The Cap'n Presents: Best of the Blogorium Chapter 2

A list of movies I regret seeing

(Or, forgot seeing, which is almost as bad. Some of them will include brief comments, but many speak for themselves.)

Loser - Does anyone even remember this movie with Jason Biggs and Mena Suvari? It's really not very good and deserved to fail (as it did), but I think Cranford and I kinda let it wash over us one night at park place. I have to remind myself I even saw it.

Highlander: Endgame - Memorable only because Evan left in the middle of the movie to go get his other can of Sapporo from the car to continue drinking during this, the worst of all Highlander Movies. And really, what does that say about it?

Bless the Child* - Kim Basinger and a little girl that looks like Dave Mustaine. That's all I came out of Bless the Child with.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen* - As bad a translation from one medium to another as there's ever been.

Godsend* - Now, I'd think something with Greg Kinnear, Rebecca Romign-Stamos, and Robert FREAKING DeNiro would be better than this, but it isn't. To this day, this is the movie Adam and I refer to only as "the film that can't be named"

8mm
Dude, Where's My Car?
Idle Hands* - My memory of Idle Hands is that no one could remember quite who's idea it was to see it. Out of six people, no one would own up to it.

Jeepers Creepers*
Bio Dome
Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls - This movie, along with Bio Dome, were movies I was tricked into seeing. By the same person. And you wonder why I don't speak to him anymore.

Mission: Impossible 2
The Matrix Reloaded - So bad that Barrett and Nathan took a cigarette break in the middle and missed nothing.

The Matrix Revolutions* - So bad that Adam fell asleep and I went to the bathroom and we still missed nothing.

Vampire Men of the Lost Planet (or world... whatever)
Urban Legends (but not, strangely, Urban Legends: Final Cut)
Incubus* - I don't care how drunk Adam was on BEAST, Incubus still required copious fast forwarding to be considered a waste of time.

Thirteen Ghosts*
Scream 2 - Phillippi's tirade, dissecting the film scene by scene afterwards, was considerably more entertaining.

Godzilla (1998)
Lost In Space
Alien Vs Predator
The In Crowd* - Also known as the "movie with people who look like people who look like celebrities." For example, there's a guy in The In Crowd who looks like Skeet Ulrich, who in turn looks like a poor man's Johnny Depp. Get the idea? Clones of bad look-a-likes.

Austin Powers in Goldmember - If I hadn't paid for the ticket, Barrett and I would've walked out.

America's Sweethearts
Identity
3000 Miles to Graceland
Bridget Jones's Diary
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
Freddie Got Fingered - Here's the deal with Freddie Got Fingered; it's not as bad as you've heard. It's not even worse, but it is a waste of time to find that out.

Gigli* - Adam going insane and the sheer stupidity of the dialogue could maybe convince me to tell you never to rent it. Otherwise I'll just forget it, thanks.

American Pie 2
American Wedding
Moulin Rouge - I hate that movie. Every frame. It saddens me that Ewan McGregor, Jim Broadbent, and Nicole Kidman were in it. It saddens me that Baz Lurhmann hasn't been killed brutally and is still making movies. Really, truly, I loathe Moulin Rouge.

Scary Movie 2
The Secret Window*
Swordfish
Valentine
Cabin Fever
House of 1000 Corpses* - The only man who can defeat Doctor Satan is Doctor Jesus, which made Adam lose his proverbial shit. The low light of birthdays, even with good company.

Dungeons and Dragons*
Final Destination 2*
Hollow Man*
Men In Black 2 - Sometimes a bootleg is still a ripoff. Even if your rommate made the bootleg.

The Mummy Returns
Night of the Living Dead: 30th Anniversary DVD recut - Don't ever buy this. If you see Night of the Living Dead with a grey cover and the words "30th" and "Anniversary" near each other, kick the dvd as hard as you can and demand the store destroy it.

The One
Phish: Bittersweet Motel
Resident Evil*
The Honeymoon Killers - Armageddon aside, this is proof the Criterion is not infallible. In fact, this waste of time doesn't deserve the coveted 200 spine number. I call shenanigans.

Sherrybaby
Bandidas - People buy this at work for exactly the same reason you think they would. Put Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz on the cover and they will assume it's the motherload of hotness. Or, perhaps it's a lot of Steve Zahn and terrible jokes. Perhaps.

Snakes on a Plane - I'm sorry people, but it was BORING. The cardinal sin of schlock movies. Don't give me that "but it's Sam Jackson" crap either. S-U-C-K-E-D.

Art School Confidential - Oh, ha ha. That's very clever. Make all the jokes everyone makes about art students, Terry Zwigoff, but in a movie devoid of any true wit. Between this and his director's cut of Bad Santa, Zwigoff is rapidly losing my faith in his "outsider" perspective in comedies.

Running With Scissors
Funny Games - You know what, since the remake is the exact same movie but in english, go see it, and you'll understand why I hated it so much the first time around.

A Prairie Home Companion
Lonesome Jim
Silent Hill
Return of the Living Dead 4: Necropolis
Ellie Parker - Naomi Watts helps her friend make the worst low budget film ever.

Dead and Breakfast* - Shaun of the Dead for the US my ass.

Godzilla: Final Wars
Nothing
Havoc - Turns out there's actually a story between Anne Hathaway getting naked. Too bad that story is about spoiled teenagers pretending to be gang bangers, and then learning their lesson when they meed real gang bangers. No, really; it's an after school special with Ella Enchanted's knockers and Bijou Phillips getting DP'ed.

Exorcist: The Beginning*
Duck! The Carbine High Massacre
The Amityville Horror (2005)
Hellraiser: Hellseeker (6)
Jersey Girl - It really is terrible, and I only saw pieces of it while flipping through the channels. Kevin Smith writes the worst "crowd" scenes ever.

The Crow: Wicked Prayer - So much potential to be good-bad: David Boreanaz, Edward Furlong, Danny Trejo, and Tara freakin' Reid! In a Crow movie! And from the director of Six String Samurai. And still, it was a chore to sit through.

Ghosts of Mars* - That fucking train...

The Forgotten
Van Helsing
Funny Ha Ha - I had to watch it for a film class. Let's take Slacker, a movie I already don't like, but take out any sensible camera work and any semblance of intelligent dialogue, and let our actors improvise most of their "relationship argument" scenes. Better yet, let's just say: Slacker, but with less going for it.

The Time Machine - Wait, did I see this movie? I think I didn't. I think I stood in a parking lot for two hours. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Anything with a * indicates that things were made slightly more bearable with the presence of a) Adam, b) Cranford, or c) both.

There are some really bad movies I'm not putting on this list, because some things are made better with company, but for the most part, all parties involved in almost everything on this list would agree that they'd like to have the hours of their lives back that they lost wasting time on this dreck, this cesspool of cinema.

Sometimes I'm glad I saw something awful just because I was curious. Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist is a good example. The movie itself isn't much better than Exorcist: The Beginning, but it was worth watching to see how differently two movies can be made using the same touchstones, and yet suck in different ways. I don't regret watching Deep Blue Sea, or The Replacements, or even Snuff, which we didn't even finish.

But sometimes you look back and say "man, I could've been doing something better with my life than watch that, but instead I paid money for this. I'm really stupid sometimes."

Please take this into consideration before going to see something that sounds really bad, I ask of you. Believe me, there are better things to be done, and even if you want to stick with movies, the good ones beat the bad ones most times. And if you want an enjoyable bad movie, please just ask me. I have plenty.