrats 2 (not at all).

 That said, it's totally fair to ask me that, especially at something called Bad Movie Night. Historically speaking, the get together-s hosted by the Cap'n have centered around horror movies or schlock, and primarily schlock. They're fun films to rally around, and are conducive to a party atmosphere. It's an informal crowd that comes to Blogorium events, and while you aren't expected to participate in any MST3k-like riffing on movies, I don't discourage making comments when something just doesn't make sense. The specious plot that bridges gratuitous nudity in Andy Sidaris films practically begs for some level of commentary. But I wouldn't do the same if I was at Nevermore (well, sometimes, but much more quietly). We do, on occasion, watch screwball comedies or more serious fare, and there's talk of branching into different "fest" directions, but let's stick with Bad Movie Night for now.

 Bad Movie Night was borrowed from a tradition my brother and his friends started more than a decade ago: during birthday celebrations, they'd each buy the birthday boy or girl the worst movie they could find, and everyone would have to sit through it. They would drink heavily and apparently it got quite loud. I'd never actually been to one, but the first Bad Movie Night was built loosely on that premise. Having had some experience with Horror Fest and Summer Fest, I thought I could program one that had some really entertaining stinkers, and we'd kick it off with a field trip to see Crank 2: High Voltage. Trust me, while highly entertaining, it falls squarely within the rubric of "bad movie". That was followed by The Giant Claw, Batman and Robin, Mac & Me, Troll 2, and Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky. A good time was had by all, and whenever possible, I've tried to keep it going.

 The Blogorium has existed in various forms over the years, but since I moved to this service, I've kept the "about" information over to the right basically the same. Sometimes, the phrase "Trash Savant" has come back to haunt me, because it implies that my movie watching palate is limited to sifting through lots of garbage to find the Least Worst Of. And I get it, because around the turn of the century / millennium / whatever, there was a point where the Cap'n and friends would go see anything. Like, literally, we'd just go see a movie to see a movie. How else do you explain watching The In Crowd, or Loser? Or the double feature of The Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps and The Replacements when I had an entire multiplex to choose from? Yes, I saw 8mm and Idle Hands and the first two Resident Evil movies. On the big screen. I don't know why. Well, I do: they were playing and we had already seen Payback or whatever else we really wanted to see. Sure, I also spent the summer of 99 watching Eyes Wide Shut and The Sixth Sense, even The Blair Witch Project and South Park (and, yes, The Phantom Menace), but for some reason only the bad movies stuck.

 It continued over the years, and yeah, I would organize group outings for Alien vs. Predator or The Matrix Reloaded, or Professor Murder and I would just go see, well, anything. Again, allow me to stress that yes, we only saw Paycheck because we were too late for Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. I don't remember why we went to see Godsend or The Butterfly Effect, or even Saw. A lot of that was a throwback to high school, I think, when we would regularly go to the discount theater to see things like The Big Hit or Suicide Kings, or The Big Lebowski. And also Godzilla, Lost in Space, Scream 2, and whatever else was playing. It was fun, and cheap, and bad movies are tremendously entertaining. The summer of 2008 had to be a record for "what's playing this week," because I saw The Dark Knight, The Happening, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Hellboy II: The Golden Army, and The X-Files: I Want to Believe. One of them was good.

 But, over time, they became a smaller part of my cinematic consumption. I know that a lot of friends from that era didn't necessarily keep up with that, which is why I'm still chided for not having watched Alien vs. Predator: Requiem. I'll probably still get grief for it, because I have no plans to watch it, and what I'll go out to the theater to see grows more and more limited. Most of the things I've seen on the big screen over the last year ended up on the Best of List. The last two movies I saw were Birdman and It Follows, both based on the great word of mouth I had been hearing from friends. Despite what people might assume, It Follows was the first movie I saw in theaters from 2015. These days, if a movie just looks bad (like, oh, Seventh Son), I'm less inclined to see it just to see it. The last time that happened was probably Movie 43, which was every bit as forgettable and terrible as you've probably heard. Lockout was the last time I really had fun with a terrible movie, which is why it's playing as a double feature with Lucy at Bad Movie Night this year.

 Herein lies the aforementioned contradiction, because I do still watch bad movies. Hell, I watched Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster last week, and Sorority House Massacre II the week before that. They are, by no stretch of the imagination, good movies. In the past you'd have reviews up for those, instead of It Follows and The Babadook. In fact, Sorority House Massacre and Sorority House Massacre II are probably going to end up under the "Cranpire Movies" banner, which is what I tend to use when I want to talk about schlock. It's not that Cranpire will watch anything (even he has limits), but it's become a running joke between us that he'll sit through what I won't. Still, the two (technically three) Sorority House Massacre films are so disparate, even from each other, that I'd like to share their charms with you all. But I'm probably never going to watch Taken 3. And I doubt I'll ever finish Tusk.

