It's Not Going to Be a Good Week.

"Perhaps someone will make a brilliant movie out of it."

That's what director John Landis told Bloody-Disgusting while confirming that, yes, he is in the process of selling remake rights for An American Werewolf in London. To Dimension films. Of Cursed fame*.

While I'm not willing to go quite so far as to say this can't be a worse idea than An American Werewolf in Paris** (from Dimension's sister-corporation, Buena Vista), this is the remake I've been dreading. The one I knew was coming but really hoped someone would have the good sense to say "no, let's leave that one alone."

And the kicker of it is that John Landis is essentially giving his stamp of approval by selling the remake rights. Worse than that, based on the above quote, he implies that there's something to be improved on the original, which I totally disagree with. I happen to hold An American Werewolf in London in that "brilliant" category, not simply as a horror comedy but as a movie that works from beginning to end. It doesn't feel dated at all and the very practical special effects hold up to this day. The music selection is inspired, the jokes are great, and the dream sequences are truly bizarre.

Lightning doesn't strike twice like that, I'm afraid. I'm sure state of the art computer blah blah blah will make the wolf look cooler, but it won't look like it's in the room. That's what is so wonderful about the "transformation" sequence: it's all happening right there, in a brightly lit room, in front of you. The trickery is handled so well that to this day it hurts to watch David's bones crack and stretch. The werewolf in Piccadilly Circus may be a little limited, but damn if that carnage isn't fun. I've had to rewind that part of the film too many times because I'll be laughing so hard I miss something.

But there's a "brilliant" movie to be made out of this. More brilliant than the original, which is lacking in some way. I mean, if you want to remake An American Werewolf in Paris and make it not suck, I say go for it. But leave my werewolf alone. I guess we can look forward to The Howling*** redux next. Le sigh.

---

Despite nearly every critic shitting on Transformers: Who Needs a Plot?, a bagizillion of you saw it, proving to Michael Bay and the studios that they can keep making idiotic crap and you'll go see it because "why not? GI Joe isn't out yet!" It's no wonder they keep pumping out garbage remakes and mindless movies, because people will flock to them. And then they'll tell me how "Friday the 13th is really actually pretty awesome, especially if you're a fan of the series" and I'll call Shenanigans on that bullshit.

I'm on the record hating Halloween for the dumb decisions Rob Zombie made, but at least he made some dumb decisions with good intentions. There is NOTHING in Shit Coffin worth giving you a "So You Won't Have To" review. From the terrible Blue Velvet reference that opens the movie to the arbitrariness made painful by self aware "explanations" to the characters you want dead from the moment you meet them or the fact that if Jason is NOT in fact a pot farmer then it's awfully convenient he just lets those pot plants grow RIGHT BY WHERE HE LIVES and then kills anyone who goes near them. They couldn't even make the trade from sack to hockey mask feel important. He just picks it up off of the ground.

Look, there aren't a lot of die-hard Friday the 13th Part 3 fans out there, but I guarantee you that if you come over here and watch it with us, you'll see immediately how badly Shit Coffin misunderstands the series "Formula."

But by all means, keep watching this crap. Keep giving millions of dollars over to people so they're validated in thinking you morons will watch anything. That way, when I'm having a particularly bad day (as today was), the Cap'n will never run out of targets to hurl abuse at.


* For those of you who aren't Cranpire and (rightly) don't remember Cursed, it was the movie that Kevin "Scream" Williamson and Wes "Scream 2" Craven were making after Scream 3, but was so bad the Weinstein brothers had it recut and further crappified before dumping it unceremoniously.

** I really don't blame anyone for forgetting about An American Werewolf in Paris. That movie sucks donkey nards.

*** Speaking of which, feel free to open the "Which is better: The Howling or An American Werewolf in London?" debate. It's a totally fair argument for either side.