"Where have you been, Cap'n?"

 Ah, yes. Apologies for the lack of reviews. It's not for lack of having seen anything, but mostly because Cap'n Howdy has been busy putting the final touches on Summer Fest 7. Around this time of year my schedule goes haywire, because the logistics of a fest, even eight years in, is time consuming. And this isn't even a large scale one: just our normal get-together weekend of B-Movies. That said, bringing back the "Field Trip" movie has turned out to be slightly more complicated than usual, in part because the film we're going to see performed so poorly last week that most theatres aren't interested in showing it this week. But it's worth it, my Fest-ers and vicarious Fest-readers.

 This year's Fest is broken up into three, loosely theme-based days:

 Friday: Unnecessary Sequels

 Saturday: A Taste for Flesh and Blood

 Sunday: Super Hero Origin Stories

 I believe that I've put together a good balance of schlock to entertain the Fest faithful. This year will include past favorites from the earliest Summer Fests, in large part because the audience has changed enough that some of them never made it to the first three years. There are also some other, heretofore, unseen films joining the lineup that I'm excited to show them. And, of course, there's the Trappening.

 This year's Trappening is something that I watched many times years and years ago, but has inexplicably never played at a Fest. Why? I'm not sure, because it absolutely fits in. Like the people coming to see it in person, it's going to remain a mystery until the moment it plays. Could it be Night of the Lepus? Death Bed: The Bed That Eats? Big Money Rustlas? Titanic: The Legend Goes On..? Only I know for sure...

 Here's the schedule as planned - feel free to watch along at home if you like:

Friday
  
Terminator Genisys (Summer Fest Field Trip Movie)
 Kung Fury
 Revenge of the Ninja
 Traxx
 Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

 Saturday

 Without Warning
 Tremors
 Deadly Eyes
 Blood Car
 Zombeavers
 TRAPPENING
 A Vampire on Bikini Beach (USA Up All Night Experience)

 Sunday

 She Devil
 Teeth
 Super
 Lucy







Recap to come in the following week. In the meantime, the madness begins soon...

Bad Movie Night Recap

 The time has once again come for Bad Movie Night: my shameless celebration of the movies that just aren't quite good enough, but also aren't so terrible they become unwatchable. It's a fine line, and sometimes it's just the right goofy element that pushes it over. Sometimes it's just who you watch it with, and the Cap'n has a fairly loyal crew of masochists willing to descend on Blogorium Headquarters every year. Even though I subjected them to Things last year, they came back. What that says about their cinematic fortitude is up to you, but I'm proud to call them my friends. This year, I opted to give them a less agonizing experience, but not without some serious brain bending. Let's take a look at what you (hopefully) missed out on:

 We started with Devil Girl from Mars, based on the hit London stage play (or, that's what I'd like to believe), and it shows. Despite the fact that a Martian spaceship lands outside of a remote Scottish Inn, most of the motley crew of patrons are concerned with their own stupid problems, leaving time for Naya, the titular character, to enter and exit through the same door, repeatedly. At least it's nice to know that Martians also call their planet Mars. They - well, she - arrived on Earth with her new prototype spaceship, which has organic metal and runs on an engine that creates nuclear reactions that explode inward, creating perpetual motion. Their science is vastly superior to ours, but in the great war of the sexes, all men were wiped out and they need some breeding stock, if you catch my drift. Perhaps if she'd landed in America, rather than Scotland, this would have been an easier task, because the citizens of the United Kingdom are more interested in cockamamie plans to shoot or electrocute her, to no avail.

 Brave newspaper columnist Mike Conner (or Carter, depending on who's saying his name) has the scoop of a lifetime, but would rather his on a fashion model hiding out in the inn. Thankfully his indeterminate accent doesn't bother her, and she even falls in love with him in the two hours between when they meet and when he agrees to join the Devil Girl on her ship. That, of course, is a ruse for him to try to steal the remote control for Johnny, a robot who "looks very similar to you Earth people," in that he looks nothing like humans but instead a guy in a robot costume. Naya has a ray gun that's effective on everything but glasses, constructs an invisible wall that the only scientist in the group somehow runs into headlong, and loves to open the same doors over and over and make sweeping pronouncements about how stupid we humans are. There are other characters, because we clearly care about an escaped adulterer who murdered his wife or some dumb kid, but the innkeeper's husband's name is Jamie Jameson, which is amusing. Also, they sit down to eat dinner at 10 o'clock at night. If only Mike and the Professor had taken the turn to "Loch Something" (actual line), they might have missed this unfortunately duller than it sounds movie.

 Speaking of dull, I hadn't seen Disney's knock-off of Star Wars, The Black Hole, in close to 25 years, so I didn't remember what a bore it was. Fortunately, I also didn't remember a lot of other things about it, like the fact that a 90 minute film had an overture and that all of the music - by James Bond composer John Barry - sounded just like any other Bond music. I did remember the robot with the Texas accent, and that Event Horizon lifted quite a bit from this terrible, terrible movie. When it's not ripping off Star Wars, it's borrowing liberally from the released-the-same year Star Trek: The Motion Picture, and Forbidden Planet, and Battlestar Galactica, and pretty much any other vaguely popular science fiction film they could think of. To be perfectly honest with you, we lost interest about fifteen minutes in, started talking about the new music on Star Wars and about The Hobbit, and eventually made some jokes about Ernest Borgnine's libido and the movie Alligator, while pausing to note just how badly one could steal from George Lucas. I might have even said something kind about The Phantom Menace, which might be a first for the Cap'n.

 High School Confidential! eased us out of the "boring" zone of bad movies - hey, I try, but sometimes things just don't land with the crowd - by being entirely too interested in being "hip" and "with it". That works wonders in its favor, because the ridiculous overuse of slang, coupled with what seems to be not even veiled suggestions about incest between Tony (Russ Tamblyn) and his aunt Gwen (Mamie Van Doren). In Tony's defense, it's mostly one way, and given there's a twist, I guess it's possible that they maybe aren't related, but why would he refer to her as his aunt behind closed doors? There are a number of questionable "bait and switch"-es in High School Confidential!, a movie about Tony moving in to town and taking over the high school drug trade in the course of two or three days. He's tough talking and backs it up, and pops his collar, even when it's on a sweater. Why? Because he's hip, daddy-o.

