Blogorium Review: Satan's Little Helper

Today's review is not going to be terribly long, in part because Satan's Little Helper is a terribly boring movie. It really isn't sure what kind of movie it should be: a scary, violent, sex-infused, Satan-apropos film, a critique of Christianity (which it does so ham-handedly that I doubt it to be accidental), or a family-friendly horror film - a sort-of Gooby, but with the Devil instead of an oversized pederast Teddy Bear.

Very Scary!

Satan's Little Helper was a DVD cover I'd seen many times in Used and Mark Down bins, but something I never considered watching until Professor Murder insisted we queue up on Netflix's "Watch It Now" - a service I have to thank for so many bad ideas (*ahem* Monsturd). He loved it, but let's remember that the Professor takes great pride in enjoying movies even the Cap'n thinks twice about.

As it is, I doubt many of you will go hunting down Satan's Little Helper (even on your Instant Queue), I've decided to include photos in this review, just to give you an idea how schizophrenic of a film it is. That, and some things just need to be seen to be believed.

Jenna Whooly (Katheryn Winnick) is a student returning to Bell Island to spend Halloween with her mother Merrill (Amanda Plummer) and little brother Dougie (Alexander Brickel). She brings along a fellow student, Alex Martin (Stephen Graham), who has family in the area, and may be a potential love interest. But to be honest, the movie is about Dougie, who loves his video game "Satan's Little Helper." Dressed as the devil, Dougie wants nothing more than to be an actual minion of Satan, which works out nicely when the dark lord happens to be tooling around Bell Island, killing people (off camera) and posing them as Halloween displays. Dougie brings Satan home, and uh... well, chicanery ensues, followed by some eventual peril, and then some other things happen. Will Dougie learn the error of his ways? Will Alex and Jenna hook up? Is Merrill drunk or is that just how Amanda Plummer acts these days? What does Satan look like under that mask? Where can I get a copy of that video game?



Wait... where was I? Oh, right: the mask. The one thing Satan's Little Helper has going for it is the refusal to actually show Satan. He's always wearing a costume that covers his face (and often, hands) which put me somewhat at ease after first seeing the cheap rubber mask we're introduced to him in. To put it in perspective, here's Dougie's costume:


And here's Satan when we meet him:


That's what Satan looks like for most of the movie, and until Jenna tries to take off Satan's mask - assuming he's Alex wearing a costume - it's not really clear what we're supposed to make of this stiff-armed, totally silent goofball. And when I say goofball, I mean that yes, he kills people (again, none that we see for the first half of the film), but mostly he does things like steal prescription drugs, flip off people with those over-sized blue gloves, examine wine bottles:

1666: a very good year...

And in what may, arguably, be the most memorable scene in the film, sniffs Merrill's panties:

Classy, Satan.

I mentioned Gooby earlier because there's a very similar scene in Satan's Little Helper where the boy and his mythical friend go shopping in a grocery store:



Followed by the strangest reference to Death Race 2000 you're ever likely to see, involving Satan running people down in a shopping cart while Dougie announces the amount of points each pedestrian is worth. (Picture not available because I couldn't find one that did it justice)

Later, when Dougie realizes that Satan is, well, evil, he prays to God to save him (here's where the awkward and ham-handed religious part comes in) and who shows up at his door?

Save me, Jeebus!

But it's not really who you think it is, which prompts the strangest line in the film: "Jesus is Satan!" There's a really funky critique of Christianity going on in this film, where Jesus is immediately equated to God, but Satan is masquerading as Jesus, so what are we saying here? Oh well, it doesn't matter, because Satan starts using his costumes to trick our imbecilic protagonists into killing each other while he trades out costumes.

The family is so stupid that it completely undermines what could be a bleak ending. When NO OTHER characters are around and you've established that the "Satan" you stabbed repeatedly in the Jesus costume is Alex, why would you trust a police office WEARING A MASK that rings your doorbell. Why would you invite him inside? Especially when he does this:


Again, I'm at a loss here. Satan's Little Helper is just a mess of a movie. There's a party scene where, for some reason, everyone is listening to Bob Dylan. Merrill encourages her daughter to dress up like a slutty Renaissance Fair attendee, the previously nonexistent father to Jenna and Dougie shows up only to be disemboweled, and a character is introduced for the express purpose to sneaking in some gratudity halfway into the film. Nothing works, and the only thing I can say for Satan's Little Helper is that I didn't pay any more than the monthly Netflix fee to watch it.