Thursday, July 9, 2009

Guest Blogging: good for frazzle fries.

the cap'n is taking a mental health day (possibly two) in order to take care of some non-movie related business. In the meantime, I'm going to hand the reins over to some people that provided "guest blogging" back in the Myspace and You're All Doomed magazine days.

A collection of reviews from stanDAMAN69@yahoo.com*

note: if it helps, try to imagine a cross between every high school response paper and 80% of the reviews/talkbacks on Ain't It Cool News.


The Punisher
by StandaMAN69@yahoo.com (guest contributor)

Not Since Next of Kin has a movie rocked my world so hard. ROCKED, I say. Because that is truly what the Punisher will do to your puny world. IT WILL ROCK YOU! Tom Jane is the friggin Punisher and he whups a whole heapin load of ass on Vincent Vega for fuckin with his schema! Arrows and shit! THE PUNISHER BEATS FRICKIN KEVIN NASHS ASS! and he's so cool that even tho rebecca hot piece of score ass romijn offers herself up to him hes like "babe, i'm sorry but i rock to hard. asses need kicking and that's what i do!" THAT ROCKS! give it ten frickin stars because five just dont ROCK ENOUGH! EAST LANSING
HIGH SCHOOL REPRESENT!

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Johnny Paycheck
by StandaMAN69@yahoo.com


starring Keanu Affleck
Uma Thurman-Rollins
and Ice-T Eckhardt

Johnny Paycheck is basically about this computer hacker dude that puts Judge Dredd into cryogenics because he beat wesley snipes demolition ass and then he gets some program that erases his memory and takes away like 90 millions bucks or something. then this chinese dude chops peoples heads off because Ice-T told him to do it for special crimes unit or some shit. Then Agent smith shows up and beats some serious ass until the bride chops him in half or something. so now there's two agent smiths and along with the bride and the dude from rollins band they set out to beat up the chinese dude and ice-t. then pig vomit comes in and says whoa wait just one minute you've got this bag of clues johnny paycheck and you'll get your memory back (or some shit like that) them the chinese guy flips out and cuts his head off and for some reason juliette lewis is in this rock band playing songs while it happens with the dude from the crow. what the fuck? so anyway johnny paycheck and pig vomit's head use their bag of tricks to remember that he's really the one and that he invented a machine that can predict how to kill the chinese guy and then ice cube shows up and presides over a battle to the death between the bride and the chinese dude and the guy from rollins band flips out and kills ice-t and agent smith porks juliette lewis and that dude from the crow. meanwhile the bride is beating some serious ass on the chinese dude but he gets the upper hand and cuts both of her hands off and she's like oh shit i'm so dead, but johnny paycheck uses the machine to tell her to kick him in the nuts (theres like some built in explosive or some shit) and she does it and he friggin explodes, killing ice cube and the dude from rollins band too. then johnny paycheck and the bride run off into the sunset and use surgery or something to graft her hands onto pig vomits head. pretty fuckin gay man.

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Walking Tall
by StanDAMAN69@yahoo.com

yeah so the rock plays Buford T. Puser, ass kicker extraordinaire (see mrs. jonson I told you I could use those grammar words shit) who comes back to his hometown after layin the fuckin smackdown on terrorists or brendan fraser or some shit how should I know? anyfuckinway, he finds this babe at a strip club/casino/drug dealership and along with his boy johnny knoxville and a HUGE fucking stick he sets out beating serious loser ass then he becomes the sheriff after some jabronis cut him all to hell so you know how that ended ….. serious smackdown action one problem though it was too short man like seriously I felt like it was over before I could build up a good whiz in me, and that folks is the gauge of a rockin movie (like collateral I had to fuckin piss twice and I held it the second time cos… whoa) like it was cool and shit but there was a lackage of stiffler-action and most definately no WALKEN-mania… shit. anyway I guess it rocked my world as much as it needed to and then went along the rocks merry way. fuckin a man, fuckin a.

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Denzel Washington Sets a Man on Fire
By StanDAMAN69@yahoo.com

NO FUCKING SHIT I swear to you he stuffs C4 up this dudes ass and fucking blows him up and the fuckin car hes tied to! Holy shit this movie rules!!! Its like the punisher but with way more crazy camera moves and rack focus and all that shit that I love no way should you miss this movie DAMN I am so pumped about MAN ON FIRE fuckin mark anthony blows his brains out and shit, and Christopher walken does his thing and…. goddamn HE CHOPS THIS DUDES FINGERS OFF AND THEN PUTS A CIGARETTE LIGHTER ON THEM! Yeah boy fuckin represent! MUTHAFUCKIN DENZEL AND SHIT this redeems him for the way he went out in training day screw ethan hawke what a LOOOOZAH like them fucks from west lansing FUCK YOUZ GUYZ!!!!