 There are so many ways to address how hard the writers are trying to sound "cool" and failing miserably: the hip version of Columbus that J. I. Coleridge (John Drew Barrymore) "lays" on his class, or the awful (even for Beat Poetry) performance at a "Jazz Club" the kids all go to. Or the notion that marijuana is a gateway drug to heroin, and nothing else. Tony, a "7th year" high school student, immediately starts hitting on his teacher and also moves in on Coleridge's girl, who turns out to be a junkie. The drug kingpins in town are played by Charles Chaplin, Jr. and Jackie Coogan. Yes, Uncle Fester forces Tony to shoot up to prove he's not a narc. But wait, he is! (SPOILER) Tony is really Mike, who works with the cops, and there's a big shootout at the jazz club when a deal goes bad. Fortunately, the leader of The Rangers - played by Michael Landon - is there to help out, even though they're the rival gang to Tony's Wheelers and Dealers. Also, Jerry Lee Lewis begins and ends the film playing the title song, in what appears to be the same shot.

 High School Confidential! picked up the pace a bit, and after a musical interlude, it was time to dive right into Raw Force. It's an almost perfect storm of kung-fu zombie cannibalism interspersed with gratuitous nudity and hokey special effects. And yet, some people were grumbling, perhaps because I oversold the "cannibal monks who raise kung-fu zombies" part of the movie. Yes, most of Raw Force's 86 minutes is devoted to a Kung-Fu cruise to "Warrior Island," where disgraced martial artists are buried. It's also where Hitler sells prostitutes in exchange for jade. Is his name Hitler in the movie? I honestly don't remember, but if he looks like Hitler and talks like Hitler, we're going to go with "that guy is Hitler". The cannibal monks eat the girls because it gives them power to raise the dead, which they use (eventually) for the final showdown.

 In the meantime, there's a lot of showing off of kung-fu skills, coupled with late 70s / early 80s clothes, music, and nudity aboard the cruise ship. Almost everyone on the boat - from the cook to the bartender - seem to know how to fight, and are therefore well equipped to handle Hitler's lackeys. You see, despite the fact that Warrior Island is the home of an illicit human trafficking ring, it's also the subject of its own tourism guide. Because, why wouldn't it? When the cruise ship catches on fire (or, rather, has fire overlaid over the image), some of the passengers escape, and the rest are presumably killed. We never hear from them again, so let's just assume they died. What's important is that the life raft lands on Warrior Island and the monks raise the dead. There's lots of chop sockey, some decapitations, some dynamite, and piranhas. How are there piranhas in salt water, in the ocean? My guess is they couldn't find any stock footage of sharks. So Hitler gets munched on by piranhas (SPOILER).

 Rather than launching into the "Luc Besson Presents an Affront to Science" double feature as promised, I gave them the option of getting the Trappening out of the way, which they decided was best. What they didn't know was that this year's mystery feature wasn't just a Bad Movie - it was a Great Bad Movie. By no stretch of the imagination could one call Commando a "good" movie, but I'll be damned if it isn't one of the most fun films to throw conventional cinema out the window. Continuity errors? Check. Bad one liners? Yessir. Gratuitous nudity? Well, it has absolutely nothing to do with the fight scene, so yep. The mall from Chopping Mall? Sure is! Arnold Schwarzenegger killing an entire army, single-handedly? You know it.

 To get Alyssa Milano back, Arnold will plow his way through David Patrick Kelly (John Wick), Bill Duke (Predator), Dan Hedaya (Alien Resurrection), and finally The Road Warrior's Vernon Wells (Weird Science) for the mother of all bad puns. Oh, and his name is John Matrix, because Rambo is a pansy. I firmly believe that Commando is what everybody thinks all action movies from the 80s are like (that, and First Blood Part II), and why they hold the admittedly average Expendables series to an impossible standard. Matrix is introduced hauling a log down to a cabin (on his shoulder), and then eats ice cream and feeds a deer with his daughter. Because he's tough, but sensitive. Until you steal his daughter, and then he just kills you. Rae Dawn Chong's Cindy isn't even developed enough to have Stockholm Syndrome when she assumes the role of "new mom" at the end, having been kidnapped by Matrix less than twelve hours before. Commando is all killer and no filler, but I asked attendees to give it the same scrutiny as any of our other howlers, which is exactly the point at which you realize the many logic gaps and inherent flaws that make it technically "Bad." Now that everybody was in a great frame of mind, it was time to throw common sense out the door and let Luc Besson insult our basic intelligence...

 I've been hosting official fests for nearly a decade now, and in all that time I have never heard the phrase "wait... what?" as many times as I did during Luc Besson's Lucy. Perhaps the mini-review in the "Worst Of" recap didn't quite convey just how painfully cavalier Lucy is with the concept of "science," but the reactions were hilarious. During the film, at least one large bottle of Kraken was consumed, and descriptions of what they'd seen ranged from "an atrocity" to "amazing." A friend of mine whose dissertation is on Philip K. Dick insists that it's not science fiction at all, but rather a brilliant example of "slipstream," a newer iteration of magical realism. The entire room erupted with laughter when Lucy (Scarlett Johansson) explained that she could "feel her brain" in what's supposed to be heartfelt scene over the phone with her mother. The comical, video-game-esque use of brain percentage "unlocked" was also a source of enjoyment, but nothing stood out quite as much as figuring out how long it took for Johansson to "say this horseshit with a straight face." One viewer worried that she could no longer take Morgan Freeman's Through the Wormhole seriously after seeing him in Lucy. I freely admit that Lucy is a bad movie, but it's a very entertaining one, and it was somewhat validating to see the baffled reactions as they tried to take Besson's affront to science seriously.

 That said, I made a critical mistake in putting Lockout after Lucy, because by comparison, the former is just a "run of the mill bad science fiction film". It's true that after you've heard Scarlett Johansson explain what it's like to feel your bones growing, or to become the monolith from 2001, a high speed unicycle chase just doesn't have the same impact. Even my favorite line of awful science, "the gravity should keep you floating" just can't compete with Besson's double-down on Insane Clown Posse-like disdain for science. Lockout is still a bad movie, and it's insistence on identifying everyone and every location on screen (repeatedly, in the case of the latter) is amusing, but it just wasn't the same head-scratcher that it was in 2012. On the other hand, the outcries of mental anguish reconciling what Lucy was saying vs. what they knew to be true was more than worth it.

 By the end of Lockout, just about everybody was ready to go, but a few stragglers felt like they had one more Bad Movie in them. Despite the fact that it meant Cap'n's Choice - I hadn't planned on anything past Lockout - they were willing to suffer through another one. Being that it was late, or comparatively late (we can't do movies until sunrise anymore), I opted to go short and show Cranpire a "Cranpire Movie": Sorority House Massacre II. As I'll be writing about that and the first Sorority House Massacre soon (and possibly Hard to Die), I won't go too into detail about it, but he enjoyed it. There's barely a plot, and most of the first half of the movie is devoted to showing as much gratuitous nudity as possible, followed by another 30 minutes or so of women running around a house in their nighties and going out in the rain for no good reason. Jim Wynorski (Chopping Mall) even takes a pointless side-trip to a strip club to shoehorn in more nudity under the specious logic that one of the characters from a flashback is now dancing topless. Classy stuff.

