I've wrestled with how to explain why Halloween doesn't work. Either cut. There are fundamental problems in comparing Carpenter's film to Zombie's, because I'd rather not bring up Leitch or Stam or other theory scholars, so I decided to approach Halloween on its own merits, and not as a "re-imagining", remake, re-interpretation or whatever. But that's even worse, because as its own movie, Rob Zombie's Halloween fails a number of basic tests, many of which have to do with story progression, logic, and suspension of disbelief.
Let's address story progression first: I'll go alone with humanizing Michael Meyers. Fine, he has the generic serial killer / pyschopath upbringing featuring the Rob Zombie players uttering lines like "When I get out of this chair I'm gonna fucking skull fuck you to death, bitch!", but Michael seems to be in his own world. He does his own thing, and he happens to kill well. Okay, I'm on board. It's different, but it's your movie, Mr. Zombie. The institution stuff is all right for a while, but then we start getting improbable for no reason, and here's where the logic problems kick in. Why would Dr. Loomis leave Michael alone with a nurse when he has access to a fork. Why does he have access to a fork in the first place? Does anyone else even live in this asylum, because until his escape scene, we only see the guards, Michael, and Loomis. Also, how does Michael, who Loomis, the guards, and Zombie all claim is "near comatose" go from the little blonde kid to a hulking brute without ever exercising? That's a pretty big leap to ask me to take, and it isn't the only one. How it ties into Michael escaping is even worse.
Ah, the escape scene. In the theatrical cut, okay, I get it; it's sort of like how Michael gets away in Halloween 4, and then there's the payoff of why people assume Michael isn't dangerous because he never moves. In the "Director's Cut", which is safe to assume is Zombie's preferred cut, Michael escapes because two guards decide to rape a new inmate IN MICHAEL'S ROOM WHILE MICHAEL SITS THERE! Then Michael kills them because they play with his masks. Then he kills the one guard who was nice to him and just walks away. How does Zombie rationalize this? He uses the argument that this is consistent with stories about what happens in asylums, but he makes one HUGE mistake. Like a few other things I'll discuss below, just because it's real doesn't mean it's logically coherent in the narrative. But I'm getting ahead of myself...
The stunt casting is a mess in Halloween. If anyone can explain why Udo Kier, Mickey Dolenz, Sid Haig, or Clint Howard need to be in this movie in any way, I'd be happy to hear it. At least there's a reason for Ken Foree's scene, or some purpose for Danny Trejo and Brad Dourif to be in the film. Shit, the casting of Danielle Harris (Halloween 4 & 5) as Annie is inspired. Sherri Moon Zombie is fine as Michael's mother, but William Forsythe is wasted in a one note role. Actually, don't get me started on his part, or how he dies.
Back to the serious problems in logic and suspension of disbelief: this is REALLY IMPORTANT, because it's not addressed AT ALL: How the fuck does Michael Meyers know that Laurie Strode is his baby sister? Even Dr. Loomis doesn't know. Strode's parents don't know. Only the Sheriff knows, and he ONLY tells Loomis. If Meyers is in no way supernatural, then how do you explain this, the KEY to what Michael does in the last quarter of the film? Anyway, I have bigger fish to fry.
This would be easier to overlook if Laurie, Annie, and Lynda weren't totally unlikeable. Laurie's introduced making some crass joke about having sex with the hardware store owner, and when they aren't calling each other "bitch", they're being rude to Tommy and Lindsey. There's no wonder Michael wants to kill them; I would too. Even Tommy and Lindsey are too smart and too sassy to be likeable, all because this is (in Zombie's words) how he "remembers kids being". Again, more realistic does not translate into sympathetic characters. Why should I give a shit when Laurie finds Lynda dead if I hate both girls? The most interesting thing Zombie does is NOT kill Annie, so that when Laurie finds her, she's still on the floor screaming because Michael's in the house.
As a matter of fact, even though Zombie swears he has no plans for a sequel, he left Laurie and Annie alive, and there's even enough justification for Loomis not to be dead (he's last seen grabbing at Michael, not dead). Only Michael appears to be dead at the end of Halloween, but Zombie mentions in the commentary that Laurie's probably as crazy as he is now. Hello, unnecessary sequel. Goodbye unnecessary remake.
The stunt casting is a mess in Halloween. If anyone can explain why Udo Kier, Mickey Dolenz, Sid Haig, or Clint Howard need to be in this movie in any way, I'd be happy to hear it. At least there's a reason for Ken Foree's scene, or some purpose for Danny Trejo and Brad Dourif to be in the film. Shit, the casting of Danielle Harris (Halloween 4 & 5) as Annie is inspired. Sherri Moon Zombie is fine as Michael's mother, but William Forsythe is wasted in a one note role. Actually, don't get me started on his part, or how he dies.
Back to the serious problems in logic and suspension of disbelief: this is REALLY IMPORTANT, because it's not addressed AT ALL: How the fuck does Michael Meyers know that Laurie Strode is his baby sister? Even Dr. Loomis doesn't know. Strode's parents don't know. Only the Sheriff knows, and he ONLY tells Loomis. If Meyers is in no way supernatural, then how do you explain this, the KEY to what Michael does in the last quarter of the film? Anyway, I have bigger fish to fry.
This would be easier to overlook if Laurie, Annie, and Lynda weren't totally unlikeable. Laurie's introduced making some crass joke about having sex with the hardware store owner, and when they aren't calling each other "bitch", they're being rude to Tommy and Lindsey. There's no wonder Michael wants to kill them; I would too. Even Tommy and Lindsey are too smart and too sassy to be likeable, all because this is (in Zombie's words) how he "remembers kids being". Again, more realistic does not translate into sympathetic characters. Why should I give a shit when Laurie finds Lynda dead if I hate both girls? The most interesting thing Zombie does is NOT kill Annie, so that when Laurie finds her, she's still on the floor screaming because Michael's in the house.
As a matter of fact, even though Zombie swears he has no plans for a sequel, he left Laurie and Annie alive, and there's even enough justification for Loomis not to be dead (he's last seen grabbing at Michael, not dead). Only Michael appears to be dead at the end of Halloween, but Zombie mentions in the commentary that Laurie's probably as crazy as he is now. Hello, unnecessary sequel. Goodbye unnecessary remake.
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