"J" is for Journey Back to Oz

Editor's Note: If you somehow came across this review looking for something to show your children, I strongly advise you go elsewhere. This review is not safe for work, for home with families, or for most other purposes. Kind of like the terrible movie it's about.

 I would expect that many of you were thinking that this was the Cap'n misremembering the title Return to Oz, and that you might get a review of that nightmarish sequel. And trust me, I wish it had been to, but instead I'm stuck talking about this piece of shit.

 Unbearable isn't a term I throw around a lot when I talk about terrible movies. I just won't finish them if they're that bad, and it's not a long list of movies I haven't completed. Boy, I really struggled to get through 85 turgid minutes of this stinker, this colossal waste of space. If you're looking for a movie that gives the moniker The ABCs of Movie Masochism its due, Journey Back to Oz is it.

 There's nothing about this cheap tie-in to The Wizard of Oz worth recommending: the animation is cheap, the songs are god awful, the story is inane. Halfway through I was yelling at my TV, begging the characters to just shut up and get it over with, but no, there were more instantly forgettable tunes and cheap stunt casting designed purely to make me want to gouge my eyes out.

 Honestly, I'm amazed that this played in theatres, because the cast is a "who's who" of TV Variety show regulars: Paul Lynde plays Pumpkinhead, Danny Thomas plays The Tin Man, Milton Berle is the Cowardly Lion, Paul Ford is Uncle Henry, Herschel Bernaridi is Woodenhead Stallion III, Jack E. Leonard the Signpost, Mickey Rooney is the Scarecrow and lest I forget, Ethel Merman as Mombi, the new evil witch that's angry Dorothy killed her "cousin" from the West.

 After Dorothy and Toto are swept back to Oz in a cyclone, they go to meet the Scarecrow - now King of Oz - only to discover that Mombi is planning on attacking The Emerald City with her magical green elephants, which she then does, immediately after they arrive. Mombi takes Toto and the Scarecrow hostage and Dorothy tries to recruit help from the Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion, but instead they're to chickenshit and sing stupid songs and have dream sequences about being assaulted by magical green elephants. Dorothy eventually kind of gets help from Glinda the Good Witch (Rise Stevens), but more or less because she's give a box full of magic mice.

 I cannot stress how boring this movie is, how insipid and taxing on the patience of audiences, and how insulting it is to be a fan of The Wizard of Oz and know that THIS was how Filmation chose to honor the film's 35th Anniversary. It looks like a cheap, made for TV movie, and when it did play on TV they had the good decency to film live action segments with Bill Cosby as the Wizard.

 There are two bits of inspired casting in Journey Back to Oz: the first is Margaret Hamilton (The Wicked Witch of the West) providing a cameo as Aunt Em at the beginning. It's a nice touch and is a better way to honor her involvement than when she played the Wicked Witch again two years later in The Paul Lynde Halloween Special. The second, and arguably best, casting decision made was to bring in Liza Minelli to play Dorothy. When she's speaking, she does a spot-on impersonation of her mother in The Wizard of Oz. Their singing voices are different, so that's a dead give-away, but then again if you subject yourself to Journey Back to Oz, the fast forward button is going to be your new friend when someone starts singing.

 Out of courtesy, I'll also mention Mel Blanc, the voice of Mombi's crow, because he didn't make it into the main credits with the likes of Paul E. Leonard and Herschel Bernardi. It's not hard to pick out the voice of Bugs Bunny in a movie with otherwise unremarkable voice talent (seriously, how hard did they have to work to make Paul Lynde barely sound like Paul Lynde?).

 Under no circumstances would I ever recommend this to anyone, even if you wanted to punish your children for doing something terrible, horrible, no good, or very bad. This is too cruel even for them. It made me want to curse in a review, which over the years I've made a conscious effort to scale back. But for Pete's sake does this movie suck! Ah well, to paraphrase Radiohead: I do it to myself, and that's what really hurts...

Horror Fest Retro Review: The Trifecta of Doom!

 We continue our Retro Reviews of classic Horror Fest and Summer fest reviews with a few guest bloggers drunkenly reacting to what may be the most evil thing the Cap'n has ever done to an audience. It's true that I tricked people who thought they were just going to watch The Paul Lynde Halloween Special and then something good, only to stumble head-on into The Happening (the original Trappening), followed by a blind-siding of Freddy's Dead in 3-D. Yeah, I did that, and this is the genuine reaction from two people who endured the whole thing...

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Ladies and gentlemen of the blogorium, I submit to you that the Cap'n provided a one, two, three punch of awesomeness that you had to be here to fully appreciate.

We started with the Paul Lynde Halloween Special of nineteen hundred and seventy six, which finds a way of making you wish what you're seeing will end only to make it that much worse in the next scene. See, for no apparent reason, Lynde a) forgets what holiday it is, b) sings "Kids" from the Bye Bye Birdie soundtrack (with Donnie and Marie Osmond), c) is friends with Witchie Poo and The Wicked Witch of the West.