 For the immediate future, I think I've hit my quota of schlock (although that doesn't rule out watching Furious 7). There's enough time to reload the queue in time for Summer Fest, where I think 80s cheesefests Without Warning and Deadly Eyes are going to be a hit. Thanks to everybody who made it, and to the folks at home who didn't, you now have a roadmap for your own Bad Movie Night. Just have alcohol and a good support system of friends nearby. And whatever you do, don't watch Things.

Summer Fest Recap: Day Two (Part Two)

 So it's late, and everybody's heading out in order to crash. Some of them didn't make it through the last movie of the night, and that's probably for the best. I'll give you as good a recap as I can using the not-at-all patented "breakdown" list format, and then I'm going to pass out. There's still a Summer Fest Sunday to do...

 Deadly Prey

 Year of Production: 1987

 What's the Haps, Cap?: Col. John Hogan (David Campbell) has gone rogue, and is training a hand-picked group of elite soldiers to serve as mercenaries for hire. Hogan doesn't believe in "practice" drills, so he kidnaps people off of the street and brings them to his base (75 miles south of Los Angeles) for a "most dangerous game" scenario. His financier, Michaelson (Troy Donahue) doesn't approve, but Hogan believes only the best will do. When he's unsatisfied with the latest "target," he sends his right hand man, Lt. Thornton (Fritz Matthews) to find someone who might be a real challenge. Little do Hogan and Thornton know they've found more than a formidable target... they brought back the Deadly Prey!

 Who's the Hero: That would be Mike Danton (Ted Prior), who is taking the garbage out when Thornton and some goons pull up in an unmarked van, grab him, and drive away. Danton isn't just some dude taking out the trash, though - he's a one man army. It doesn't take Mike long to make mince meat out of the soldiers hunting him, and when Hogan realizes who they took, things get personal. Danton was Hogan's protégé back in "the war," and the Colonel will do anything necessary to keep our hero from ruining his operation.

 Bad Science: Apparently, you can trigger C4 using nothing but a tripwire. No explosives needed, if I understand the trap than Danton sets up late in the film. Other than that, it's just a series of somewhat questionable physics involving his other traps, including ones he sets and then doesn't use until much, much later in the film.

 Other Bad Ideas: Don't kidnap a guy in front of his house in broad daylight, and especially not Mike Danton. If you're going to have "hillbillies" in your movie, it might help if they sounded like hillbillies, even if it is California. Train your soldiers how to shoot before you send them out hunting, because these guys couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. It's embarrassing. Speaking of embarrassing, Ted Prior may have some of the worst line delivery this side of Samurai Cop's Matt Hannon. His "kill one-liners" consist of "die!" and... uh, "die!" I gather that he's the star because his brother, director David A. Prior (Killer Workout) wanted to showcase his, uh, skills (that or his ability to run around the woods barefoot and in short shorts), but yeah, not the best showcase for him. (A cursory check on IMDB informs me that Ted Prior was also in Killer Workout, Surf Nazis Must Die, and Sledgehammer prior to Deadly Prey).

 Previous Summer Fest Connection: As you may have noticed just above, David A. Prior and Ted Prior were involved in Summer Fest 5's Killer Workout, and so was Fritz Matthews. A different David Campbell appears to be in respective films - maybe Prior had a fondness for the name. Somewhat surprisingly, neither Troy Donahue (Michaelson) nor Cameron Mitchell (Danton's father-in-law) have been in movies shown at previous fests, despite their prolific filmographies dating back to the 1950s. However, reading their IMDB pages, I now have some good ideas for next year...

 Best Nickname for a Character in Deadly Prey: goes to Fritz Weaver, who looks like he was hired because of his resemblance to a certain WWF super star. Accordingly, he got the nickname "Mildly Marty Pepper" early on. The name stuck.

 Recurring Summer Fest Themes: Films Released in the Same Year, Explosions in Close Proximity to Actors, Vehicular Chicanery, Gratudity (just Danton, really).

 Final Prognosis: I can't hate a movie too much when the protagonist cuts a dude's arm off and then beats him to death with it. There are so many improbably stupid things that happen, including Danton walking(?) home and then coming back, setting up traps that would only come in handy in very specific circumstances, or not using a gun until the end of the movie. At one point he seeks cover from gunfire behind a tree he's clearly wider than. Troy Donahue's acting had us convinced he was just a producer that wanted a part in the film. I haven't even mentioned Dantons wife, Jaimy (Suzzane Tara), because if there's anybody who really gets a raw deal in this movie, it's her. Even Sybill (Dawn Abraham), Hogan's other sidekick, has more to do in the movie than Jaimy does. Deadly Prey isn't by any means an action classic, but it's a lot of fun.


 Savage Beach

 Year of Production: 1989

 What's the Haps, Cap?: Well, let's see... our favorite secret agents / tour guides / pilots / couriers / Playboy Bunnies Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) are back after having adventures in Hard Ticket to Hawaii and Picasso Trigger. They're sent to check up on some shenanigans involving the military, a potential coup in the Phillippines, and Japanese gold that went missing during World War II. There's espionage, backstabbing, and a missing soldier who has been living alone for forty years... on SAVAGE BEACH!!!!

 Who's the Hero: Donna and Taryn are presumably our protagonists, but in typical Andy Sidaris (Return to Savage Beach) fashion, the plot is twisted in more ways than a pretzel, so we spend most of the middle of the movie away from them. That turns out to be fine, because despite the size of Hawaii's islands (where the film takes place), it takes Donna and Taryn two days to fly - and crash land - on Savage Beach. That's plenty of time to meet the military personnel who are infiltrated by the CIA and want to help a Leftist rebel (Rodrigo Obregon) take over the government of the Phillippines, but not before he hooks up with porn star Teri Weigel. Twice - once in his hotel room and then again in his limo. Also, there's the rest of Donna and Taryn's team, whose names I've honestly forgotten: let's guess they're Rocky (Lisa London) and Pattycakes (Patty Duffek), and uh, the guy who runs it (either Bruce Christian or Shane Abeline). Names aren't something you really remember while watching Andy Sidaris films, despite his love for overcomplicated tales of espionage. I haven't even mentioned go-to Asian Bad Guy Sidekick Al Leong (Die Hard, Lethal Weapon) who has a semi-major role as another interested party in the missing gold.