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Blade Sucks Three

By standaman69@yahoo.com

aight so what was i expectin right? fuckin more blade ass beatin check fuckin score ass chix check fuckin LAME ASS VAMPIRES check WTF????? shit man, this movie has so little ass kickin that i can barely qualify it as action, more like "im mopey ass blade cuz i cant act for shit" and hey lets cut away to cap' chocula for a halffuckin hour drake ass lame shit. FUCK u think van helsing got dracula wrong oh shit u have no idea! fuckety fuckballs is this shit lame. on the plus corner, porker posey and jessica biel and bonk-worthy, reapers dogs are pretty funny. fuckin van wilder kicks some ass but he cant shut his fuckin yap. oh yeah, like triple "how do u know how big my dick is" h (seriously he fuckin says that shit) man trips, urur not even hogan quality YEAH U HERD ME GAME STICK WITH EVOLUTIOn! fuuuuuck im getting sick of all these shitty movies man! but fuckin saw is comin out on dvd soon!!!!!! SHIT YEAH!!!! no rock.

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Sin Shitty!

By standaman69@yahoo.com

yoyoyo sherboy Stan, back from spriiiiiiiinnnngg breeaaaaakakaka! shit yea homez, i was fuckin tearin it up in east lansing last fuckin week. man i was so fuckin ripped that i almost forgot i saw fuckin sin shitty! now that i remeberd i fuckin wish i had. yeah yeah whatever it was violent n shit, but dudes looked like they had fuckin jizz all over their jacketz 4 most of the movie

MAJOR LEAGUE GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yo i wont front the bitchez in sin shitty were smokin hawt (even if mah girl alba didnt get butt nekkid i still stroked it in her honor) and who knew the chick from gaymore girls was bone worthy??? still aint gonna watch that shit. fuckit im all for decaptatin and whatevah, but this movie just a little 2 gay if u kno what i mean...

1 star for da movie

5 starz for my bitchez

now i yall excuse me i gots half a bottle of crown royal left and that shit aint gonna drink itself....

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Adam Sandler fucks it up again!

By standaman69@yahoo.com

i dunno what ur fuckin problem is snadler but this fuckin spanglish shit was worse than donkeypunch love and at least that had some fuckin class a ass beatin. instead of bein the ass we all know ur, instead you mope around like some fuckin pussy 4 2 hours when U KNOW that spanish maid wants your ass! DO IT MAN!!! fuck mrs david duchovy... wait, no do them both 3WAY!!! yeah baby thatd be better than the fuckin shit i just slept thru. fuckin longest yard better kick some serious ass or make fuckin happy madison again just stop bein such a pussy snadler.

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Buffy the Grudge Slayer and The Temple of Suck

NO FUCKIN STARS

by StanDAMAN69@yahoo.com

MAN THE JAPANESE MAKE SOME SHIIIIIIITY FUCKIN MOVIES for real tho, what in the fuck were they thinkin with this movie, cuz they musta been on shrooms or some shit "yo man, lets put this all out of order and take the scary parts out and get fuckin daphne from dooby deux (heheheh)" what the shit sam raimi? i mean did u see the fuckin japaneez one or did u just get high and point at a board. fuck, i was board all the way thru this fuckin joke. kids r not scary, their lame, and the floatin chick with stupid eyes? totally rippin off the Ring dude and not even some hot chick to distract me cuz that movie sucked ballz too! note 2 hollywood: STOP remaking sucky ass japanese movies becuz you dont bother to improve them first. U R like that pie fucker Smooothlubeupmyass@homomail.gay.

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Transmorphers: Falling of Deez Nutz Risen or some crap

by standaman69@yahoo.com

whats up slackers shyer boy stan back up in this piece. capn d-bag or whatever asked me to come outa retriement so he coulld go flog the dolphin or some shit but the good news for you is stan-o-mac never stops wathcing moveez, ydig? so my ass was at the video barn last week and i saw the dvd for transmorphers 2 and i thought shit thats out on dvd already why do deez dipshits pay to go see it on the big screen? hello dvd-ripper! shit my roommates friend count dorkenstain can hook me up with liek five copies of transmorphers and ill be making that phat money on campus so i told the video barn dork to wrap that shit up for me. man i dont know what the fuck happened betwene transmorphers 1 and transmorphers 2 but michael bay smoked a shit ton of stupid weed or some shit. the robots looked like crap and the chick they replaced megan fox with was a total butterface. i mean what the fuck guys we the viewerz have epxectations when seeing a gddamn transmophers movie - 1 giant robots beating the shit out of each other and 2 hot chicks. okay three techncially because i liked it when the robot pissed on those dudes straight up. i totally think i horfed some sour patch kids into an old ladies hair onaccount of that shit.

anyway this transmorphers 2 shit delivered on none of that so me and my boyz rolled up on video barn and beat the shit out of the counter jokey until i gots my refund. then we bought some miller chillz and kicked back with trasnmorphers 1 also on dvd until i passed out and they wrote shit on me. i swear im gonna fuck those dudes up. anyway so there you have it my shit is out of retierment for now maybe tomorrow ill tell you all about dork trek and the ass kicking its fans got after i stomped outta the theatah. til later shyerboy stan out.


* it's not going to be a good idea to try emailing Stan, since that address is in use (or was in use) by someone other than the author of these reviews.

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