 The funny thing about having had this blog for so long is that I'm frequently held responsible for reviews I wrote years ago. That's fair, I suppose, but I have tried to evolve as a writer and as a reviewer, so when I look back at a quarter review of something like Student Bodies and have to defend it when someone from the film takes exception to it, I cringe a little. Not because I didn't write it - I did, in the middle of a Fest - but because it's not really a review. It's a reaction to something that happened that I wrote quickly while people had a smoke break. It's a time capsule of a moment in the history of the Blogorium, but it's not how I would write it today. But you can't tell that to somebody who finds the review through a Google search - it's not an ongoing evolution of film criticism to them. It's a review, one that says the movie they like sucks.

 Or worse, it's The Mechanic review, which was a run of the mill Jason Statham movie, where I didn't feel one way or the other about it. In fact, by and large I gave up reviewing films headlined by Statham because they'd all be like The Mechanic - an overview of the plot, general comments about the action, he was good, the supporting cast was okay, the story was serviceable. Other than the Crank films, it's a pretty succinct reaction to most of his starring roles, and if I can't add anything to the conversation, I'll find something else to review. That doesn't stop people from reading The Mechanic review - which they do - and assuming that's currently how I feel about the movie. Honestly, four years later? I've forgotten almost everything about it. Even the "World Champion" ring, but it doesn't matter. Everything is contemporary on the internet.

 Which brings us back to Bad Movie Night and bad movies in general. As long as the Blogorium exists and posts can be found ala carte on search engines, people can and will safely assume that's all the Cap'n is about. And that's fair - I like the Dr. Re-Animator picture at the top of the page and The Werewolf vs. the Vampire Woman background scroll bar. Perhaps someday they'll change, but hopefully it gives visitors an indicator that things aren't taken too seriously around here. Please don't think that I don't enjoy bad movies: one of the things that drove me crazy in film courses was an attitude of intellectual snobbery, of a dismissal of "low art" that wasn't to be bothered with. It wasn't rampant, but there is an attitude of "if it isn't a classic or a modern classic, it's not worth bothering my time with". I remember working with someone who sneered at the idea that Peter Jackson would adapt The Lovely Bones because it was "pop fiction" and that he was "above" that*. He should just stick to Tolkein, I guess. Look how well that worked out for The Hobbit.

 Over the years, I've tried harder to provide a balance of "high" and "low" art, and to be honest with you, I don't watch a lot of these neo B-Movies. If you read my Hobo with a Shotgun review, you'll notice that I didn't have a lot of fun with the movie. I hated Machete Kills. There wasn't enough about Wolf Cop to merit a review, to be honest, and I don't watch Syfy Channel Originals. It's not a matter of being dismissive of them, to jump back a paragraph - I don't particularly care one way or the other, and I'm not going to tell anyone not to watch them. I try to mention them as little as possible, so unless someone asks why a Sharknado movie isn't at Bad Movie Night or Summer Fest, you won't hear about it in the Blogorium. It's the same thought process behind the Transformers series: I haven't seen them, I'm not planning on it, so why devote time and energy into insulting them? There are literally thousands of blogs that do that. But if you want to know about The Beach Girls and the Monster, I've got you covered.

 Moving forward, the goal is to try to bring you reviews for films you maybe haven't heard about, old and new. If it's a major release, I might review it if there's something worth bringing up I haven't seen anywhere else. Otherwise, you probably won't see it until the Recap. In the meantime, I'd rather focus on movies like Under the Skin or Spider Baby (to name a couple from last year). They're very different movies for very different audiences, but I really enjoyed both of them, and you might too. I'm always open to suggestions, but it's been a long time since the Cap'n would go watch literally anything. By the same token, I'll pay money to see Samurai Cop with an audience, even though I own two copies of Samurai Cop. It was worth it to see their reaction. That was the same situation with Things at last year's Bad Movie Night - I suffered through it alone so I could see the faces I made on my friends. And by the way, they could have left, but no one did.
 

 This year's Bad Movie Night is a... shall we say, unique assemblage of "so bad, it's good"**: Continuing in our trend of "being afraid of women in the 1950s," there's Devil Girl from Mars, followed by High School Confidential, Disney's The Black Hole, Raw Force, the aforementioned Luc Besson double feature, and a special Trappening. Because you shouldn't always know what you're getting at a Bad Movie Night. A recap should follow some time next week, and then after that, it's back to whatever strikes the Cap'n as worth writing about. Maybe schlock, maybe not. We're on the cusp of blockbuster season, so maybe those will make it into the mix. I'm not sure. Above all else, my goal for the immediate future is to make Cap'n Howdy's Blogorium as unpredictable as possible, so as to keep you from settling in to "this is what to expect." Hell, I might even go back and re-review some of the older posts, just for kicks. Stay tuned, and if you're on your way to Bad Movie Night, prepare yourself...