 Bad Science: Science doesn't really factor into Andy Sidaris films. If you wanted to pick nits, there's no way a single engine plane could make it for two days straight of flying, especially when the engine catches on fire in a storm. At least, I think that's what happened. I don't exactly remember, but I also think they weren't using the metal detector correctly. A 5 1/2 floppy drive couldn't hold the kind of software that Computer Control Corporation needs to locate the island where the gold is, but maybe the disc just had the coordinates?

 Other Bad Ideas: It would be very, very easy to criticize this movie for its many digressions and unnecessarily complicated story (did I mention there's a flashback in the middle of the movie?), but that's kind of why you watch Andy Sidaris movies. That, and the excessive, comical overuse of gratuitous nudity. Why do Donna and Taryn need to take off their shirts while flying and put on new ones? Because boobs. Why are Pattycakes and Rocky sleeping next to the hot tub? So they can take their tops off and change clothes when the boss calls. Obviously. The only thing that Sidaris likes more than mammaries are explosions, of which there are plenty. He stages an opening sequence where the girls bust a drug smuggling operation (heroin hidden in pineapples) just so the bad guys can drive off in a van that blows up. If you like explosions and boobs, then you saw Andy Sidaris movies on Cinemax when you were in middle school. As an adult, it's almost absurd how flimsy the excuses are to get any actress topless. Almost as absurd as how seriously the plot takes itself for a glorified T&A movie.

 Wait, Didn't You Mention a Japanese Soldier on Savage Beach?: I did. Thanks for remembering. He's wearing terrible "old age" makeup and follows Donna and Taryn around on the island, which is where everybody converges for the big finale. He becomes protective of Taryn, apparently because he recognizes her as the child in a photo he's been carrying since World War II. From the American soldier he dishonorably killed. But kept the photo. His fellow soldiers committed hara kiri and walked into the ocean, respectively. But not him. He kept a photo. A color photo. From World War II. Because, boobs. Obviously.

 Recurring Summer Fest Themes: Gratudity, Explosions in Close Proximity to Actors, Vehicular Chicanery, Tropical Setting, Flashbacks.

 Final Prognosis: The most fun to be had watching an Andy Sidaris film as an adult is to see it with women, who are often baffled that his films even exist. Their commentary on the film was almost as funny as seeing the myriad of lame excuses to disrobe, or comparably dumb excuses to blow things up. I'm not saying Sidaris is a one-trick pony (more like two), but he always finds new and stupid ways to use those tricks when there's no logical reason to. I also wasn't aware that there were more Donna and Taryn adventures, so after Hard Ticket to Hawaii, it seemed necessary to continue their story. I guess we'll have to watch Picasso Trigger at next year's Bad Movie Night, because Return to Savage Beach is less plot and more or less just softcore porn. That's not what we're looking for - it's early Sidaris or bust. Pun intended.


 Godzilla on Monster Island

 Year of Production: 1972

 What's the Haps, Cap?: I already reviewed this movie. Not that long ago. You can read it here, as it's pretty amusing, if I say so myself (and I do.

 Who's the Hero: See above link.

 Bad Science: Space Cockroaches. 'Nuff Said.

 Other Bad Ideas: Again, Space Cockroaches. Need I say more?

 Recurring Summer Fest Themes: Space Cockroaches.

 Final Prognosis: I'm really at a loss as to why Space Cockroaches isn't enough to explain why Godzilla on Monster Island was a "no-brainer" inclusion into Summer Fest.


 Super Secret Trappening - Ninja III: The Domination

 Year of Production: 1984

 What's the Haps, Cap?: Similarly to Godzilla on Monster Island, Ninja III: The Domination has been covered before (it was the showcase feature of last year's Summer Fest), so I will accordingly link it here.

 Who's the Hero: In case you didn't click the link (and you should), I'll just say that Christie (Lucinda Dickie), is both an aerobics instructor AND a Lineman (Linewoman?). And a possessed ninja. Her creepo cop boyfriend / back hair aficionado Billy (Jordan Bennett) also counts, I guess, since Christie is technically also the villain. Plus Sho Kosugi (Himself) is a good ninja, because only a ninja can stop a ninja. Something like that.

 Bad Science: We're talking about a movie where an arcade game called Bouncer that looks exactly like Diner Dash uses lasers to hypnotize Christie so a floating sword can come out of her closet. I don't think "science" really factors in here.

 Other Bad Ideas: Worst use of V8 ever. Or is it best? Also, back and shoulder hair dude - keep that shirt on. Seriously, it's disgusting. You're already questionable enough not helping Christie fight off rapists and then arresting her just to get a date out of the deal. Get that shit waxed, or never take your shirt off. Ever.

 Recurring Summer Fest Themes: Southwestern Locations, Ninja, Attempted Exorcism, Using the Dead for Nefarious Purposes, Surprisingly Violent.

 Final Prognosis: People were really worried about this year's Trappening. It's understandable, because of what a "Trappening" is, but also because they know I have Things up my sleeve. Nobody wants to watch Things again. Barrett argued he'd rather watch Things for the first time than see The Happening again, and wouldn't believe the assurances of everyone who had seen Things that he would, in fact, not. One person even put his shoes on when I suggested it might be Things, but this was a "nice" Trappening. I'm not always a sadist. Sometimes that just ends up being the next movie, which brings us to...


 Destroyer

 Year of Production: 1988

 What's the Haps, Cap?: After the execution of Ivan Moser (Lyle Alzado) goes awry, a prison riot breaks out, a fire starts, and the whole institution is shut down. Moser goes missing, and the prison is gutted. 18 months later, an exploitation film crew sets up shop in the facility to film a "women in prison" cheapie, but someone... or some thing, is taking them out, one by one. Can the film's writer and stuntwoman solve the mystery before the killer claims them?

 Who's the Hero: That'd be the aforementioned writer, David Harris (Clayton Rohner) and stuntwoman, Susan Malone (Deborah Foreman), who are on the periphery of the production. In addition to putting up with a frustrated director (Anthony Hopkins) and a temperamental "star" (Lannie Garrett), they have to contend with a recently renovated electric chair - courtesy of FX man "Rewire" (Jim Turner). And, Susan has a mystery admirer, quite possibly the same person mutilating the cast, crew, and former Warden (Pat Mahoney). Will they figure out if Moser is alive? Or how he survived if he is? Will I even care by the time they do?

 Anthony Perkins? Not that Anthony Perkins: Oh yes, that one. It's one of his last roles, and not a great one to go out on. Not only is Perkins phoning it in as the director of the film within a film, he's not sitting in the electric chair when Susan tries to save him. The guy doesn't even look like Perkins. Don't come in thinking he'll save the movie for you - that'd be a Norman Bates and Switch (zing!).