The witches give him three wishes, so Lynde becomes Big Red the Rhinestone Trucker, some sultan, and then takes the witches to a Hollywood disco, all with the help of Tim Conway, Florence Henderson, Betty White, and Kiss. For some reason Paul Lynde plays the ladies man for 2/3 rds of these wishes, which is even funnier since he's clearly not feeling it. There are also some very inappropriate jokes which I shan't repeat. And Peter Criss sings "Beth", which you think is as bad as it's gonna get, but then Florence Henderson sings, and it goes downhill from there.

---

That was the warm up act for the return of M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening, which folks got to see a) for the first time or b) against their will.

For the Cap'n, the third time was in fact the charm, but I'll hand the blogging dutires over to one of our H-Fest goers, who has something he needs to say on the subject of nuts:

Who is the most captivating character in "Freddy's Dead: the Final Nightmare"?
Who Dropped the most F-Bombs at Horror Fest 3?
Who was the first to pass out from substance abuse?
Who was the first person to leave during the happening?
Hey, did ummm whathisname dun get atcho yesterday?
Who is the most influential figure in 20th century Kino?
...
...
...
SPOILER ALERT!
SPOILER ALERT!
...
...
...
...
Deeeeeeeeezzzzzz Nuuuuutz!


This is the Tominator here, taking over for Doctor -- Nay, Professor Murder. Seems he had a case of prostate examination on the brain. In any case, I am having a hard time digesting The Happening as being anything but a wretched, 90-minute low-brow attempt at thriller detournement. No, I can't even really justify the palpability of this movie as being a means through which it destroys or satirizes the entire oeuvre of horror-thriller. Thinking that Shitalawn had any ideas in his head relating to or borne out of knowledge of poststructural theory is absurd. This movie was simply, unabashedly, unabatedly awful. Patently disgusting. Quite possibly the worst thing I've ever seen. From the gratuitous "social commentary" that conflates worldwide human-wrought disaster with the few problems with nuclear power to the atrocious acting, despite Marky Mark's naive earnestness, The Happening can only have one thing said about it, one thing that sums up what this movie is about and what it tries to communicate:









DEEEEEEEZZZZ NUUUUUUU-UUUUUUUTTTTTZZZZZZ!!!!



Fuckin a right.

Josh takes over now. DEEZ NUTS.


For some reason (let's just say it involved a LOT of beer), that was the funniest thing ever to two of our Horror Fest attendees during Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare, which if you hadn't guessed was the third part of our trifecta.

We watched it 3-D, which was AMAZING, it turns out. Right now, Horror of the Blood Monsters is playing, in 2-D unfortunately. Otherwise known as Vampire Men of the Lost Planet, it's the only movie I never actually finished. The challenge to them is to see how far they can get before it turns off. When they finally give up, I'll let them watch a real movie.

I apologize about all the nuts. They're still laughing like hyenas.

I think I teased the lineup for The Greensboro Summer Fest Massacre Part 2 last night and then forgot to follow up on it. There are two reasons stemming from last night's piece as to why:

1. I like to keep things in flux until I really lock down some movies.

2. Partially, I'm really hoping somebody knocks my socks off with a VHS surprise.

Since I haven't actually finalized anything that would last the whole weekend, I thought I'd share some ideas I've been tossing around with others. I'll address the pros and cons of the films below.

Chopping Mall - partying teens break into a mall overnight and run afoul of the Killbots patrolling the premises.

The Werewolf vs. the Vampire Woman - I can't tell you any more than this trailer can.


Dog Soldiers - Neil Marshall's (The Descent) debut film balances a fine line between horror and laughs when a military exercise turns up werewolves.

The Prowler - The slasher movie Tom Savini (Dawn of the Dead, Friday the 13th, Creepshow) is most proud of. It involves a killer with a pitchfork.

Friday the 13th Part 3 (in 3-D) - Featuring a whole host of bad 3-D effects, including laundry pole, joint passing, and spear-gun attack. Also the film where Jason gets his hockey mask.

My Bloody Valentine 3-D - I haven't watched it yet but the word is the film is a hoot for large groups and must be seen in 3-D.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus - Cranpire says it's fest worthy, so it has a spot in the lineup.

Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires - Hammer Horror meets Shaw Brothers Chop Sockey when Dracula heads East and Van Helsing enlists the help of kung fu warriors to stop him.

Dracula A.D. 1972 - exactly what it sounds like. May play as a double feature with Blacula.

Alien Apocalypse - Bruce Campbell vs Giant Termites in the future. This Sci-Fi Channel original is even cheesier than it sounds.

Night of the Comet - Space Zombies vs Valley Girls. Need I say more?