 * I never saw The Lovely Bones, so I can't weigh in on whether it was any good or not, but it's a similar attitude to refusing to read a book that's been adapted into a film - like Trainspotting - because that "taints" the source material. And yes, that was another instance that came up with a similarly dismissive person.
** That's a big criteria for me - bad movies that are just bad are a waste of everybody's time.

Summerfest 3 Wrap Up: Yearbook Edition!

This year, the Cap'n is afraid to say I took less pictures, but what I did do was make sure that the nights (except Thursday) had a group photo, which I'll share with you as a way of wrapping up the fest.

The Thursday Night Summerfest Groovie Ghoulies were: Phillippi, Englund, Chris, Riannon, Domenic, and Nathan (all pictured on other days, so not a total loss photographically)

Friday Night's Summerfest Groovie Ghoulies:

(seated: Cranpire, Tom, Riannon, Alicia. standing: Phillippi, Barrett, Domenic, Rebecca, Chris, Nathan)

Stairway photo designed to evoke the first Summerfest.

Saturday Night's Summerfest Groovie Ghoulies:

(row one: Tom, Chris, Liz, Englund. row two: Riannon, Andy, Randy. row three: Domenic, Alicia. back row: Ben, Andrea, Cranpire, Nathan.)

Sunday Night's Bonus Film Summerfest Groovie Ghoulies:

(from left to right: Ben, Andrea, Neil, Nathan.)

and now a handful of other random photos, alternate shots, and moments that bear sharing:

Nathan, the new Jonas Brothers King.

Domenic attempts to take a group photo, Facebook style. We ended up with this.

How to move your dead bones en Espanol.

The Cranpire and the Doctor engaging in the mortal enemy of the Cap'n: the smoke break.

Thank you, Netflix "Watch It Now." Thank you.

Good times outside.

Finally, two alternate takes of the stair picture:

I had the flash on by accident, losing the red light, but I like it in its own way.

Still shot from a video I took of the stairwell. If the video wasn't sideways, I'd post that too.

Thanks to all of the Summerfest Groovie Ghoulies that helped make this year's fest my favorite yet! The Cap'n might take a day off but will return this week with more insight and foolishness, so stay tuned.

Horror Fest: A People's History (Part Two)

Welcome back to Part Two of the oral history of Horror Fest. If you need a refresher on who's who, please refer to Part One. We begin the recounting with a favorite (and hotly contested) story from the first Summer Fest:


The C.H.U.D. Incident:

Barrett: I remember that chick that nearly jumped out of her seat when she saw a C.H.U.D. Then Cranford looked over and said “were you just scared by a C.H.U.D.?” The answer was clearly a “yes”

Kai: I was not scared by C.H.U.D!

Nathan: She was definitely scared by a C.H.U.D.

And Now Barrett Presents His Patented Rules for Surviving Horror Fest:

Rule Number One of Horror Fest -

Bring your own Booze

Okay now you may be asking yourself "Well Brains won't there be booze at the Horror Fest?" Well of course there will be booze at Horror Fest, Satan may not partake but he still knows how to get down! BUT you see here is the thing, the booze at Horror Fest can't be trusted, remember who’s supplying it, your drinking Satan's booze and it's not his good stuff it's primarily fucking Wild Irish Rose & Mountain Dew game fuel (sponsored by red bull). Unless you’re Adam or, well, Cranpire (in which case I'm really fucking sorry) you really don't want to drink it. So what I'm getting at is that Horror Fests are great, as long as you remember it's BYOB, a good time will be had by all... oh yeah, and as long as you follow Rule Number Two!

Rule Number Two:

Do Not Pay Any Attention To That Hideous Pile of Crap on the Couch (That's Cranpire)!

So just to give you a bit of a warning Horrorfest's have been known to be one of the rare occasions when you can see the Cranpire outside it natural surroundings. For those uninitiated with the beast, he is best described as a Golgothan, yes that's right, he's basically a 6 foot tall pile of crap. I mean for a six foot pile a crap he doesn't smell that bad, just of the plague and communes for some reason, but I digress, he will make noise at you he may even follow you around, but what ever you do don't touch him or your cloths will never be the same (Brains tip: go to goodwill for the perfect Cranpire safe attire wear once then burn). But as long as you follow these simple rules a good time will be had by all.

Strange Adventures on the Front Porch:

Patrick: Two words, Hammer and Bullet. Now yes I was intoxicated (I usually am at the fests and elsewhere) but it was just a bullet and a hammer.

Barrett: Does it shock anyone that Cranford was intoxicated? I’m surprised he even remembers this story!

Patrick: My memory is shit and most of you know it. I really do not know how many [Horror Fests] I have been to.