 Bad Science: It's pretty clear nobody involved in Destroyer had the slightest idea how an electric chair works. When Shocker does a better job, you know you're in trouble. Beyond that, the power situation in the prison has some pretty questionable rules, and I'm not even sure where the underground parking garage is supposed to lead. Other than that, I guess we can chalk most of it up to "slasher movie tropes."

 Other Bad Ideas: Let's start with "filming in a prison with a botched execution where the body was never recovered." We can end there, too.

 Recurring Summer Fest Themes: Explosions in Close Proximity to Actors, Gratudity, Movies Made in the Same Year, Fake Out Dream Sequences.

 Final Prognosis: I was really excited to see Destroyer, based on its awesome poster and trailer. It seemed like an even sleazier version of Shocker or The Horror Show, but instead it's just crap. Ivan Moser's "one liners" are mostly limited to "Bitch!" and he can't even pull off the Maniac Cop knock-off scenes late in the film. The "twist" is pretty lame (SPOILER the janitor is his dad and hid him in the basement) and anybody that hadn't left before the movie was over was asleep halfway in. I got so bored that I started cleaning. It's not totally unwatchable like, say, Suburban Sasquatch, but Destroyer comes pretty close. Fortunately, almost everybody split after Ninja III: The Domination, so nobody had to know that Day Two ended with an unwelcome stinker. I had such high hopes, too...


 Ah well, tomorrow is another day. Well, technically, it's just later today. I need to sleep. Like now. See you in a few hours...

Horror Fest Retro Review: The Trifecta of Doom!

 We continue our Retro Reviews of classic Horror Fest and Summer fest reviews with a few guest bloggers drunkenly reacting to what may be the most evil thing the Cap'n has ever done to an audience. It's true that I tricked people who thought they were just going to watch The Paul Lynde Halloween Special and then something good, only to stumble head-on into The Happening (the original Trappening), followed by a blind-siding of Freddy's Dead in 3-D. Yeah, I did that, and this is the genuine reaction from two people who endured the whole thing...

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Ladies and gentlemen of the blogorium, I submit to you that the Cap'n provided a one, two, three punch of awesomeness that you had to be here to fully appreciate.

We started with the Paul Lynde Halloween Special of nineteen hundred and seventy six, which finds a way of making you wish what you're seeing will end only to make it that much worse in the next scene. See, for no apparent reason, Lynde a) forgets what holiday it is, b) sings "Kids" from the Bye Bye Birdie soundtrack (with Donnie and Marie Osmond), c) is friends with Witchie Poo and The Wicked Witch of the West.

The witches give him three wishes, so Lynde becomes Big Red the Rhinestone Trucker, some sultan, and then takes the witches to a Hollywood disco, all with the help of Tim Conway, Florence Henderson, Betty White, and Kiss. For some reason Paul Lynde plays the ladies man for 2/3 rds of these wishes, which is even funnier since he's clearly not feeling it. There are also some very inappropriate jokes which I shan't repeat. And Peter Criss sings "Beth", which you think is as bad as it's gonna get, but then Florence Henderson sings, and it goes downhill from there.

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That was the warm up act for the return of M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening, which folks got to see a) for the first time or b) against their will.

For the Cap'n, the third time was in fact the charm, but I'll hand the blogging dutires over to one of our H-Fest goers, who has something he needs to say on the subject of nuts:

Who is the most captivating character in "Freddy's Dead: the Final Nightmare"?
Who Dropped the most F-Bombs at Horror Fest 3?
Who was the first to pass out from substance abuse?
Who was the first person to leave during the happening?
Hey, did ummm whathisname dun get atcho yesterday?
Who is the most influential figure in 20th century Kino?
...
...
...
SPOILER ALERT!
SPOILER ALERT!
...
...
...
...
Deeeeeeeeezzzzzz Nuuuuutz!


This is the Tominator here, taking over for Doctor -- Nay, Professor Murder. Seems he had a case of prostate examination on the brain. In any case, I am having a hard time digesting The Happening as being anything but a wretched, 90-minute low-brow attempt at thriller detournement. No, I can't even really justify the palpability of this movie as being a means through which it destroys or satirizes the entire oeuvre of horror-thriller. Thinking that Shitalawn had any ideas in his head relating to or borne out of knowledge of poststructural theory is absurd. This movie was simply, unabashedly, unabatedly awful. Patently disgusting. Quite possibly the worst thing I've ever seen. From the gratuitous "social commentary" that conflates worldwide human-wrought disaster with the few problems with nuclear power to the atrocious acting, despite Marky Mark's naive earnestness, The Happening can only have one thing said about it, one thing that sums up what this movie is about and what it tries to communicate:









DEEEEEEEZZZZ NUUUUUUU-UUUUUUUTTTTTZZZZZZ!!!!



Fuckin a right.

Josh takes over now. DEEZ NUTS.


For some reason (let's just say it involved a LOT of beer), that was the funniest thing ever to two of our Horror Fest attendees during Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare, which if you hadn't guessed was the third part of our trifecta.

We watched it 3-D, which was AMAZING, it turns out. Right now, Horror of the Blood Monsters is playing, in 2-D unfortunately. Otherwise known as Vampire Men of the Lost Planet, it's the only movie I never actually finished. The challenge to them is to see how far they can get before it turns off. When they finally give up, I'll let them watch a real movie.

I apologize about all the nuts. They're still laughing like hyenas.

Moving without moving.

A very happy Monday to all of you readers: the Cap'n has been a little behind on timely posts lately due to the fact that I've been moving what's left of my stuff from Blogorium storage unit A to Blogorium storage unit B. As the two storage units are roughly 90 miles apart and I can't afford one moving van to accomplish all of this in one go-round, the moving process has been time consuming to say the least. I saw my boxes of VHS tapes for the first time since July, only to see them covered up again by more boxes (those tapes may be the heaviest boxes I have left), and realized there were books in plastic storage bins that I'd forgotten about.

This is, of course, mostly irrelevant to the discussion of film, which is ostensibly what Cap'n Howdy's Blogorium is all about, and as I haven't had time to watch anything beyond an episode or two of Battlestar Galactica (a TV Talk that will have to wait another season and a half), the Cap'n spent the last thirty minutes trying to think of anything to write about that didn't involve moving. You can see how well that worked out.

