From the Vaults: Blogorium Review - Splatter University

What...is...Splatter University???

Ladies and gentlemen, there are bad movies. There are terrible movies. Then there are the truly transcendent pieces of shit. Now, we're not talking about crap like Godsend. I wouldn't wipe my ass with that movie.

No, instead we're talking about Splatter University, a film so stunningly bad that simple taste for crappy movies won't tide you over. This isn't Chopping Mall we're talking about, more like The In Crowd. Once a movie makes a surprise impact, then the wave of rip offs come riding in, and Splatter University came during the dog days of slasher rip offs in the wake of Friday the 13th and Halloween.

Except that the people who made Splatter University forgot to watch those movies. Rather, in between bonghits, one of their friends clearly was gushing about one of the many slasher flicks on the market in the 1980's, and another idiot in the room said... "Shit, *COUGH COUGH* we could do that!"

And so they did. Something this bad would've never made it to my living room but for one name on the credits: Lloyd Kaufman

I know what you're thinking... "Oh, it's TROMA bad!" But you're wrong.

The sheer ineptitude in Splatter University will have you in stitches for the first half an hour or so. We begin at a mental institution, where a patient, ahem, escapes after showing one of the doctors the benefits of being a eunuch.

The rest of the movie is spent at a Catholic university somewhere in the northeast, where students don't seem all that concerned that they're being killed off one by one (along with their teachers) by an unidentified homicidal maniac. In fact, no one seems to care but the new sociology teacher, who happens to be replacing the first victim of the killer's spree.

What's amazing is how cheaply and sloppy the early parts of the film are. We're not really introduced to anyone; instead we watch a bunch of students drink beer and dance to the SAME SONG OVER AND OVER. Scene composition consists exclusively of two shots, most of which cut back and forth depending on which person has a line. In fact, there are cutaways to people who have nothing more to say than "cool". Seriously.

For a slasher film, there's surprisingly little suspense or gore. The kills all involved people being stabbed or slit with a knife (including a death by FOREHEAD CUT! not a scalping, just a cut!!!) The bodies are covered in blood, and voila! Instant corpse. Not to mention that the dead students are frequently punchlines to awful jokes. There are some awkward attempts at social satire, and they try to throw in the red herring of "who's the killer", but the suspected killer is set up so poorly that you never wonder who's doing the killing.

Sounds bad, right? It is, but wow is this movie a hoot. Marvel at the shoddy production values, or how most of the film takes place in one hallway, or the clearly empty classroom from one shot magically turning into a full room somewhere else. Maybe the student that skips class because he hates the new teacher THAT STARTED THE SAME DAY! Or the catholic priest who bones everybody that walks into his office. Did I mention the soundtrack of ONE SONG? The strangely inappropriate landlady? Or, my personal favorite, the student who looks like Rob from Serka*.

At 78 minutes, Splatter University isn't really on long enough to test your patience, and if you get tired of laughing, try to figure out the following question: When was the last time you found a fingernail in YOUR pie?

Thoughts from 2010: Looking back at Splatter University, it follows in a trend of "cashing in" slasher flicks, not unlike House on Sorority Row, My Bloody Valentine, The Burning, or the asinine proto-Scary Movie-parody, Student Bodies. Truthfully, it's ineptness is due to the "home made" quality of the film, which is a step above other New York and New Jersey-based horror like Weasels Rip My Flesh and A Taste for Flesh and Blood. That being said, it's not very well thought out and is more of a "watch it yourself" movie unless you can find exactly the right combination of like-minded horror fans that are willing to overlook Splatter University's many deficiencies and embrace the unintentional laughs. It's worth mentioning that I own a copy of the film now.

* Admittedly, that's a very obscure reference now, but I thought it'd be fun to leave it in...