The Cap’n: I remember that people didn’t want to be anywhere near him while he was hitting a bullet with a hammer. It pretty much cleared off the porch.

Riannon: I cannot recall now if Cranford was intent on provoking that bullet to explode with a hammer before or after we dealt with The Happening, but I’m leaning towards before. You see, Cranford lives in the existential torture chamber into which The Happening shoved the rest of us, so his clumsy dance with death was routine. But the rest of us would not have been made so nervous, and would not have repeatedly asked him to distance himself from us if this was post-Happening. Should you have to see this film, be forewarned: the events depicted therein only rudely re-imagine the effects of watching M. Night Shamilividanron pictures. Remove yourself from sharp objects, high ledges, firearms, and Cranfords with hammers.

Patrick: The amount of fear and nervousness that I inspired in the hearts of the other festers was just laughable. Yeah, I am a goof and not very careful but really what was I going to do. People were hiding and getting worried but I was just fooling around. Nothing would of or could have happened but the fear in faces still makes my day...

Phillippi: I’m pretty sure that Mythbusters has proven Cranford right on that one.

Nathan: But if any freak accident was going to happen, you know it would happen when he was doing it.

Terrorvision:

Tom: Some time later, I flashed back to January 1988, watching on the old WKFT-40 station from Fayetteville - which has since become Univisión - on a Saturday evening with my family the film TerrorVision. We had recently as a family obtained our first VHS VCR - a sleek Emerson front-loader - and it became a weird hobby of my mother and me to randomly record things that showed up on television. We have stacks of VHS tapes of things taped from TV, but TerrorVision was the first movie we taped. The very fact that this was -ever- on broadcast TV - and, unedited, since I've hence found the original tape - is mind-boggling given how gratuitously dirty the movie is. On the same tape were two episodes of PeeWee's Playhouse, an episode of 21 Jumpstreet, and about half of Poltergeist. (We were still learning the subtleties of SP, LP, and EP speeds) This is what passed for fun in our house, especially if there wasn't anything good on TV that particular night. And, until we had built up a reasonable library of film texts, a lot of our off-time viewing pleasure derived from this tape and others like it. (I think I had watched the orphic Canadian Christmas special "George and the Christmas Star" a solid dozen times between Christmas '87 and New Year's '88) But TerrorVision remained that anomaly. Years later I recalled it, and remembered the name Mary Woronov, though uncertain how or where. I tried tracking this gem down, but it was never released as a DVD and the VHS had long been out of print. I happily forked over eight dollars plus shipping just to get another glimpse at what I remembered, ostensibly, as a family movie. After seeing it at Horror Fest for the first time in probably eighteen or so years, I can only conclude that my family was nothing more than fucked in the head. I am happy that my childhood recollection of a weird-assed film no one else in the room had ever seen paid off big: this may have been one of the few times that I have ever heard the Cap'n, among other aficionados, ask non-rhetorically: "What the hell did I just watch?"

Kai Once Again Disputes "The C.H.U.D. Incident":

Kai: Ladies and gentlemen, Horror Fest attendees one and all, I am writing to address a serious case of slander and libel that has caused me many a sleepless night. I stand accused of being the only person to ever be frightened by a C.H.U.D. Yes, I do mean Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers from the 1984 cult classic. I hope to clear my name and reputation by recounting the true events of that fateful movie showing.

One dark and stormy night in early July I stood in front of an ominous building that was bathed in red light straight from hell. I thought it was only the oppressive humidity that was causing my hair to curl but now I know that it was the impending horror and evil that I would encounter.

The movie selection was C.H.U.D. and all was well for most of the showing. My fellow horror fans and I laughed at the special effects and questionable script yet I still detected danger under the seemingly benign joviality. I attempted to quell my suspicions but my survival instinct told me to prepare for the worse.

And then came that scene, oh what a scene, I can hardly bring myself to narrate the horror! As the protagonist made his way down into the deep dark sewers teeming with unknown dangers I felt as if all of humanity was in mortal peril. When all of a sudden OHGODNO! The C.H.U.D. appeared with glowing eyes, dripping fangs, male pattern baldness, and an aura of pure evil. No circle of Dante's hell or Nicholas Sparks book contained such a horrific creature worthy of contempt.

But do not dare to think that I was frightened. My valor did not falter. The so-called "start and gasp" that has been taken as evidence for my faintness of heart was truly a rush of adrenaline as I prepared to defend those crammed into the tiny room. Only I recognized the menace that was in our midst. So no, I was not frightened by the creature, this C.H.U.D, but I was preparing myself for the inevitable battle to the death that must occur in order for humans to maintain dominance over the despicable monster. While it turns out that my assistance was not required to vanquish the evil C.H.U.D. foe, you dear Horror Fest fan, must recognize that you stared into the glowing eyes of pure evil that night and that John Heard and I saved humanity so that you may drive your Prius in safety.