I'm so early in the stages of making my own "digital copies" that I don't really want to discuss it yet, other than to say that I can now make non-anamorphic transfers "enhanced for widescreen TVs." I have a backlog of rare, obscure, and typically unavailable in the U.S. films to watch or review (including Orson Welles' Chimes at Midnight, Steven Soderbergh's Kafka and The King of the Hill, Willard, Ben, Matewan, 1984, How I Won the War, and Prospero's Books). There's also the matter of Bad Movie Night, which is in about two weeks, and the question of whether I can get anyone other than Cranpire to go see Scream 4 as our field trip feature.

On the upside, Summer Fest Presents: Cap'n Howdy vs. Giant Sharktopus is almost locked in place, as is Horror Fest VI (which doesn't have a catchy moniker... yet) thanks to an influx of offbeat titles I've located in the last few months but would prefer not to disclose. Rest assured, none of them is a "Trappening"; okay, one of them - maybe two at the most.

I think I'll be done moving tomorrow, but it means getting up early to do it, so there will be a Retro Review and a Video Daily Double on Wednesday. Stick around, this is the calm before the storm, kiddos...

The Cap'n: Debunker of Rumours.

Every few months, I hear one of the two statements about my movie viewing habits:

1. You didn't see that? I thought you saw everything!

2. Well, of course _____ sounds bad. Everything you show at (fill in the blank) Fest is bad.


or some variation thereof. When hit with both in the course of two days, it seemed like I needed to once again step up and dispel some assumptions about what I watch, what I show others, and other erroneous assertions made about the Cap'n.

The first assumption is fair, and goes along with the theory proposed last week about what non-cinephiles think that "film geeks" do with their time: watch everything. The truth of the matter is that I have neither the time, the money, nor the inkling to watch every single movie that comes out. I can't even see all of the critically well regarded films, though I do keep track of them, bookmark reviews so I don't forget they exist, and hope that I remember when the DVD or Blu Ray comes out so I can add it to an already lengthy Netflix queue.

As it is, I see as much as I can, where I can and when I can, but I'm just like you "normals": I have other concerns that occupy my time, I have the same mundane day-to-day tasks to deal with. I fit in movies late at night, or in small doses so that I have something to write about (which also takes time). While I'd love to be able to wander from theatre to theatre and soak in everything, then head to the video store (supposing they exist anymore) and rent every old title in stock to accompany the new releases I picked up, I can't do that. Yet. When I can, I'll let you know.

I also read, which may or may not come as a surprise (I don't really know what you assume the Cap'n does with his spare time), not always about film, but in reasonable doses. I find that if I ever want to pursue an education and career writing about film, I should soak up as much information as humanly possible about the aspects of cinema I find interesting, so the texts range from academic theory, compendiums of interviews with directors, writers, actors, and editors about process, work by other critics I admire, the occasional bio or autobiography, and one or two movie guides to use in order to find something I haven't heard of - and that tends to be plenty.

To address the second comment (which the first dovetails nicely into), I openly admit that the "about" blurb on the right side of the page says "trash savant," which implies that the Cap'n is knowledgeable about a certain type of film, one that others might hold their nose while walking past were the metaphor extended to food rather than cinema. I understand that, and it is true that that is a facet of what I watch, show, and discuss. It's also true that the Cap'n has a term coined in his honor: the "Trappening," a deliberate misleading of friends to come over and watch a movie only to show them something horrible (named for my devilish enjoyment of M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening and the dirty trick I played on everyone during Horror Fest III).

Somehow these facts, coupled with Bad Movie Night - an appropriation of what my brother and his friends do for each of their birthdays - has given people the strange notion that this is ALL the Cap'n is interested in. Yes, I take a certain amount of pride in finding the obscure and rightfully forgotten films for festivals; more often than not, those are the films that unite the audience and energize them between films with slower pacing or that are less easy to react to. The atmosphere created by a "party" movie can lift the group up and continue momentum over the night, as many fest attendees will attest to.

Let's address the main point for a moment, and where assumption one dovetails into assumption two: the idea that I will, or would want to, watch "everything." The second postulate goes further to assert that I will watch anything as long as it is "bad," which is demonstrably untrue. In fact, I turned the point around to the person who made it when he bemoaned how terrible Transformers 2 was. Here is a reasonable facsimile of the discussion:

Me: Now wait a minute... I never saw Transformers because it looked awful. You not only saw Transformers and hated it, but still went back and saw Transformers 2, which you knew you wouldn't like.

He: Yeah.

Me: And I'm the one who watches "bad" movies?

He: Fair point.

In the interest of full disclosure, the conversation then turned to the fact that I had seen Michael Bay's The Island, which I didn't like, in part because it sounded exactly like Parts: The Clonus Horror, a film I only knew existed because of Mystery Science Theater 3000. If you want to negate my point, there's your opportunity. I also mentioned an interest in seeing the 1989 film Red Scorpion, starring Dolph Lundgren, which was met with some derision.

Red Scorpion may well be a terrible movie; in fact, I've seen no kind words written about it, but my reasons for seeing it have nothing to do with the "quality" of the film. My interest in seeing Red Scorpion, like my interest in The Island, has to do with its place among other films. That the existence of Red Scorpion is one of the most surprising things in a film as revelatory as Casino Jack and the United States of Money spoke to me. I had no idea that lobbyist Jack Abramoff dabbled as a Hollywood producer, and this apocryphal piece of film history makes seeing Red Scorpion worth the diversion into "bad" movie territory.

Every now and then, I'll get a wild hair and watch something like Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li or s. Darko or, yes, Death Bed: The Bed That Eats, and despite the fact that the first two reviews appeared with the caveat SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO, people seem to think that I only seek these movies out. Yes, they're easy to describe and the reviews are often memorable because I go out of my way to describe the lunacy and ineptitude on display, but it isn't the only thing I write about.

The fact that I enjoy the loopy, nonsensical narrative of Death Bed and its novel, totally unexpected way of having the bed "eat", or the fact that Hillbillys in a Haunted House delivers nothing the title promises (but is still charming in a stupid, earnest manner), does not mean that I'm only going to program those films at festivals. What I run into by the time you get to 8 official "fests" is the risk of repeating yourself too much and running out of films that are going to surprise people. So I take risks - some pay off, like the deliriously offensive Blood Car and ThanksKilling, and some don't, like the turgid Matango or the lifeless Navy vs. the Night Monsters.

Do I sometimes relish in how much you hate these films? Yes, at times; I never said the Cap'n was sadistic, but many of you keep coming back knowing that there's a 50/50 chance things could not work. They can't all be as woefully pathetic and hysterical as The Giant Claw, after all. I appreciate your willingness to venture into uncharted territory with me, but by this point I had hoped more people would realize that's not all that makes up the Cap'n.

