Speaking of 2012...

For some reason, I let Adam talk me into watching 2012: Doomsday via streaming Netflix tonight. As I suspected I would when he asked me to queue it up, I regretted watching the movie. However, I'll be more than happy to fill you in on all the details of a movie most of you never knew existed.

To begin with, I erroneously assumed 2012: Doomsday was from the same company who makes Terminators and Transmorphers: Fall of Man (and, not coincidentally, Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus). You can hardly blame me, since its release is suspiciously timed with Roland Emmerich's forthcoming 2012. Alas, this was not so. Perhaps you can guess what this movie is about by the production company: Saved Pictures.

Yes, Virginia, 2012: Doomsday is a religiously themed disasterpiece with a much (MUCH) lower budget and more of the preachiness. I guess. It's really hard to argue that most of the movie isn't about proving that God is more reliable than science, but I didn't notice it that much for two reasons:

1. The volume was turned down for most of the movie, especially after Adam called to provide in-film commentary about why I shouldn't turn it off out of boredom.

2. There's actually so little that happens in the movie that you tend to forget the frequent references to faith being stronger than science.

Instead, you get the following plot points, listed thusly because it's really all I can remember. After all, I did almost turn it off out of boredom.

- In the first hour (of an 80 minute movie), the plot jumps around from location to location, each time indicated by a slowly typed text indicator of where we are and how many hours until DOOMSDAY.

- The explicit statement that the Mayans were visited by Christianity waaaaaay before Cortez, and that the end of the Mayan calendar is the biblical Apocalypse. All of this because one of the characters finds a golden cross (with crucified Jesus on it) in a Mayan temple.

- Said cross is taken to another Mayan temple, turned sideways, and used as a key (like in a Resident Evil game) to open an altar room conveniently in time for someone to give birth.

- Cliff DeYoung (Shock Treatment) is flying in a plane with the pilot through lightning and tornadoes, and when they land the pilot is conveniently raptured. This movie never mentions this again.

- The worst Med-Student turned Photojournalist on Earth is killed by a baseball sized hail stone that blows a hole in his chest. He still gets a three minute monologue, post-wound, ala Trinity in The Matrix Revolutions.

- Some dude falls into a crack in the earth. It's not as cool (or as funny) as it sounds, even though he was using the cross to keep himself from falling into the abyss.

- I'm pretty sure that if there's a Tornado in San Diego, you won't have silly string thrown at you. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am.

- When it finally hits DOOMSDAY, the movie jumps around to various cities that aren't in Mexico or California, usually to show them burning (London) or collapsing (Jerusalem), with the name of the city and the word DOOMSDAY beneath it. It's kind of funny, but far too short.

- They couldn't actually afford a baby (or even a baby doll), so when the woman we don't really know gives birth, they conveniently wrap her child in a jacket and never show you what's inside the jacket.

The movie doesn't actually end, nor does it really ever explain the necessity of the religious affirmation subplot(s). It's one of the ways I forgot that it was supposed to be like Left Behind or Fireproof, because so much of the film is totally arbitrary that you can easily forget what's supposed to be going on.

2012: Doomsday jumps around so much in the first 45 minutes that the characters just barely register, let alone have any resonance. It's dumb, but not very funny, and not preachy enough to offend the atheist contingent. The effects are pretty lame, and despite the desire to be epic, it never feels like more than a cheap knock-off.

Adam's pretty insistent that if you come over early for Horror Fest (like in the afternoon), you'll be watching it with him. It's not a horror movie, and I'd barely call it a Bad Movie Night contender, but maybe you'll be tickled by it like he was. Me? I can barely remember what happened.