Nathan: Nope. She was definitely scared by a C.H.U.D.

Controversy:

The Cap’n: Generally speaking, the hardest time someone has at a Horror or Summer Fest is their first. If you’ve never been to one before, it’s hard to know what the atmosphere is going to be like. Movies take precedence, generally with running commentary from the viewers, but these events are not like normal parties where people wander in and out during movies. The following anecdote is about such an incident.

Adam: One year, a relative newcomer (who we will call Mr. X) showed up for
the Friday night festivities. He seemed like a decent guy, maybe a
little too in to Madden NFL, but personable. He had such a good time
that he decided to bring a date (Ms. Y) the next night.

Andrea: Y'know. *them*

Adam: Saturday night is typically the crown jewel of the fest, featuring the most anticipated flix and thus the largest audience. I believe we were watching Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus (or MSVGO to the initiated), when Mr X. and Ms. Y came in. They sat on the floor and began chatting...well, she began chatting. She was drunk and getting drunker by the minute, which would have been fine if she could have even constrained her conversation to the movie. MSVGO is not a movie that demands constant attention and some light heckling is warranted. Her first real mistake came when she decided to confront Pat on his encyclopedic knowledge of pornography. Anyone who knows Pat, is well aware that he could write a column for the Adult Video News (I assume
there is a periodical).

Patrick: I do know my porn.

Adam: The confrontation centered on her insistence that a certain actor in the movie resembled some porn actor, who she incorrectly named. When pat corrected her, she fought a little too hard for her mistake and it fell to Barrett and his Blackberry Storm to confirm Pat's information. She, at this point, became very impressed
with Pat. This was not reciprocated.

Barrett: Oh, you mean [NAME DELETED]? I actually knew her independently of this situation, and when she’s drunk, things can get bad pretty quickly.

Adam: Her second mistake came in instigating too many intra-movie smoke breaks. Anyone who has been to horrorfest or summerfest is well aware that the smokebreak is the Cap’n's natural enemy.

The Cap’n: Were it not for smoke breaks, I assure you we could watch every movie in the lineup without problem. Instead, the breaks get longer and longer the more of them go out there, so I tend to put on Dr. Re-Animator’s “Move Your Dead Bones.”

Andrea: Yay! The "Move Your Dead Bones" video ad infinitum, and the dancing!

Phillippi: Oh god, not that stupid video.

Neil: I'd love to tell you all about the Beyond Re-animator techno remix in all it's... well, I don't know the word. Unfortunately, if I described it, you would not believe me. It is quite possibly the worst thing I have ever seen, in too many different ways to count. I may just have to claw out my eardrums and eyeballs, but that still won't dislodge it from the deep recesses of my brain.

Nathan: [the Cap’n] found it on the Beyond Re-Animator dvd. It’s some vaguely Spanish Mark McGrath looking guy singing a techno song about being re-animated.

Barrett: [the Cap’n] says he puts it on when people go out for smoke breaks. I say it causes the smoke breaks.

Phillippi: It’s more of a “chicken or the egg” thing, if you ask me. The video sucks, and he does play it between every single movie.

Adam: So the more she convinced people to go out on the roof and smoke, the more annoyed many of us got. Not to mention the fact that the more time people spent with her, the more they grew to dislike her, but at this point it remained largely tacit. Finally during one of the breaks, Pat sneaks back inside to talk to those of us not smoking or milling around outside and says "OK. Which one of us is going to tell her to shut up? Let's draw straws." Which we did. As I recall, Neil drew the short straw but
really didn't want to be the one to do it.

The Cap’n: I don’t remember this at all.

Adam: Eventually we settled on feeding her a little concoction we like to call Hobo Bug Juice (HBJ) which is a mixture of Wild Irish Rose and Mountain Dew Game Fuel. She didn't get very far into it before, as far as I could tell, she realized that she was in a hostile environment. She got very quiet and then wanted to leave. Mission Accomplished. Neither Mr. X or Ms. Y showed up at any further fests as far as I am aware.

Cars, Tools, and Ratcheting the Tension:

Phillippi: This happened a year or two ago, a friend, we'll call him Cranpire so as not to protect his identity at all, hauled himself to Greensboro in his car (which is the same steady sort of process of decay as the Parthenon) for horrorfest and of course it broke down on him. He was pretty sure it was the spark plugs, so he called some other friends who knew about cars to come help him replace them. They brought tools, and the only thing they requested of him was that he go down to the auto parts store and get the plugs and the proper size ratchet to change the plugs with. Cranpire did this, and in the early afternoon we all gathered around his car to quickly and easily (or so we thought) fix it. The tools came out, and not having a ratchet there (hence the request Cranpire buy one) They guys looking at the engine asked for the tools. Cranpire handed over the plugs, along with a two inch long shiny cylindrical slug, the socket. I looked over and asked... "Where's the ratchet?"