If not, then maybe "Good Movie Night" would be fun, if a bit redundant conceptually. Beats me; I just thought you were already watching those without my involvement. Am I assuming too much?

It's Never too Early to Talk About Summerfest

Some factoids about The ______ Summerfest Massacre 4:

- The Cap'n does not yet have a location to the fourth Summerfest, the home for all horror films obscure and ridiculous. Make the case for your location (preferably within driving distance for the Cap'n) and maybe I'll host it at YOUR place*!

- As it doesn't have a location, Summerfest 4 doesn't have a name yet (it was previously and may again be The Greensboro Summerfest Massacre). I also haven't honed in on a quality "sequel" name for it - Summerfest was in keeping with the Texas Chain Saw Massacre series, but that would mean this year's would be "The Next Generation," which is not only totally inappropriate but also points towards a terrible entry into the series.

I am open to suggestions for "part four" monikers, except for "In Space" because I'm saving that for Horror Fest X. The title will have an effect on the "theme" of Summerfest, so choose wisely. It doesn't have to come from a "part four" of any series (for example: Bloodlines, The Return of Michael Myers, The Dream Master, Mega Shark vs. Testicular Torsion, etc.) Actually, Cap'n Howdy vs. Giant Octopus might be a good one. We'll put up a poll of the best suggestions.

- While planning is still in the preliminary stages, I have decided on at least two "theme" nights - Blaxploitation Night and Star Trek Night.
Blaxploitation Night will include Blacula, Blackenstein, Dr. Black and Mr. Hyde, the return of Scream, Blacula, Scream, as well as any other Blaxploitation horror films the Cap'n or readers can find.

Star Trek Night is a special evening of horror or horror-related films starring former cast members of the original series. They include: Kingdom of the Spiders (William Shatner), Invasion of the Body Snatchers '78 (Leonard Nimoy), Night of the Lepus (DeForrest Kelley), and Moontrap (Walter Koenig). If you can find suitable films with James Doohan, Nichelle Nichols, or George Takei, let me know.

- I am taking suggestions for all other possible Summerfest films, but reserve the right to hold out information on any possible "Trappenings" until the night we view them. If Sharktopus is sufficiently un-crappy, I may consider its inclusion into the Fest.

The Cap'n is really looking forward to this Summerfest; coming off of a very successful Horror Fest V, I'm going to carry on the momentum and provide NC with the best possible marathons of madness, horror, and oddball cult films possible. Like Horror Fest IV, I'm going to try to include readers in on the action surrounding the films, and then plan to catch you off guard with the bizarre and arcane choices.

Be Afraid... Be VERY Afraid...




* The Cap'n tries, whenever possible, to provide snackage, beverages, the films, and transportation for attendees, so don't feel there's a responsibility on your part to cover all the bases, or even any.

Horror Fest V Recap (Now with Photos!)

Greetings, readers! Welcome to the photographic recap of last weekend's Horror Fest V: The Revenge of Cap'n Howdy. Revenge, as it turned out, was sweet, as the fifth festival (or the eighth, if you also count Summer Fests) was second only to The Greensboro Summerfest Massacre Part III for audience enthusiasm. Between Street Trash, Kingdom of the Spiders, Frankenhooker, The Evil Dead, and especially House, the quality of this year's lineup easily surpassed Part IV's.

I also have a number of ideas for Summerfest IV and a special December version of the fest (made by special request from a friend overseas) that doesn't have a name yet. I'm looking for suggestions, by the way. In the meantime, let's have a look back to one week ago...

Our poster for this year (mostly accurate).

Our movies for this year (again, mostly accurate).

Oh wait, did I forget Horror Fest V's "Surprise" movie?

Cranpire (host of Night One) alongside his House on Haunted Hill poster.

The creepy tree face outside of Cranpire's apartment.

What's a Horror Fest without proper decoration. Liz and Randy had already set up some excellent Halloween accouterments, like this:


and these cobwebs:


So I helped by adding Horror (and Summer) Fest traditions like festive lights and, of course, Shecky:

Ladies and gentlemen, the "vampire" from Curse of the Undead. (Cue Theremin)

Tom, Cranpire, and kitty "enjoy" Curse of the Undead.

The Rianimator unveils her Baphomet costume.

Doctor Tom and the Rianiphomet, just before House started.

Point of Terror, this year's "Trappening." It's horrific, but not horror.

Frankenhooker.

Speaking of which, remember when I said "he drills into his head to think clearly," and promised a picture? Here it is...


by the end of Night Two, only the Cap'n was left standing. Even our hosts, Liz and Randy, had conceded to Mr. Sandman:


Alas, the Cap'n was busy photographing Halloween costumes and related mania on Sunday night, so no photos from Night of the Living Dead, The Evil Dead, or The House of the Devil exist. I suggest you seek those films out and see for yourself. I insist you hunt down copies of Street Trash and House, and highly recommend you get some friends, a six-pack, and a copy of Kingdom of the Spiders for some snowed-in evening.

Tomorrow's Trailer Sunday concludes coverage for Horror Fest V. Until December*, stay scared!


* Seriously, I'm looking for good monikers. It could be very fun, and I might set up a voting system...

Horror Fest V Day Two: Point of Terror and Frankenhooker

Mercifully, I only subjected the Horror Fest audience to twenty minutes of Point of Terror, this year's "Trappening," which consisted of two very long Peter Carpenter performances, some awkward make-outs, and the tin-foil walls of The Lobster House. After revealing to them that the film was even less horror-based than previous "Trappenings" - The Happening, Hillbillys in a Haunted House, and Matango - we all agreed it was time to dive back into the filmography of Frank Henenlotter (Basket Case) and close out the night with his 1990 uber-parody Frankenhooker.


If Basket Case and Brain Damage are Henenlotter's commentary on New York in the 1980s, then Frankenhooker kicks the door down in 1990 as a no-holds-barred satire of all things pre-Giuliani: consumerism, body image, prostitution, drug use, and science-gone-awry, all delivered with an "aw shucks" attitude from star James Lorinz (who, by the way, had a small part in Friday night's Street Trash).

Jeffrey Franken (Lorinz) is a med-school outcast ala Herbert West: when we meet him, he's experimenting with a brain he's transplanted an eyeball into, all the while his girlfriend and her family are barbecuing outside. He's something of an inventor, so he put together a remote-controlled super-lawnmower for his future father-in-law. Of course, things have to go wrong, so his girlfriend Elizabeth (who is constantly warned to "watch your figure") ends up on the wrong end of those mower blades, and he can only save the head, foot, and assorted random body parts.

