When Weasels Rip My Flesh is in focus, you can tell that the creature(s) don't look like weasels. Fortunately, there aren't many point involving the monster where the weasel (or we-man) are visible, and there's a lot of movie that might make sense a) if you wrote it, b) if you could scale back the music, or c) if it seemed like there was a plot in the first place. The super-cheapo horror film reminds me of a less polished A Taste for Flesh and Blood, which should set off alarms for readers who are familiar with Warren F. Disbrow's New Jersey-based alien invasion films. On the other hand, there's a lot of fun to be had trying to figure out what's going on, and the final "twist" is dumb enough to elicit some chuckles.The "story" (which can only be gleaned from reading the back of the DVD cover) involves a rocket trip to Venus (demonstrated by a shot of something that looks like a 4th grade science fair "rocket" next to burning rocks) that goes awry and crashes outside of Long Island. When two youths run afoul of a weasel, they decide to get even by pouring a canister marked "Toxic" into the weasel hole, creating a giant potato monster with teeth. I think. Again, in order to mask the nonexistent budget, director Nathan Schiff keeps the camera VERY close to the monster, and unfortunately almost all of the shots are out of focus.
Our giant weasel then wanders into town, is hit by a car and scampers off. For whatever reason, the driver takes its severed arm home, invites a buddy over, and is invariably attached by the meaty, gooey appendage. By the way, I should point out that for the many things that Weasels Rip My Flesh doesn't quite get right, being decidedly gross is not one of them. The movie is loaded with goopy, gloppy gore, ripped flesh (I know that you were wondering), body parts torn asunder, gunshots, and rabid, radioactive creatures. The weasel attacks also turn humans rabid... well, sometimes. When the story seems to be stalling anyway.
Finally, around the halfway point in a 68 minute movie, we meet our hero. If he has a name, I missed it (the library music catalog soundtrack wipes out most dialogue) but you know he's a badass because he wears Aviator sunglasses and always smokes a cigar. He and his partner are investigating the crash (I think) when they're kidnapped by a man I can only describe as Jason Schwartzman's audition tape for Man on the Moon. He's a scientist (we only are certain of this because his living room - which is clearly a living room - is described as "a lab") and is breeding more of these radioactive weasels. This part reminded me more of A Taste for Flesh and Blood 2: All Hell Breaks Loose, in that it also uses common household implements to suggest a breeding facility for the dangerous creature.
At this point, if you're tuning out, I'll say a few words that kept things interesting for us: Human / Weasel hybrid vs Giant Weasel (or, as we saw it, Giant Potato fighting guy with a brown celery stalk for a head) in a battle to the death, plus the villain, who is shot point blank in the lungs, has his head bashed in against a wall, then has an arm ripped off by the giant potato, and still lives. That brings us to the "most outrageous ending you'll ever see" (described accordingly on the back of the DVD cover), which involves another deadly menace. I'd tell you what it was, but the movie's only 68 minutes long, so it's not asking too much of you to find out for yourself. I mean, how hard can Weasels Rip My Flesh be to find?
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