"That's it," he replied

"No that's a socket, that doesn't work very well without the ratchet wrench to apply torque to the plugs," I tried to explain.

"Well I asked for something to change my spark plugs with and that's what the guy at the parts store gave me," Cranpire replied as if this wasn't his fault. I shook my head.

"So you don't have the ratchet." I said.

"Well.... I THOUGHT I did." We all stood around alternating shaking our heads in disgust, laughing, or cursing under our breaths. The more mechanically inclined members of the group took what wrenches they did have, needle nose vise grips, a pipe wrench and a couple of small general purpose adjustable wrenches and set about trying to get down in and loosen even one of the spark plugs. I could tell it wasn't going to work.

After about ten or fifteen minutes of trying to fit wrenches clearly not made for the purpose of removing spark plugs down into spaces clearly not large enough for the same aforementioned wrenches, they start to look at other ways to get to the plugs. As I stood there watching my friends discuss the possibility of removing the entire fuel injection system from the top of the engine block to get a better shot at getting to the spark plugs, I look over at Cranpire, who is busy flipping an eight inch long metal object about the size and shape of a wooden cooking spoon over and over in his hand... My jaw dropped.

"What is that?" I demanded.

"What?" Cranpire responded obliviously.

"In your hand... what is that?"

"Oh its just the thing that came with the spark plug thingie." He explained wondering why everyone was suddenly staring at him.

"That," I said as calmly as I could at the moment, "IS. A. RATCHET!" I slapped my forehead with my palm.

"Really, well how was I supposed to know?" He asked indignantly.

"You could have guessed from the fact it came ATTACHED TO THE SOCKET!!!"

"Oh, yeah.... does this mean you guys can fix my spark plugs then?" And yes indeed we could, after at least ten minutes of berating him for wasting our time, and one or two attempts to explain to him how badly we could have fucked up his car removing the fuel injection system ( a lost cause), we did in fact get his spark plugs replaced.

AND WE HAVE NEVER LET HIM LIVE IT DOWN.

Parting Thoughts:

Patrick: You mean besides getting to hate on Barrett (which is a great joy)?

Adam: Well, there was Pat trying to piss on people from the roof, Pat considering trying to piss in the toilet through the bathroom window when he didn't want to leave the roof…

Patrick: Hey!

Adam: I shirked a wedding I was supposed to be heavily involved in for Summerfest, me working through my grief over a Halloween funeral by driving clear across the state round trip to make it back for Shark Attack 3: Megalodon and the Shecklestein brothers.

The Cap’n: Oh yeah! Shecky and Yankel Shecklestein!

Tom: There are ever more things that I will remember, but these seem to be the most prominent, and I am sad that the tradition is coming to a graceful and classy close, but look forward to what may in fact be other offshoot traditions. I could write some plenty about the idea of creating a community and fostering a central idea or axis about which people rotate and gravitate and return to, but I'm hoping this message is in the very least implicit for the lot of you reading this. Don't make me break out the sociological guns.

Andrea: My absolute favorite Horror Fest / Summerfest memory is the feeling of sheer delight that I get from being so freely silly with (and enjoying shared experiences of the absurd with) such wonderfully wonderful people. People I feel I can relax around, people who are hilarious (isn't laughing the best?), people I love. People who are very, very dear to me. Us all gettin' together to watch something ridiculous & crack wise about it is just SO MUCH FUN. It makes me giddy. I'm a kid at Christmas when I'm going to Horrorfest.

Tom: And as long as I can find some way to make a DEEZ NUTZ joke, hopefully at Adam or Neil's expense, the merrier I shall be.

Neil: I just heard a strange noise coming from downstairs, so I'm going to go investigate. I'll be right back…

Horror Fest: A People's History (Part One)

Editor's Note: After compiling the testimony of those who where there for the madness that is Horror and Summer Fest, the Cap'n has more than he expected. Ergo, I'll be breaking the oral history of Greensboro's Underground Horror Event(s) into two parts. Each part is broken into relevant sections covering the fests and surrounding events. Enjoy.

The “Who’s Who” of Horror Fest Memories:

The Cap’n: Fearless leader, host of Horror and Summer Fests, sadist.

Nathan: Horror aficionado, frequent attendee. Also sadist.

Andrea: Regular Horror Fest attendee, geek. Not particularly sadistic.

Adam: Nuclear Physicist / Engineer. Masochist.

Patrick: Video Store employee, has attended every Summerfest. Porn expert.

Riannon: Roller Derby intellectual turned horror nut. Sadistic and masochistic.

Tom: A Doctor. Has attended every Horror and Summer Fest.

Neil: Comes for the torture. Stays for the movies.

Barrett: Reluctant mechanic. Enemy of the Cranpire.

Phillippi: Parent and Politico. Not a fan of Matango.