Zombie Lake - Cranpire recommended this. I think it's about dead Nazis but is not Dead Snow.

Uncle Sam - Evil Uncle Sam. Nuff said.

The first and major problem that I have is that a lot of these movies aren't horror comedies, which is what Summer Fest is all about. I don't mind scaring the good attendees too, but the July marathon is all about bringing in folks who might not normally sit in for two nights of horror movies. I like to open things up a bit and soften scaredy cats so they might come back for the really creepy stuff in October.

The other problem is that three movies I really want to show - Night of the Creeps, Terrorvision, and House of Long Shadows - aren't readily available. I'm also tempted to bring out old favorites like Slither and Night of the Lepus for repeat performances but want to leave open the possibility of discoveries. After all, that's how we found Teeth and Blood Car during fests past. Or Cranpire could bring something like Dead Heat and surprise us all again!

The final problem is how to figure in certain tv programs that became staples of Summer and Horror Fest: The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror, Invader Zim, a certain Paul Lynde Halloween Special, and newbie Tales from the Darkside. And, of course, Dr. Re-Animator!

Also, dare I add Redneck Zombies? Can our stomachs handle it???

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Voting ends tomorrow at 3 something or other pm, and what I'm seeing so far is a four way tie. I'm back working nights now, folks, so somebody break that tie! I'd love to watch four movies between tonight and Sunday, but it's not going to happen.

Horror Fest III Day 2: The Most Incredible Triple Feature Ever!

Ladies and gentlemen of the blogorium, I submit to you that the Cap'n provided a one, two, three punch of awesomeness that you had to be here to fully appreciate.

We started with the Paul Lynde Halloween Special of nineteen hundred and seventy six, which finds a way of making you wish what you're seeing will end only to make it that much worse in the next scene. See, for no apparent reason, Lynde a) forgets what holiday it is, b) sings "Kids" from the Bye Bye Birdie soundtrack (with Donnie and Marie Osmond), c) is friends with Witchie Poo and The Wicked Witch of the West.

The witches give him three wishes, so Lynde becomes Big Red the Rhinestone Trucker, some sultan, and then takes the witches to a Hollywood disco, all with the help of Tim Conway, Florence Henderson, Betty White, and Kiss. For some reason Paul Lynde plays the ladies man for 2/3 rds of these wishes, which is even funnier since he's clearly not feeling it. There are also some very inappropriate jokes which I shan't repeat. And Peter Criss sings "Beth", which you think is as bad as it's gonna get, but then Florence Henderson sings, and it goes downhill from there.

---

That was the warm up act for the return of M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening, which folks got to see a) for the first time or b) against their will.

For the Cap'n, the third time was in fact the charm, but I'll hand the blogging dutires over to one of our H-Fest goers, who has something he needs to say on the subject of nuts:

Who is the most captivating character in "Freddy's Dead: the Final Nightmare"?
Who Dropped the most F-Bombs at Horror Fest 3?
Who was the first to pass out from substance abuse?
Who was the first person to leave during the happening?
Hey, did ummm whathisname dun get atcho yesterday?
Who is the most influential figure in 20th century Kino?
...
...
...
SPOILER ALERT!
SPOILER ALERT!
...
...
...
...
Deeeeeeeeezzzzzz Nuuuuutz!


This is the Tominator here, taking over for Doctor -- Nay, Professor Murder. Seems he had a case of prostate examination on the brain. In any case, I am having a hard time digesting The Happening as being anything but a wretched, 90-minute low-brow attempt at thriller detournement. No, I can't even really justify the palpability of this movie as being a means through which it destroys or satirizes the entire oeuvre of horror-thriller. Thinking that Shitalawn had any ideas in his head relating to or borne out of knowledge of poststructural theory is absurd. This movie was simply, unabashedly, unabatedly awful. Patently disgusting. Quite possibly the worst thing I've ever seen. From the gratuitous "social commentary" that conflates worldwide human-wrought disaster with the few problems with nuclear power to the atrocious acting, despite Marky Mark's naive earnestness, The Happening can only have one thing said about it, one thing that sums up what this movie is about and what it tries to communicate:









DEEEEEEEZZZZ NUUUUUUU-UUUUUUUTTTTTZZZZZZ!!!!



Fuckin a right.

Josh takes over now. DEEZ NUTS.


For some reason (let's just say it involved a LOT of beer), that was the funniest thing ever to two of our Horror Fest attendees during Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare, which if you hadn't guessed was the third part of our trifecta.

We watched it 3-D, which was AMAZING, it turns out. Right now, Horror of the Blood Monsters is playing, in 2-D unfortunately. Otherwise known as Vampire Men of the Lost Planet, it's the only movie I never actually finished. The challenge to them is to see how far they can get before it turns off. When they finally give up, I'll let them watch a real movie.

I apologize about all the nuts. They're still laughing like hyenas.