Guest Blogger: Douglas Fir

Greetings, pitiful humans! Your benevolent overlord, Douglas Fir here, checking in with some non-holiday related pearls of wisdom. The Cap'n was tied up in the basement kind enough to ask me to take over while he slowly suffocates re-energizes his human batteries.

Many of you have asked ol' Doug what he does when not taking over the world during December, but the truth is that like you pathetic bags of meat, I Mr. Fir indulge in quality movie watching. Not that trash like Termites 4: Down to the Last Drop or other such tree-related snuff films, but quality fare.

Why just the other day I was watching Above the Law and Hard to Kill, which I find appropriate since they describe me. You knuckleheads just don't appreciate descriptive titles any more, which is why these movies don't play at every theater all of the time (and believe me, as a talking tree I've been thrown out of my share of theaters). Oh sure, a movie like Paul Blart: Mall Cop doesn't leave much to the imagination, but imagine if it had been called Fat Die Hard. Then you'd know exactly what you were getting into!

For you tree-mendous benefit, I've decided to change the titles of the Top 10 Movies from last weekend so that the maximum number of people can tell immediately what they're going to see. For example: Hotel for Dogs = Hotel for Dogs*.

1. Robots Fight and Dumb Humans Watch
2. Ice Age: Dinosaur's Didn't Die
3. Johnny Depp with a Tommy Gun
4. People who Hate Each Other Fall in Love
5. Why did We Drink so Much?
6. Old Man and Boy Scout Fly
7. Girl with Cancer's Sister
8. The Train Hijacker
9. Hard to Watch
10. Why Not Just Buy a History Book?

See? All of those tell you exactly what you're going to see. This way, even if you don't see the movie, you have the basic idea and can converse with people who have. It eliminates confusion and helps humanity slowly dumb themselves down, paving the way for my inevitable conquest.

In the meantime, I think I'm going to watch something like Cat in the Brain, which better deliver exactly as promised. If there's not a cat in someon's brain, then I'm demanding a refund from Video Barn!


* Okay, bad example. But I'm a friggin' tree! You should be amazed I'm blogging at all. Someday when you bow before me, I'm going to bring up the time you insulted my cinematic prowess. Just you wait.