Liz: Culinary expert and Used Book seller. Loves Golden Girls.

Kai: Graduate Student. Afraid of C.H.U.D.s.

Kevin: First time visitor last fall. No fan of Jive Turkeys.

Random Memories and Movies:

Nathan: My best memories of Horror Fest(s): Revisiting old favorites (Chopping Mall, C.H.U.D., Night of the Lepus) with people who weren't as familiar with them and the beautiful commentary that came as a result of it.

Andrea: Cranford's spot-on comment timing.

The Cap’n: I really wish I could have recorded the commentary for Night of the Lepus [at Summer Fest 1]. It may never get better than that. We may have used every rabbit joke there is.

Nathan: Adam's various attempts at drinking Wild Irish Rose and the faces he made because of them.

Adam: Just remembering the taste gives me the feeling that someone is walking
over my grave.

Andrea: Also, the endlessly entertaining picture of Adam post-Budweiser with Clamato.

Tom: There will always be Tripwire, which I eagerly anticipate downing yet again, just for auld lang syne.

Liz: Getting to see [Return to Horror High] was a life-changing moment. I think that film launched George Clooney into that bit part on Golden Girls.

The Cap’n: I’m forever grateful that Neil introduced us to the film Blood Car, a movie that took a year to get ahold of.

Tom: I remain convinced that Blood Car may be the unsung hero of low-budget horror-comedy. Perhaps, even, its Messiah, given that the subject matter - at once palatable as well as beyond-the-pale-inconceivable - propels the juggernaut forward. I would probably never have seen this flick were it not for SummerFest (and, reluctantly, Neil), nor would I have ever thought about the ludicrous - yet in our era of living beyond peak oil - moral and ethical ramifications of using living beings to power the world in which we live. As over-the-top as the story is, and as painful and occasionally gruesome as it is (puppy hunting, anyone?), it stands to reason that Blood Car fits our times and delivers a message (that presumably few will see) we need. When I saw this at SummerFest, my then girlfriend and I ruminated over the film and bonded even more over it. We would break out laughing when we encountered wheat grass or a bag of chips at the grocery store. Tofu became an awkward commodity. We balked at the idea of ever becoming that speciesist as a human race, but were kept in check when a gallon of gasoline was nearly one-half of an hour's work for me at the time.

Nathan: Blood Car! I need me a Blood Car.

Tom: As a kitten-loving vegetarian, I was alarmed at how loudly I was laughing at the slaughter of a disabled, triple-amputee vet for his luscious sanguinity.

The Cap’n: Oh, and there was The Giant Claw, which most people missed out on!

Neil: Trying to decide on a closing film for horror fest is serious business, so Nathan and I knew we were in for an experience when all of a sudden [the Cap’n] says, "alright sit down, we're watching Giant Claw." It's from the 50's, stars no one you've ever heard of, and it's called Giant Claw. Sounds incredi-awesome, right?

The Cap’n: Yes.

Neil: Ladies and gentlemen, by my count, I watched 13 movies, and all of them lived up to any preconceived expectations, but this one exceeded my wildest imaginations. For the first half hour, you never see the mysterious, out of focus threat plaguing the skies. (Whether out of suspense of lack of money is anyone's guess.) But nothing, and I mean nothing can prepare you for when it's finally revealed. Not even me spoiling it for you right now and telling you it's a giant antimatter space turkey.

Nathan: *combination of sighs and chuckling*

Neil: Yes, that's right, an giant antimatter space turkey, who boldly ignores the basic laws of particle physics and declares war on humanity, presumably out of boredom or the need to procreate light years away from whatever galaxy it flew from. (According to the trailer, it's also 17 million years old.) It also has googly-eyes.

Adam: I feel so bad for that bird.

The Cap’n: I feel bad that we watched The Ruins.

Neil: I don't remember much about The Ruins because I was distracted by Adam's running commentary, which should tell you all you need to know about how interesting a movie it is.

Adam: I really stopped caring after the HJ collector died.

Kevin: I remember when me and Zak came up there last year and you and me were the only ones left to watch Scream Blacula Scream. We talked of jive turkeys and funky soul antics all through out the movie.

Andrea: Omg, the Troll 2 popcorn scene!

The Cap’n: Best. Sex. Scene. Ever.

The Happening:

Riannon: I wish I could say that my favorite moment from Horrorfests gone by was not a cruel, sadistic/masochistic (depending on who you ask, of course), and unnecessary viewing. But I’m a fucker, so that wish is dishonest. We all deceive ourselves at the unconscious level, though. Which is perhaps why someone—several people, rather--thought it was a really great idea to put The Happening into production.

Nathan: Ah, the modern crapsterpiece The Happening and everyone else's vitriolic reaction to it.