Franken gets the great idea to put her back together using other - ideal - body parts, and while drilling his brain for ideas (a picture I'll be sharing later), he decides that the best bet is to go with hookers, since nobody's going to miss them. When Franken realizes all hookers are addicted to crack (thanks to their pimp, Zorro, who brands a "Z" on their arms), Franken creates a Super-Crack that causes them to explode. To say that things go wrong when he finally has enough parts to recreate Elizabeth is an understatement, but that's why you want to watch Frankenhooker, right?

Look, there's not much subtlety to be found in Frankenhooker (if the title didn't give you that impression in the first place): one of the two songs you can easily hear in the film has the title "Never Say No" and advocates giving in to the pleasures of drugs and sex, a flagrant refutation of Reagan-era politics. When Franken drives from New Jersey to New York, Times Square is populated with nothing but Pimps, Prostitutes, Johns, Trannies and Tourists. It's a hyper-exaggerated version of the New York City that Basket Case occurs in, Henenlotter isn't looking to win you over with subtext; everything is out front and center, from the women literally used as objects to the mutant vagina-dentata near the end.

That said, Lorinz and Patty Mullen (who plays Elizabeth before and after the experiment) are so game to play it straight in this nutty world that you go along for the ride, and even if all of the pieces don't quite fit together (unlike in, say, Pieces!), Frankenhooker is certainly worth checking out if you enjoy Henenlotter's other films or enjoy your horror to be a little twisted and a lot Un-PC.

Blogorium Review: House of 1000 Corpses (revisited)

After becoming the victim of a "trappening*" by Professor Murder and the Cranpire, I find myself in the unique (unfortunate?) position of being able to re-review Rob Zombie's feature debut, House of 1000 Corpses, and it since falls somewhere within the category of "horror," it seems appropriate to include the film in our Shocktober celebration.

Briefly, a little history between the Cap'n and House of 1000 Corpses: I worked as a projectionist for a movie theatre way back when Universal studios was still planning on releasing Mr. Zombie's first film, and as a White Zombie fan, I was pretty excited. He promised "raw" and "unrelenting" horror with a guarantee of "1000 corpses**!," so when the teaser trailer came out, I did pull aside an extra copy for another fan. Then, as many of you might be aware, Universal dropped House of 1000 Corpses, touting that it was "too hardcore" or something to that effect in 2000.

Eventually (circa 2003), Lion's Gate picked up House of 1000 Corpses and released in theatres, and I saw it a few days before my 24th birthday. I hated it. The film was garish, obnoxious, tried too hard to be shocking and "hardcore," and was ultimately a lackluster mish-mash of bad acting, tedious over-editing, and cheap stunt casting. The memory that sticks with me was a passing joke by one of the people I saw it with about Dr. Satan needing to fight "Doctor Jesus," which sent another friend into fits of hysterical laughter.

Over the ensuing seven years, I've tried to watch House of 1000 Corpses again, gathering that I must have "missed" something, considering its loyal supporters and advocates. Considering that I really enjoyed The Devil's Rejects (which features the same characters), disliked Halloween, but liked Halloween II, I made concerted efforts to give House of 1000 Corpses another go-round. Without fail, I make it as far as Baby (Sheri Moon-Zombie)'s lip-synch routine before I'm so bored that I hit the "Stop" button. That is, until Sunday night.

So... how is the rest of House of 1000 Corpses? Pretty much exactly the way I remember it: actors who can do better (and clearly did, considering The Devil's Rejects) shouting, mugging, and generally making asses of themselves for 89 minutes. In between, there are long, pointless scenes, intercutting of wholly irrelevant footage from other films or characters unrelated to the story, and lots of acts which one is apparently supposed to find "wrong" or "taboo." Unfortunately, the film has all the subtlety of an anvil to the forehead, so tedium replaces sensory overload in short order.

I suppose I could talk about the cast, which features Rainn Wilson (The Office), Chris Hardwick (Attack of the Show), Erin Daniels (The L Word), Jennifer Jostyn (The Brothers McMullen), Walton Goggins (Predators), and a host of genre veterans: Karen Black, Bill Moseley, Tom Towles, Irwin Keyes, Harrison Young, and Sid Haig. The truth is, that there isn't a single character to take any interest in; not the kids, not the Firefly family (which includes Moseley, Black, Moon-Zombie, Matthew McGrory, Robert Mukes, and Dennis Fimple), or the victims-to-be that populate the rest of the cast.

I could mention the myriad of references to other films (or, in many cases, direct lifts from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House by the Cemetery, or Spider Baby), or even the fact that all of the members of the Firefly clan borrow their names from Marx Brothers characters was kinda-clever until Zombie made the reference explicit in The Devil's Rejects. I even thought about the crane shot that takes forever (and remains unintentionally hilarious, despite the fact that I can't quite suss out what it's a reference to), but instead I'll point out one telling detail that should give viewers unfamiliar with the film all the information they need.

At one point, Denise Willis (Erin Daniels) uses a phone booth to call her father (Harrison Young), and there are a few "missing" signs littering the inside of the booth. The missing children one isn't really an issue, but the "Missing Cat Head" really sent the Cap'n into fits of giggles. It's so stupid, so incongruous, and so indicative of the pervasive "oh man, that's messed up!" that I could no longer take the film remotely seriously. It reminded me of the one clever visual gag in the film (a box of Agatha Crispies cereal), and nothing else. Had the film been included on one of Zombie's video DVD compilations, this chicanery might be more forgivable, but House of 1000 Corpses was released theatrically and people were expected to pay to see this film alone.

If House of 1000 Corpses was intended only to undermine the sleazy, grindhouse-esque era of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Eaten Alive, I could maybe give the film a pass, but having listened to Zombie's commentary track, it's not. House of 1000 Corpses is meant to be sensory overloading shock, a film that'd Zombie would rather have Universal drop than sacrifice any of his "original vision." On those merits, I contend that the film fails miserably, and worse still, is simply too dull to recommend watching.

Watch The Devil's Rejects, which does actually manage to do what Corpses cannot, or watch Halloween and Halloween II. The first may be an interesting failure and the second a widely reviled sequel (by almost everyone but me), but at least you won't feel like your time was wasted.



* "Trappening," a term coined by Professor Murder, is when someone tricks you into coming over, only to discover they've put on a horrible movie that you have to watch. They considered this totally fair because I've put them (and most of you) through many a "Trappening" before...
** This is debatable, since I still argue most of Dr. Satan's lair is skeletons, and that the hallway that Denise runs down is deliberately suggested to be larger than it is without actually showing said "corpses." Even if there are 1000 corpses, they certainly aren't in the Firefly house.