Summerfest 3 Day One: Werewolf in a Girls Dormitory and The Toxic Avenger

The madness has begun! Thanks to the streaming power of the internet and some PS3 chicanery, the Cap'n got started a little early by watching Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory, which - as many arriving guests warned others - is nowhere as interesting as the title suggests.

In fact, "Girl's Dormitory" may be a little misleading, since it's more like a Shutter Island for troubled teens. For example, our heroine (at least, I think so) Priscilla (Barbara Lass) is locked up for "attempted homicide" and her investigation into suspected werewolf activity may just be an elaborate set up by the institution to help her overcome the grief of mauling her friend Mary (Mary McNeeran). Actually, it's probably not, but I didn't actually finish the movie, so I don't know.

For about 45 minutes, we watched a "mystery" about Mary's death (spoiler: the werewolf kills her in the first ten minutes) without the benefit of anybody or thing we care about. If you're looking for a werewolf (or Ghoul, as IMDB lists the film), good luck; there's a kinda-werewolf looking thing near the beginning and then a whole lot of nothing until the 50 minute mark, when a dude that looks like a reject from Horror of the Blood Monsters stalks around in hairy gloves and a black body suit. I think.

What most of the run time we could bother ourselves with had to do with Priscilla trying to figure out which of the increasingly sketchy staff members was the killer (she assumes as wolf killed Mary, but doesn't know a WEREwolf did the deed, so we the audience are left playing the "which one is the wolf?" game). Is it the newly arrived Doctor Julian Alcott (Carl Schell), who transferred to the facility after being acquitted of murdering one of his patients? Is it Sir Alfred Whiteman (Maurice Marsac), the headmaster that may or may not be the subject of blackmail? The Peter Lorre-looking groundskeeper? The super sketchy assistant to the head Doctor? The head Doctor? The lady whose name I forgot? Why do so many of the dubbed actors seem to be speaking English? These are mysteries for the ages, because The Toxic Avenger was calling...

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After we finished Troma's crown jewel, The Toxic Avenger, it became clear that not watching the movie since any of us were 11 does wonders in helping you forget EVERY SINGLE THING about the movie. Oh, I remembered the gore, and Toxie of course, but the mop that finishes off every corpse? The popcorn scene? Toxie's ability to know who is and isn't guilty by murdering them and letting the audience do the detective work? The incredibly well driven "car" scene? The flagrant theft of Death Race 2000's "scoring points" system?

We'd totally forgotten about them, along with almost every other nuance of this cult film. In a sense, it was like being able to watch the movie all over again, except much older and (slightly) more discerning. To say that the movie has high production values might be overstepping the boundaries a bit, but compared to how cheap The Toxic Avenger III and IV are, the original makes Chopping Mall look like... uh... well, Chopping Mall. Which is awesome, but also low budgeted, which I guess is where I was going with that.

Look, if you're watching a movie called The Toxic Avenger, and the "21st Anniversary" introduction from director (and Troma co-founder) Lloyd Kaufman is all about how Toxie is out of shape and now gay and somehow closes on Sgt. Kabukiman, NYPD, then you take what small pleasures you can get, and there are many to be had. Just set your threshold for being offended aside, because there's really no point letting this movie upset your delicate sensibilities.

Things we learned from The Toxic Avenger:

- in Tromaville, the local Mexican Restaurant sells Tacos, Milkshakes, and Pizza. They also keep samurai swords on the wall beneath the sombrero.
- "cornholing a blind chick" is on everybody's bucket list.
- the Mayor of Tromaville is also his receptionist.
- renting two tanks isn't that expensive, apparently.
- it was even cheaper to rent the gym, because almost 80% of the movie takes place there.
- exit signs are deceptive.
- two giant bags of coke are better than one if you're driving a flatbed truck with open barrels of toxic waste.
- taking a picture of a blind girl's dead dog and putting on her wall so she can remember him by NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE THE PICTURE is Toxie's finest hour.
- no, wait; killing the midget in the laundromat just moments after we've been introduced to the character is.
- you can write a script where it's just assumed the characters also know things only the audience has been exposed to.
- Toxie can selectively choose who / what is or isn't burned by his radiation.
- Not watching a movie for twenty years and then coming back to it is actually a better idea than you'd think.

Up next: The Descent Part 2!