Riannon: It was only a week or so earlier that The Cap’n had arranged a special trip to the theatre to view what he hailed as THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE. Even in an age hip to hyberbole, this was a claim not to be ignored. Like moths to a flame, like whores to a Harley, like us to this movie, we fell in line and went to see Mark Wahlberg undo all the good that was I Heart Huckabees. The laughs issued from our bellies and even deeper, and we were, by those final scenes in the old shed--where the downsy leads reveal the true love you felt not even once, for a second, ever-- on the edge of giggling insanity. (Perhaps it was happening?) I just found this excerpt of a review: Joe Morgenstern of The Wall Street Journal said that the film was a "woeful clunker of a paranoid thriller" and highlighted its "befuddling infelicities, insistent banalities, shambling pace and pervasive ineptitude". Joe, you’ve wasted too much time looking for college words. Piece of shit.

Tom: (July 2008) I will unregrettably never see The Crappening by M Night Shit-on-my-lawn. While I could piecemeal together the entirety of the film from what I have been told, and while I could tell you unequivocally that no amount of pressuring or convincing me that I should see it because it might be the worst thing ever made and I may never have that chance again.

The Cap’n: After everybody came to see The Happening for our Field Trip movie, I brought them back to watch Plan 9 from Outer Space. Lucky Tom only caught the second part…

Tom: I have room enough for only one Worst Movie Ever Made. Once Plan 9 From Outer Space is wholly obliterated from the museum of human creation, I can safely see The Crappening. The two cannot feasibly or safely coexist in my existence, and to do so would be to unleash antimatter unto my soul, which would, of course, devastate the universe and create a black hole precisely where in the movie house (or Kinohaus) I sit.

Nathan: Tom was lucky. He didn’t see it – the first time...

Riannon: But Shamlasdidgyanana’s B movie was a great occasion to be amongst friends, friends that love to torture themselves in public as well as the comfort of their own homes. Yet, I never expected to have an opportunity to revisit the pain in such terribly, wretchedly close proximity to the first exposure. That’s where the Cap’n can get you—if it seems too much, too soon, he’s probably considered it.

Barrett: He tricked us, you know. The Cap’n made us go see it on the big screen and then made us watch it AGAIN the following October.

The Cap’n: That is true. Ain’t I a stinker?

Nathan: After making us watch The Paul Lynde Halloween Special.

Riannon: So then there we were, huddled in the viewing room waiting for Horrorfest’s secret surprise great times fun picture…and we were firmly punched in the asshole with the opening credits to The Happening. Fuck. We suffered well, the only way we knew how: by making as many interruptions, mocking to the best of our ability, by adding a bittersweet commentary track to the biggest budget snuff film ever—if you consider that we were watching the deaths of several Hollywood careers, and the drawn-out sacrifice of the dignity of human storytelling. Our laughter was a thin veil for pain, real pain, the kind that interrupts our comfortable 21^st century being with echoes of the ancient suffering that sent many off to war with the glad hope of being impaled by broadswords.

Liz: Has anybody mentioned how drunk Adam and Tom got during The Happening? And how Freddy’s Dead turned into on long DEEZ NUTZ joke?

Tom: I honestly don't remember much of the second half of The Happening, and for good reason. Dr Davis and I decided that there was a necessity in easing the torturous pain from the onslaught of rife overacting, plebeian and laughable storyline, and every imaginable absence of cohesion possible in a film by consuming a fair to middling amount of... of... well, I'll be damned if I knew what we were drinking.

Adam: DEEEEEEEEZ NUTZ!!!!

Tom: Who is the most captivating character in "Freddy's Dead: the Final Nightmare"? DEEEEEEZ NUTZZZZZ!!!!!

Barrett: If he ever shows [The Happening] again, I’m leaving.

To be continued tomorrow...

The Greensboro Summerfest Massacre Part 3 Lineup

Here it is, ladies and germs. Your official Greensboro Summerfest Massacre Part 3 lineup for July 1st-3rd, 2010.

The Main Attractions:

Basket Case

The Stuff

Fright Night


The Descent Part 2

The Gate


Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

The Evil Dead

C.H.U.D.

Ghostbusters


Thankskilling


Bad Taste


The Call of Cthulhu

The Burning


Night of the Living Dead

Cheerleader Camp

Return of the Living Dead


The Toxic Avenger

Leprechaun 3

The Crazies

The Navy vs. The Night Monsters

Featuring Special Guest Films:

Chopping Mall

Planet Terror


Killer Klowns from Outer Space

Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead

Critters

Howling III: The Marsupials


Dawn of the Dead (2004)

The House of the Devil

Special Appearance By:

Doctor Re-Animator

Several people have asked, but there will be NO Field Trip film this year. Twilight: Eclipse is the only remotely "horror" related film in theatres near Summerfest, and I'm not interested in subjecting any of us to that. We're here to have fun this time!