Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead - I intentionally chose the third Phantasm film because unless you're planning to show all four films in one sitting, any one of the sequels will be as confusing as the others to first time viewers. To wit, when Kevin asked "why is he shrinking that corpse?" the only logical answer Phillippi could give him was "because the Tall Man needs them to be small when they cross into the other dimension," which is exactly the case, but makes no sense unless you're really trying hard to follow the Phantasm films. The series is a bit like watching a dream unfold, and the logic of the Tall Man and Michael's story is better left unexplored. It's easier to follow Reggie's story, which is how these films hook you in and prepare you for the sometimes nonsensical inter-dimensional elements.
Cheerleader Camp - It seemed only fair to include another summer camp-esque slasher movie, particularly since The Burning was really more "summer camp" than "slasher", and Cheerleader Camp (aka Bloody Pom Poms) is truly a bizarre and awkward movie. It tries so hard to cram disparate elements together: borderline-camp black comedy, periodically gory kills, goofy teen comedy, murder mystery, hallucinatory dream sequences, and Leif Garrett. In the end, it's kind of like mashing up Friday the 13th, Sleepaway Camp, Heathers, The Disorderlies, Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid, and VH1's Behind the Music into one overstuffed platter. Since you can call the "twist" about 15 minutes into the movie, the only thing left to do is enjoy the union of movies that just shouldn't fit together and make jokes about how much older Leif Garrett looks than the rest of the cast (funny tidbit: he's actually the same age or younger than half of the girls). Oh, and you have to hear the cheerleader "rap" (skip to the one minute mark):
ThanksKilling - Oh my goodness. I don't want to say too much about this right now, because we're going to watch it again later tonight (ThanksKilling demands a large audience), but this movie is like the demented, cheaper, step-brother of Blood Car. Its brilliance is the willingness to embrace how stupid a talking rubber turkey is on the part of the filmmakers, and then not to care and push onwards. Every moment the turkey's onscreen is gold (except, perhaps, for when it's radioactive and therefore glowing green), and there are moments in this film I guarantee you'll never see anywhere else ("I found this feather and an extra-small gravy flavored condom in her room!")
The Gate - For those of you who saw The Gate when you were younger and forgot about it (or just have hazy memories), watch it again. This is a disturbing kids' movie. Seriously. The things that happen to Stephen Dorff's Glen (I swear I never heard anyone call him Glen, so we just called him Billy) are the stuff of childhood abandonment nightmares: his dog dies, his sister basically ignores him (save for when her friends make him levitate into a lightbulb, which he shatters with his head), his best friend is dragged into the wall by a zombie repairman, his parents leave for the weekend (or are killed), only to return and dissolve in front of him, and to top it all off, his treehouse is torn down to reveal a gate to hell with a giant demon that sticks an eyeball in his hand.Really? People thought this would be good for kids to watch? And how do I know that kids watched it? Because I saw this movie and so did just about everyone else I know born between 1977 and 1982 (the film came out in 1987). I hadn't seen it in years, but it's one nightmarish situation after the other, each escalating until Glen witnesses the literal creation of "hell on earth" and has to save the world by himself with a toy rocket. That's as close to whimsical as the movie gets, since it's really unclear whether his parents actually left or were murdered by the little demons running around in his house and backyard. I will say I was impressed that Glen's friend Terry (Louis Trip) was listening to Slayer and Iron Maiden at... let's be generous and say 11 (despite the fact that Trip was 14 when the film was made, it's clear that Glen and Terry are supposed to be preteens at best, and I'm leaning closer to 10 or 11 for Glen).
How do I know Terry was listening to Slayer? Well, other than the subplot about listening to Satanic metal albums, Terry is wearing not one but two different Slayer t-shirts during the film. It's really no wonder this generation turned out as warped as we did, considering that the "children's" entertainment we think fondly of is as demented and traumatizing as The Gate.
Up next: I'm going to put on Return of the Living Dead for the folks here and then go buy something no human should ever consume... the dreaded McGangbang.
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